Out of the beat, I heard a bang. One right after another. Not on my door but on the wall or something coming from where I knew not. I froze and lifted the needle on my player. The record continued to spin. Then I heard it again followed by a few obscenities. Still not being able to tell where it was coming from. I deemed it harmless and resumed my dancing. Half past another body sweat and two songs down, I heard the pounding again. This time on my door. Ugh! With my old apartment, I had no worries about playing my music loud. No one around me cared. Here, I didn’t know anyone, so I had no idea who would be complaining.
Without a second thought, I ripped open the door, sweat still dripping, heart still pounding from my dancing, paying no attention to the way I was half dressed.
“What?” I belted when the door flew open.
“It’s you.” He smirked under his breath.
“What do you want?”
“I knew I recognized you. Turn the damn music down, what are you some stripper or something?”
“Yeah, practicing my pole dancin’ and I’m not done dancin’!” I slammed the door and smiled. Now, I know why he was staring. Yes, it was the brute that graced the field today when I shot the pictures. It was the not so nice guy that frowned and scolded everyone around me. Lucky me. He’s my neighbor. Ugh!
I resumed my dancing through the sounds of his obscenities and pounds. The louder he yelled the louder I turned up the music, almost to the point of exploding my speakers. But I never answered my door again.
“Keep on knocking but you can’t come in…my pole’s a little greasy but feelin’ it…yeah yeah…uh huh…uh huh…uh huh,” I sang while my feet jumped happily around.
My soul needed the freedom required for dancing. It had been way too long since I felt that freedom. I decided to make it my new cardio routine, so every night around nine or so I would clear the living room area, and crank my record player up. One night I made it a singing lesson and played nothing but Babs, all night long. I stopped singing along to the last evergreen record around two a.m. Ole Brutus stopped cussing me around midnight. He must have found some ear plugs or joined me, who knows.
The following morning on the way to dump a few bags of garbage I ran into him. He grunted when he saw me and I just flashed my pearly whites at him. Teach him to be mean. I don’t play nice. When you’re rude to me, I’m not gonna be rude, no I’m gonna be annoying so you need to be nice. I almost told him that too when he grunted a second time and shook his head. I guess he doesn’t know how to be nice. Poor guy. He still looked fine even though he wasn’t the friendliest person he sure was a hot ugly man! Yup…he quickly became my very hot ugly Brutus. Since I was caught up in the military project where everything is an acronym, I felt it was only my duty to assign him one. So he was now my V.H.U.B. My H.U.B. as I called him. HUB’s for short!
I wrapped up the picture project and sent it off. I received a letter of thanks and praises for a job well done. The article I wrote for them was quite impressive so they were asking if I’d like to work with them on future projects, articles and such. Sure, I told them. Any work was welcome and needed.
Now I was back to being just me and my padded bank account with nothing going on. I had been off the dating sites since I met Denver, and I really didn’t have the strength to re-visit them. Sofie was still a no show in a text message but I figured she’d come around when she was ready. Radley had texted asking how I was; of course my reply was as always, “Fabulous!”
“When you coming over?” he’d ask.
“Not.”
“Why not?
“Can’t.” Don’t you hate those one word or one line texts? They are so impersonal.
“Just get over here!” he replied like that would really get me to come over, not.
“Sorry. Busy.”
“With what?”
“Work,” I lied. I had nothing but I wasn’t telling him that.
“Okay.”
I figured he’d give up but no he texted me almost every other day, same scenario. I just figured he dumped his girlfriend after the last time I saw him. Then I remembered he had no idea I moved, I never told him. The thought of that put a big smile on my face. I was really free of his ghost. Wow! Who knew it would be that simple to just move to keep from finding him at my door. He was good about popping in. I was happy no one was popping. And Brutus, I mean HUBs, I was hoping would move. Maybe move into my old apartment. Now wouldn’t that be funny if Radley showed up there one night and HUBs answered the door? Oh my! He would immediately think he was my boyfriend. And knowing HUBs, he wouldn’t be nice to Radley, Radley would probably mouth off to him, there would be a scuffle, a little swear throwing, maybe a few punches here and there and I would be sitting back with my bag of popcorn watching the show, enjoying the feature ‘HUBs and the Honey. Hoping for a part two!
