And I did love her. Remarkably, even to me, I was still hoping we could work things out.
CHAPTER TEN
The Reconciliation
February – August, 2008
After almost a year of trying to convince myself that I had finally found the woman I’d always been looking for, I was once again confronted with the only real companion I’d ever known: loneliness. That proverbial gray cloud had returned and followed me everywhere, without regard to the eternal Florida sun that seemed to shine on everyone else. I was constantly in a state of agitation, and everything around me seemed to reflect my internal conflict. The sun mocked me as I sweated away the days, the ubiquitous insects sought me out and harassed me with their incessant buzz, and even the postcard palm trees seemed to droop from the heavy humidity, joining me in a constant mope.
The months following my separation from Audrey were an exercise in grief. I spent the immediate weeks after the meeting with my lawyer pretending that I was just retaining him until Audrey and I worked things out. I continued to call Audrey and leave her messages just so she’d know I was still willing to communicate. After all I had done to make our relationship work, Audrey had done nothing other than accept my proposal and go through the motions of being a wife. She never initiated any of our intimate moments, and even during our lovemaking, she never looked at me, which made me feel more like I was being serviced than a real husband and step-father to her kids. Audrey never showed any concern or interest in my life, and there was only one “I love you,” which was said after I proposed. I finally settled into depression, and then confusion. Did I marry a con artist? Did I imagine the whole thing? Was it all a case of miscommunication?
On June 17th, I wrote her an email that read:
WHY did you become obsessed with greed, control, and “ownership” above everything else?
WHY did you not want to create an emotionally close and intimate relationship with me? All I ever wanted was to have that kind of relationship with you, and you never communicated with me except concerning the most superficial things. You claimed to want that "best friend" and close relationship, but you never actually cultivated it.
WHY? Was it because you are so emotionally shallow that it is just beyond you? Or has your poor relationship with your father made you fearful or incapable of a deep relationship with any man? Or could it be that you just married me for my money, and just didn't care about having a relationship with me? You know, if the third one is indeed the truth, which unfortunately it appears to be, you are setting yourself up for a pretty bad future.
WHY did you make your demands at the time you did? Was it because you knew that the part-time marriage was about to go full-time, and you were afraid of that? So you brought up things, then refused to compromise, in order to destroy the marriage before it actually had the chance to become an actual, full-time marriage.
WHY did you abandon Johnny, just when he needs you the most? Greed and ownership became much more important to you than helping to raise, and giving love, to him. What "bad karma" you have created for yourself for your future.
WHY are you doing this to me? What did I do to you, what did I want from you except love? Did I ever make any financial demands from you? Did I ask to have immediate ownership in any of your future assets, which, we both know, are considerable? No, because I married you for love, not money.
I was compelled to tell Audrey everything I was feeling, to share with her the questions I’d been asking myself, over and over. Though I expected nothing in response, an email came a few hours later, beginning our virtual confrontation:
Dear Paul,
You ask "why?" over & over
The answer can only come from you!
You are the one who locked your family out causing us to be homeless & penniless... if my memory serves me right. I have & will ALWAYS love Johnny as my own & would NEVER have abandoned him... he is my blood as far as I'm concerned... we need him as much as he needs us... but you fixed that without our input or approval... didn't you? So, as you can see, the answer is within you & only you as to WHY?
Though the fact that Audrey even bothered to respond was a shock, even more shocking was her attack. My response was immediate and emotional:
I am asking for answers, and all you can do is blame me. You are perfect, everything you do is perfect, etc. I am asking you to examine yourself, your feelings, your actions, your motives behind your actions, to read my words, and consider them.
As far as I was concerned, she had not explained anything and I wasn't about to let her place the blame on me. It was her turn and, within minutes, she responded:
We can dwell as deep as you wish after you explain your actions... locking us out, leaving us penniless... etc, etc.
Refusing to let her have the last word, I again confronted her for using me, for misrepresenting herself, and for her ulterior motives:
My actions were a direct result of your words. Your words, your demands four months into a part-time marriage, made me believe, would make anyone believe, that I had been set up, that you had married me solely for my assets. If you never were in love with me, just tell me so at least I’ll know. If you married me just for my financial support for you and the kids, just tell me. If you did love me, but then stopped loving me, when did it start, in December? And what did I do to cause it, because by January when we made our trip, when you told me sex was abnormal, surely by then you were not in love with me. Wives who are in love with their husbands do not say that to them.
