She caught her breath. ‘Why wasn’t it enough?’ she asked. ‘That day? When you saved that little boy?’
She could see how hard it was for him. He closed his eyes and swallowed noticeably. Then he opened his eyes and looked directly into hers.
‘Do you remember what happened earlier on in that shift?’
Kate nodded. ‘I remember it all. A compound tib and fib. Big MI. Appendicitis. The fish-hook. You did a wonderful job stitching that man’s hand. I’ll bet he didn’t even end up with a scar.’
‘Do you remember what happened when I was doing that job? The ambulance that arrived when I was halfway through the incision to get the hook out?’
‘The DOA?’ Kate nodded again, but her frown was a little puzzled. Of course it affected everybody when that happened. A sombre ripple would go through the whole department even when the details had not been discussed. And they hadn’t been that day. Braden had said nothing, so why did it have extra significance for Rory? ‘But it was Braden who dealt with that,’ she said slowly.
‘And it was me that Braden came to talk to. To tell me it had been a kid. A boy on his way to school who should have been safe because he was using the zebra crossing to get over the road.’
‘Oh, no!’ Kate breathed. The pull back in time would have been so hard, and nobody knew about Rory’s history so there would have been no one for him to talk to.
‘Braden was almost in tears,’ Rory continued. ‘Said he could only imagine how devastating it was going to be for the kid’s family.’
‘But you didn’t have to imagine, did you?’ Kate asked softly. ‘You knew.’
Rory gave a slow, single nod. ‘I couldn’t think of anything else for the rest of that day. I was distracted, and it could have meant the death of that little boy with meningitis. I’d lost the ability to focus and the risk was terrifying. I had to get out. And stay out. For everyone’s sake. But I knew I was leaving what I’d wanted to do for the rest of my life and it was tearing me into pieces.’
Kate was touching him. Her hand on his arm. But it was her eyes that held him. They were like a mirror. He could see his own pain. Not just at that particular time of his life, but for its entirety.
‘It was never your fault,’ she said. ‘What happened to Jamie. You don’t have to try and make the world a perfect place to make up for it.’
The power of speech deserted Rory. How did Kate know him so intimately when they’d only ever had that one night together?
She knew things he’d barely formed as thoughts himself. She understood how it had been to lose his brother. How lonely he’d been. He knew how he’d tried to make it up to his mother by being the best he could be in everything he did. How afraid he was to deal with the death of a child professionally. And why.
And she’d known long before he’d told her anything. Because her touch—all those months ago—had done the same as her words were doing now.
Absolving him.
Making him feel special. Worthwhile.
Rory cleared his throat. He found the hint of a smile as he bent his head and kissed Kate, very softly, on her lips.
‘You…’ He had to clear his throat again because his voice sounded strangely hoarse. ‘Are going to make the most amazing mother.’ He touched her belly, and it was firm and warm beneath his fingers. ‘These two are the luckiest babies.’
‘Yes.’ Kate’s voice sounded a bit strangled as well. ‘They are.’ She brushed at her cheeks with her fingers and her smile wobbled. ‘They have you for their father.’
What did she mean by that? Rory had to start walking again, as though movement might jog the puzzle into place. Did she want him to be involved in their upbringing?
To the point where she was reconsidering his im petuous proposal?
He hoped so.
And not just for the sake of his unborn children. Rory wanted to be with Kate for himself. To be with someone who instinctively understood him and was prepared to accept him for who he was. With all his scars.
To be proud of him, even.
It was as much as anyone could hope for, wasn’t it? A partnership that was based on acceptance and respect? And maybe love could grow from that. Maybe Rory could learn to open the part of his heart that he’d locked away. And maybe Kate would grow to love him the way he knew she would love their children.
The carol service was winding up as they passed the chapel. ‘Away in a Manger’ was being sung softly, and Rory found he had to increase his pace a little to overcome the sudden urge to pull Kate into his arms and hold her.
