by Darla Baker
“But—”
“Let me finish. I was there when Diane broke your heart. I get it. And I didn’t blame you for hesitating to get back into another relationship. But it’s been five years! I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was when you told me about Amara. I thought you were finally ready to move on. And now… this… I think you intentionally sabotaged this relationship before you could get hurt.”
Thalia huffs. “Tell me what you really think.”
“I believe I just did.”
“Yeah, I do, too. Just take care of my schedule and call Sammy. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Thalia hangs up the phone and scoots back down in the bed. The dogs know something’s up. Sassy has her head on one thigh, Grace the other. “You girls sure do know how to give your mommy love when she needs it.” Thalia pats their heads to feel the comfort only her dogs can provide.
“What has mommy done, girls? Is Auntie René right? Have I intentionally sabotaged my relationship with Amara to avoid pain? If so, I’ve failed miserably, because I’m most definitely hurting.”
Sassy and Grace each let out a deep sigh of contentment and snuggle in closer. “I’m right there with you. Let’s live a dog’s life today.”
Thalia closes her eyes and escapes into a deep sleep.
THALIA IS STARTLED awake. The dogs are barking and stomping on her legs rushing to the door. It takes a moment to register that someone is knocking. She throws on some clothes and heads down the stairs.
“Thalia? Hey, are you in there? It’s Sammy.”
Thalia opens the door and shoves the dogs past Sammy. “What are you doing here? Didn’t René call you?”
“Yes, she did, and that’s why I’m here.” Sammy grabs Thalia by the hand and drags her inside where they plop down together onto the sofa. Sassy and Grace take up quiet residence on the floor at their feet.
“I’m here to deliver a message on behalf of your friends and family. Pee or get off the pot and stop cutting off your nose to spite your face.”
“I suppose you’re also going to tell me there are plenty of other fish in the sea?”
“We hadn’t thought of that one. But missing work did smell fishy, and that’s why I’m here.”
Thalia finally laughs. “Enough! I get the point.”
Sammy lays her head on Thalia’s shoulder. “All kidding aside, how do we fix this?”
“I don’t know. I wish I did. I can’t concentrate. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I know I’m being ridiculous. But I can’t seem to snap out of it. I’m such a lesbian cliché. Who knew?”
“Do you want to get back with Amara or do you want to get over her?”
“I want her back. But I can’t deal with the threat of parenthood hanging over my head.”
“Weird how we’re both dealing with a similar issue, huh?”
“It is. Although for very different reasons. Are you making any progress?”
“I am. I’m taking it slow with Gina. I’ve told her about Dr. Masters, but I haven’t gone into any detail yet. I explained that I have some stuff to work out, and I don’t want to screw this up with her.”
Thalia loops her arm through Sammy’s and snuggles in closer. “Catch me up.”
“I’m sure you’ve guessed. I’m still dealing with guilt. I truly thought I let go of it years ago. But I’m holding onto a lot of guilt over not telling the father of the baby.”
“Really? That surprises me. I think the outcome might have been different if you had. Is that what the guilt is about?”
“Yeah, that’s part of it. I know if I’d told him, in some way, I would have been including him in the decision. It was risky. What if he had told his parents? What if my parents had found out? I took the easy way out—”
Thalia interrupted, “I wouldn’t call what you went through ‘easy.’”
“No, it wasn’t. I traded one problem for another. And, of course, there’s no going back and changing it now.”
“True. But that doesn’t make it any easier. How does it play out in your head if you had told him?”
“Good question. I guess he would have supported me in my decision. He would have paid for the procedure and held my hand through the recovery. He would have kept our secret and quietly exited my life.”
“Do you think he would have agreed?”
“No. I’m almost certain he wouldn’t have.”
“And that’s the source of the guilt.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes.” Sammy pats Thalia on the leg. “I’m not here to go on about my problems. I’m here to drag you, kicking and screaming if necessary, out of your funk and to the bar.” Sammy untangles herself from Thalia and rises off the sofa, careful to miss stomping on the dogs. “So get in there and take a shower and let’s get going.”
“Sammy, I don’t think I—”
She gives Thalia a playful shove in the direction of the bathroom. “I don’t want to hear it. Go!”
SAMMY AND THALIA arrive at the bar a little after seven-thirty. Despite her earlier objections, she’s happy to be out of the house.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in!” Janice shouts from half way across the room.
“Do you have to sound so cheerful?”
“If you had stuck to the program like me, you wouldn’t be in this mess now.”
Thalia motions to the waitress for a lemon drop martini. “I know. I’m hopeless. Where’s Annie?”
Sammy replies, “She won’t make it tonight. She has a late patient appointment and has a couple of deliveries tomorrow. She wants to go home and get some rest.”
“She’s been extending her office hours lately. I hope I don’t get that busy.”
“We didn’t send Sammy to kidnap you just to sit here and chit-chat. Let’s solve this problem of yours. What exactly is your problem?”
“I don’t want to have children.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Amara has agreed to carry a baby for her brother and his husband.”
“And?”
