Wait…did I say love? I mean ‘like’ very much. I’m not falling in love. No, not this time. I’ve been there done that, got the dress somewhere stuffed in a closet in my apartment. And that’s another thing… I will never go wedding dress shopping again! I refuse to! You could say the whole idea makes me a little crazy when I think about it. And that lonely beautiful dress, I have plans to donate it to some poor chick that can’t afford one. So as soon as I find her… it’s gone out of my life too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against marriage, just against marriage for me. I had put so much stock into the idea that one should be married. That to have a meaningful relationship you had to seal the deal with vows, but now I realize, I had put so much stock into getting married that I didn’t see the big picture. I know now I can love someone and they can love me, have a commitment to someone and they to me; be with someone day in and day out without having to be married to them. Our bond of togetherness is sealed by words and actions toward one another, not by a piece of paper that would be a wedge between us. Besides, I’m not destroying my heart again for another man to get cold feet and walk out on me. So from this day forward, if I find someone to love, its love me forever and I will reciprocate. Yes, I am the reciprocating girl now!
Denver and I talked about this once. His idea of a relationship was the same. He wanted someone he could grow old with, someone that understood him, someone he couldn’t wait to get home to. But he didn’t want to get married. He said he could get used to me. Funny thing, I already was used to him. Dangerous thing though because I fall fast and hard, but yet I remain guarded. Don’t ask me how I just know I have these moments when I surround my heart in bubble wrap and no one’s allowed to pop the bubbles. No not even loving sexy, handsome, sexsomniac Denver.
Those are my “leave me alone moments” and “let me get lost in myself” or “do some retail therapy shopping to get my mind off of where I should be, what I should be doing or if I’m going to wake up and find that you’re leaving me” times. I’ve had only one of these moments since Denver started coming back around, but right now I’m okay. Denver’s not the jealous type, so he never asks about old boyfriends, especially not Radley. However, I did tell him the whole story once and he never brought it back up. Lucky for me, because if he did I’d probably wrap my heart in bubble wrap right before his eyes. The last time that happened it freaked him out a little bit.
The morning was going great. Denver and I settled on the couch, each on an end, facing one another with toes touching. I was working a new project on my computer; he was reading a technical manual on something I couldn’t wrap my head around. Occasionally I would be caught staring at him, just watching him read. He was beautiful. He had grown out his beard but he kept it trim, not that I minded when he left it scruffy, it made him look that much more masculine. But this morning his hair was mussed and his beard was trim and shiny. His eyes were busy reading and his body was relaxed and comfortable. He had such pretty feet too. At one point his long massive legs were stretched out and his foot rested on my thigh. He looked as though a pedicure was a common thing for him to have. I loved that!
He caught me staring and smiled.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just watching you read.” I sighed.
He laid his book on his lap and studied me for a moment. He did this a lot. But I liked it. I didn’t mind the stares especially the stares into my eyes. He was never looking away when he spoke to me, it was always as if he was speaking straight to my soul, and not to me.
“We should go somewhere.”
“Where?” I asked. I loved to travel, so did he.
“I dunno.” He pulled out an envelope from his manual and tossed it across the couch.
“What’s this?”
“Open it up!” He smiled.
My fingers slipped open the envelope revealing two plane tickets to NYC.
“You’re not serious?” I squealed.
“Yes, you said it was an awesome place to go, so let’s go!”
“OMG when? When are we going?”
“Look at the ticket…” then he looked at his watch. “You have about two hours to pack before our plane leaves.”
“Two hours? Are you serious?” I climbed across his long massive legs spread out on the couch, till I reached his torso. My face was close to his face and my lips quickly found his. His manual was squished between our bodies, but I didn’t care. He turned his body to sit, with me now straddling him and stood to his feet. He carried me into the bedroom not missing a beat or letting go of our kiss. A celebration was in order. Our first plane ride as boyfriend and girlfriend. Our first visit to New York City. He was in for a treat and had no idea how much fun it would be.
