by Grace Helbig
I rebooted my system and was set to find another Wisconsin boy (after all, they were the Nordstrom’s to our Hot Topic) but at the last dance (the one that counts because everyone is SUPER desperate) none of them were there. We later learned that they had all gotten kicked out of the convention because they were caught drinking. That’s why they were so full of life! They were bad boys! Uh-oh, I liked that.
After the convention my “Latin girlfriend” had gone back to the Jersey dude she was already talking to and stopped talking to the Wisconsin boy that I wanted. One night, I grew some digital testicles and IM’d him. It worked. We had an effortlessly fun conversation and started chatting regularly on IM (instant messenger–even back then I was ahead of the curve with Internet dating). Turns out we had a lot in common and made each other “LOL” (when LOL wasn’t cliché).
Before we knew it, my Midwest Mister and I were talking to each other every day after school for hours. We compared our days, and did some heavy Internet flirting (not cybering, you pervs). Eventually we considered ourselves to be “dating,” whatever that meant. All I knew was that the guys in my Jersey high school couldn’t compare to my wonderful Wisconsin sort-of-boyfriend.
I didn’t really talk to my parents about my love life back then. That all changed the day my dad took me to Best Buy so I could buy a Ben Folds CD, because my secret Badger State BF had recommended it. God, we were so white.
When my dad asked me how I had heard of Ben Folds, I ended up telling him about my cheesehead Romeo. It was the first time I had ever mentioned a crush to my dad (I’m pretty sure he was starting to believe I was into the V). There was a pause in conversation and my dad finally said, “Why don’t you go out there and see him?”
WHAT? TURNS OUT DAD IS HAPPY I’M INTO THE D.
Next thing I knew, my stepmom and I were on a plane out to Wisconsin so I could go to prom with Mr. Milwaukee. I don’t know if the trip was better for me or for my stepmom. It was definitely her Cinderella moment–except in this version the stepmom is SUPER COOL. But overall, it was a great weekend. His family was the picture of Midwest charm and hospitality. His parents were still married (da fuq?).
The prom was in a beautiful museum and I got to be the Mysterious Girlfriend from Out of Town That No One Knows and Can Have Any Crazy Adventurous Super Cool Backstory. And then we made out in a car for a couple of hours. Neat.
Over the next year, my all-boys-school sweetheart and I visited each other a few more times and exchanged thousands of instant messages. Eventually it fizzled out as I got ready for college and started to look for boys IRL. However, we still check in with each other from time to time over Facebook (aka I have some drinks and look through his photos–good times).
Why did I tell you this story? Hmm, excellent question. To prove I made out with someone once . . . ?
*Slowly sashays away to the bathroom*
AND I’M BACK.
Young love is so ridiculous, as is middle-aged and old love. And it’s also hilarious. When have you ever felt so vulnerable and wonderful and terrible at the same time? Maybe in a pole-dancing class?
Trying to find true love is a daunting, annoying, and seemingly impossible task, especially now that everyone is so plugged in. Thanks to social media and search engines, you can find out a lot of random information–too much–about a person before ever meeting them. I’m learning new stuff about myself via the Internet every day. For instance, I played a process server on a “reality show” for truTV in 2010. I had conveniently forgotten about this until the Internet reminded me the other day. Fun!
But finding someone special in this .gif-able world is possible. Love is a battlefield, as Pat Benatar once said. And we should all be prepared.
Allow me to try to suit you up for battle (emphasis on “try”).
HOW TO
ASK SOMEONE OUT
Asking someone out is one of the most vulnerable experiences in life. You might as well walk up to the person in question completely nude and say, “Does this appeal to you?” Don’t do that. You could get arrested.
I don’t have a lot of experience asking people out. I’m a serial-monogamous-relationship type and when I do “flirt” with someone or organize some sort of date/meeting, I usually rely on technology to help. I’M WEAK AND SCARED OF REJECTION, OKAY? So I’m the perfect human to give you advice on putting yourself out there. Smiley face emoticon.