Never let her go.
Rounding the corner, they saw Mary Ballantyne talking to a police officer. It was a relief to have something else to focus on before he did something that might shock Kate even more than his proposal had.
‘Everything all right?’ he queried briskly.
The police officer was smiling. ‘We’ve caught the gang who stole the kids’ Christmas presents. They’re all being loaded into a patrol car as we speak, and will be here in no time.’
‘I’m going to order some taxis,’ Mary added. ‘Just as soon as I’ve popped upstairs to see Michael and Flo. We can load the presents into them.’
‘I’ve got a better idea.’
They all turned to look at Kate.
‘Let me take the presents,’ she said eagerly. Her smile was strong and sure this time, and it lit up her face. ‘I’ll get there first and put them under the tree… It’ll be as if Father Christmas remembered while they were all in here, and it’ll be…’ Her smile widened. ‘A bit of Christmas magic after all the bad stuff they’ve had to deal with tonight.’
‘It’s snowing,’ the police officer said cautiously. ‘Driving conditions are appalling.’
‘Braden Foster’s got a big four-wheel drive. He’ll let me borrow it.’
‘I don’t know, dear.’ Mary was frowning, which seemed to make her swollen nose and black eyes look all the more serious. ‘It’s a lovely idea, but in your condition…’
‘I want to do it,’ Kate said. ‘Please?’
Rory’s heart twisted as he saw the plea in Kate’s eyes and heard it in her voice. She wanted this so much. To help others. To make their Christmas special. She was…amazing.
They were all looking at him now, as though he had the authority to give permission or not. And he did. And he took it.
‘No,’ he said. ‘I’m not going to let you do that, Kate.’
CHAPTER NINE
KATE WAS STUNNED.
Rory was going to stop her doing this? Doing something that she desperately wanted to do because it would bring joy to a bunch of kids who’d been through pos sibly the scariest Christmas Eve of their lives?
His face was so stern. Implacable. The decision had been made and that was that.
Well, she’d see about that! Kate sucked in her breath and lifted her chin, ready to do battle. It was only then that she realised Rory was still talking. She had to pull words almost spoken back into her head.
‘Not without me. I’ll drive. And I’ll carry anything remotely heavy.’
‘We could send a patrol car,’ the police officer suggested.
‘No.’ Rory’s lips curved into a smile. One that held an invitation. ‘We want to do this our selves—don’t we, Katie?’
She could only nod, and hope that the action wouldn’t dislodge the moisture accumulating rapidly in her eyes.
Mary didn’t bother trying to stem her own tears. She looked from Kate to Rory and back again. She smiled and sniffed loudly.
‘Bless you,’ she said. ‘And while you’re there do you think you could have a quick peek at Josephine? She’s our donkey, and she’s out in the stables behind the main house. Across the courtyard. She’s well overdue to deliver a foal and I’m a bit worried about her.’
‘We heard.’ Rory nodded. ‘But a vet might be more appropriate than a doctor and a nurse.’
Mary looked at them both again. ‘I doubt it,’ she said sagely. ‘I have the
feeling that the two of you could manage anything.’
KATE FELT LIKE THAT, too, when they pulled out of the ambulance bay in Braden’s car only a short time later.
‘It was nice of Braden to let us borrow this.’
‘It was.’ Rory was fiddling with the controls—turning the heater up, because it was freezing outside, and speeding up the wipers to cope with the thick sleet they were heading into.
‘And those police officers were so helpful—shifting all the gifts.’
Kate looked over her shoulder. The back seats of the large four-wheel drive vehicle had been folded down to create a space the size of a small storeroom. A space that was crammed full of wonderful-looking parcels. The two tricycles weren’t wrapped in colour ful paper, but they had tinsel wrapped around their handlebars and a huge red bow attached to the seats.