So I made it my mission to run into HUBs every chance I got, and dropped hints that he should move. I knew my apartment was still empty. I knew his was the same size, so he could just lateral over. I even stopped by the leasing office and told the agent about a guy that lives by me that gives me the creeps. She immediately knew I was talking about the hot ugly Brute, and she agreed he had that effect on her too. So she said she would try to speak to him about other options, saying him moving into my old apartment was actually a great idea and he would probably love the view of the streets of Providence from there. She said she may even find some incentive like a discounted rate or something just to make it happen.
She said his name was Alex. He didn’t look like a Alex to me he looked like a Brutus, I told her. We laughed with her agreeing to see what she could do. I was quite pleased when I left her office and was soon back on my mission to convince the HUBs to start packing. It was a simple plan; really it was, but a long shot too. Guys don’t like to move. They hate change. This I know well by everything I had been through with the men in my life. But that evening despite the aches and pains in my legs and my cramping calves, I danced. Evil creature I was. But I had nothing else to do until the moment I decided I needed to paint. It had been a while since my last painting adventure.
I cranked the music up really loud again in my apartment. I hung a white sheet on a wall with a few small unnoticeable nails then prepared my paint for my sheet canvas. Before I knew it, I was no longer painting with a brush I was painting with my fingers. Yes, I had converted to child-like finger painting, which led to elbow painting, and then the toe painting soon followed. I seriously had it everywhere, my clothes, my hair, my floor, my walls. At some point, a blue glob of paint hit the ceiling, not sure when, though. It didn’t matter now. It was done.
I was dancing and singing right along with all the body painting. My clothes were removed one after another as I experimented with different body parts. So you can imagine, I used my girls (boobs), my lips, my ass, the tips of my nails swirling and twirling all the pretty colors together expressing every inch to the bone of passion my poor soul possessed within me.
My iPod was belting Janis Joplin, the sassy sounds of Tina Turner, and an occasional man hater Cher song. When the mellow sounds of Lionel reached across the threshold of my apartment, I moved rather slow and sexy, steady and groovy then when the songs were replaced by Adele, I was back to that sass! Just like my record collection, my iPod knows me well! It threw a little of Ella and Babs in the mix, then spit a few Evanescence tunes just to crank up my solemn, depressing, ‘I’m in no mood for nonsense’ mood. My masterpiece was complete after the ever so loving Ave Maria was sung at the top of my lungs right along with Beyoncé. It was an evening I will cherish. An evening that I’m not sure I could ever re-do in such a naked fashion. It was definitely an evening of painting that released my frustration and my sensual desires; desires that were hidden in the depths of my soul longing to be rid and discarded of.
I sat in the dim light of my living room with the outside sounds coming in from the opened window. I sat Indian style on the rags I had lain across my pristine floor to prot
ect it. I sat there in silence, HUBs stopped pounding an hour or so ago, covered head to toe in every color of paint I had available to me. I sat naked but not cold, not ashamed of my body, and just stared ahead; staring at the wall before me. My iPod had grown silent. My body and my mind were very still in awe of what I had created. The breeze blowing through my curtained window was tantalizing. I was humbled. I began to try to make sense of it all and read the painting as if it spoke to me. What was it saying to me? What was it that it needed me to know? It was so massive and bold, so strikingly beautiful with its sharp strokes and rounded curves. But in the same sense, it was calm and quiet radiating peace within. Could I be missing something? It really was crazy beautiful just like me.