But I have been asked out (believe it or not) and I’ve helped friends and Internet strangers alike ask other people out. I’ve made Web videos to help unknown Internet users ask girls and guys to proms and I’ve even helped with marriage proposals.
Here’s an example of what NOT to do. One time I was wearing a horizontal-striped shirt in a bar and a guy said to me, “You must have a lot of confidence.” I said, “Why do you say that?” And he said, “Because horizontal stripes make a girl look fat.” And I thought to myself, not only do I need this man’s number so I can hire him to be my future stylist, but I need his number so I can call him every morning and remind him not to say sh*t like that to girls ever.
He was negging, and negging is stupid (and trust me, I’m not negging you by saying that). “Negging” is a term invented by The Pickup Artist and according to Urban Dictionary it means: “Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.”
It’s as dumb as having a wiener on your forehead.
I’ve devised what I think is a solid method for asking someone on a date. But before we get into this, remember that what you’re doing is cool. You’re putting yourself out there, because you want love and companionship. You’re not a serial killer! And that’s a neat thing to discover about yourself.
Decide
Make the choice.
And be steadfast. (Not to be confused with Stedman–though he also made a choice. But did he? I feel like a choice was made for him. Stop it, Grace. You already spend too much time thinking about Stedman.) You’re going to ask [insert name of the person who makes your privates feel weird] on a date. It’s happening. Yes. Don’t have second thoughts about it. You might not be the most confident person, but at least you’ll have confidence in this decision. And that’s exciting. You’re about to do something terrifying.
YES. I truly believe that when we do things that scare us, even if they turn out poorly, they help us grow. Except for swimming with sharks or holding snakes. Nothing about that will help me grow. People who swim with sharks are dumb. Unless they’re scientists and they’re studying them to help the world on some level. Then that’s cool, I guess. But to swim with them for fun? Get real.
Imagine
Imagine the worst-case scenario.
I used to do competitive gymnastics for a brief moment in time from fifth through eighth grade. I was stunted in my growth back then. Ah, those were the days. My coaches used to tell us to visualize our routines. Picture yourself doing the flip, release, twist, etc., in your mind. Imagine it happening perfectly and your body will follow.
That never happened for me. My brain would imagine it and my body wouldn’t always do it. As I got older, auditioning for TV, film, commercials, and performing live improv and sketch comedy, I would try to imagine myself nailing the audition or show and most of the time it didn’t go that way.
Instead, I started imagining the worst-case scenarios. I imagined myself throwing up on casting directors at the very end of my laxative commercial audition, sh*tting my pants in the middle of an improv scene about my laxative not working, and falling out of my chair and splitting my head open on the set of Chelsea Lately before they cut to the laxative commercial I never booked.
Once I started imagining terrible scenarios, things started to improve. For some complex psychological reason, letting the worst possible scenario play out in my head took the gravity out of the situation.
My friend Mamrie, who is an amazing sketch comedy performer, always says to herself before she goes onstage, If you sh*t y
our pants onstage, you can always move back to North Carolina and start a new life.
I really believe that acknowledging the worst possible thing that can happen frees you from the fear of it. So before you ask your dreamboat on a date, imagine it going terribly wrong. And then imagine it going terribly in another way. If you can do a better job in real life than your two nightmare scenarios, then you’ve succeeded–even if they say no.
Make Peace
Make peace with failure.
It’s possible that the person you ask won’t give you the answer that you’re hoping for. That’s okay. Allow yourself to recognize “no” as a possible outcome. Try searching “wedding proposals gone awry” on YouTube. I don’t say this to deter you, but to allow you to see the flip side.
I’ve always had the mind-set of going into a situation with slightly lower expectations/standards and then letting myself be pleasantly surprised. Don’t set yourself up for failure–just make peace with it as a possible outcome. It might give you more confidence to acknowledge that this could end with rejection. I HATE to reference “YOLO” . . . so I won’t. Just know we’re all going to die someday and it’s better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all.
Plan
Make a plan. Get prepared.
