She glanced around the spacious kitchen and sighed. She was going to miss being in this house, and her throat tightened. The buzzer on the dryer sounded and she pushed off the stool, heading into the laundry room to finish folding the last load. She pulled out a little pink T-shirt, smoothing the still-warm sleeves, then brought it to her nose, inhaling deeply. A pair of identical faces loomed in her mind. Kate, bright and energetic, slightly tomboyish. And Kim, a little shy, cautious and very much a girl. So alike yet so different. She missed them, remembering them playing dress-up, dancing with her.
The ring of the phone jolted her, and she scrambled for it.
"Hi, Miss Hayley."
"Kate! Hi, honey!"
"How come you always know which one of us it is? Even Grandma doesn't."
Oh, how she wanted to hold this child right now. "Must be a doctor thing."
Kate giggled on the other end.
"What's up?"
"We rode Bullet and Peso today."
"I take it those are horses."
"Yeah." She giggled again.
A click on the phone and Kim's voice burst through. "Miss Hayley, Kate jumped."
Hayley straightened. "You did what!"
"You weren't supposed to tell, Kimmy."
"But you did it, Kate!"
Jumping a horse! Good Lord, Hayley thought. "What did Grandma say?"
"Grandma taught me," Kate said as if she should know.
Hayley groaned. "Does your father know you do this sort of thing?"
"Uh-huh."
"Beg pardon?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, then, that's great. Mercy me, Kate, I'm so proud of you! I can barely sit in the saddle without having to hold on for dear life."
"Oh, Daddy can teach you, Miss Hayley. It's not hard."
Hayley's gaze fell on the stack of bills, the check Katherine had enclosed barely making a dent in her debts. She didn't want to say that she wasn't going to be around to learn and just kept the conversation going. Before she said goodbye, she told them their father was still working and she'd have him call them. When she clicked off, Hayley hugged the phone to her chest, her eyes burning. When she finally put it back on the wall bracket, tears were falling fast down her cheeks. She loved Nash, loved his children, his home, but she didn't think she could do it all—career, home and family. Oh, she knew there were women out there who managed quite well, but Hayley didn't have anything to go by. She hadn't had a stable life since college and before that, it was town to town and school to school, always leaving what few friends she'd made behind. She'd be busy in the next three years and too far away to make it work. Nash and the girls deserved better. They deserved a full-time wife and mother.
Days of loneliness loomed ahead. No sweet smiles in the morning. No strong man making her feel protected and cherished. Being a doctor didn't mean very much without someone to share her nights with, she realized. But she wasn't used to handing her burdens to anyone. It was scary to give yourself into someone else's care, to depend on them for your happiness. She'd done that once and gotten burned so badly she'd never recovered.
Dropping to the stool and bracing her elbows on the counter, she covered her face and tried not to cry, tried not to miss Nash and the twins already. She struggled to remember that she had obligations to St. Anthony's Hospital, and that they were expecting her to take care of the sick and wounded. What good was a doctor who couldn't take care of herself and her own breaking heart? she thought.
Nash stopped in the front hall, catching a glimpse of her through the kitchen to where she sat at the counter. His chest clenched. She was crying. He loved her so much, but the inevitable still hovered like a dark cloud, threatening their happiness. He didn't want to see her so miserable. It hurt him that he might be pushing her without even realizing it. But he couldn't help it. He wanted her, and deep inside he wanted her to put him before her damned career.
Her quiet sobs came to him, driving their torment deeper. He cursed timing and circumstances and her stubbornness that kept them from a future. And he decided that he needed to do something about it and fast. Time was getting away from them.
That night Nash made her forget. He showered her with attention, offering her champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries, feeding her himself and playing games with the dark chocolate and then swimming naked with her in the pool. He made love to her under the midnight stars until she was breathless and begging him to stop. And then he loved her some more. He held her all night, unable to sleep for a secret feeling that if he did, she'd be gone when he awoke.
Hayley walked the long corridor of the barn. "Okay, boss-man. Horses are watered, that ornery stallion is prancing like a king in the paddock, and the chickens are fed. What next?"
"Wanna roll in the hay?" Nash said as she approached him. He tossed a forkful of hay into the stall.
She propped her shoulder on the wall and regarded him. Snug-fitting jeans showed off his trim hips, and that black T-shirt stretching over his muscled chest made her want to strip him naked and play with all that man lying beneath. But since the ranch hands had the day off, they had chores to do first.
She cocked her head and gave him a saucy smile. "You just want to ride something else besides a horse."
He grinned. "Now there's a thought." He bent and kissed her, snaking his arm around her and pulling her flush against him.
"I still have the pigs to feed."
His brow knitted. "Be careful," he warned.
"I'll just toss the grub and run."
He smiled, pecked her cheek, then let her go. "Git, then. I have plans for you later."
"Something I might enjoy?" She stepped toward the entrance.
He looked her over, long and hot. "So far you have."
"Arrogant cuss."
