Apparently he was pleased with it, or so Ash said, but it was always difficult to tell with Dad.
You always want his approval. What do you hope he’ll say?
It wasn’t true, though. I didn’t always want his approval. I just...wanted to connect with him. And it wasn’t wrong. And as for what I hoped he’d say... ‘Well done, Ellie’ would be nice, though probably a bit much to hope for.
Ash spent most of the long flight on his computer or on the phone, and I could sense that he was purposefully putting distance between us. I didn’t mind. It was good he was putting that distance there. We were not, after all, an official couple.
We’d both agreed that once we’d got back to London, we’d wait for a month or so and then let word get out that we were no longer ‘officially’ together. Purely for Delaney’s benefit, of course.
I felt bad for deceiving the old man, but since Dumont had basically given Ash the islands he’d wanted and Delaney had seemed to find that more convincing than me being Ash’s girlfriend, I was okay with it.
After a few hours in the air, I was feeling tired and, since I’d hardly had any sleep the night before, too busy drinking my fill of Ash before we ended it, I curled up on the couch with a blanket over me, trying not to remember how he’d taken me here.
He’d made me feel so good that day. So powerful...
I curled in on the ache in my heart and tried to pretend it wasn’t there, shutting my eyes determinedly.
I didn’t think I would sleep, but I did, only waking when Ash shook my shoulder lightly and told me we were coming in to land.
It didn’t take long and with customs formalities surprisingly quick, we were in Ash’s Land Rover and on the way back to my flat before I was ready.
A heavy silence had fallen between us and I didn’t know how to break it. I didn’t want this to become too heavy or too dramatic, because it shouldn’t be. This was only the end of an affair. A really wonderful affair, but only an affair nonetheless.
Certainly it had been about more than sex, yes, I’d admit to that. But nothing worth extending. Nothing worth making permanent.
Permanent? What the hell?
I swallowed, staring out of the window as the grey streets of London slid past the glass.
Why was I thinking that? I didn’t want permanent. I didn’t want deep and meaningful. My passion I kept for the cars, because machines were easy to love. They weren’t like people who could simply ignore you whenever they felt like it, who didn’t seem to care no matter how hard you tried to please them. They simply accepted whatever you wanted to give them.
Yet the silence settled around us, deeper and darker, and I tried desperately to think of a joke or some mundane comment that would ease the growing tension.
And then I noticed something.
This wasn’t the way back to my flat.
‘Where are we going?’ I asked, glancing at Ash.
‘You’ll see,’ he said shortly. ‘I wanted to show you something first.’
That something turned out to be an old brick warehouse in Hackney.
Ash drew up outside and turned off the engine.
His eyes had gone electric, the way they did when he was aroused or angry or excited. This time it was excitement. As if he had a secret he was desperate to share. ‘Come on. Time for one last surprise.’
‘What surprise?’
But he wouldn’t answer and I was left with no choice but to trail after him as he got out of the car and walked to the entrance of the building, pausing to tap a code into the keypad on the door.
The lock clicked and he pushed the door open, gesturing at me to go in, his eyes glowing.
Mystified, I took a hesitant step inside.
It was an open white space full of what looked like workshop benches. Computers were set up on various desks and there was a hydraulic jack for a car in the middle of it. A whiteboard stood in a corner, along with a stack of tyres. There were also rows of shelves full of boxes and tools and lots of other fascinating-looking bits and pieces. Familiar bits and pieces.
Car parts. And car tools.
I stared, suspicion clenching hard inside me.
Behind me Ash hit a switch and the lights came on, illuminating the workshop space.
Because it was clearly a workshop space. A car workshop space very like the ones I’d been around all my life. Except cleaner and newer.
The suspicion became certainty and my eyes filled with sudden, sharp tears that no amount of blinking would get rid of.
‘This is yours.’ Ash’s voice was a deep rumble behind me. ‘Your workshop, Ellie. You need to build your prototype. I took the liberty of getting a team together that will help you—I hope you don’t mind. I’ll give you the list of specialists and you can add to or subtract from it as you see fit. They’re good, though. And if everything goes smoothly, you might even have the prototype ready for Monaco.’
The tears overflowed, rolling down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop them, my heart an aching ball in my chest.
My workshop. My team.
‘But I have no funding,’ I croaked, keeping my back firmly towards him, not wanting him to see what this meant to me. ‘Please don’t tell me you paid for this.’
‘You have the funding. Some of it is mine because I like your ideas and I want a stake in them. But the rest is from some other contacts in the club that I gathered over the past week. They liked your ideas, too, and your vision.’
I didn’t know what to do. For so long I’d put this passion of mine away; ignored it because it didn’t fit with Dad’s. And he’d thought it had no future and so I’d thought it didn’t either.
Of course that hadn’t stopped me playing with it, putting little touches on my plans here and there. Investigating workarounds with various engineers, drawing and redrawing designs. Always fiddling with it, always tinkering.
But I’d been realistic. There was no way my dream could ever be a reality and I’d told myself I was fine with that. I didn’t care. It wasn’t a big deal.
