by Grace Helbig
That night, I met a guy who was a production assistant at MTV. At that time, I thought that was so cool. Now that I’ve actually done a few internships at MTV transcribing interviews for My Super Sweet 16, I realize that it was not an impressive pick-up line.
The next night, my roommate and I decided to break off from the RA’s planned evening activity and venture down to the campus pub. We found another couple we both “sort of” knew already drinking (that’s the thing about going to a small school–everyone “sort of” knows each other). They were cool and funny and very hipster-y. I liked them and I really wanted them to like me. We all got super drunk with the on-campus bartender and it was great. I remember thinking the bartender was cute right away. At the end of the night, I introduced him to MySpace and showed him my profile and I was so proud–what a nerd.
We continued the getting-drunk-with-the-campus-bartender routine the next couple of nights until we eventually ventured farther out beyond campus to a bar in an area called Camden Town that the couple heard was cool. It was bartended by five attractive Australians who all lived together in the apartment upstairs. It was an Australian, male Coyote Ugly in London. Triple uh-oh! It was also kind of an indie rock/hipster bar full of guys and girls in bands with tattoos and faded leather jackets and ALL THE CIGARETTES. I stood out like a pig on a plane.
The bartenders and regulars nicknamed me the Cheerleader, because I dressed in bright-colored clothing from the Gap and got really happy when I was drunk. I’d never felt cooler. I quickly developed a crush on a scrawny, sweet British bar regular named Tom. I was a repressed single girl abroad; this was THE BEST.
The rest of the trip was a wonderful blur of getting drunk in the school’s pub with my campus bartender crush and then going out in Camden Town to my new favorite Aussie hole-in-the-wall to be around my other indie infatuation. Some highlights included getting so drunk in the campus pub that I spent the night walking up and down my dorm hallway spitting on the carpet and cursing out the bartender to no one. I sobered up when I spat right next to a girl I hadn’t seen walking down the hallway and she said, “Ew, are you okay?” I said, “YES, I’M FINE, ARE YOU OKAY?”
Another night I saw a stray dog pass the Australian bar and I followed it outside and around the block for a half hour before indie bar regular Tom came and collected me. He wouldn’t let me keep the dog. That was his only flaw. Another night, a too-cool rocker regular named Ollie tried to argue with me about “what an idiot George Bush is.” I was never someone who talked about politics (I know my limitations), so I did a cartwheel away from this conversation and he laughed and bought me a shot. I felt like I was really taking on the role of the Cheerleader, like it was some sort of superhero alter ego. I felt free and fun.
The last night of the trip, the fun couple, my roommate, and I went out and somehow my roommate got separated from us. A bartender told us she left with a guy she had been talking to for the past couple nights. Get it quiet, nerdy roommate! Tom couldn’t come out that night, because he had a business thing (the memory is blurry), so the fun couple and I met up with the campus bartender and ended up drinking back at his place.
I fell asleep on the couch with him (there was no sex because I was still shy and sheltered, but at the end of the day I still felt scandalous, and that was enough for me). He took me back to campus in the morning, I kissed him good-bye, and had to pack up my stuff to leave right away. Once I took a second to look around the room in my hungover stupor, I realized my roommate still wasn’t back. Uh-oh. We were all waiting in the lobby ready to go to the airport when she finally walked through the front door with messy hair, avoiding all eye contact. She grabbed all of her stuff as quickly as she could and met us back in the lobby. I whispered, “Are you okay?” and she replied, “It was awesome.”
As we flew back that day, I remember feeling different. Part of the feeling was because I was wildly hungover. But I was also feeling pride, because I’d expanded my horizons and allowed myself to experience fun times with new people. It was the first moment in my adult life that I thought, Oh, I can do this whole “social” thing. And I’ve tried to keep it going ever since. There’ve been peaks and valleys and mountains and beaches and canyons and strip malls, but here are some of the things I’ve picked up along the way. And none of them are STDs!
HOW TO
MAKE ADULT FRIENDS
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had this irrational notion that there’s only a short window of time to make friends and then I’d just sort of . . . have them for the rest of my life. I never thought that I could make new friends as an adult. I’d be way too busy doing my taxes or picking out the classiest briefcase. I could have acquaintances or people I saw occasionally and whose company I enjoyed, but making new friends as a grown-up just didn’t happen. Welcome to my stunted socialization.
I’ve never been great at making friends. (Does this sound like a sob story, or do I just sound self-aware?) Putting myself out there was never my strong suit (I prefer a blazer and jeans–LOL). My parents have been divorced since I was a tiny, one-eighth-formed human. Every other weekend I was at my dad’s house away from my friends, so I missed a lot of hangout opportunities. Which was fiiiiiine by me–I preferred to spend time with my family rather than enter the social gauntlet. However, by the time I reached eleventh or twelfth grade, my social circles were more like social dots. I could count my friends on one hand (if that), which was still okay by me. I’ve never been the person with a hundred friends. Maintaining that many relationships makes me anxious (but what doesn’t?).
