Andie listened politely, and when he finished, he nodded at the engine. “If you’re serious, I’ll fire her up.”
“I’m serious, but not just yet. I have a couple of questions. How much water does it use?”
“The tender holds about a thousand gallons; I rarely fill it more than a quarter of the way.”
“No, I mean, like miles per gallon?”
He laughed. “Gallons per mile.”
“How far can she go without having to stop for water?”
“Right now, about forty out and back, call it a hundred miles.”
“A hundred? That’s no good. Can that be extended?”
“You have to understand that right now forty miles is the longest 15-inch track in the world. Why would you need to go further?”
“This would be a working engine on a longer line,” she told him.
He rubbed his chin. “Push come to shove, I can probably double that, out and back.”
“Two hundred? How about two fifty?”
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be hard to fill her all the way up, but you’d be awfully slow at first. You wouldn’t want to think about having to make a fast stop -- you wouldn’t.”
“How fast can she go?”
“On a flat, straight stretch of track, maybe forty miles an hour. If it wasn’t a great stretch of track, laid down by some guys who seriously knew their shit, about the fourth or fifth time you did that, you’d derail.”
“Safe at twenty, thirty miles an hour?”
“Good track, without a lot of curves, I’d say twenty-five for sure, maybe thirty.”
“How much will she haul?”
“Usually we ran her with two cars.”
“Two? That’s no good either.”
“Those cars hold twenty-four people each. Getting one full car was a chore, most times. We ran with two so people could have some room. On a working line you could probably haul twenty cars of passengers, maybe half that of hopper or flat cars. Depends on what the cargo is. You put any kind of a load on her, though, and the steepest grade you could have would be three percent. Even without a load, four percent would be pushing it. You don’t even want to know what it would be like going down a four percent grade with a full load. Casey Jones time!”
“She burns coal for fuel? How far can she get on a tender load of that?”
“Water’s the limiting factor, but you have to know the fucking dickwads at the EPA go crazy when they see a smoke streamer a mile high. You’ll have to do some fancy footwork to get permission to run her. Not to mention, she’s just a little noisy. Where, may I ask, are you thinking of putting her?”
“Somewhere unusual. You understand, that all I know about steam, trains, and that shit is what I’ve learned in a couple of days on the Internet.”
“Guys like me, we have it in our blood; it’s our lives.”
“So, why are you selling her?” Andie asked him.
He regarded her coldly. “Four years ago I was the happiest fat fucker in the world. I had a tall son that I was proud of -- he was a Marine. My daughter-in-law was a city girl, but she said she liked living away from the city. I had a five year old grandson who I could hold on my lap as we went down the rails and I like to have busted with pride.
“Then some raghead blew my boy up in I-rack, and then my dippy daughter-in-law ran off with some college boy, leaving my grandson behind. And then the kid went fishing in the pond, like I told him a million times never to do by himself, and fell in and drowned. I get this puppy sold, and I’m checking out of here.”
“Two weeks ago my old man died. Fucker had cancer; the assholes wouldn’t let me out to see him and wouldn’t let him in to see me. All I got to see was an urn with his ashes,” Andie said bitterly.
He eyed Andie. “You don’t look like a bad girl, but I admit, you kinda sound like one. I’ve been in stir; it sure ain’t no fun.”
She laughed. “No, I’m the best kind of kid. I was in a hospital and he was in a different hospital and they wouldn’t let either one of us go to the other.”
“Fucking assholes!” he said with venom.
“They just thought they were doing their jobs -- like concentration camp guards, you know?”
“Like I said, fuckin’ assholes!”
“Henry...” she started to say.
“Hank,” he corrected her.
“Hank, I’ll be honest with you. I need a rail line. I’m a little limited on how big the equipment can be. No more than six feet six inches high, and no more than three feet nine inches wide, and no longer than nineteen feet.”