Except I did care and it was a big deal. And that was why I was standing there with tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling as if Ash had broken open a cage inside me and let the powerful, intense creature out.
He had done this for me. He had done this for me.
He believed in me in a way no one else had done since my mother died.
Not even my dad.
I turned suddenly and met his fierce gaze.
‘Is it all right?’ His stare flicked over my tears and for the first time I saw hints of uncertainty in his expression. ‘Ellie, if this isn’t right—’
‘No, it’s perfect,’ I interrupted hoarsely. ‘This is just what I wanted.’
He frowned, his hand coming up as if to wipe away the tears on my cheeks before checking himself. ‘You’re crying, though.’
‘I know. Because I can’t believe someone would do this for me. I can’t believe you think it’s worth putting the time and money into.’
Blue sparks leapt in his gaze. ‘Of course it is. I told your father I was going to be investing in your idea and if he knew what was good for him and his company, he would, too.’
My throat squeezed tight. ‘He thinks it’s no good.’
‘Who cares what he thinks?’ There was ferocity in his voice. ‘It’s what you think that matters. And this is important to you, I know it is. Anyway, he did help me put together your team, so I suspect he might have at least heard what I was saying.’ Ash stopped, looking at me. ‘I’m not trying to muscle in on your territory, Ellie. You understand that, don’t you? You’re the one who has to build it. I’m just providing you with the tools you need.’
I did know that. I knew exactly what he was trying to do. What he’d done ever since I’d met him: giving me a challenge and daring me to rise to it; daring me not to be afraid
of what other people might think.
And just like that I felt something hot pulse through me. An acknowledgement of something I’d been too afraid to examine closely. Because I’d been afraid for a long time.
Afraid of my own feelings and the power of them. The strength of them that Dad had never been able to deal with. Not when I’d been a small girl grieving my mother and not as an adult, when I’d been hurt by a man who’d had no right to hurt me.
He didn’t know what to do with my grief or my excitement or my anger.
He didn’t know what to do with my love.
So I’d put all those feelings away in a cage and locked the door, pretended everything was fine.
But Ash had broken that cage wide open and I realised that I couldn’t deny it any more.
This was a big deal. He was a big deal.
He would never be a comfortable, easy-going, laid-back man. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted fierce and hot. I wanted the burn, the speed. I wanted his merciless brand of angry protectiveness and his passionate, rough caring. And the moments of tenderness he showed in the gentle, light way he touched me.
I wanted him to be exactly as he was.
Because I’d fallen in love with him.
‘What?’ he demanded, intensity burning off him. ‘If you don’t like it—’
‘I love it, Ash.’ I stepped towards him, my heart full and aching in my chest, fear in my veins, but I was in the driver’s seat now and I was speeding along the track. There would be no stopping me. I was surrendering to the momentum. ‘And I think I love you, too.’
His expression froze and something bright burned in his eyes. So bright that for a second I could hardly look at him.
Then it went dark, his expression shuttering like a door to a furnace closing, cutting off all light and heat.
‘No.’ The chill in his voice was absolute. ‘No. That’s ridiculous. You can’t.’
Perversely, his coldness only made the fire burn brighter inside me, an anger that I’d been keeping inside for far too long. ‘Why can’t I?’ I demanded. ‘Give me one good reason.’
‘Christ, haven’t I given you enough reasons?’ He drew himself up, as if he were bracing himself, the lines of his face becoming set and hard. ‘I told you I wasn’t going to give you anything more. That this affair was only for a few days.’
‘Did I ask you for anything more?’ I took a step towards him, emotion flowing through me in a deep, hot flood, making me strong. Filling me with power. ‘I didn’t ask to feel this way about you. I didn’t want it. But I’m not going to lie about it, I’m not going to pretend I don’t feel it. It’s too important, Ash. Because it is a big deal.’
‘Why?’ Anger flared in his eyes, his usual go-to emotion. ‘Because I gave you a workshop? Because I’m funding your project?’
‘No.’ I closed the distance between us and put my hands up, cupping his face between them, watching as he flinched back from me as if my touch had burned him. ‘I love you because you’re arrogant and bossy and demanding. I love you because you’re uncompromising. I love you because you’re dangerous and passionate. I love you because you make me feel powerful and I haven’t felt that way for years.’
He dragged my wrists away from his face, his expression forbidding. The scars were white against his skin, a reminder of his violent past. A reminder of his drive and determination, his ferocity.
But that was not what I saw, not now. All I saw was his vulnerability. The pain of a thirteen-year-old boy being told he wasn’t his father’s problem. The anguish of a young man who’d thought he’d broken his mother’s trust.
A lonely man who pushed people away rather than risk his heart.
What makes you think he even wants you?
I didn’t think he did. But in a way, that didn’t matter. Because whether he returned it or not wasn’t going to change the feeling in my heart. Vast, powerful. My very own perpetual motion engine.
