What if they weren’t compatible once the sex was off the table? No, that couldn’t be right. The foundation of their relationship was built on abstinence. However, they’d not figured out a way to make it work until they found a loophole—marriage.
Her chest tightened as she lowered herself to the bed and the first tear fell. Marriage was hard, harder than she ever expected. That was part of the problem, there were all these expectations and when things didn’t go as she’d hoped, she began to make assumptions about her husband’s motives.
Kelly did need to start picking up after himself. She worked just as hard as he did and she wasn’t his mother. However, she needed to start seeing her house as their home, not just hers.
The drinking was an issue. She wasn’t blind. She’d been on the sidelines watching during the years Kelly lost control. Of course he never put himself in danger or anyone else that she knew of, but she’d observed him closely during the years he drank and knew he was blurring time.
The question was why. There was something vulnerable inside her husband. What was he afraid of? Assuming the alcohol numbed the fear, his recent binge had her analyzing things more closely. Could it be as simple as her leaving? That didn’t make sense, because she wasn’t there in his early twenties when he drank.
Perhaps it was a fear of abandonment, but she wasn’t going anywhere. Didn’t he realize that? Through sickness and health, good times and bad, they were united as one until the end. She shouldn’t have left. It was childish and hurtful.
Although she’d seen beneath the surface and Kelly was slowly letting her in, there were still parts of him that remained shadowed. He was so full of life, it didn’t seem right that he could be harboring fears and feelings of inadequacy. It was in that moment she admitted the incredible man who married her, was in fact just a man.
It was time to stop glorifying him and time to start acknowledging his inner struggles. Everything wasn’t as black and white as her life had been. Kelly was a deep person and the more she got to know him the more she realized there was nothing shallow about him.
As she fell asleep alone and missing his company, she came to the suspicion that Kelly feared, above all else, that he would let her down. Marriage was give and take and there would be confrontations and moments that required they reevaluate their situation to better themselves. She wasn’t an overly critical person in her mind, but apparently she’d have to soften her approach when it came to addressing flaws.
Everyone had flaws, including her. The anger and hurt she faced from discovering such a major decision in her life had been the focus of a joke cut her deep, but Kelly told her he hadn’t contributed. In fact, if what he said was true, he’d defended her when he had no loyalty to her as of yet.
What they were lacking was trust, trust in each other. For a person with such strong faith, it was time she showed her husband she had faith in him. Bumps along the road wouldn’t change their path. They would merely slow them down from time to time. Deep down, she knew there really wasn’t anything beyond abuse or infidelity—two things she believed he’d never do—that Kelly could do to make her walk away.
The fact that he didn’t know that was her shortcoming as much as his.
* * * *
Kelly cleaned up the broken bottle and the rest of the house. He’d fucked up. He hadn’t meant to react like that. He just wanted everything back the way it was. Copasetic.
When the house was spotless and two loads of laundry were folded, he went to bed. Ashlynn was curled up on her side.
He stripped off his clothes and thought twice about dropping them on the floor. After he walked them to the hamper he climbed in beside her. He pulled her sleeping body close and nestled her shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered. “Please don’t ever leave me. I’ll make it better.”
Flashes from the night before played in his head. He could’ve lost her, not because he pissed her off, but because he screwed up, yet again. He had to stop thinking about screwing up and being unredeemable. She was right. He wasn’t being the best husband.
He thought about ways he could be better. It was hard. She was so good and he, well, he wasn’t. He’d gone to church with her a few times, but missed a couple masses. He knew that was important to her and he shouldn’t make excuses.
She did everything he asked of her, but he couldn’t seem to switch gears as easily. He still thought like a single guy for the most part. He got frustrated when she ate without him, but how many times had he cooked for her?
He grew up with a mother that would have wiped his ass until he was an adult if he’d allowed her. He never had to worry about his clothes being clean or his bed being made. Food always magically appeared and his mum even knew when his shaving cream was low.
Ashlynn was much more independent minded. The McCullough women were in no way weak. The men of their family wouldn’t know what to do without them. But they were the types who thrived on taking care of their men.
They were all incredible, capable women, but they all worked in the home. It wasn’t right for him to pin all this domestic stuff on Ashlynn when she had her own business to run. The problem was, he had a business too. There just wasn’t enough time in the day to do what needed to get done, spend time together, and take care of all the little shit that was left.
He’d never even gone on a date with his wife. That realization shocked him to the core. As he stared at the ceiling, he vowed that he’d do better. He loved her and didn’t want to lose her. He wanted her back in his arms and wanted to see those brown eyes looking up at him with admiration once more.
The other night she confessed again that she’d loved him since she met him. Was she talking about since they started hanging out or was she referring to before then?
He contemplated all the encounters they’d shared over the years. Every memory of her included the same affectionate glances. Those big brown eyes warm with yearning.
If it was true and she’d always had a thing for him, she was probably sorely disappointed in their reality. Kelly was worth a few fun nights and after the magic wore off he was just an average guy.