“You can take the tender off; that’ll get the lengths right. You’d have to take the trucks and wheels off, not to mention the smoke stack, to get the height. The cow catcher comes off easily enough; that’ll get the width down to what you want. Yeah, it can be done. Wouldn’t be much work, not really.”
“Hank, buddy, you sound like someone who hasn’t got a reason in the world to live for, except seeing this engine go to a good home. Is that right?” Andie spoke gently.
“That’s right. Like I said, I sell her and I’m checking out. I know a couple of working small-gauge railroads that I’ll will the money too, but they don’t need another engine -- they need the cash.”
“Hank, I have a lot on my plate. While I need a railroad, I don’t need the drain on my time that running it would entail. I have some friends who would pay a man well to run the railroad I’m going to build for them. Say, a pound of gold a month for the first year, then double that the next year.”
“A pound of gold? I sure as fuck ain’t going to work for no fucking ragheads!”
“These guys aren’t ragheads. In fact, when I tell them you’ll work for a pound of gold a month, they’ll think you’re about as dim as someone who wanted to work for a pound of copper a month.”
“That would be pretty stupid,” Hank agreed.
“Hank, I don’t want publicity. I’m real publicity shy. I need a guy to run this railroad, I need him yesterday. I need someone who is good, but isn’t going to sweat the small things -- like it’ll be just a bit dangerous.”
“For five hundred grand a year, or thereabouts? Working on a railroad? Sure -- just so long as it isn’t some stupid hobby setup.”
“This will be a righteous, working railroad, Hank. I want to put up four or five hundred miles of track and however many trestle bridges are needed. When I’ve got that single track done, we’ll put in a second line. Plus build a couple of stations. Then we’ll see about extending that, as well.”
Hank grimaced. “I can run the equipment, sure enough. Light maintenance on the rails? Yeah, I can do that. How much of that five hundred miles has been surveyed and graded?”
“None. Think of the Transcontinental Railroad days. Wild Indians, hostile critters... wild country where if you break down it’ll be real exciting waiting for a repair crew.”
He shook his head. “I’m a rolling stock guy. Steam engines and all of that. Surveying, grading, bridges? I have only the roughest idea. Five hundred miles? Do you have any idea of how much it’ll cost to buy the right of way? Jeez!”
“Like I said, it’s not around here. You’re saying I’ll need someone to run the surveying and do the track work?”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “Speaking of that, I know a real railroad man who could do it -- but, like me, he’s a drunk.”
Andie looked at him for a long moment. “Now that’s a thought! I don’t have a problem with drinking when you’re not working -- so long as you show up sober at the start of the work day. Hung over? Not so good. The twelve-hour rule, I think. So, same deal for your friend -- a pound of gold a month, for the first year, twice that the second.”
Hank Martindale laughed. “This is a dream! There’s got to be a catch!”
“Oh, there is more than a catch. Think of it as a remote tour in the army. You could, I suppose, bring family, but it wouldn’t be a good idea. It’s Indian country; like I said, not to mention critters only t
oo happy to eat you, the little woman or the little kiddies. We beat the bad guys back, but they could come back at any time. Of course, I’ll supply you with any weapon of your choice and all the ammo you’ll need. To be honest though, most of your troubles will come from critters.”
He laughed. “Yeah, the four-legged variety! I hunt cougars a couple of times a year.”
“Well, these ain’t cougars and the worst threats only have two legs.”
“I’m not going to shoot people.”
“If you meet the hostile natives, you’ll change your mind, right quick. No, these are critters that I’m talking about. Hank, right now I’d like to make you a firm offer. But to do that, I have a non-disclosure agreement for you to sign first. Basically if you talk about this without prior permission, your ass is mine.”
“I don’t talk about things like this out of school, but I ‘spose these days you need a signed piece of paper to be sure.”
Andie held up her arm and Linda saw it. Andie mimed writing above her head, and Linda leaned into the rental, picked something up and started towards them.