***
“You know, it’s funny, how sex can be so releasing, so relaxing and it’s just an act.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, It’s two people engaging their parts, both equally receiving one another and releasing tension.”
“Like no real connection? Just mechanical? Is that what you mean?”
“Sort of. Not that there’s no connection, but like I can do it all the time. Like it’s a second nature just to satisfy and be satisfied. As long as I know you are satisfied and are enjoying it too, then that’s what’s most important.” He continued as he folded his clothes in his suitcase.
“Well, no doubt I do, you know that.”
“What’s your favorite?” he asked. Why were we discussing this I wondered? This was something you discuss while you’re in the midst of it all not while you’re packing for NYC.
“Hmm…I don’t think I have a favorite, I like most anything.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, what is yours?”
“I guess I don’t have one but there is one I favor.”
“Haha…let me guess…” What guy doesn’t like that position? It’s so primitive. It’s not my favorite and the least on my list due to the fact it seems mechanical. But since we rarely go in that direction, I wasn’t complaining.
“Ha ha… no,” He kissed me sweetly on the head. “You have me so misjudged. I like to stare into your eyes.”
“Uh huh.”
***
We landed in NY right before sundown on a busy Friday night. The cab ride to the hotel was eventful and I could swear we should have been killed a zillion times before we arrived. What is it with cabbies and driving in NYC? They yell and scream profanity, they speed and sway in and out of traffic, they never talk to you either. Very quiet. But the hotel Denver had booked was amazing. The room was small, of course, most all rooms in NYC are, but it was quaint. It was set just one block off Central Park and it had an amazing roof top bar. The window in the room looked out into the street and we were able to open it to let the sweet sounds of the streets spill in.
Since we arrived starved we changed into something a little more comfortable and hit the streets in search for a pizza parlor. We were in luck there was one in close proximity to the hotel, just a couple short quick blocks, and they had a few outdoor dining tables to sit and enjoy the view. The view, of course, was of the streets and the amazing diverse people that made up New York City. I loved NY for this reason. No one was judgmental here. Everyone had their own identity and no one cared. It was a vast pool of accepting people. You could be anything or anyone you wanted to be in NY and it was acceptable. It was my kind of hometown; my kind of heaven.
We ordered a pizza, drank a few glasses a wine, and decided to explore the area. We quickly found a little salsa bar tucked between a few apartment buildings and made our way inside. I had only danced salsa with Denver in my living room but he had taken lessons and he was adamant about getting to do some real dancing in a real salsa bar. So of course I agreed and was not sorry. My hips were in heaven moving to the beat. We were drenched with sweet sweat and smiles by the time they called last call. I really didn’t want the night to end. It was magical dancing so close and swaying with him. There
were times I felt we were joined at the hip. He was incredibly smooth and sexy guiding me. I never knew he had moves like that! So amazingly seductive! And even though his stature overpowered my tiny five foot three frame, on the dance floor it didn’t matter. He could spin me, roll me in and out of his arms, and rock me dancing unlike any other. He was good, I, of course, was not so, but I didn’t step on his toes much but when I did the sound of laughter filled the stale smelling bar.
When we arrived back at the hotel I was awestruck and we hadn’t even been in NYC long. Denver was amazed at the city. He pointed out many things he thought was interesting along the walk. I had told him about the wonderful trails in Central Park and how sweet it was to run there. He agreed we needed to do that first thing in the morning. Wow, New York City with Denver was quickly becoming my favorite place to be.
Back in our room, he poured us a glass of fine scotch while I slipped into a nightie I had tucked for a special occasion. This was a special occasion. He took one look at me from across the room and smiled saying with his glass high in the air, “Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation. You twirl it carefully in your hands; take a whiff of its sweet smell; gaze over it in admiration; then you taste it with your tongue.”
