It made me feel lonely to be on the river all alone, but I knew that eventually, as I got closer to Missouri, the banks would become more populated, and once I got closer to my destination, I would be able to find someone who could take me inland, to where my Aunt Kelly lived.
I remembered it had taken two months for the wagon train to reach the place where I had fallen in, and possibly, another couple of weeks to travel along the bank, upriver to the Sioux camp. Only, I was not following the river, which we had followed up. Hudson had told me that the river we had been following to get to the Sioux, which I had learned also called themselves Lakota, connected to a bigger river, where the camp was located. That larger river, emptied out into the Missouri river, and that was the river he would take to Missouri, to sell his hides.
By following the Missouri river, I wouldn’t even come near to where I had fallen in when we crossed somewhere in Wyoming. I was in Dakota territory now, far above the place where the Oregon trail forked off along the Platt river. By the time I came to where the Platt river merged with the Missouri river I would almost be back at the beginning of where the Oregon trail began. The only place I could go was to Missouri, I realized.
I had been on the river for almost two weeks, and I was running out of meat. I was wondering how I was going to find something to eat? I hadn’t thought to bring a bow or arrows with me, since I didn’t even know how to shoot one. Perhaps I could fish, I thought, or use my knife to make a spear to spear a fish like I had seen Shadow Hawk do.
I was feeling tired and a little queasy from being on the river for so long. I decided to pull the boat to shore, see if I could spear a fish, and then sleep out on the ground during the night. I was proud of myself when I copied Shadow Hawk’s method of building a fire and actually got the kindling to start. It was the first fire I had built since I left, because I had stayed in the boat and just rode the currents the whole time.
I wasn’t as lucky when it came to spearing a fish. I wasn’t fast enough, and there weren’t many large fish that came close to shore on this river, I discovered. I wished I had a hook and some string.
I contented myself with eating more of the buffalo jerky, which was getting pretty low, as I lay and watched the campfire, thinking of all the times Shadow Hawk laid beneath the buffalo robes with me, snuggling close, and holding me next to him, while he stroked my hair. I tried to stop thinking about such things. It appeared, even though I had managed to escape Shadow Hawk, I was still his captive in more ways than I wanted to admit. Finally, I fell asleep.
I could feel the sun shinning on my face, and then a shadow crossed over me, and the sun no longer hit against my face. My eyes flew open, and I took in my breath, as I discovered a small band of Indians grouped around me, looking at me and pointing to the dress I was wearing. They were talking among themselves, as they began examining my collection of belongings, I had brought with me. I thought they intended to steal my supply of things, considering every encounter we had had with Indians along the Oregon trail, they tried to rob us blind.
They gathered up all my belongings, including the round- boat, but then they placed me upon a horse and tied all my belongings to the saddle, with the flatboat, dangling over one side of the horse. The horse didn’t even bat an eye at the contraption that jostled against his side as he started to follow the group who had decided to take me captive. Now I was in a worse situation than I had been in before, I thought wearily. However, they did not bother to tie me, considering there were enough of them to keep a close eye on me. I told myself if I had managed to escape Shadow Hawk, I could probably escape this group as well. Until then, I decided to cooperate with them.
The problem was, they were heading back upriver, in the direction I had come from, and that meant for as long as I was with them, I would be losing ground. I wondered where their village was, considering I hadn’t seen any Indian villages along the way. I recognized them to be Sioux, since the language they spoke sounded like Sioux, and I got the sinking feeling that even though there were many Sioux villages throughout the area, and some Sioux were more friendly to whites than others, since they were following the river, they may be headed right back to the Sioux village I escaped from.
I think they recognized the style of my dress was from the tribe I had escaped from, and for all I knew they recognized Hudson’s flatboat. They must be a hunting party, or raiding party, that was headed back in that direction, and didn’t know who I was, but knew where I came from. They probably guessed I was a slave, and had escaped, and now they would be returning me right back into Shadow Hawk’s arms!
I shivered at the thought. I didn’t know whether it was from fear at having to return, or excitement that I would see Shadow Hawk again. However, I knew he would be very angry at me, and would probably keep me tied up after this, while he used me as he pleased.
I didn’t have any more food anyway, so maybe they were saving me from starvation, I thought, as I tried to look on the bright side of things. I had to resign myself to the fact that I would be returning to the village, and even Hudson would be angry at me for stealing his flatboat, if he hadn’t already built another one to take downriver.
The trip, though, would take twice as long as coming downriver in the flatboat, and I was thinking it would probably be another month, before we reached the village. It was like starting the Oregon trail all over again, and not getting anywhere!
The days plodded by, but the upside to things was that the Indians hunted, and so we had food to eat along the way, beyond buffalo jerky. The Indians, seldom talked to me, since they probably figured I couldn’t speak their language anyway. They sometimes talked among themselves, and pointed to me, and I was hoping that it wasn’t because they were deciding on who was going to get to use me for their pleasure.
Somehow, I think they knew on some subtle level that I belonged to some other brave, and it was against the rules to use someone else’s property. They would have to discover who I belonged to, once they returned me to their village.