“And I’m afraid once she carries a baby, she’ll want to have a child of her own.”
“And? I’m sorry. I’m still not getting it.”
“I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t have children.”
Sammy asks, “Does she want children?”
“She says she doesn’t, but she admits that could change once she’s pregnant and gives the baby away.”
Janice huffs. “I think I’m caught up now. You see a future with Amara. But it doesn’t include children. Her future includes a child that will become her niece or nephew. And that might lead to a child of her own, right?”
“Right.” Sammy and Thalia say in unison.
“You’re crazy, Pro. Forget all this talk about will she or won’t she want children. Trust me when I say this, there is no way anyone would ever get me to have children. I was born without the maternal gene. But you? You’d make a great mom. What’s the big deal?”
“I’ve just seen parenthood go so wrong too many times in my life. And there’s no way to prevent so much of the suffering. I know I’m a therapist, and it will sound weird coming from me, but genetics play a huge role in the outcome, both for the parent and the child. I just don’t want to expose a child or myself to the risk. The odds aren’t good.”
Sammy chimes in, “You adopted pit bulls.”
“That’s hardly the same.”
“Here me out. There are a lot of people who believe pit bulls are genetically incapable of being loving family pets. They argue that pit bulls have been bred to be aggressive, and no amount of love or training can change their inherent nature to kill.”
“That’s ridiculous on so many levels. Sassy and Grace are wonderful dogs. There is nothing aggressive about them, and there never was.”
“Yes, it is ridiculous. But it’s a widely held opinion. In fact, it’s so popular that entire countries, as well as states and cities, have banned them. When they’re found, they are euthaniz
ed without any assessment. And let’s set aside the genetic argument for a moment. Unless you’re fairly old yourself, when you adopt a dog, you know the odds are you’ll outlive them. You know it will break your heart when you lose them. And yet, you willingly accept the future heartbreak to provide a loving home for your dogs. Children may be more likely to outlive you, but you know as well as I do that they’re guaranteed to break your heart several times over throughout your life.”
“I fail to see how this is an argument for having children.” Thalia gives Sammy a sideways grin.
“My point is, when we let love in, we know, without any doubt, we will get hurt. Lovers, dogs, children, it doesn’t matter. Love hurts. But there is also nothing in this world more filled with joy than love.”
“You almost convinced me love is worth it,” Janice says without much conviction in her voice.
“Okay, I get your point. Let’s talk about something else. Tell us about Gina.”
“What would you like to know?” Sammy says, her voice shaking just a little.
“Have you had sex?” Janice asks.
“No. We’re taking it slow.”
“It’s been a month, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So, I just can’t imagine waiting that long.”
Thalia interjects, “Don’t listen to her. You take as long as you need. How many times have you been out? Where have you gone? Have you been to her house? Details, we want details.”
“We’ve been on four dates.” Sammy holds up her hand as she counts off the dates. “She showed me around her service dog training facility, and we went out to dinner on our first date. She cooked for me at her house on our second date and we watched movies till we fell asleep. The third date—”
“No offense, Sammy. It sounds like you’re giving a play-by-play for a sporting event. Can you spice it up a bit?”
Sammy rolls her eyes at Janice. “She is so sweet and gentle and simply wonderful with her dogs. I watched her interact with a young boy, about ten, who’s been blind since birth. She has such a gentle way about her when she’s working with the dogs and the people they will serve. She’s so patient.”
“Sounds hot.” Janice smirks.
Sammy smacks her hand. “Stop it. Not everything is about sex.”
“It should be.”
“Well, not for me. But since you mentioned it, she also happens to have incredible eyes that turn midnight blue when we’re kissing. And her arms… don’t get me started. When she holds me in her strong arms, I just melt into a puddle on the floor. She has a tongue piercing.” Sammy giggles.
Janice sits up in her seat and leans toward Sammy. “Now it’s getting interesting. Please, continue.”
“You’re shameless. I’ve never kissed a woman with a tongue piercing. It’s… interesting.”
“Oh, honey. You’ve not lived till you feel that tongue piercing on your clit. I can’t believe you’re able to wait.”
The blush takes over Sammy’s face with a vengeance. “You’re embarrassing me. I hadn’t even thought about that. Well, maybe a little. I love the unique sensation when we kiss. She’s very skilled with her tongue.”
“See? See? What are you waiting for?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right about that. Pro, talk some sense into her.”
“I’m the wrong person to be giving girlfriend advice right now. In fact, I think I’m ready to go home. Thanks for dragging me out. I needed this. And Sammy, thanks for the perspective. I really will think about what you said.”
Janice and Sammy stand up to hug Thalia. She throws a ten onto the table and heads out of the bar, her mind heavy with Sammy’s words.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
THALIA ARRIVES AT the office and finds René already hard at work. The past six weeks have been rough on Thalia and by consequence, on René and her friends, as well. She’s not exactly been her usual friendly and social self.
René looks up at Thalia as she enters. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry. I just mean… well… you look like shit. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”
“I haven’t. I’m still getting in my kayaking. But it’s not providing the peace it usually does.”