I was pounding my keyboard as I typed, wanting to unleash every bit of pain and frustration on her through my words. I soundly hit the “send” button and abruptly stood up, forcing my chair to tumble backward to the floor. I was completely unhinged and began to pace my office, imagining what her next message would say and how I would counter it. The minutes ticked by, however, with no response. In fact, she made no reply for two days. By then, my anger had subsided and my rational thoughts had returned. I received the following email from Audrey around noon:
Your sex demands are abnormal... we spoke of that... you are desperately in need of help since you continue to think the way you do... I never wanted all this... you made all this happen when you chose to take the action that your wonderful attorney told you to do... rather than talking like husband & wife, seeking help together like husband & wife... but, no... you acted like insane people do... you made all this happen when you "forced" us out of yours & Johnny's life. I never told you that I didn't love you or Johnny... as a matter of fact, I always told you just the opposite... I ALWAYS told you that I loved you guys & would only marry you if it was FOREVER. I never did & never do want to get a divorce. I never would have considered marrying you if it wasn't to be forever. Why would I ever put all those kids through a marriage to be followed by a divorce... makes no sense. Nothing you say makes any sense.
A~
I read her message three times, and each time I felt something in me soften. I was kneading my hands and read her words over and over again. The repetition of “husband and wife” was heart wrenching, and I grappled with the possibility that I had gotten the whole thing wrong. I had to write back, but this time I would choose my words carefully:
You want to go to a marriage counselor? I was under the impression that it was to be arranged four months ago, but you never did set it up. Your words are interesting, and have given me pause to think. To begin, I will respond thus:
1) I do not remember too many "I love you's" from you.
2) Prove that what you have written about LOVE, and FOREVER, is from your heart.
Set up counseling ASAP, but only if you are willing to come to it and TALK, LISTEN, and COMPROMISE.
I reread my email, making sure it remained firm while still showing my openness to her point of view. Whatever her reaction, she wrote to me the next day with the simple instructions to set up the counseling as soon as possible. So, as I had done with divorce lawyers months before, I went through the yellow
pages, spoke with a few marriage counselors, found one I liked, and I set up an appointment for June 30th with Dr. Susan Tanner. I emailed Audrey with the appointment information, and I sat back and allowed myself to let hope back in.
As I pulled up to Dr. Tanner’s office, located in a small building off Northlake Blvd., I saw Audrey waiting by the entrance. Was she waiting for me? I hadn’t imagined that possibility, but when I got out of my car, she turned to face me, and her face was expressionless and worn.
“Hello, Paul,” she said plainly. I walked toward her feeling like someone who had just run into an old lover. The reunion was awkward and I debated how I should greet her, but then I guess I should have anticipated this. I hadn’t seen her in months.
“Hello,” was all I came up with and made a grab for the front door. There was no embrace, there was no kiss hello, but there was also no exchange of profanities or insults and so, I guess you could say we were at a cease fire. We walked to Dr. Tanner’s office in complete silence, not knowing what the next hours would bring.
Dr. Tanner was a middle aged woman with a quiet manner and a warm smile. She seemed like a young grandmother, and I wondered how someone who seemed so amiable could stand to listen to the inevitable insults passed between caustic couples. We entered her large, uncluttered office, and she gestured for us to have a seat. We both settled into roomy, comfortable chairs on opposite sides of the room. In a state of neutrality, Dr. Tanner opted for a centrally located seat, and the three of us sat in silence, waiting to see who’d toss the first grenade. I had come to counseling willing to work, but I was also prepared for a battle. Dr. Tanner was the first to break the silence.
“This is how I see it,” she began. “We’ll spend two hours today, all of us, so I can get a feel for your situation. Next week, I'll meet with Paul alone, and the week after with Audrey alone. Then, we’ll come together and see where we are,” she explained, smiling at both of us.
“Sounds good to me,” I responded, always appreciative of a person with a plan.
“I’m fine with that,” Audrey agreed, never letting her glance stray in my direction.
“Okay, fine,” she continued, “who wants to go first? What brings you to me?”
“I’ll go first,” I said confidently, welcoming the opportunity to finally get some real communication going after five long months. “Doctor, it all started in February when, after three months of a part-time marriage, Audrey demanded that I put her name on my houses and my business in order to continue the marriage… ”
“Well, he treated me like a stranger,” Audrey interrupted, “not his equal wife. He threw us out of the house. His sex drive is abnormal. He wanted sex all the time. He didn't want a wife, he wanted a sex slave. Once a week should be enough for anybody. He's crazy!”
And that began the two hour, rather heated conversation that would not only get everything out on the table, but do so without the need for a keyboard. For her part, Dr. Tanner took notes and nodded her head a lot. At the end of the session, she thanked us both for coming and we left in the same silence we arrived. Getting into my car, I turned the key in my ignition and watched Audrey speed off through my rearview mirror. I wondered where she might be going or to whom.
I returned to the office alone the next week and spent most of the hour retelling a lot of the same things I’d discussed in our initial meeting. Again, Dr. Tanner took copious notes and I wondered if she got a discount on legal pads. At the end of this session, Dr. Tanner, who had really only spoken to ask a few leading questions, closed our time with this: “Paul, do you think you and Audrey should be together?”
The question was simple enough. It was not asking what we wanted or what we thought could happen, it simply addressed if I thought we should be together, and I didn’t even pretend to have an answer for her.
“I don't know,” I said. “I never really thought of anything other than us being together from the day I proposed.”
