“Shut up,” he scolded.
So we talked about his life until the pizza came. I avoided my life with Denver. I didn’t want to talk about it. Because it was exciting and adventurous and I missed it. I missed him badly and it had only been just over a week since he had left me. My mind trailed to thinking I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live without him. I couldn’t handle the thought of never seeing him again. How could something so beautiful between two people just end so abruptly? How could he walk away so easily? We could adopt a baby! Why was he being so selfish? I thought he loved me!
Radley noticed a change in my facial expressions and my lips mouthing something unrecognizable to him and ordered me a water.
“You need to slow down,” he said and pushed a slice of yummy pizza on a plate my way.
“I’m all right really.”
“No, you’re not. I’ve seen that look.”
“Tell me something, Why does this always happen to me? What’s wrong with me?” I sulked. “Why can’t anyone love me?” Here I was asking Radley the things I wondered when he did this to me. Now I was wanting his opinion. Funny how time changes things.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, it’s them.” He added, “He was stupid for walking out on you.” He sighed heavily over his slice then admitted, “So was I.”
“You?”
“Yeah, I should have never let you go. I was stupid to. I admit it. You were the best thing in my life and I screwed it up for us.”
“You were the best thing in my life then too. I really loved you.”
“I know.” He took a bite of his pizza, chewed and swallowed. “But I still love you. I will always love you. That will never change.” He stared at me with those beautiful blue eyes. “Now eat.”
“I know.” I decided one bite couldn’t hurt, and then two wasn’t bad. I had the whole slice eaten before I knew it. Radley smiled at my accomplishment knowing I must be feeling better. He was quite proud of himself for being there for me too. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed me like a big brother on the head again. I smiled at him thanking him and ordered another margarita.
Near the midnight hour we were still at the bar drinking. Mostly slurring, well I was anyway. My words just didn’t seem to spill out right. I was having issues talking and when I jumped up to go to the bathroom I realized I was having issues with the floor as well, or was it my legs? Either way, neither seemed to be co-operating. Radley realized the only place I needed to be was back home, but he knew it would be a challenge if I wasn’t able to walk up my three flights of stairs.
He watched me stumble to the bathroom then back out again. I could see out of the corner of my eye him shaking his head.
“Come on, already paid, let’s go.”
“Go where? I don wanna go nowherz. Im gud here.” I smiled and tried to sit back down at the bar.
“No, honey, time to go.” He led me away from the bar stumbling out the door. Yeah, I’m a lightweight I admit when it comes to drinking but tonight I had several drinks and a couple rounds of shots to polish off my drunkenness. I wasn’t throwing up, though, so I thought I was doing quite well. And who cared if the street was spinning, it was fun. Or at least I thought so on the walk back to my apartment. I was smiling wide, laughing and giggling, twirling around and around making Radley dance with me on the deserted streets. At times, he seemed rather annoyed but then there were times he twirled me like he was enjoying the dancing too. I love to twirl! Did I mention I love to twirl? It’s my favorite part of the dance. Denver used to twirl me around and around then he would end that twirl with me pressed right up against him, he leaning over my shoulder, our arms all tangled and wrapped around each other tight enough to feel our hearts beat. Then he would gaze into my eyes, whisper softly, something sweet, and kiss me. Always. Every time.
Radley managed to dance me back to the stairs that led to my apartment but there was no way I was able to climb them. I sat down on the bottom step and looked up the three flights breathing heavily. “I’m good right here.” I breathed. I leaned over till my cheek landed on the bottom step, comfy and secure like that’s where I’d spend the night. “Dis’ is nice. Night night Wadley. See ya morrow. Tanks for da dwinks. Wuv you.” I snuggled my hand under my cheek and closed my eyes.
So he did what any guy friend would do with a drunk girl on his hands; put me in his car and drove me to his place. I don’t blame him for not carrying me up the three flights of stairs, I wasn’t light; I was five foot three and full of muscle. That would have been one hell of a workout for him. His place was just around the corner so I’m sure it was just easier to take me there and let me sleep it off then bring me back home in the morning. Good plan right? Wrong!
I had no idea where I was when I awoke. I recognized the smell and the bed all too well, but I had never been in this place. I knew the muscle-bound stranger that was lying beside me but he was sound asleep. My head was a thick fog of muck. I couldn’t remember anything except for eating a slice of pizza and drinking a margarita or two. I sat up quietly and stared at him. I took a quick peek under the covers and yup, just as I had expected, my clothes were gone. I peeked under the covers a second time to check him out and yeah, he was butt naked too. Ugh!
Why did I do this? Why did he do this? Damn! I wanted to scream and scold and wake him up but I didn’t. I just silently slid out of bed disgusted with myself and him while tiptoeing to the bathroom. I found my clothes, slipped back on my undies, then crawled back in bed. Why did I crawl back in bed? Where else was I going to go? Radley moved closer to me snuggling me within his arms, mumbled something that sounded as if he was asking if I was all right and fell back to sleep when he heard my reply.