“What, she’s like your assistant?” Hank asked sourly.
“She’s not like anyone else in the world, Hank. She’s my partner, and she saved my life and the lives of two of my friends. Right now she’s feeling a little low because she isn’t making any headway on the job she was hired for because of quite a few distractions. She tells me she wants to be ‘useful’ any way she can.”
Hank cleared his throat. “Is that girl carryin’ a machine gun?”
Linda arrived and looked at him and shook her head. “No, it’s Andie’s; I’m just holding it for her.”
Hank held his hands up. “I surrender!” He was laughing.
Andie looked at him and held out her hand. “Hank, good buddy, let’s say we shake first on your holding your peace about telling anyone about this?”
She held out her hand and he shook it.
Andie looked at him coldly. “Six weeks ago, Hank, I was standing on a beach a very long ways from North Carolina. I was supposed to negotiate a cease fire and the evacuation of a position by invaders. They laughed at me, Hank. I’m short; I know I’m short, and I know that sometimes the only way I can get people’s attention is to be physical. The third time they ignored me, I used this very P90 to blow a baker’s dozen away. I killed the mother fuckers, dead -- you understand?
“I stood there shooting at them, and they stood there shooting at me. It was thirteen for Andie and zip for them. I got my cease fire and I got my evacuation. Please don’t make jokes about me or about Linda.”
He looked dubious, and Linda Walsh laughed and said, “I guess you don’t get out much, eh?”
“I drink a lot of beer,” Hank said honestly. “I don’t much care what the rest of the fucking world does.”
“You hear about the problems of the President and those boys up in Washington?” Andie asked.
“They’re fucking thieves. This is a surprise, how?”
“Did you understand what they were trying to do?”
“Never made much sense to me. Sounded like science fiction.”
“Well, Hank, you agree to come and work for me, and it’s going to be on a planet where gold is as common as copper is here, and copper more rare than gold. They love copper jewelry, you understand?”
“Another planet?”
Linda chuckled. “He’s smarter than most, Andie.”
“Yeah, I already figured that. Hank, the kerfluffle was about me and two of my friends going to another planet and exploring. All the bad things that have happened to the President and Congress since -- that’s Linda here and Kris Boyle’s father -- Kris is one of my two friends that Linda saved. After Linda, and actually before her, Kris is my best friend.
“I have found a way to travel to other planets. It sure sounds like science fiction, but it’s true. The place where our door opens is about four hundred miles from the nearest local city. The geography is what I call high desert. A little scrub, drier than Hades, mostly. But temperate, a rather mild climate.
“There are flying critters that are taller than you and that have mouths two feet long, filled with sharp teeth, designed to nip off arms, legs -- and heads. That’s so they can carry away the bits and pieces to be eaten at leisure at home.
“There are hostile natives -- they look almost like us. I realize North Carolina once belonged to the Confederacy, but I hope you are somewhat enlightened about race.”
“Somewhat,” he said dryly.
“Yeah, well the local whites are the good guys and the local blacks keep white slaves and want to kill or enslave the whites.”
“You’re shitting me? And this hasn’t been on the news?” He stopped and put his hand over his mouth. “Hush my mouf!” he added laughing. “Over only a lot of die-hard lefties’ bodies!”
“Yeah, well right now the President is still calling the shots, although the calls for him to resign are rising every day. The only reason he hasn’t been impeached is that, if we tried, too many of the House and Senate would have to recuse themselves to get a quorum.
“One of the things that we have to deal with right now is that if you go there, you have to spend a month in quarantine when you get back,” Andie explained. “We have scientists -- recognized scientists, not in our pocket, who say that should be dropped to two weeks, but it isn’t likely to happen soon. So, casual visits are out -- I was there for three months. Linda for just a few weeks -- she spent more time in quarantine than she did there.
“It means we have to do a lot of careful planning and have all our ducks in a row before we go over.
