After all these years, she finally admits she hated seeing me with all the women. Most I tried to hide from her, but she heard the stories anyway. I was never with a woman in front of Noles, but women tell their stories to whoever will listen.
I make Noely come, and then I spill inside of the condom.
“You’ve always had me. Take me. Take me as I am and make me yours,” I beg.
Before she can answer me, Jimmy knocks on the door and upends my entire fucking world… again. He pulls Noely to the alleyway with Sabrina and Roxy in tow, while I head to the front of the bar.
“She’s outside,” Rich says.
“Is she the reason why?” Anna Belle asks as I step out into the Brooklyn night.
“Who?” I play dumb.
“Your friend Noely.”
“I’m in love with her,” I admit to this crazy bitch, hoping she’ll finally get the memo.
She leans in and kisses me, taking me by complete surprise.
I push her away immediately, “I didn’t want you here. I didn’t ask you to come. We aren’t together, Anna!”
“You said you loved me!” She screams.
“I never told you I loved you!”
“You did… when we were making love!” She screams loud enough for every fucking Borough to hear her.
“Make love to you?” I chuckle at this crazy cunt. “Bitch, I came in your mouth and I was thinking about Noely the entire time. If I said anything, it wasn’t to you. I don’t fucking want you, and I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it!”
She starts to cry, and I almost feel bad. Really, almost, but I can’t. She’s psycho. I walk away from her and head back into the bar. I need a few minutes to calm down before I go to Noe, so I help pack up the equipment. I apologize to Saul for all the bullshit tonight, and then give Jimmy a call.
“She’s not with me,” he answers the phone.
“Where’s she at?” I ask quickly.
“Wanted to be alone,” he answers with sadness in his voice.
“Why? What happened? She was fine when she left with you,” I start freaking out in the alleyway behind Saul’s.
“I tried to stop her from hearing or seeing, but she saw you and Anna Belle kissing. She heard the girl tell you that you said you loved her. It fucked her up, man.”
“No. That’s not what happened, Jim,” I defend myself.
“I know that. She doesn’t. I tried to hang around. I followed her for a while, but she lost me around the crowd of that new club down the block from her house. I’m looking up at her place now, but there’s no lights on,” he says.
“Fuck!” I scream. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few. If you see her, keep her there.”
“Will do.”
I hang up and run out into the street at full speed. I run towards her apartment, praying like hell she’ll be there. I call her phone ten times on the way over.
Nothing.
I find Jimmy on the sidewalk across from her apartment.
“Anything?” I ask him.
He shakes his head.
“I’ve gotta find her, man,” I almost sob.
“I know,” he says with so much sorrow, something I’ve never heard from him.
I’ll have to sort him out later.
We climb the stairs to her apartment and knock like hell on the door. I call her phone, but no sounds come from inside. We both text her, and then Jimmy calls Rich and Ryan to help find her. I leave a note on the door.
Noe,
It’s not what you think. Please call me back. I love you.
Johnny
“Johnny, wake up,” a sweet voice calls out to me.
I open my eyes to find Sabrina’s sweet face smiling down at me sadly.
“Where’s Noe?” I ask.
“She’s gone, Johnny,” she answers.
“Gone? Where? Why? Where is Noles?” I ask and sit up from Rich’s couch.
They’re all sitting there looking at me with pity… Jimmy, Rich, Ryan, Aaron, Saul, Roxy, and Sabrina.
“She went to California,” Sabrina finally answers.
“Why in the fuck would she go to California?!!” I scream.
She jumps.
“Easy,” Rich attempts to calm me.
I wave him off, pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Noely.
“You’ve reached Noely, leave a message,” she announces after only one ring.
I call again.
“She’s still in the air,” Roxy says softly.
“No!” I yell and get into Roxy’s face. “Why is she going to California?”
“Back off, Johnny,” Jimmy warns.
“She took a job out there,” Roxy tells me.
“She’s fucking moving? She’s leaving Brooklyn? She left me?!!” I throw my phone across the room in a rage.
“Sit down!” Roxy says to me in a stern voice.
And because I don’t have shit else to do right now, I fucking sit down.
“You’re going to listen to me. I swear to all that’s fucking sacred in this world, if you interrupt me, I’ll deck you myself,” Roxy warns.
I nod my compliance.
“She took a short-term job in Los Angeles. After what she saw outside the bar with that skank, she was running. We didn’t stop her. She has the fucking right to run, but she’s not running from the damn truth. Your boy Jimmy over here led her to believe you were dating Annie Belle. Noely was fucking heartbroken, but she stayed to listen to you play. We begged her to stand on the side of the stage with us, but finally gave up. I wish to hell I didn’t walk away from her, because that little dicked motherfucker put his hands on her, but maybe it was all supposed to happen. When she walked out of that back room with you, I thought you finally fixed this shit. But standing outside of a bar and being forced to listen to another woman tell your man that he told her he loved her and that she loves him, isn’t easy for anyone to hear or watch. I know the whole story now, but Noe doesn’t. Can you fucking blame her for running?” Roxy ends her speech with her hand on her hip.