A strange sense of disappointment filled him as he considered she might have fallen for an illusion. His reputation preceded him, but she should have known the real him before agreeing to be his wife.
The more he thought about it the more angry he got. Their entire marriage was a sham based on good sex and common courtesy. If he didn’t do something soon, they were both going to end up resenting each other forever.
Chapter Nineteen
Ashlynn awoke to the scent of bacon cooking. When she turned the bed was unoccupied and her heart pinched at the absence of his warmth and strength she’d grown used to finding wrapped around her.
She used the bathroom and when she stripped her clothes she found the hamper empty. Her wrist wasn’t hurting as bad today, so she carefully unwound the bandage and took a shower.
Her hand was bruised, but the swelling had gone down. She was able to button her pants again and that was a relief. As she went down the steps she heard Kelly singing some Irish melody.
She stilled at the door of the kitchen. The table was set and he was cooking at the stove. She glanced at the trash bin in the corner. It was filled with bottles still containing liquor. What happened while she was sleeping?
The house smelled like bacon and lemons. Had he cleaned?
“You’re up.”
She met his stare and asked, “Who are you and what have you done with my husband?”
He smiled and shut off the burner, placing the skillet at the back of the stove. “I didn’t know how you liked your eggs or how you took your coffee so I waited to make that stuff last.”
He ushered her to a seat at the table and she eyed him curiously.
“Scrambled or sunnyside?”
She’d intended to address their issues, but his overwhelming attention was distracting. “Um, scrambled.”
He poured her a cup of coffee. “What
’s your poison?”
“Just cream, please.”
He doctored up her cup and slid it in front of her. Turning back to the stove he said, “After I do the dishes we can go into town to pick up your new glasses before church. If you need the truck today, you can use it, unless your wrist is still bothering you. If you can’t drive and need to go somewhere I can take you.”
His eagerness to help her was disarming and filled her with a warm buttery sensation. Her brow pinched with confusion. How long had she slept? This was not the man she’d dealt with the night before. “I need to go to the market for a little bit. We’re expecting a shipment.”
He nodded, flipping the eggs in the pan. “Okay. I was thinking later on we could go out to dinner. Someplace nice.”
“Kelly…what’s happening?”
He turned and faced her, spatula in hand. “What do you mean?”
“I mean this isn’t how we normally do things.”
“I know. I don’t like the way we normally do things. We both work too much and don’t spend enough time together. When we’re home you’re always busy doing laundry or other stuff. I don’t like that either. I’m sort of an Ashlynn hog, so if pitching in means more quality time, I’ll do what I have to do.”
Dumbfounded, she simply said, “Your eggs are burning.”
“Shit!”
That morning at mass, she prayed hard for some guidance. Kelly seemed to have reached a decision about them—a good decision—yet she sort of felt left behind. He was so incredible on so many levels, there was no doubt he could do anything he put his mind to. Acknowledging that her own undervaluing of herself had drilled the assumption home that she would never be enough for a man like Kelly wasn’t the easiest thing to admit. But it was there, in the back of her mind all along.
Insecurity was a dangerous thing. Kelly was trying. His efforts, this morning alone, were beyond evident. It should have warmed her heart that she was motivation enough to provoke such a turn around, but it had the opposite effect. It frightened her and pushed all her shortcomings into the light. There was a need to compromise and she, too, would have to bend.
Change was taking place. As the homily echoed over the parishioners, her mind focused on ways she could be a better wife. There was no denying her husband’s affirmed willingness to make this partnership work. That meant give and take and she could surely give a little more than she had so far.
After church they picked up her glasses and went to the market. Kelly called Sue on the way and told her to write up a help wanted ad for the paper.
Once he got off the phone, Ashlynn asked, “Are you hiring a new bartender?”
He pulled into a parking space. “I think I need to cut back my hours. I work well over sixty hours a week. Financially, I’m fine. If I could hire a new bartender and a couple extra waitresses part time, I could keep my hours to mostly weekends and just use the weekdays to handle the office end of things.”
Eventually they’d have to review their finances. Perhaps the stress of an early winter wouldn’t have freaked her out so much had she taken the time to really evaluate their situation and talk to him. She’d assumed they’d cross that bridge around tax season. More assumptions, more miscommunication.
She shook her head. It was time they started talking. “When did you decide all this?”
“Last night. I have some other stuff I want to discuss with you, too, when you have time.”
She unbuckled her seatbelt and faced him. “I have time now.”
“I was thinking you should hire a manager.”
Her lips closed. This was her market. She didn’t need him telling her how to run her business. “Kelly—”
He held up his hands. “Just hear me out.”
Why did she have such a wall up? It wasn’t just her market anymore. It was theirs. Being alone for the majority of her life might have played a hand in her difficulty accepting help from others. There was nothing flattering about being so closed minded.
Relaxing her shoulders, she said, “I’m sorry. Go ahead.”