“I won’t lie to you, Hank. On the Far Side they think I’m some sort of genius. I’m teaching them math, science, weapons... all sorts of things. I even built them a sailing ship that can sail against the wind. We know that’s no big, but they thought that was technically impossible.
“This is something I never imagined was possible for me to do. All those people like me because of what I’m doing for them, not making jokes because I’m short. The one guy who made a joke about it -- he’s dead. Not me, but you don’t get far commanding soldiers to dump on someone my size.
“I need sources of materials -- track, ties, switches, rolling stock. I need someone who can build this railroad, if it’s not going to be you. I need someone to operate the railroad, once it’s up and running. I need lots of things, Hank. So -- are you in or out?”
“It won’t be around here?”
“No.”
“I was born and grew up in this house. I got married in this house. My son was born and got married in this house; my wife died in it. My grandson was born in the kitchen, and was pronounced dead on that very same kitchen table. Gimme half a chance and I’m going to burn the fucker to the ground!”
He wiped tears from his eyes. “I won’t drink at all, if what you say is true. Dick, he won’t either. Let me go give him a call and we can go talk to him. If there’s anyone who can build your railroad, it’s Dick.”
Hank made the call and then they got in the rental and Linda followed Hank’s directions to another place pretty much like Hank’s. As soon as they arrived, Hank was out of the car like a shot.
“Dick! Buddy!” he said to a man sitting on the front porch, just like he’d been.
“Go fuck yourself!”
“I brought someone you want to hear from,” Hank told his friend.
“No, I don’t think so.” He gestured at Linda Walsh. “You have no idea who you’re dealing with. I do. She and her friend will get you killed, Hank.”
“I’m Andie Schulz, sir. I’d like to talk to you about railroads,” Andie interjected, hoping to derail comments about Linda.
Linda stood silent, watching the man, letting Andie speak, a small smile on her face.
He looked at Linda, then at Andie. “If she’s Linda Walsh, that makes this one Andie Schulz, right?” he said, speaking to Linda.
“Linda isn’t here to tal
k to you,” Andie said patiently, “I am, and yes, I’m Andie Schulz, live and in the flesh.
“I need a real live, working, railroad. I’ll do whatever it takes to get one up and running in the least time possible. As I told your friend, Hank, here, I’ll pay a pound of gold a month if you’ll do it. That’s to start.”
“You know these two, Dick?” Hank asked his friend.
“I’ve worked with Linda Walsh -- that was that thing I did a few weeks ago in Charlotte.”
Hank looked at him and spat on the ground. “I told you messing with politics would see some of it rub off on you.”
“She fucked me over, Hank. I said I’d help with the protest, but that was all. I surely do protest those stuffed shirts in Raleigh and in DC. She wants me to run for Congress.”
“Davy Crockett did it,” Hank allowed.
“And he was just so happy that after one term he went and got himself killed as far away from Washington as he could get... and Hank, Andie Schulz will do the same thing to you.”
“She doesn’t want me to run for anything, just run a railroad. Dick, I don’t know squat about the engineering part of the job. I can’t lay track, build bridges or any of that shit.”
“Did she tell you exactly where you’d be?”
Hank smiled. “As matter of fact, she was a little vague on that, but it sure sounded out of this world!”
He waved at his friend. “Dick, you and I both know why you went to Charlotte. You don’t care if you live or die anymore, just like me. You went there certain some storm trooper cop was going to beat your head in and save you the trouble of doing it yourself.
“This is something we can do. It’s not like we’re the only ones -- there are a hundred or more guys who could do it. It’s something to do, old buddy, besides sit on the porch and swill beer.”
“I am not a libertine like you, Hank,” Dick said, drawing himself up. “I wait until it’s noon first, before I get drunk.”
The two men started laughing, while Andie and Linda watched in silence.
Dick turned to Andie. “Are you willing to honestly tell us what to expect, before we sign on the dotted line?”
The Far Side Page 60