I look over at Jimmy, who is looking at the ground to avoid looking me in the eye, “What the fuck did you say to her?”
He looks up, swallows hard, and answers, “I told her you and Anna Belle had been dating for two months. It was a lie. I told Roxy and Sabrina the truth. I’ve called Noely a thousand times already to tell her the truth myself. I was trying to figure out how she really felt, so she’d fight for you. I fucked it up again. I’m so fucking sorry. I was honestly just trying to help.”
I stand up and then run across the room at him. I hit him square in the jaw and then we both tumble to the ground. Jimmy blocks his head, so I land my fist in his ribs as many times as I can before I’m pulled off.
“Why would you tell her that?!! I was trying to get rid of that crazy bitch!!! I don’t need anyone else to help me fuck shit up with Noely!!! I do a great fucking job of it all on my fucking own!!!”
I’m breathing hard and the panic starts to set in, but I won’t let them all watch. I shake Ryan and Rich off and head towards the closest bathroom. I pick up my phone on the way to the bathroom, then slam and lock the door. I dial her again.
When her voicemail beeps, I hit my knees, “Noely, it isn’t true. I wasn’t dating her. I didn’t tell her I love her. I swear I never told her that shit. Please, you have to believe me. Noe, I love you. I’ll give you whatever you want to make you see it. Tell me what to do. God, I’ve been looking for you all night. Why did you leave me?”
As I sob, the voicemail ends, so I redial her number. My body is shaking and my face is covered in tears. I’m on my back trying to get air into my lungs.
“Noely, come home to me. Please, baby, please come home. Come on tour with me. Stop running away from me. I need you. God, I can’t fucking breathe again. I can’t fucking breathe without you. Please come home.”
The voicemail ends again. I get up on all fours a
nd rock. I don’t know why I do this shit.
“Johnny, open the door, man,” Ryan sounds worried.
“I need her, Ryan.”
“Fuck!” he yells.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Two days later, I manage to drag myself onto the RV and head back out on the road. My heart isn’t in it. I don’t speak to anyone. I’m so fucking lost without her. She hasn’t returned a single call or text. All I know is one of them told me she arrived safely in California.
For two months, I eat, sleep, fight through panic attacks, and play music. I dream about her almost every waking and sleeping moment. I remember everything. I try to figure out how I could’ve stopped it all from going so wrong. I play the “what if” game all day long inside my head. I try to devise a plan to get her back.
I don’t speak to Jimmy for two months, and then I slowly let my guard back down, because I’m tired of feeling so alone. I barely speak to my bandmates. I’m fucking tired. It dawns on me one night in Phoenix, Arizona, that I’m destined to live a life without her. It’s not in the stars for us. Love shouldn’t ever really fucking hurt this much, should it?
Two shows later, I find a girl named Carrie. I get fucking hammered with her, and then I stay drunk for the next few months. Carrie is there any time I want to fuck and party. I don’t listen to half of what comes out of her mouth, because I’m usually so lost in my own thoughts. Noely still consumes me, and the alcohol only works to a point. I can’t ever seem to find a complete state of numb. Maybe this is what comfortably numb feels like.
I remember the day she walked into the venue in Los Angeles, all those months after she’d left Brooklyn and ran far away from me. She was dressed to the nines, but she was on the arm of another man. I was too shocked to have a panic attack.
How did she manage to look even better than she did when I last saw her in Brooklyn? Maybe she did need to run away from me. Maybe I’m toxic to her.
And with a snap of her long fingernails, Carrie brought me back to reality.
“Who the fuck are you staring at?” She asks me with a glare.
“Nobody.”
“Let me guess, this is the Noely everyone whispers about,” she guesses.
I look over at Noles again and almost stop breathing. Fuck, she’s beautiful.
“And now I see why they all whisper,” Carrie says sternly.
“Let it go, Carrie,” I warn her.
The meeting between the three of us did not go well. I was close to seeing red when I saw the man she was with put his hand on the small of her back. They seemed familiar, too fucking familiar. I’ve been dying without her all these months, and she just moved on like I never meant shit to her, so, I’m an asshole to her.
But then I see her down in that crowd and find her singing my words, words written for or about her. My heart softens in that moment and I sing to her the rest of the night. Fuck all these months of unnecessary fighting and distance. Fuck all the misunderstandings. With my hands on this guitar, and her eyes on me, I can fucking breathe. The rest of the shit just disappears.
I take the time to ditch Carrie after the show. She doesn’t take it well, but she’s a fucking grade A bitch, so I didn’t expect she would. Security carries her out right before I track Jimmy down.
“Where is she staying?” I ask him.
He gives me the hotel and room number with a wink and a smile.
“Is she dating him?” I ask, just to be sure.
“I don’t think so,” he answers.
I call a cab and wait in front of her door for two hours. I lean against the wall and wait. I’ll be here all night if that’s what it takes to get her back in my life.
I hear the doors open and she steps into the hallway with a million-dollar smile until she sees me.
“Noely,” I call out in a plea.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she says. “How did you know where I was staying?”
I shrug, “Doesn’t matter. I needed to see you.”