When the morning sun appeared, I awoke with breakfast cooking and one hell of a happy guy singing to the radio in the kitchen. What was he thinking? No, I didn’t want breakfast. He was cooking bacon. How dare he cook me bacon after what he did last night! The country songs were blaring loud on the radio as I tiptoed in.
“Good Morning!” he chirped as I came into the kitchen.
“What are you doing?”
“Cooking, what’s it look like?”
“No, I mean last night…why did you…what did you…you know…”
“Oh, that.” He smiled and turned back to my bacon blurting out lyrics as he went.
“It’s not funny, you took advantage of me.”
“No, I didn’t. You were all over me!”
“You’re lying!”
“Hey, you couldn’t control yourself. You need to stop drinking so much and maybe it wouldn’t have happened!”
“I don’t… That’s not true… I can’t believe you would…”
“What? Take care of you? You asked me too.”
“I did not!”
“Sure you did. Just like you always do. It was nice! Here have a bite of bacon.” He attempted to hand me a crisp slice while he sang. “Nothing like a fine woman… nothing like a fine wine… show me a little attention… I’ll show you a good time… my-my…”
“Nothing happened!” I screamed.
“Whatever you say.” He chuckled.
“You’re lying! Admit it, you’re lying! Why are you doing this to me? I’m not coming back to you, Radley!”
“I am not lying! And yes you should. You know you belong here. Why do you deny it, Sadie?”
“No, I don’t. And you should be ashamed of yourself for last night!” I stormed out of the kitchen searching a way back to his bedroom, sliding on the rest of my clothes in record speed, grabbing all that I knew was mine lying on the floor and muttering some unpleasantries under my breath. Radley trailed behind me still barking about what he thought was best for me.
“You’re a mess, Sadie, stay with me, let me help you. You need me.”
“No, I don’t!”
“Yes, you do!”
“Radley, stop it!” I screamed pushing him out of my way.
“I promise things will be different this time.” He gr
abbed the stuff out of my hands and threw them on to his bed, refusing to let me leave. “I’ve changed. I’ve missed you, baby,” he added trying to hug me.
“No, stop it! Let go! I’m not staying, Radley! Stop it!”
“Sadie, you can’t leave…you…”
“Watch me!”
I was a big girl! He couldn’t tell me what to do! I grabbed my things off his bed and trailed back down the long hallway till I found what I thought was the front door. The door flew open and I stormed out. He wasn’t going to boss me! He thinks he knows what’s best for me; he has no idea what’s best for me. He wasn’t going to hold me and make it all better for me. He shouldn’t have taken advantage of me when I was too drunk to remember or enjoy it even. Damn! As vulnerable as I am he should be the one ashamed. I yelled at him again as I slammed the door behind me, “You haven’t changed! You’re such a pig!”
I stepped off the threshold of the house and was stopped dead in my tracks. My feet were frozen. OMG, where was I? The vast openness that had my eyes searching for miles stood before me welcoming me to a beautiful brand new day. The landscaping was surely created with care by the Good Lord himself no doubt. It was taking my breath away. My eyes swelled up. I turned around and looked back at the building I just emerged from and realized I didn’t know it. The rocky entrance was inviting me back inside, daring me to explore its remains, but I couldn’t. Radley opened the large oversized door slowly and stared out at me. He was silent and sad not saying a word. Probably afraid that I’d call him another name. He was soft like that. He hated confrontation. I stared back confused.
“Where am I?” I coldly spit out.
“Home.”
“No seriously, Radley, whose place is this?”
“Mine. My home.”
“Since when?”
“A few months now. Not quite finished but it’s getting there.”
“Wait, wait…” he can’t be serious. “This is your home?”
“Yours too if you want.”
“No,” I said coldly.
“Okay.” Radley turned around not welcoming an argument and walked back inside leaving me to boil on the fresh front lawn alone. I couldn’t blame him really. I was being a brat. And how dare he go and build our dream house on the top of a hill in Tennessee! How dare he invite me to live here too? Who does he think I am? What about his girlfriend huh? What about all those broken promises, the nights he only called me when he was lonely, the days I spent longing for him, the hours I wished I was still his girl, what about those feelings huh? How was I supposed to forget all that and pick back up where we left off? He left me on the floor, remember? I didn’t belong on the floor and I don’t belong here. Not sure where I belong now, but I just knew it wasn't here no matter what he offered me.
I spun back around with arms full of my things in search of my car. Where was my car? Damn! My car was nowhere in sight. Then I faintly remembered the drive here last night. I let out a big sigh and walked back inside. He was back in the kitchen finishing up the breakfast but no longer singing. I threw my stuff on the floor and sat down at the bar. I watched him move about with mad tears welling in my eyes then put my face in my hands and hid my disgust.
“I’ll give you a ride after we eat okay?” he said calmly waving his white flag.
“Okay.” I felt defeated so I waved my white flag back.
The breakfast was good as I remembered. He was soft spoken and for the most part quiet. It had been a long time since we had words against each other and I felt so bad for it. I knew he was just trying to help. I also knew he still loved me. He had been sending me messages ever since the day Ed left me. He never really knew about Denver. I never shared Denver with anyone. I knew that Radley wasn’t ready to let go of me, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of him breaking me again, so I just couldn’t give him any more chances. I just couldn’t.