It was on this long trek back to Shadow Hawk’s village, that I came to the discovery that I was carrying Shadow Hawk’s child. The thought chilled me, because I didn’t know what the customs were about slaves having their owner’s children. Would it be taken away from me and raised by another Indian woman? Would Shadow Hawk own the child right along with me? Just the thought of giving birth to a child frightened me. I had witnessed several births along the way on the Oregon trail. In many cases the child died. Sometimes the mother died. But then there were joyous occasions when both survived and everyone was happy for the new added member of the family.
Only I wouldn’t have a family. By the time we got back to the village, Shadow Hawk would probably have already married Shy Dove, and I would become his slave, the way he intended me to be, before I had escaped. I would have to raise my child with Shadow Hawk lording over me, directing me in everything I did, which was the very thing I had dreaded about getting married to anyone, I thought.
I realized I would never see my family again, and even if by some miracle I did, I would be an outcast for having an Indian’s child. They would probably make me leave the child with the Indians, or maybe the Indians would forbid me to take it with me, if someone came to rescue me. But then I had to admit… no one knew where I was, and they were all in Oregon by now anyway, which was clear across the country from where I was.
It was late summer, and the weather had turned hot. A lot of the landscape along the river was barren and dry, except along the banks.
Eventually, the small band reached the familiar sight of the Sioux village, camped along the river bank. All that time had been wasted, and soon, I would have to face Shadow Hawk. I was trying to prepare myself for the confrontation.
The village members saw us coming, and like they had done when Shadow Hawk had returned with me, a lot of them came out to greet the group. It was then that I saw Shadow Hawk striding towards me. I couldn’t read his face, because he kept his featur
es neutral, as he approached me. Then he was standing beside my horse, looking up at me. A moment later, he was pulling me down from the Indian pony.
“Wahcondakah has returned you to me,” he breathed, as he clutched me to him. “I prayed day and night. I went on a vision quest. I repented of my treatment of you, begging to have you back. Now you have come.”
Then Shadow Hawk’s lips were covering mine, and that old familiar feeling came over me, and I knew there was no escaping Shadow Hawk, because even when I had, he had still haunted me.
“Come,” he said. I have kept a place for you in my Teepee, for your return. First we shall go bathe.”
I had not murmured a word, and I wondered if he still intended me to be his slave, but since he had kept a place for me in his teepee, I assumed he must consider me his property, regardless.
Shadow Hawk took my hand and led me down to the river. It was earlier than the tribe usually took their evening bath, so there were no other bathers along the bank. I stood as Shadow Hawk lifted my dress over my head, and then he was removing his breech cloth, and pulling me down to the water with him.
“I need to tell you something,” I finally said.
He looked at me expectantly, as I paused, not allowing him to bring me all the way out into the water.
“I am going to have your child,” I managed to say in a shaking voice, wondering how he was going to react.
He stood very still for one long moment, as his eyes lowered to my stomach. Then he reached his hand out, and caressed my stomach, very gently.
“Tomorrow, I will make you my wife,” he whispered.
“I thought you said you were going to marry Shy Dove,” I muttered, trying to keep my voice even.
“You are the only one my eyes wish to look upon,” he murmured. “You were always the one I wanted. You are still the one I want. Wahcondakah gave you to me, and then brought you back to me. Say you will honor me by becoming my wife.”
“I thought I wasn’t virtuous enough to be your wife,” I faltered.
“I am the only one who has had you. You were virtuous then, so you are still virtuous to me now. I never should have used you so. I have begged Whacondakah to forgive me. Now I must beg you to forgive me!”
“I have missed you,” I said softly. “I have missed your touch. I have missed your kiss. I have missed the way you made me feel when you did take me,” I admitted. “I will forgive you, if you will forgive me,” I said.
“There is nothing to forgive you for,” he whispered, and then he was engulfing me into his arms, covering my mouth with his. When we bathed, he took special care to caress my body gently, as he bathed me, and I in return, caressed his body, as I bathed him, facing the fact that I would have to accept him as my husband, since I now carried his child. I wondered if I would have ever given in and married him, if I hadn’t been carrying his child. I didn’t want to think about it though. I was so happy to be in his arms again.
Shadow Hawk led me back to his teepee, and when we entered he had me sit on the buffalo robes. Then, he sat down beside me.
“I must give you your first language lesson,” he whispered. “Mee-yea ghchah due-way day-ghee-lah eed ah nee-yea. It means… I am the one who very much loves you.”
I welcomed his mouth, which was now covering mine, as he lay me back on the buffalo robe. His hands pulled my dress away, and tossed it aside. Next, he began kissing my stomach.
“I love the child inside of you as well,” he murmured.
Now his mouth was searching over my skin for all those places that caused me to shiver at his touch. I reached over to him and released the tie of his breechcloth, and it fell away, giving me access to his need. He was not the only one who had such needs, I realized, as I discovered him all over again, in a whole new light.