He handed me a glass that had a few sips. He knew I didn’t like the taste but he wanted to taste it on my lips after so I agreed to a drink or two. It quickly made me warm inside, a little dizzy, but I gained my ground when he tasted it off my tongue. I assumed he was through gazing. He downed the last remaining in his glass then pulled me closer. I will not reveal what he whispered in my ear before he began but I will say it again, he’s amazing!
The next morning we slept in. The run through Central Park was canceled due to our late night rendezvous but we agreed maybe a bike ride later would be more fitting for us. Fortunately, we awoke without a hangover and the hotel served room service breakfast. I gave him every opportunity to make me smile and he wasted no time awakening all my senses when we showered. We hit the streets around noon and took the subway exploring parts of the city I thought was important for him to see. The site of where the twin towers stood was our first stop. They had built a memorial in their place to honor all those that lost their lives that day. I had read how beautiful and touching it was in the newspapers and saw pictures but I always had wanted to visit it in person. It was as beautiful as we had imagined and serene. Such a solemn place now and very heartbreaking. After spending an hour or so reflecting we moved on to the Empire State building. Now we were feeling like tourists in the midst of the crowd, shuffled like cattle, in a long waiting line that dumped you into the elevators that took you to the top to explore. When we finally made it, it was worth the wait. Of course, Denver was a patient man. He didn’t mind crowds. He didn’t mind long lines. We used that time to talk. There were a few times we were found locking lips and being playful with one another, but for the most part, we shared stories and chatted with those around us. Denver was like me, never meets a stranger. He’s comfortable talking to anyone. I loved that about him. He was very friendly and outgoing, always with a smile, and a pleasant deep baritone voice. I loved to hear him say my name. But he didn’t like to call me Sadie, like everyone else, he liked calling me Samantha. So he did. All the time. And it rolled off his lips like a fine wine.
The afternoon wrapped up back in Central Park walking hand in hand watching the homeless settle in for the evening. We found a lil’ bistro to grab a few sandwiches from and made our way back to the hotel. The evening was young and it was our second night, but we were also exhausted. Walking around exploring the city had worn us out. We agreed to call it an early night and we did just that, snuggled up, spooning until we drifted off to sleep.
In the wee hours of the morning my amazing sexsonomiac was back, but I didn’t mind. I just allowed his eager nature to consume me until he exhausted his desire. It took a while. In a moment like this, you find yourself enjoying the man that so desires you. You understand that it’s rare to be loved like this. Subconsciously, he has to have you. There is something absolutely beautiful about this. I couldn’t quite grasp why at certain times he had this need, but it didn’t matter. The fact was he needed me. That was comforting. So when he began his journey, as I promised, I awakened him, but not until I was near exhaustion. You see, I’m smart like that. I enjoy him a little too much at times, I admit.
We spent Sunday buying tickets to a Broadway play, exploring the Brooklyn Bridge, and eating ice cream at a little nook parlor on the other side of the island. The ice cream was amazing as so was the play. Very gifted and talented actors with skills of moving our emotions from one scene after another. It was an easy peasy Sunday. We took it light and took a cab whenever we could. We avoided the subways and the walking due to the fact we both wanted to get an early run in central park before we left on Monday.
We agreed that evening too, to a no sex night. I laughed when he mentioned it and added no sleep walking either. I knew he had no control over that. After lying cuddled up for over an hour, both of us wide awake staring at the TV, I made a compromise. Without saying a word I slipped under the sheet and greeted him. He didn’t complain, only complimented me on my accomplishment of waking him up so nicely, and thanked me for exhausting his manhood. I, myself, was quite pleased he was now satisfied and would go to sleep.