"That's not what you said this morning."
She blushed. She'd awoken this morning from a fantastically erotic dream, aroused and hungry for him, and realized just as he'd pushed his body into hers that it wasn't a dream. "You took the advantage," she said.
"Guilty, darlin' guilty," he replied without remorse. "You lying next to me, all bare and rosy, was too much of a temptation."
Hayley was tempted to strip right then and there and tempt him again, since he looked so on edge. His eyes smoldered and her body pulsed with life. "How much longer?" she found herself asking.
"Another hour maybe."
She glanced at her watch. "Meet me on the veranda for lunch?"
His gaze slid over her. "I ought to be mighty hungry by then."
"I wasn't talking about food."
"Neither was I."
Laughing, she dashed out of the barn and headed to the pig sty. Threatening to make them into pork chops, she fed the beasts, then returned to the house. After a quick dip in the pool to cool off, she showered and slipped into gauzy dark blue slacks and a loose blouse. She looked forward to spending the day with him, and after running a load of laundry, she prepared lunch and waited.
And waited.
Frowning at the time, she walked through the house, calling to him, and getting no answer, she left the house. Halfway to the barn, she heard a strange howl. She ran to the breeding barn, her bare feet slapping on the concrete floor.
She found him in a sanitized-looking stall with a mare. The animal's belly was full and moving, and Hayley realized, she was about to give birth. The fourth one since she'd arrived.
"Okay," she said. "I forgive you for being late. Want me to call the vet?"
He didn't glance up. "Already did. She's on her way, but there's no time." He looked up at her. "I need your help, honey."
She blinked at him, then the horse. "You're kidding, right?"
He shook his head. "Come on, baby, you're a doc. You can do this."
She stepped into the stall, grabbing a heavy vinyl apron to cover her clothes. "Tell me what to do."
"My hands are too big and she needs help."
Hayley nodded and knelt to examine the horse. "A
hoof is caught and it's going to tear the uterus."
"That's what I was afraid of. Damn. I'd hate to lose this one."
It was a half-million-dollar horse, Hayley knew, and for a second she wondered if Nash cared about the expense or the animal. Then she saw him stroke the mare, whisper to her in soft cooing tones and she knew better.
"Let me see if I can…" She rolled back her sleeves and shoved her arm up the birth canal. A few tense seconds passed before she latched onto the hoof and followed the line of it. Her lips pinched in concentration, she adjusted the foal as best she could.
In the distance came the sound of a car and then a door slamming.
"Mr. Rayburn," a female voice called seconds later.
Nash hailed the vet, and Hayley was just pulling her arm free when she stepped into the stall. The vet knelt and Nash introduced Dr. Janna McLean to Hayley as she checked the animal.
Hayley went to the sink and washed up as the vet took over.
"Okay, Belle," the vet said to the horse. "You're doing fine. The rest is up to you." She palpated the horse's stomach, glancing between the pair, her gaze ending on Hayley. "Nice to meet you. You're the talk of the town, you know."
Hayley frowned as Janna checked the animal's breathing. "No, I didn't. How so?"
The vet laughed, but kept her gaze on her work.
"Every woman in two counties has been doing her best to get Nash's attention for years."
"I had his attention years ago," Hayley said with a glance at Nash. "So I guess I had an advantage."
"That and the fact that I've always loved her," Nash said.
Hayley's breath caught. Saying it to her was one thing; saying it aloud to a stranger was quite another. A lump swelled in her throat.
Janna looked up, her gaze again shifting between the two. "And you're not shy about it, either, I see."
"No, ma'am." He leaned toward Hayley, cupped her jaw and kissed her.
"Oh, Nash," she said on a soft moan.
Janna sent them a disgusted look. "Why don't you two get out of here? Belle and I are fine. My assistant should be here any second, and frankly, you two are no help."
Nash looked skeptically between her and one of his prize broodmares.
"I swear. A Scotswoman's honor," Janna said, grinning.
Hayley walked to the entrance. On his knees near the horse, Nash hesitated. Janna gave him a shove. "Go," she said in a low voice. "From what I hear, she's leaving soon, so go."
Did everyone know their business? he wondered as he stood and followed Hayley. She hadn't made it out of the barn yet when Nash swept his arm around her waist and walked with her toward the house. Behind them, Janna's assistant sped up the drive.
"Lunch is probably spoiled."
He frowned at her, then tipped her head back to look her in the eye.
"Out with it."
She sighed and laid her head on the crook of his shoulder. "Nothing, really. I miss the girls, I guess."
Liar, he thought, and knew what she was thinking. Leaving. The thought speared his chest painfully and he gripped her a little more tightly. As they walked through the front doors, he led her into the formal dining room. She was still looking down and he nudged her. She looked at him, and the sadness in her eyes made him bleed inside. He nodded toward the table.
Hayley's breath caught. On the center of the table wrapped with a big blue ribbon was a black medical bag. She stepped away from him and reached for the card.
I knew you could do it, it said.