When I got to college, reality smacked me in the butt with a wet towel. Reality is kinda pervy. I was on my own and forced to try to make new friends–except I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to do it. I hung out with very few people in high school, and we were all on the same end of the underdeveloped socialization spectrum. In college, I remember sort of trying to hang out and talk to the people on my floor, but ultimately I was too shy and nervous to see any of those relationships through. I used to sit on my bed at night and actually try to break down the act of making a friend. Does it happen when you find a common interest? Or when you’re introduced by someone else? Or does it require witchcraft? I felt like a socially undeveloped loser. Why didn’t they teach a class freshman year called “Here Are Some Friends, Now Go Be Less Sad”?
I just wanted someone to give me a guidebook. I spent weeks going to the student center, looking at the corkboard with flyers to sign up for student-run clubs, thinking, Friends could happen because of clubs, right? I signed up for a couple and it turns out I don’t really enjoy volunteering or peer mediation. At least I learned that about myself.
Eventually I started making friends with like-minded comedy folk–extremely slowly and sort-of-but-not-really steadily. And by the end of college I felt like I had some friends, but I still had no idea how it had happened.
After college, I moved to Brooklyn and got into the improv scene. The comedy community really helped me, but you-can’t-make-friends-as-an-adult still flashed through my mind. I was cordial with everyone, but apprehensive about hanging out with the people I met at the comedy club. That changed when I met Mamrie Hart.
Mamrie was on my first-ever sketch comedy team in 2007. We performed together for a few months and were friendly but never really got together outside of meetings, rehearsals, or shows. One weekday afternoon after the team disbanded for the day, Mamrie asked me if I wanted to get a Bloody Mary in the Brooklyn neighborhood that we both lived in. We didn’t have day jobs (modern women). My usual nervous self was super anxious–Mamrie was confident and funny and a bartender–she was too cool for me. But I agreed and it was great! And then we hung out again, and another time, and voilà, we were friends! Now we work together on a ton of projects and we’ve even had diarrhea while sharing a hotel room. FRIENDS!
Over the past few years most of my closest friends have come from the people I’ve met as an “adult.” The following aren’t rules to live by, becau
se friends are made in spontaneous ways. These are just loose guidelines for finding friendship as a grown-up.
Adult Friending Is Possible!
Recognize this fact: it’s possible to make friends as an adult.
Maybe you know this already, and maybe I’m the only baby-lady that still has to convince herself that this is true. It is true. At this point in your life you’ve had experiences, you have opinions, and therefore you’re ripe to find meaningful new relationships with positive people who will enrich your life. This is the best time to make friends! They get to know your true self instead of your awkward, going-through-puberty self. You can legally drink together! You can grow old and cranky together.
Put Out
Not sexually.
That is not a way to make friends. That is a way to make awkwards. And it’s not fun to hang out with awkwards more than once. Put yourself out there and make yourself available for camaraderie. It took me a while to realize that “you only get what you give” is an insightful song lyric about companionship and not solely about Christmas presents. You can’t win in a casino unless you place a bet. (Side note: Casinos aren’t the worst place to make friends; house fires are probably the worst place.)
Initiate
Take a chance.
Initiate some sort of hangout. I’m awful at this. I’m so stupidly afraid of being the one to suggest something. But in tandem with the last step (and unlike me, and more like Doritos), be bold. You don’t have to specify exactly what you want to do or where you want to go, but just letting the person know you want to spend time with them is part of the friend-making process. It helps to remind myself that maybe they feel the same way that I do and they’re hoping I’ll initiate a hang.
It’s like when you have a litter of puppies and you’re like, “Would anyone want one of these puppies?” and some random is like, “You know what, now that you’ve said something, I would love a puppy. Thank you.” Boom. Best friends. You and the other person and the dog forever.
Common Interests
People who share your interests could equal future potential friends.
This seems like a “no doy” entrée with a side of “what else is new” sauce and some “omg, srsly?” for dessert. It’s an incredibly basic principle, but some of the most basic ideas yield the greatest results (see: macaroni and cheese).
When I joined the improv community and again when I became part of the YouTube community, I met some of my best friends. Who knew that connecting over similar experiences or talking about a mutual hobby could lead to friendship? Why don’t they teach this in kindergarten?
Like that person’s shirt? Ask him about it. He might become your best man. Who knows? The universe is ridiculous.
Ketchup
We go together like . . .
Surround yourself with people who are the ketchup to your french fries–they make you a better version of yourself. Yes, french fries are amazing on their own, but combined with ketchup they’re a force. Spend time with the people who bring out your true flavors but don’t overpower you.
Consistency
Hang out consistently.