Then it hit me. It hit me like an ocean wave rising high then diving deep to drown my soul. I fought it hard at first, feeling my throat swell, my heart pound, my toes tingle, till it resonated with me. It was Peace. My Peace. The peace I felt I no longer possessed due to all the distractions I’d had in my life. I realized now I unknowingly created this masterpiece right from my very soul to show myself that my peace hadn’t abandoned me, it was still there and very much alive within me. I had been struggling with the whole dating scene I didn’t want to be cast back into, with Denver abandoning me due to my childless producing body, with Radley appearing to take care of me and my desire to still want him in my life, and also with Sofie’s demise. The painting was trying to tell me, in the midst of all my madness, my peace had not left me after all. That I needed to not worry about my love life, that it would one day come in the arms of a fine man that was deserving of me. He would complete me regardless of what my body could produce. I needed to not worry about Radley showing up or what that must have meant, it more than likely didn’t mean anything. Nor worry about Sofie. She would find her peace when she is ready and willing to accept it in her life. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want your help. They will come to you in their own time. Just be there for them when they do reach out to you. This I so understood. I was now smiling at the massive colorful print before me. It was so crystal clear now.
I closed my eyes and placed my hands palm side up upon my knees. I straightened out my posture and sat upright. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it all out through my mouth. I took another deep breath in this time feeling it deep within my belly and let it out with a roar. I repeated this deep breath roar over and over again. Then I remembered an old Buddha prayer I had picked up on one of my trips to Hawaii. It was the Prayer of Compassion called the Om Mani Padme Hum. It means this:
Om: Helps you achieve perfection in the practice of generosity. Chanting Om helps us maintain mental and emotional calmness to overcome obstacles in our lives. (My obstacle was the need to have a man in my life. I shouldn’t have to have a man in my life to complete me. They should only be there to add joy.)
Mani: Helps you to perfect the practice of pure ethics, tolerance, and patience. (I really needed to practice patience.) It symbolizes compassion and love. With all intentions to achieve enlightenment.
Padme: Chanting this helps you to achieve perfection in the practice of perseverance and concentration. (I’ve been without concentration. My mind had been muddled with thoughts and worries in the passing days.) Padme means lotus, symbolizing wisdom. A lotus grows in the mud but is not stained by it. Thus, it shows the quality by which we live in the world but are not affected by its impurities.
Hum: Helps you to achieve perfection by wisdom. (I’ve never achieved perfection in anything, but I admit I do try.) It means inseparability and symbolizes purity. You achieve this by combining wisdom with method. (The art of thinking and doing.)
So here I am purifying my mind and heart using the mantra for protection, raveling in the spirit of calmness with my prayer of compassion. Here I am, before the Good Lord and the universe in front of my beautiful painting shining with my speckled colored nakedness and all the glory the painting had possessed. I was open. I was Free. But still, I knew was very vulnerable. I was a work in progress, in light of what all I had learned, I still had a long road ahead of me. And then in light of it all, he knocked on my door.
His knock was soft, I was lightheaded feeling free when I answered not thinking or remembering my body was now naked and covered in every color of paint that I possessed. He was dressed in boots, faded jeans, and a black tight T-shirt that hugged him rather nicely. His smile was warm not mean but he was speechless.
I hesitated in the doorway not sure if I should even bother to greet him. Not a problem, though, he greeted me. He took one step toward me, taking the breath out of me, making my head spin in an exorcism kind of way right before I closed my eyes. The last thing I remember thinking was, “Damn that Brute could kiss!”
Chapter Fourteen
The Five Second Rule
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“Fine. U?”
“Great. Missing u.”
“Umm…who is this?” I wish I didn’t have to ask but I didn’t recall the number. I figured it must have been someone I had passed my number to off one of those dating sites. Was it someone I had a good time with? Nah, there were so few of those. And I kept the names in my phone of those I actually enjoyed meeting. I anxiously waited for his reply. Finally, he responded.
“Josh, Sofie’s friend, remember me?”
Oh yes, Josh. The guy that Sofie had set me up with years ago. The guy that I befriended and he wasn’t set on being in the friend zone but I couldn’t help it, it was where he belonged. The guy that I loved like a brother, spent countless of hours chatting with, that took me alligator watching with wine. Yup, Josh. He’s a guy I would never forget.