The main roads around the hospital were clear and the traffic light, thanks to both the bad weather and the time of night. Most people would be tucked up safely in their own homes by now, Kate thought. Drinking eggnog, maybe, and admiring the twinkling lights on their Christmas trees. Or stuffing small gifts into the stockings they would hang on the ends of their children’s beds, or over the handle of bedroom doors. There were probably a few stressed mothers out there, fretting about the logistics of catering for a large family gathering, knowing how tired they would be because of being woken up at some ungodly hour by over-excited small people.
It would be magic, wouldn’t it?
Rory was concentrating on his driving as the houses became more sparse and the snow on the road deeper. Kate didn’t want to distract him by talking, so she closed her eyes and allowed herself just a moment or two of fantasy.
Of imagining herself and Rory in a huge old bed with a soft feather quilt and lots of pillows. They were sound asleep. Then being woken by small bodies leaping onto the bed. Two little faces peering at them. Girls? Boys? Not that it mattered, but this was fantasy so Kate made them boys. With dark curly hair and big brown eyes like their father. It was so easy to imagine the glow on those faces. ‘Father Christmas has been!’ they’d shriek. ‘Come and see!’
Or maybe she and Rory would get up after they’d been woken by suspicious crackly noises, and they’d creep hand-in-hand, through the dark house to find two naughty children with half the gifts under the tree already unwrapped.
And they’d look at each other…and smile.
‘THIS IS GETTING WORSE.’
‘Is it?’ Kate yanked herself back to reality and peered through the windscreen. Visibility was reduced to only a few feet. ‘We’re not going to get stuck, are we?’
The thought was disturbing. Not that she wouldn’t want to spend time alone with Rory, but it might be very hard, and she might end up telling him something he really wouldn’t want to hear.
‘I don’t think so. The actual road surface isn’t too bad yet. As long as we take it slowly we should be fine. I’m not sure about the ad visability of a fleet of taxis full of children trying it, though. Not at night, anyway.’
‘They could stay in the department overnight. Or maybe the police could help.’
‘Mmm.’ Rory was driving very slowly.
‘Turn left.’ The seductive female voice with a strong deep southern USA accent coming from Braden’s satellite navigation system was startling. ‘In two hundred metres, turn right.’
Kate laughed. ‘I know Braden’s keen on working in the States, but this is just sad!’
‘He wants to leave London?’
‘He’s ready for an adventure. Like you were.’
‘I didn’t go for adventure, Katie.’
‘I know that,’ she said softly. He’d gone because he was broken. He’d fled to try and heal himself. ‘Did you find what you needed?’
‘I think so…yes.’ Rory took the right-hand turn with care. Tiny flakes of snow amongst the drizzle shone in the glare of the headlights. It felt as if they were having an adventure of their own. Driving into the unknown. A dangerous but compelling journey.
‘That’s good.’ Kate’s mouth felt suddenly dry. ‘I’m…glad you came back. And that you’re going to stay.’
He took his gaze off the road for just a heartbeat. Long enough to touch hers. ‘Me, too.’
‘Do you know what you want to do?’
‘No. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I only know I can’t go back to what I did.’
Kate couldn’t think past the need to try and make Rory reconsider such a huge decision.
‘Why not?’
‘You know damn well why not.’
She could see the way his hands tightened on the steering wheel. She could hear the anger in his words. She had to summon a lot of courage to carry on.
‘Not really,’ she said cautiously. ‘What I do know is that you’re absolutely brilliant at what you do. Or used to do. You proved that again tonight. And, yes, I know that you would find it a lot harder than anyone else to deal with losing a child, but I know that you could if you had to. I think you know that, too.’
The headshake was terse. ‘I proved I couldn’t. I ran away. I’m not strong enough.’
‘I think you’re incredibly strong. The stron gest man I’ve ever met.’
‘What?’ The car was inching along a road that had thick snow piled on the tops of hedges on either side. The American voice told Rory to take the second exit on the roundabout they had just encountered. Rory complied, and then looked across at Kate. ‘Why did you say that?’ he demanded.