His mouth curved as he nodded. “Eventually you’ll be pregnant, Ashlynn. There’s no way you can keep these hours when that happens. It won’t be good for you or the baby. And what happens when we have kids? I think it’s smart to look for the help now before you’re in a bind.”
He had a point, but she wanted to clarify a few things. “How do you see us functioning once we have kids, Kelly? Do you think I’ll eventually close my store so I can be at home and attend soccer games?”
“No, but if our kids play sports or dance or whatever I don’t expect you to miss a game and neither will I. That’s what parenting is, making time for what really matters. That’s family.”
She thought for a moment. He was correct. She knew what it was like not to have a mother in the stands. It undermined her motivation to participate as a child and somehow the world had floated by without her.
“Okay, Kelly. You cut back your hours and I’ll look into cutting back mine. I hate that you don’t get home until after I’m asleep and we rarely share a meal. I want us to have a family, but first we need to work out how to have a marriage.”
He leaned in and kissed her. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t a sensual kiss by any means, yet it left her trembling. Did he have any idea how lucky she was to actually have him? She whispered his words back. “Thank you.”
The shipment arrived and Kelly helped her go over the order. He asked a lot of questions regarding her business and actually had some good ideas pertaining to her accounting when she showed him the program she used. She realized she’d underestimated his business sense and that made her wonder what else she’d overlooked.
His optimistic approach seemed to affect the mood of the entire day. As Ashlynn dressed for dinner, she frowned over her jeans and plain shirt. She only had two skirts and no dressy shoes for the colder months.
She must have been dawdling, because Kelly came looking for her. “Ash?” She sat on the bed. “What are you doing?”
“I have nothing to wear.”
He laughed. “That isn’t something I’m used to you saying.”
Probably because she was more like a man when it came to dressing herself. The nice jeans he’d chosen for himself and the button down dress shirt that matched his eyes gave her more of an inferiority complex. Even his shoes were shiny. “You look nice.”
“So do you. Come on, let’s eat.”
She pursed her lips. How could he honestly think that? She was a female farm hick. Self-loathing tightened her chest and she turned her gaze away as her eyes began to sting.
Kelly came to the bed and kneeled in front of her. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to go out like this?”
“Like what? There’s nothing wrong with what you’re wearing.”
“I’m one step up from a lumberjack.”
He smiled and mumbled, “Sexiest lumberjack I ever saw.”
She laughed quietly. He was so sweet, always making her feel better. If only he knew how hard she actually was on herself. He balanced her. “I don’t know how to dress like a woman.”
He seemed to consider this. While she knew her appearance didn’t bother him, it bothered her. He stood. “Give me a few minutes.”
“Where are you going?”
He went to the door. “Just…give me a few minutes. Relax.”
She waited for almost a half an hour for Kelly to return. It was getting dark when lights shined across her window as someone pulled into the driveway. Frowning she went to the door.
“She’s upstairs. Thanks for coming.”
Ashlynn didn’t know who Kelly was talking to, but really didn’t want anyone else involved. As she stood in the hall a glossy, head of beautiful red hair came into view and she sucked in a breath.
“Hey,” Sheilagh said.
“What are you doing here?” The pain from the day before returned as she faced the orchestrator of her humiliation.<
br />
Kelly’s sister’s smile faltered. “Kelly called and said my services were needed.” She held up a bag and something that looked like a tackle box. “I brought clothes and makeup.”
Ashlynn stepped back. “No, thank you.” She couldn’t do this.
Sheilagh blinked. “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?”
Mad. Humiliated. Betrayed. “Thanks for coming, but you can leave now.” Why did Kelly invite her here? Ashlynn turned and shut herself in their bedroom. Sitting on the bed, she dropped her face to her hands.
The door opened a second later and Sheilagh stepped in, tossing her bag and box on the floor. Damn pushy McCulloughs. “Okay, what’s going on?”
Fine. Ashlynn could do this. She wasn’t ashamed of who she was. “I found your little bet.”
“What bet—oh…” Her face turned contrite.
“Yeah. Oh. So as you can imagine, you’re the last person I want to help me right now.”
Sheilagh’s shoulders sagged. “It was just in fun.”
“At my expense.”
Green eyes turned on her. “I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me. For the record, Kelly was against the whole thing.”
Ashlynn sucked in a breath. That was such a relief to hear, even though Kelly claimed the same. “Why did you do it?”
Sheilagh made a sad smile and came to sit on the bed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I do things without thinking. Josh is a nice guy and he’s been around for a while. He’s only a year older than me, he’s straight, he’s not sleeping with one of my relatives, and he’s handsome. Maybe I was jealous of you.”
This shocked Ashlynn. “Of me?”
“Yeah, you. You’re so…you. I mean you don’t let anyone tell you how to be and you don’t pretend to ever be something you’re not. I was a little surprised when Kelly called me tonight and said you were upset you didn’t own any dresses. Since when do you dress up? You know Kelly loves you just the way you are.”
“We’re supposed to go to a nice restaurant. I only own men’s clothing.”
Chaste Page 35