However, I spent the next two weeks thinking about her question and, when we reconvened in her office, I still wasn’t entirely sure.
Once again, Audrey was waiting at the entrance for me, only this time she looked a little fresher, and a little more relaxed. We didn’t exchange words, but Audrey did nod in my direction and I once again opened the door for her. Upon entering Dr. Tanner’s office, we both seemed less tense, and we sat closer together this time, on opposite sides of the same couch rather than on separate couches, like we had for the first session. It seemed like the air had cleared a bit.
Again, Dr. Tanner began. “Paul, in my session with Audrey last week, she agreed to waive her demands that her name be on your houses and business. We've discussed this at length, and she now realizes that over time, the result will be that everything will be equal, so it's not important right now.”
“And the one time a week limitation on lovemaking? Has that been waived too?” I asked, calmly.
“Yes, Paul, it has.” I sat back in my chair feeling as if I had just won something. She waived it? It’s that easy? I felt myself fighting a smile.
“That’s great, Doctor. That's what I was hoping to hear, that Audrey actually wants a normal, intimate, long-term marriage with me,” I said, and with a quick pat on my knees I made a motion to stand up.
“So now that Audrey has waved her demands, you both have to make a decision,” Dr. Tanner said, stopping my movement. “Do you want to get back together? If so, it should be done right away, and all lawyers should be immediately fired. It would be your new beginning.”
“I have no problem firing my lawyer,” I said, turning to face Audrey.
“Same here,” Audrey said, still looking at Dr. Tanner. “And also, to recap, it’s agreed that Paul will give me $600 a week for maintenance of the family home, as well as for my Florida Health insurance and my student loan. Since my first husband stopped making payments for me and the kids, the insurance company is going to cancel our policies. And as far as my student loan goes, they’re calling me every day. I need $6,300 for the health insurance and $13,640 for my student loan right away.” Audrey spoke as if she was negotiating a contract, and she still hadn’t looked at me. It was clear there would be fees for services rendered, and there was no talk of love. Not wanting to diminish the little progress we had finally made, I turned to Audrey.
“I’ll see what I can do about that, just get me the documents and the balances due, and I’ll take a look at it, honey.” I spoke softly, tenderly, wanting to show her I was done arguing. She finally looked at me and nodded. Dr. Tanner wished us well and encouraged us to keep an open dialogue when future problems arose because, she said knowingly, they always do. Nodding in unison, I took Audrey’s hand in mine and we walked out of the office together.
“See, I told you, honey,” I said, leading her to her car. “This was all a big misunderstanding. We just need to keep communicating.”
With that, Audrey turned to face me, smiled in a way I’d never seen, and said:
You know, I really do love you.” And with that she put her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder. We stood there, a couple who decided to make it work. I didn't want to let Audrey go, because I was savoring the moment. I was afraid if I did, the moment would shatter, never to come again. But I reluctantly did, and told her I would see her later. Then, we both drove off in our cars.
That evening, Audrey moved back into my Jupiter Lakes home and I was convinced that, with a new commitment to communication and a greater understanding of one another, we had a real shot of finding the true happiness that seemed to elude us.
My painting business, however, was not enjoying the same upswing. We hadn’t gotten any new jobs in months and, without new contracts or new work for the painters, the business was at risk of folding. Daniel had given builders lots of quotes in the prior months, but they were not getting accepted. My concern growing, I began following up with builders myself and they told me that the problem wasn’t with the quotes; it was with the dramatic slo
wdown in new construction. As a general rule, a builder would sign the contracts with plumbers, electricians, tile people, and painters only after the pre-sale of a house. Since our existing jobs only had a few months until completion, I was faced with some very harsh possibilities. My worries, however, would have to wait, at least for tonight.
As I had done on our wedding, night, I prepared the bedroom with candles and flowers, and also made a point of turning off my computer, the instrument of our electronic arguments. Putting the finishing touches on the bed, I heard the doorbell ring, and I rushed down the stairs to answer it. Our new dog, Queenie, was already at the door, awaiting the entrance of a guest. When I opened it to reveal Audrey, I thought I heard a faint growl from Queenie. I invited her in, and we struggled to overcome the awkwardness over dinner. Our conversation centered on the kids, and work, anything other than our recent problems. Even later, while we prepared for bed, there was still a degree of distance that found us on opposite sides of the room. Wanting to reclaim something like normalcy, I crossed over to her.
Audrey’s long, brown spirals of hair fell about her shoulders and covered one side of her face. She was dressed in a simple pale blue nightgown, the same color she wore on our wedding day. I told myself that she had chosen it on purpose, despite the fact that I knew she would never think of something like that. Sentimentality was never one of her strong points. Reaching out my hand to touch her arm, a nervous flutter trembled over me. This was the first time I was going to be with Audrey, or any woman for that matter, in over six months. Naturally, I assumed the same would be true for her. I shook off my uneasiness, and drew her into me.
Duplicity - A True Story of Crime and Deceit Page 11