The next morning after a small breakfast of carbs and fruit we laced up our shoes. Now, I’m at least a foot shorter than Denver, there is no way we would ever run at the same pace, So I suggested he run at his pace and I at mine. We would run on the wide open trails where all the bikes and folks walked their dogs. A very safe open trail. When we finished we agreed to meet at the corner of the park where a bagel stand stood. Then afterward, we would explore some of the off beaten trails. When we arrived at the park, the mounds of homeless were still sleeping. Piles and piles were scattered about like flowers growing in humps. Some had blankets. Some had newspapers. Most were well covered and looked warm and comfy. They were not friendly, but they were harmless. Many people were already on the trails with their dogs or strollers not minding the humps lying around either, so neither did I. Denver was shocked at first but then warmed up to the idea. After all, the park belonged to everyone. Another thing I loved about NY and their accepting nature.
We finished up our run, grabbed a snack and headed to explore, and then back to the hotel to shower and pack. The shower took a while, of course, there were parts of our bodies that just needed special attention before boarding the plane. So we took our time making sure all said parts were expected and thoroughly washed.
We boarded the plane at sundown and landed back in Huntsville at dark thirty. The trip was more than amazing, it was adventurous. And just like I had guessed, we were good traveling together. We were just good together period. We both felt it, we both embraced it. We both talked about it. We both were right where we belonged, together. No doubt now both in love.
Then one night late, after several months of loving him, he asked me if I wanted any children. I always had, but I knew I couldn’t. Out of everything we had talked about over the months we were together, we never talked about having children together. I was guarded in that aspect. It was something I had always longed for, but accepted it would never happen. It wasn’t easy facing the truth of that. Yeah, I guess I could adopt a child, but I wanted one of my own. It was a deep hurt. One I wasn’t ready to share with Denver. And why was that? I shared everything with this man. I shared my worst fears to my biggest dreams but I never spoke of children with him.
“I’ve always wanted children.”
“Good.”
In the dark that surrounded our bed that we now shared, Denver had moved in after the NY trip, we had decided that living apart wasn’t practical since we were always together; I told him the painful truth.
He sat up quickly and said, “Are you serious?”
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Wow. I wish I had known.”
&nbs
p; ‘Wish I had known’ cut through the air like a knife gutting the stillness. I could feel the rain drops of blood pouring on me. What was I supposed to say? We never really talked about it. We never brought it up. I assumed since he was against marriage he was against having children too. So I figured it wouldn’t matter that I couldn’t have children. At the age of thirty I had a complete hysterectomy. Something I didn’t share with anyone. I was ashamed of my body for never having the goods to do the one job it was designed for, bear a child. I knew in my heart I would never be a mother and it was very hard for me to accept it. Of course, a few years had passed since I was devastated by the surgery, but just like everything in my life, I knew it must have been all part of some big plan for why the Good Lord didn’t want me to have a child.
Then I told him of the loss of the two pregnancies I had. He was sympathetic. He didn’t even ask with who, so I didn’t tell him. It had been a while since the thoughts of that man entered my mind. I try to push him away and out of my life for this reason and now I was facing the same thing with Denver. My heart was crumbling in the dark lying beside him. He wasn’t cuddling me or comforting me. The tears dripped steady upon the pillow beneath me. I tried hard to not breathe, not to sniffle, not feel, not say another word. And I was scared of what he would say next to me.
He didn’t. He didn’t say another word. And I had no idea when he fell asleep. I lay awake for hours scolding myself for not telling him when we met. What was I thinking? I was older than him yes, but only by five years. I’m sure he thought I was still in my prime to have children. And of course I was. We would have made beautiful babies together, I agreed. Only I couldn’t. And the thought of his disappointment and his silence overwhelmed me. I felt so alone in the dark lying beside him, I just couldn’t take it. I slipped out of bed with my pillow in hand and settled on the couch. I knew what was to happen in the morning hours and I wasn’t ready to face it. Just like with Ed, Denver would awake distant from me, things wouldn’t be the same then I’d have to explain all over again, because he wouldn’t understand or he wouldn't be sure if he had heard me right last night. The conversation would lead to tears, maybe a small fight, I would get angry, he would storm out, and then followed by us going our separate ways. Yeah, what was I thinking?
The Quest Page 16