‘You care,’ she said simply. ‘You always have. That’s what makes you so good at your job. I saw it again tonight, in the way you talked to Lucy and the other children. In the way you treat your mother. And in the way you’re dealing with the shock of finding you’re going to become a father. You care, Rory, and that takes strength.’
He made no response. The only sound was the flick of the windscreen wipers, the background hum of the heating system and that unique, sucking sound that tyres made in snow. Was he listening? Kate hoped so.
‘The problem is that you’ve been trying to carry the whole world on your shoulders since you were seven years old,’ she continued gently. ‘Giving and giving and not letting anyone give back.’
Still no response. Kate bit her lip hard enough to hurt.
‘Nobody can do that for ever. You have to fill the well, and there’s only one place you can get new strength that really lasts. And it’s not the Australian Outback, Rory.’
‘Oh? Where is it, then?’
‘In here.’ Kate touched her heart. ‘It’s love, Rory.’ She took a very deep breath. ‘When we love someone we nurture them and we give them strength. Any amount. It never runs out.’
‘It ran out for my mother,’ Rory said harshly. ‘Do you think she wasn’t loved? My father loved her. I love her.’
‘But she shut herself away, didn’t she? If you can’t let someone love you because you’re afraid, then you can’t love them back. It has to go both ways. You should know that better than anyone. Or maybe you don’t—because you’ve never really had it, have you?’ Kate had to struggle not to cry. ‘You were the strong one. For your parents and then your patients and your colleagues. You’ve just never let anyone close enough to love you, and that’s why you ran out of the strength you need. If you love someone and you’re lucky enough to be loved back then there’s always new strength to be found. For ever and ever. It never stops and…and you can face anything.’
‘I…can’t.’
‘What? Let someone close enough to love you?’
‘I don’t think I’m capable of it.’
‘Why not?’ Kate’s heart was breaking. ‘Do you think you don’t deserve it? Do you think you have to spend your whole life proving there’s a reason why Jamie died and you didn’t?’
There was an awful silence that went on and on. Kate had gone too far, hadn’t she? Ripped open an old, excruciating wound.
‘You have reached your destination.’ The voice from the satellite
navigation device was jarring.
Still the silence hung over them. Rory drove slowly through the open iron gates of Mary Ballantyne’s property. Up a drive lined with vast, ancient oak trees. Up to the steps leading to the front door of a beautiful, old two-storeyed stone house. He turned off the engine, but then he just sat there, gripping the steering wheel with both hands, staring ahead sightlessly.
‘Yes,’ he finally bit out. ‘That’s exactly what I’ve always thought.’
‘Well, you’re wrong,’ Kate informed him. ‘And it’s too late, anyway.’
‘What?’
‘You’ve kept people away, and you don’t want them to love you, but it’s happened, Rory.’ Kate’s inward breath caught and she made a sound like a sob. ‘I love you. I have all along.’
Oh…God! She’d done exactly what she had been so sure she wouldn’t do. Confessed what should have remained a secret. Now she’d have to hear Rory say that he could never return that love because he wasn’t capable of it, and that he was sorry, but he would still be there to help with the children.
And it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. Kate tried to fight her tears but couldn’t. She fumbled with the door latch instead.
‘You unload the presents,’ she choked out. ‘I’m going to go and find that donkey.’
HE HAD TO GO AFTER HER. Unloading the presents would have to wait.
She shouldn’t be running through the snow. She could trip, slip and hurt herself, or the babies. Except she wasn’t running. Kate might be moving with speed and purpose, but she was being careful. As capable as always.
By the time Rory was out of the car and taking in that first, painfully cold blast of fresh air, Kate had vanished around the side of the house.
He set off to follow, but he was moving more slowly than Kate had. Not that he realised it. His brain was so preoccupied that what his feet and legs were doing had a low priority.
'Tis the Season Page 15