I found myself losing any reservation that I may have felt in the past, as I eagerly shared the delight of his body beneath my touch, wanting to discover the things that would make him shiver, and yield beneath my fingers.
As I felt a strange passion rising up within me, I knew that my passion could only be satisfied through Shadow Hawk. I remembered how Hudson had told me that Indian women wanted to please their braves, and now, I knew why. Surprisingly, my bravery to explore his body with my own kisses began to overwhelm me, and I started scattering kisses over his skin, in the same way he had once done to me. I wanted to feel his body rise to my kisses, and his muscles ripple under my lips. I wanted to enjoy the taste of his body against my tongue, and I thought about the time I was so hungry, when he had cooked the rabbit. Now I was hungry for the experience of knowing every part of him.
Shadow Hawk, took in his breath at my touch, allowing me this new discovery, the same way he had let me discover my first touch of him, when I had bathed him. His breath quickened as I gave into my need to please him in all the ways he had pleased me once. I marveled at the need I felt to have such an experience, and the fact that I was enjoying making him catch his breath, and murmur unintelligible words with each attempt to discover my own power over him.
His body rose and fell at my touch, and each new touch became more intimate than the one before, until my knowledge was expanding as I learned a deeply fulfilling kind of love dance.
Shadow Hawk turned me, taking over the dance in a way only he was capable of doing, making my voice sing as his lips caressed me; Finding my deep hidden vulnerabilities, and exploiting them to the fullest. Reaching into my soul and causing it to bloom in a brilliance of a million shattering stars. The stars spread over my body, repeatedly, in response to Shadow Hawk’s coaxing, and when I believed he could coax no more stars to the surface, he proved me wrong.
With gentle intent, Shadow Hawk brought me completely into the dance, causing me to delight at the method the dance was taking. Something new and different than before, as he introduced me to the many ways the dance could be performed, and how our bodies complemented each other with every move the dance took. At one point, he led in the dance, and then he allowed me to lead, showing me my own power over the dance. He was not making love to me. We were making love to each other, each taking our turn showing the other the ways we wished to please them, until the dance built to an inescapable crescendo.
We lay spent in each other’s arms, Shadow Hawk kissing me gently, saying in his Indian words how very much he loved me. I knew then that I loved him very much as well. At last, he had seduced me completely into loving him, and I came willingly, wanting everything he offered me. I wondered why it had taken me so long to admit, Shadow Hawk was the only man I could ever love.
CHAPTER EIGHT
When I woke, I was snuggled contently in Shadow Hawk’s arms, and his eyes were searching my face.
“You are here,” he murmured. “This is not a dream. I dreamed every night of this and now Wahcondakah has brought the dream to life.”
Shadow Hawk, brought his mouth to mine and the dance started all over again, as I let myself be consumed with the very essence of him.
Eventually, we rose and went out for our morning bath. It was still very early. The sun had barely risen. The village was just beginning to stir. I looked around me and thought I had never seen such a glorious day before. I thought about the overwhelming love I had felt, when I had almost drowned. Shadow Hawk had given me that overwhelming feeling of love, so I knew what we shared must be coming from God, or Wahcondakah, as the case may be.
I was devastatingly happy, as I gazed upon Shadow Hawks glorious body and knew that before the day was out we would belong to each other completely. I was actually looking forward to becoming Shadow Hawks wife.
“So now you have her!” I heard a voice say, and I turned to see Shy Dove, standing with a seething look upon her face. “I hear preparations are being made to tie you together.”
She stepped closer as she looked deeply into my eyes.
“You are not one of us! You are not worthy to be Shadow Hawk‘s wife,” she hissed. “You may think because we adopted you that you are no
w like us, but you will never be good enough for Shadow Hawk. A chief must marry one of his own, not something he pulled from the river!”
“Hush, Shy Dove,” Shadow Hawk said quietly. “I have chosen. I love Pay-dah Ee-shda. You must leave us!”
“You don’t love her! You are just blinded by her white skin, and her light eyes. You have forgotten your own heritage. You will lose honor if you marry her. Take her as the slave whom she is only worthy to be! I refuse to allow you to marry her!”
“It is not your place to refuse me anything,” Shadow Hawk stated firmly. “Now go!”
“No!” Shy Dove, screamed.
Suddenly, she lunged forward, and the next moment I looked down to see blood gushing from my stomach. I hadn’t even realized she had stabbed me. Then, her arm lifted again, and I knew she was stabbing me, as I felt the knife plunge into me, once more.
Shadow Hawk knocked the knife from her hand and slammed his hand across her face, hurling her to the ground. I could feel myself sinking slowly, as I staggered to keep my balance. My hands were covered in blood, where I held them against my wounds.
“Pay-dah Ee-shda!” I heard Shadow Hawk cry, but his voice seemed far away.
I started to fall, but he caught me in his arms, and ran with me back to the village, where he took me to the medicine man’s teepee.
“Don’t leave me,” I could hear him cry, but that bright-light was calling to me. It wanted to love me more than Shadow Hawk was capable of loving me, I thought. I had to choose between the bright-light and Shadow Hawk.
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