‘I don’t want anything from you,’ I said, before he could say anything. ‘I just wanted to tell you how I feel.’
‘Why?’ he demanded, fury glowing in his eyes and vibrating in his voice. ‘Why the fuck would you want to tell me that? Why the fuck do you think I would be interested?’ His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his knuckles white. ‘Don’t you dare put that on me.’ His face was as white as his scars now. White with fury. ‘I don’t want your love, Ellie. And I certainly don’t fucking need it.’
I’d overstepped the mark and I knew it. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have kept quiet. Because of course he wouldn’t know how to deal with this.
He didn’t know what to do with something he didn’t have to fight for.
My heart was nothing but a raw ball of pain, because even though I’d suspected that this would be his response, I couldn’t quite get rid of the stupid hope that perhaps it would be different.
But it wasn’t different. I couldn’t force him to feel something he didn’t. This was one thing I couldn’t fight for. If he didn’t feel the same, he didn’t feel it.
‘Okay,’ I said thickly. ‘It’s okay, Ash. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
He stared at me and the expression on his face defeated me. I had no idea what he was thinking in that moment. His scars were vivid, his blue gaze even more so. ‘I’ll leave the car for you.’ He chucked the keys carelessly down on a nearby desk. ‘You can drive yourself home.’
And then he turned and walked out.
Leaving me standing in my brand-new workshop, my heart bleeding in my hands.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Ash
FURY PULSED IN MY VEINS as the cab I’d called delivered me straight to my mother’s council estate. A raw, hot feeling. A familiar feeling.
The same feeling as when Delaney had told me that Seb had given up his claim to the islands.
The feeling of being given something I wanted without having to fight for it.
Something I didn’t deserve.
Ellie, standing in the workshop I’d got ready for her, with tears streaming down her face. Telling me she loved me.
It was the workshop that had done it, that was what it was. It wasn’t me. Just like two weeks ago when we’d had sex in the limo in Paris, and the next day she’d told me about her father’s financial issues.
She’d told me she’d wanted to have sex with me, that it wasn’t anything to do with Australis, but I’d had my doubts then. And I had them still.
Of course it wasn’t me.
None of this was me.
And it didn’t fucking matter. I didn’t care what she thought of me. I didn’t care about the tears on her face or the way she’d said ‘I just wanted to tell you how I feel.’
I didn’t care about the fact that she loved me at all.
The usual group of disreputable teens were gathered around outside, bored and with nothing to do. Once, I’d been one of them.
Today, though, I stormed past them, ignoring their greetings, anger burning like a fire in my gut, beating at the walls of the cage I kept it in, clawing to get out.
I bypassed the shaky lift and headed straight for the stairs, virtually running up the fifteen flights to Mum’s floor without pause, working out my anger the way I preferred, with physical exertion.
Ellie had backed down in the end, so of course she hadn’t meant it. She’d gone ahead and told me she loved me, and when I’d shouted at her, she’d turned away without even a protest.
I’d told her I didn’t want it and she’d simply...accepted it.
And that was a good thing, wasn’t it? That was how it should be, because I wasn’t a man to be messed with when I was in this mood.
Her fault entirely.
She should have accepted my last gift to her, thanked me, and then walked out of my life. But no, she had to make ever
ything so much harder by telling me she loved me.
Fucking love always ruined things.
I stormed down the hallway and up to Mum’s door, knocking on it as if I wanted to batter it down with my fists.
Mum opened the door and scowled. ‘Ash? What the hell do you think you’re doing breaking my door down?’
Without waiting for an invitation, I stepped into the tiny, dingy apartment I’d been brought up in. The apartment I couldn’t understand why my mother hadn’t left when given the opportunity. And then stood there as I realised I had no fucking idea why I was even here.
She shut the door behind me, still scowling. ‘What is it? You look upset.’
‘I’m not fucking upset,’ I said belligerently. ‘Why would I be upset?’
Mum folded her arms. ‘You tell me. You’re always pissed off about something.’
I glowered at her. ‘Are you surprised? After the kind of upbringing I had?’
For a second Mum didn’t say anything, only stared at me. Then she said, in a softer tone, ‘What is it, Ash?’
‘Why?’ I demanded, not realising I was going to say it until it came out. ‘Why do you not want anything I give you?’
She blinked then let out a sigh. ‘Why don’t you sit down? I’ll get you a cup of tea.’
‘I don’t want a fucking cup of tea. Just tell me. You refused the house, you refused any kind of money I wanted to give you. Why? I just wanted to give you back what I lost.’ My heart was beating furiously, the blood echoing loudly in my veins. I couldn’t understand myself, why I wanted to know this bullshit. I didn’t care about it, did I?
A strange expression crossed her face. ‘Ah, this.’
‘Yes, this.’ My hands were in fists, my fingers aching with the tension, a strange kind of fear pulsing in my veins along with the anger.
‘You worked hard for what you have,’ Mum said quietly. ‘And I know you blame yourself for what happened with the money. But...’ She let out another sigh. ‘I didn’t care about that. I cared about you.’
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