My two best friends and I have a stupid relationship–if we don’t see each other once every three days we assume one of us drunkenly fell into a mall fountain. Being a cool friend with someone requires time and attention. Friends are like human dogs or human plants–pay them attention, buy them rawhides sometimes, and they’ll love you forever(ish).
Open Yourself Up
Let’s get deep.
Building a close friendship with someone is about opening yourself up to the other person and vice versa. Sharing a deeper part of yourself with another human being is a special experience. And when you have a certain level of trust and feel comfortable sharing your private information/thoughts with them, it only deepens the bond. It’s a free, fun form of therapy! The greatest friends are the ones who want to listen and share. You’re not truly friends until you’ve heard about the time they shat behind a school bus.
Pool
Everyone jump in!
Get everyone in the pool! Start mixing and matching friends and hangouts. It creates more opportunities to keep things interesting and meet other people. You never really know who you’ll hit it off with, and if you put yourself out there into other “pools” of people you might meet someone cool. Every now and then, someone will take a piss in the pool–kick those people out. Otherwise, it’s a party! Pools are cool.
Here are some inspirational hangout ideas you can do with your adult friends:
Bloody Mary party: Create a Bloody Mary bar and let your friends make their own. This way people can make alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages alike. Also maybe have other options for drinks because Bloody Marys can be very polarizing.
Theme parks and/or laser tag: Even when you’re an adult this is a really fun time. Also, it’s an educational experience. At the last theme park I went to, I found out my body can only handle so many roller coasters before my neck and lower back inform me that they are in fact older and crumblier than they were in high school.
Board game night: People like games because they don’t require any physical activity–they’re the great equalizer!
Themed dinner party: Why just eat food when you could eat food dressed as a NYC tourist or in German lederhosen? When people watch sports in jerseys, they’re basically doing athletic cosplay, so why not make your dinner parties just as fun and stupid?
Hiking/river rafting/camping/general outdoor stuff: Some people like being outside. Neat and ew.
HOW TO MAKE ADULT FRIENDS
Remember: A PICK(Y) COP
Adult Friending Is Possible!
Put Out
Initiate
Common Interests
Ketchup
Consistency
Open Yourself Up
Pool
#APICKYCOP
HOW TO
HANG OUT BY YOURSELF
Hanging out by myself is one of my all-time favorite activities and also one of my special skills–along with avoiding having to wear pants.
I’m a full-fledged introvert, which according to Urban Dictionary means: “A person who is energized by spending time alone. Often found in their homes, libraries, quiet parks that not many people know about, or other secluded places, introverts like to think and be alone.”
All of that is true about me, except for the library part. Though I used to study in the basement floor of the library when I was in college, because I could fart/learn in solitude there.
It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get me in the right headspace to go to a party or social event when I know I could have a GREAT time at home by myself with my dog and my solo dancing. At home, I can let it all hang out without judgments–although my dog gives AMAZING side eye, which keeps me in check. I love being alone, I prefer it nine times out of nine and a half. Attending parties and social events makes me incredibly anxious and afraid. It’s probably why I got into vlogging–an inherently solitary activity. My vlogging started as a hobby; I used to hang out solo and record myself for fun. Now it’s my full-time job. What a psychopath.
Hanging by myself might be the one thing in my life I’ve done the most, other than pooing, sleeping, or forgetting friends’ and family members’ birthdays. I’m a real treat. This is probably the only subject in the book that I’d actually consider myself to be an expert on.
You might think there’s no technique to hanging out alone, but without preparation it can easily go from a fun time to a sobbing self-pity party. Those are the parties you never RSVP to, but by the end of the night you just sort of find yourself there. So do yourself a favor and consider this advice next time you want to paint your town(home) red.
Accept
Accept that this is what you’re doing tonight.
It’s a you, yourself, and also you festivity! This is going to be fun. You should be positive about this. Even if you’re the most social human on the planet (I’m
looking at you, Tyler Oakley), it’s nice to retreat and recharge. Once you’ve made the decision to do so, you can release whatever social stress you might be carrying about having to go out or needing to see other living, breathing humans.
This is the whole reason the Internet exists–so you can catch up with someone by silently stalking their social media rather than talking to them in the real world! There will be other times for you to see them in the flesh. Just don’t die tonight is all. Go you!
The only person you’re responsible for pleasing tonight is yourself. And you know exactly what it takes to please you. Hopefully. Unless you’re extremely self-hating, then maybe you shouldn’t hang out by yourself. Probably better for you to be around others. Please skip to the next chapter. Everyone else, continue reading!
Stock up
Get supplies.
Stock up on the supplies you’ll need and want tonight, so you don’t have to leave your place at any point and “interact” with people. Here are some things that are helpful to have on hand:
Toilet paper–for sh*ts and giggles.
Food–for food.
WiFi–the French call it “wee-fee.” True story.
Batteries–for the moment your mouse dies as you’re Facebook-stalking “that girl” and you’re just about to finally get to her not-so-flattering photos.