She shakes her head, “No. Where’s Carrie?”
She takes a step back, putting even more distance between us. I came here to close that. I can’t take it anymore.
“Who fucking cares?” I make sure she sees I really don’t give a fuck where the bitch is currently or ever.
Noe glares at me, “Isn’t she your girlfriend?”
I hear it, the jealousy in her voice, and realize it means something. I won’t point it out, because it will just piss her off and she’s already holding me at arm’s length. I do know, she wouldn’t be jealous if I didn’t fucking matter.
“No. I said that to hurt you,” I admit. “I’m sorry.”
And I am. Sorry. I wish I could go back to when Ryan walked through the door with her earlier tonight. I wish I’d done it all differently. I wish I didn’t lash out at her. I wish I’d never let Carrie speak to her, much less take up for the bitch.
“You need to leave,” she tells me again.
I don’t have much to work with here. I know that. I’m an asshole, but I push anyway.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you here.”
At least she’s being honest with me again. It’s been a while.
“Why Noely?” I continue to pester her, hoping one of those walls she’s hiding behind will drop so I can see what’s going on behind it.
“You have a girlfriend. You should go find her. Whatever you came here looking for isn’t going to happen.”
Bullshit answer, Noles.
I almost lose my calm when she shoves Carrie in my face again. What do I have to say to make her realize I don’t give a fuck about any other woman alive? I only want Noe.
“I came here looking for my best friend,” my voice cracks, “maybe even hoping to find the woman I love. I already told you she’s not my girlfriend.”
Her eyes race back and forth as she takes in what I’m telling her. I can’t tell if she’s trying to find another reason to get me to leave, another reason why I can’t be here, or if she’s trying to compartmentalize all my bullshit. I give her more to think about, hoping she doesn’t push me away.
“What color is her hair, Noe?”
She won’t look me in the eyes and she’s silent.
“What color, Noely baby?”
God, just calling her that makes my dick twitch. It’s silly to think that two words can have that effect on you. I haven’t called her that in months, but I’ve uttered it a million times in over fifteen years.
“I don’t care,” she lies.
Now we’re back to the lies. She cares, but I’m going to have to show her she does.
“Blonde. Her hair is blonde. What color are her eyes?” I ask.
Even though she’s looking down at her feet, I can see the fire in her eyes.
“Who fucking cares?”
“I do. What color?”
She looks up at me, confusion in her face, and then the anger takes center stage.
“I didn’t get fucking close enough to see the color of her eyes. I was too busy trying not to slap the cuntness right out of her.”
Good. Get mad, Noely. Get fucking angry. I can work with that shit. Angry means you still fucking feel something for me.
She looks down and losing her eyes on me feels like someone popped the air straight from my lungs. Why does she keep looking at her shoes? I’m right fucking here. I’m right here waiting and grasping for straws, anything she’ll give me to hold onto.
“Blue,” my voice is low, mimicking the hurt I’ve held inside all these months. “Her eyes are blue.”
Because your eyes are blue and I can’t close my eyes without seeing your eyes. They haunt me when I’m forced to live without you, and they give me fucking light when I’m next to you.
A tear runs out, quickly, but I check it hoping she doesn’t see. I tell her why Carrie has blonde hair and blue eyes. Hell, I could give you a list a mile long of the blonde-haired, b
lue-eyed women I’ve been intimate with since I started getting my dick wet, because they always come back down to the same fucking thing. I’m in love with Noely, and I couldn’t have her so I fucked whoever made it easier to imagine it was Noe instead.
I suck up the tears threatening to spill over, “So, I ditched Carrie and found out where you were staying. I’ve been waiting for over two hours trying to figure out what I’d say to you when you showed up. Then, as time passed, I was scared you’d gone home with Alex. I don’t think I’ve ever been as relieved as I was when I saw you smiling and practically dancing off the elevator. The only words I can come with are… why? Why’d you leave New York? Why didn’t you call me back? Why can’t I fucking have you? Why don’t you want me? Why is it so wrong to love you? Why don’t you love me back?”
I can’t believe I said all that, and for a half second I wish I could take it back.
“I do!” She screams and hope rises in my chest.
I push off the wall and turn to her. I close the space between us, “I don’t understand. Tell me, Noely baby.”
It only takes two fucking words, her name.
I’m in her face, looking down at her big, blue glistening eyes, and I’m reminding myself I’m not dreaming. She’s really here. I can smell her, I’m touching her, and I’m looking into those fucking eyes. It’s real. I’m really here with her.
“Please,” I beg her to say something. Anything.
She looks away for a second and then brings her eyes back to mine, “I can’t breathe when you’re around! I can’t do this shit anymore!”
My throat feels like it fell into my gut, but I push forward. I pull her into me before she can push away.
“Do what? You can’t do what anymore?” I ask her.
“I can’t do this anymore! I can’t fucking breathe!”
Her walls are coming down.
I move us towards the door and stare down at her the whole way.
“Where’s the key, Noe?” I ask her and watch her eyes shift down to my mouth.
Fuck me.
Under the Cornerstone Page 27