It had been a very long time since I had felt his body against mine, and I won’t lie, he felt so good. When he snuggled me this morning it brought back many memories. Memories I longed for and couldn’t remember from time to time. I somehow blocked all those feel good feelings, you know the ones, the familiar ones that make you return to arms such as these. I block them I know to keep my heart safe, keep my head from thinking there could ever be more, and keep my body from getting pleasantly railroaded by him again. But for some reason, as I sat there munching on mounds of bacon, I didn’t feel as though he railroaded my body last night. The reason I say this is because I know what my body feels like after it’s been loved by Radley and I felt fine not freshly trampled on. So why would he lie? I sat there now staring at him, he staring back at me, wondering if I should just ask now that everything was calm between us. Surely he would tell me the truth. Right?
“So tell me the truth…what really happened last night?”
“Truth?”
“Yes, I need to know.” I swallowed hard afraid of what he’d say.
“What does it matter?”
“It just does. I’m not ready to go there again with you. I need to know if anything happened.”
He looked at me with those beautiful blue sad eyes and said, “Nothin’.”
“Nothin’?”
“Nothin’. You were all over me, as I was with you of course. We started shedding clothes as we walked through the door, but by the time you made it to the bed and laid down, you were out. So I pulled the covers over you and went to bed myself.”
“Really?”
“Honestly, Sadie, do you think I would take advantage of you if you were that drunk? Geez, give me some credit!” His voice rose with excitement.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t…”
“I know, I get it. You don’t want me.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you. I want to not want you. You make it very difficult for me to move on.”
“But there’s no need for you to move on…you know that…come back home. I need you… I miss you. It’s not the same without you.”
“I thought you had a girlfriend?”
“So?”
“What about her? Don’t you care about her?”
“I care about her, but I love you. I don’t love her.”
I stared into his eyes and I remembered there was a time I would have given anything to hear him say those words again to me. Those words meant nothing now. I was cold and unfeeling. I wanted to say, ‘you don’t love me you just think you do,’ but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find the words to say that without hurting him. I could tell he was hurting enough already.
“Come on,” he said grabbing his keys, “I’ll take you home.”
“Thanks.” My crooked smile did no good. I followed him down a hallway and out a door that led us into a garage where his car was parked.
“Nice place.”
“I know.”
***
The long ride back to my apartment was a quiet one as my head began to spin again trying to make sense of it all. I figured I would just go back to bed and forget about my life for a while, forget about sleeping naked with Radley, forget his big beautiful house he built on a mountain top in Tennessee, forget about the breathtaking view I wanted so badly to capture with my camera. Although I knew I could never do it justice, I would try because I just didn’t want to forget it.
When we arrived, Radley offered to help me with my stuff up the stairs, I declined the help, kissing him on the cheek and thanking him for all he had done for me. As I climbed my stairs I heard him peel out of the parking lot. In some strange way I took that as if he was glad to get rid of me. I had no idea when I’d see him again. Radley hates drama and the past twenty hours had been nothing but drama with me. But no doubt he wouldn't quit trying to win me over. I was sure as soon as he thought I was back to my old chipper self, he would be back at my door.
Truth was I missed Denver even worse now. Being in Radley’s arms made me feel guilty even though nothing happened, but it was Denver that I wanted now. Denver that I needed in my li
fe. Denver that I wished would have shown up at my door and rescued me. Denver that I wished I had gotten drunk with last night and slept wonderfully in his arms. I missed Denver’s crispy bacon; his yummy scrambled eggs mixed with four different cheeses and special spices; I missed his kisses over stinky black coffee and fresh blueberry muffins. Where was he? I don’t know. But I wish I did.
I slipped off my jeans and climbed beneath the sheets of my old new bed. It wasn’t as comfy as Denver’s, but it was mine. And I had no choice but to get used to it. It didn't take long before I was asleep and forgetting about the life I once had; The lives I’ve shared with Radley; The life I lost with Ed; And now the life I missed with Denver.
In a time of sulking sorrow, you sleep. I thank the Good Lord for allowing me to sleep. When I’m asleep I don’t remember that Denver’s not here with me and how I‘d give anything to have him awaken me again with that sweet condition of his.
Chapter Thirteen
The Hot Ugly Brute
I slept through the night and woke up at sunrise the next morning. I stood at my bar drinking my latte wondering why I had allowed my life to go in the direction it had. I wondered why I get myself in these pickles that torment me. Why do I pick the men that hurt me the most? I just couldn’t grasp the idea of why I attract such heartbreakers. Isn’t there a guy out there with a tender heart? One that won’t leave me if I can’t carry his child? Is there not a guy left in this world that isn’t selfish? In my heart, I just couldn’t fathom another break. “I’m out of duct tape,” I heard myself say out loud.
I made myself busy unpacking and hanging all the pictures upon the empty walls. I had really considered moving to another apartment, this one held too many memories now. Seemed all my lovers had lived here at some point. Now that they all had left me, the walls were beginning to haunt me. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I needed to move.
The Quest Page 18