Her eyes filled with tears. "Thank you, darlin', but I thought you resented my career."
His brows shot up in surprise. "Heck no, honey. I grew up. You don't resent mine, do you?"
"No."
He stepped close and slid his arms around her waist. "I'm so proud of you. Not many people have your determination."
"You mean stubbornness."
"That too," he said with a smile.
His finger traced her temple. "I love you, Hayley. I want a future with you. God, you have to know that by now."
"I guess I do." Her gaze searched his. "It's just too much right now, and it's not fair to you or the girls."
"Are you refusing to even consider it?"
"No, no," she cried softly. "But I'm talking three years."
"It's been seven and my feelings for you haven't changed. They've only grown stronger." His gaze darkened with frustration and disappointment. "I thought it was the same for you, but I guess I was wrong."
"No, you weren't," she was quick to say.
He couldn't hide the anger in his voice when he said, "Then maybe you're just too damn scared to let me in and really share a life with you." Nash reached for the medical bag. "I know what I want, Hayley."
He spun the bag around and walked away.
When he closed his office door behind him, Hayley dragged her gaze to the medical bag. There was a brass nameplate that read Hayley Albright Rayburn, MD.
* * *
Twelve
« ^ »
Nash stirred and reached for her, but he found the space beside him cold and empty. He sat up, rubbing his hand over his hair and looking around. Hayley wasn't here. He knew things weren't solved between them, especially after she'd stayed away from him most of the night, but when she slipped into his bed and made love with him, he thought at least they still had a chance to smooth the edges.
Throwing back the covers, he dressed and headed for the door, flinging it open. His heart slammed to his stomach when he saw the suitcase in the foyer.
He called to her. No response, so he went to her room, then the kitchen. He found her sitting at the table, staring into her coffee cup.
"What the hell is that?" He flung his hand in the direction of the suitcase.
"I got a call this morning. I'm needed at St. Anthony's this week. Tomorrow, in fact."
"You were going to leave without saying goodbye?"
"No."
"Bull."
Her gaze jerked up. "Please don't make this harder, Nash."
"Dammit, Hayley, I will make it harder. You're leaving me."
Her heart cracked, a piece falling away as each moment passed. She tried to sip her coffee and found she couldn't swallow, so she set it aside.
She stood. "See this?" She shoved the envelope she'd received yesterday across the table. "I'm obligated. I wagered my future as a doctor, my salary, and now it's time to pay the bills."
"I could take care of that in a heartbeat."
"I don't want you to. It's not your career, it's mine!"
"That's what sharing a life is all about. We give what the other needs."
"Well, I wouldn't know about sharing, Nash, since I've been alone most of my life."
"We can change that."
"Not now, we can't! I signed a contract. I have to go!" Her lip trembled and tears spilled. "Please don't fight me on this."
"I love you."
"I love you, too, but it's not enough and you deserve better."
"Are you telling me to go find someone else who will stay in the kitchen? For pity's sake, Hayley, do you really think that's how I see a wife?" He plowed his fingers through his hair. "You're not giving us a chance."
She shook her head, backing away. "Don't say it. Please don't. You know I can't think that far ahead and it's mean." An invisible fist squeezed her heart. The other night at the ball he'd revealed his true feelings, and the declaration of "all or nothing" told her how little she could give and how much he wanted. Being here a moment longer, she'd weaken and later regret it. She had just as much at risk. And her look told him a proposal did not fix anything between them.
He was staring at the bills when he heard her heavy shuddering sigh. He glanced up, but her face was turned away. Her fingers worried the edge of the counter.
Suddenly she moved to the sink, pouring out her coffee and rinsing the cup. She stilled before she put it in the dishwasher. How could such a simple act make her hurt so much? she thought.
H
e crossed the room and caught her arm. "Baby, don't close me out."
She made a sound, weary and hopeless, but refused to look at him. "I have to. You're the one making demands you know I can't meet."
"That's because I want you to stay. I want you in my life."
She turned on him, her anger rising with the heat in her voice. "You want." More tears shimmered in her eyes. "Well, you got what you wanted years ago. You made your choice and I wasn't it. You thought of yourself and duty, and never once thought of me, Nash."
"That's not true." He pushed his fingers through his hair. "God, Hayley, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you."
"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? 'Cause I don't." She looked away, swallowing. When she spoke again, her voice was strained. "What about what I need now, Nash?" She faced him. "I'm in your life, in your house, your bed… I love you, I love your children. How much deeper can I get?"
"As deep as I can get you."
Her expression turned bitter. "That's a lie. You won't let me."
He looked confused. "I'm trying to be realistic and you keep throwing up barriers. All or nothing, you said at the ball. Well, right now, I can't give you that. So where does that leave us?"
She sniffled, and when he took a step toward her, she backed away. "No, don't touch me." If he did, she'd melt into his arms and forget her anger. She wanted it right now. Needed it. "You know, it's just like it was years ago. Your way or the highway."
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