One evening Josh showed up at my apartment half blitzed. It was the night of the famous ice storm that shut down Huntsville for a week. As I said he arrived with dinner and a fine bottle of wine, yes out of the blue. He was good like that popping in unannounced. But dinner as I later discovered was an eighteen pound frozen turkey and a bottle of cheap ass wine which he informed me was the best and of course his favorite. He was good like that too.
Now I wasn’t expecting him, hadn’t heard from him in a while. He was MIA since the night he left me on the hood of his truck without saying goodbye. We were once great buddies, comrades, my brother from another mother, but Josh couldn’t do that. He wanted way more than I was willing to give him. Yes, Josh was friend zoned within the first five-seconds of our meeting. How is that possible? Let’s be honest it’s very possible. There are just those guys that are never going to get past the handshake. They are lucky if you allow them to kiss you on the cheek, am I right?
Getting back to that night… It was freezing cold, and bundled up Josh was at my door asking to come in. I said, “Sure.” He was once my buddy after all and it was freezing cold outside. I had no idea he was that blitzed, though. He was grabby, flirtatious, and frisky. He had every intention to make it known to me what his interest was. He was on a mission: to steal my heart. But I wasn’t having it. I was not interested at all even after all the time we spent apart, I still friend zoned him again when I opened my door to him. What was it that caused me to friend zone him so quickly?
Josh was an amazing guy, really. He was a fine man. He had fine attributes that set him apart from most of the men I have met in my life. He has pretty eyes, a nice smile and dimples. Our kids would be adorable. Just saying. But I couldn’t have any so that was not a concern for me. He had a respectable job, a nice size savings account due to the fact he knew how to save money. He had high hopes to retire early and enjoy life. He was hoping I could join him. I was hoping he would find someone else so I’d be off the hook and not feel as guilty for not being as crazy for him as he was for me.
But what exactly would put a guy like Josh in the friend zone? The five second rule; it’s rocket science.
So to make a long story short about my last night I spent with Josh, I will only say, it was fruited by: a marathon of
movie watching; a bubble bath in my tub (but only him, not me); and after he broke into my liquor cabinet and drank all my bourbon, I found him sprawled out on my bed with his naked ass laying across my fresh laundry saying, “Don’t you want some of this? How could you deny All this?” Yes, Josh was a little weenie winner. Bless his heart! It wasn’t entirely all his fault. Maybe they cut too much off when he was circumcised.
His moment of naked yoga, just a moment though, which was his idea to be naked not mine, was a colorful one and one that kept me in stitches with laughter. Yes, I remember that well, especially when he was strongly informed we don’t do yoga naked for many reasons. Images of reasons I can’t get out of my head as I speak. Yes, the night was sweet with little Josh but long. I thought he was never going to leave. I do remember that big ole turkey he brought that never thawed out enough to eat. Oh, we tried; it was burnt on the outside and bloody frozen on the inside. Oh yeah, I remember Josh. I remember everything little about him. Did I say little?
“Hey there…how ya been?” My text sounded more familiar now.
“I’m great. Was just thinking of you the other day. Hope its okay.”
“Sure. I guess.”
“Would u like to meet for a drink?”
“Right now?” I asked. My head still spinning from last night’s fiasco with HUBs, still unsure what to make of his visit. I had many questions I needed answers too about that kiss but was afraid it was bad juju if I asked anything. I was going with the flow. Free spirited new peaceful me: Om Mani Padme Hum.
“Yes.”
I took a quick glance in the bathroom mirror and figured it wouldn’t take much to spruce me back up.
“Okay, sure. Where?” He picked a bar in the neighborhood that I could walk to, and we agreed to meet in thirty minutes. Funny. I was nervous. Why? I don’t know. I hadn’t seen him since the day of that crazy ice storm. And I hadn’t spoken to him either since then. I wondered if he had changed any. I knew I had gained a few extra pounds due to the pregnancies, but I was still curvy where it counted. But other than that, I still looked the same. Not that I really cared, I reminded myself, not like I would ever be interested in Josh romantically.
The Quest Page 20