“I know I ask this almost every day, but have you talked to Amara?”
“Same answer, different day. I don’t know what to say to her.”
René groans and flashes Thalia a smirk that clearly conveys her displeasure with her sister. “What about, I love you and I can’t live without you. I support you fully in your desire to be a surrogate mother.”
“That would be wonderful if that’s how I felt.”
“It’s been six weeks. How can you still be trying to figure this out?”
“I don’t know. Look, sis, I don’t want to talk about it right now. Robin and Charley are due here shortly, and I’d like to catch up on email and try to get myself in the right mindset for their appointment. They’re making real progress. I owe it to them to give them my best.”
“I don’t mean to state the obvious, but you owe the very best to yourself, as well.”
Thalia just gives René a half-hearted smile, walks into her office and closes the door.
When Thalia sits down to check her email, her phone buzzes indicating a text has come in. She looks at her phone and sees it’s from Amara.
Thalia, dear, I know we haven’t spoken in weeks, and I know that’s as much my fault as yours. But I need to speak with you as soon as possible. Please call me.
Thalia checks the time. She only has about fifteen minutes before her appointment with Robin and Charley, and she doesn’t want to get into a distracting conversation with Amara beforehand. It’s been hard enough these past weeks to focus on her clients when her own heart is breaking.
While Thalia is reading her email, René sends her a message that Robin and Charley have arrived. She sends a text back to Amara. I’m getting ready to go into a session. I’ll call you as soon as the session is over. I miss you. Thalia pauses for a moment and stares at the reply contemplating if she should delete that last sentence. She decides to leave it, and presses send. Too late to take it back now.
That one little sentence has left Thalia feeling as if a weight has lifted from her shoulders. For the first time in six weeks, hope is clearing out the heavy sorrow she’s been carrying.
She heads for the door to invite Robin and Charley in for their appointment.
They take their place on the sofa and Thalia sits down in her chair. “It’s good to see you again. Tell me, what’s been going on since our last appointment?”
Charley begins. “My dad passed away last Friday. The funeral was on Tuesday.”
Thalia reaches for her box of tissues and hands it to Charley just in time to catch the tears. “I’m so sorry, Charley. That explains why you weren’t at group on Monday. How are you and your mom holding up?”
“We were prepared for this, as much as anyone can ever be, I suppose. But it doesn’t lessen the pain of loss. I know my father had his faults. But he was still my father, and I loved him dearly.”
“Of course, you did. None of us are without faults.” Thalia turns her attention to Robin. “How are you doing?”
Robin looks away toward the door. “I’m okay. The last few months of his life, he did everything in his power to destroy our relationship. I’m angry. And I don’t want the anger to destroy the progress Charley and I have made.”
“I don’t want that eith—”
René knocks on the door and enters the office. “Thalia, I’m sorry to interrupt. Annie is on the phone. She says it’s urgent.”
Thalia stands up, her heart suddenly beating like a kettledrum. She works to steady her legs and her voice. “My apologies for the interruption. I’ll just be a moment.”
Thalia walks out of her office and picks up the phone on René’s desk.
“What? I’m sorry, what did you s
ay about Amara?”
The color drains from Thalia’s face. Her hands are shaking as she drops the phone, missing the hook entirely.
“What is it?”
“It’s Amara. I have to go to the hospital. Take care of Robin and Charley, and I’ll call you as soon as I have more information.”
“Yes, I’ve got things covered here. Go. And call me as soon as you know anything.”
“OH, THANK GOODNESS I reached you. I’m in the hospital emergency room, and you need to get over here right away. There’s been an accident. A motorcycle accident. Amara is hurt.”
“What? I’m sorry, what did you say about Amara?”
“Sweetie, she’s been in a motorcycle accident. You need to get here right away. But be careful. We don’t want to be dealing with another accident.”
Thalia drops the phone, says something hopefully intelligible to René, grabs her keys and runs out the door. Her heart is pounding. She had just received and responded to a text from Amara. How can something like this happen so quickly? I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her. How could I have been so goddamned stupid!
Thalia arrives at the hospital and screeches into a parking spot. She runs into the emergency room yelling for Annie, making a scene. A security guard comes over to handle her outburst. Just as he’s preparing to lead her outside, Annie arrives and lets him know she’ll take over.
“Thalia, honey, calm down. You aren’t going to do Amara any good if you get thrown out of here.”
“How is she? Tell me what happened.”
Annie grabs Thalia’s arm and starts to pull her toward the double doors leading back to the ER. Thalia shrugs her off. “Stop stalling and tell me!”
“I will tell you everything, but you need to come with me first and get out of the lobby.”
Thalia and Annie walk back to the ER and into a waiting room, and Thalia takes a seat where Annie has motioned. “Tell me.”
“Amara was traveling on her motorcycle down State Route Twenty-Seven on her way to the farm. She went through the intersection at State Route Eighty, and someone ran the red light and hit her back tire. She was wearing a helmet, thank God. Jason is in with her now. She looked pretty banged up when she arrived, but she was alive. We’ll know more shortly.”