Approach the situation like you would an earthquake or a zombie apocalypse. If you don’t have plans for earthquakes or zombie apocalypses, that’s cool. Just watch any show on TLC and you’ll get some inspiration. However, don’t watch TLC to get dating inspiration. They literally have a show about women going to each other’s weddings just to talk smack about every element of it. Then they vote on who threw the best wedding (aside from their own, of course). Oh, The Learning Channel.
Anyway, you should have a solid(ish) plan of attack for how you’ll be making the approach. Will it be by phone? In person? Over email? Will it happen between classes? Through mutual friends? After a party? Try to be as clear as you can, so things can happen as smoothly as possible. But remember, it’s also nice for spontaneity to play a part, so don’t be discouraged if things don’t go exactly as planned. Be ready, willing, and open. Like a prostitute.
Lie
Lie to your confidence.
Not to the person you’re about to ask out. Don’t do that. Instead, lie to your confidence and pretend that you’re not afraid of what you’re about to do. You got this. You’re a champion, a hero, an organ donor, etc. Pump yourself up and get excited. You’re about to play some emotional sport and you’ve been (kind of) training for this moment. Your heart is Rocky and the other person is the stairs. Google it. CLEAR EYES, FULL HEART, CAN’T LOSE. Except when you lose. True story, that’s the chant my improv team would scream before we went onstage.
Before I do anything I’m afraid of, I listen to some sweet, sweet Jock Jams. Unfortunately for me, listening to Jock Jams has never been ironic. Everyone has their own method of getting themselves amped up (god, I feel like I’m selling you an energy drink), so find yours. Tell yourself you can do this. Remember, if you fail you can start a new life for yourself in North Carolina.
Enjoy
Enjoy yourself!
Or at least try to. If you’re having fun, you’ll probably get a better reaction from your prey/future-potential date. They say laughter is infectious; I like to think positive energy is, too. And it’s great for your potential dates to know that the only thing they’ll contract from you is a great attitude (I’ll take my chlamydia on the side, please).
Have you ever watched a standup comedian or a musician who’s really, really enjoying herself onstage? It’s great! I remember seeing the band Matt and Kim for the first time at a festival in upstate New York four years ago. Kim played the drums with a huge smile on her face during THE WHOLE SHOW. And I loved it! I was so mesmerized by their charisma. Also, I had a huge crush on Matt and then interviewed them afterward, only to find out that they were a couple. But they were such a happy couple that I couldn’t help but admire their relationship.
The same goes for that viral video of the guy dancing by himself at the Sasquatch! Music Festival. He’s having a hilariously great time all alone and eventually hundreds of people swarm his area and it becomes a massive dance party. His energy is infectious.
Positive energy persuades people. Don’t let potential dates turn you down because you weren’t enthusiastic. Let them turn you down because of the chlamydia.
Funny
A sense of humor can be a lethal weapon.
I’m not saying go up to your date with the opening line, “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me. I’ll always be here for you. Will you go out with me?” Sweet Jesus, no. But humor can take a lot of the pressure off the askee. And, personally, I think having a sense of humor is one of the most attractive qualities in a person. And I think everyone else in the world shares my specific beliefs, so you should take this very, very seriously.
Here are a couple pick-up lines for you that are so over-the-top stupid that your future partner won’t be able to help but laugh at them (hopefully, unless they’re terrible humans).
You’re like a fine wine. I don’t know where you came from, you’re hard to open, and you leave a metallic taste in my mouth.
Look, I’m not a cashier but I’ve been CHECKing you out.
(for Internet daters) Do you believe in love at first site?
Is your name Instagram? Because I’d double-tap that.
Just call me the garbage man because I always bag it up. #recycle
Are you tired? Because you’ve been doing a sensible mix of yoga and weight-training in my head all day.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a high-functioning brain. Will you go out with me?
Attempt
Now is the time to go for it.
Whether it’s over email, in person, or on some other social media platform, it’s do or die. You won’t die. So just do it. Go for it and don’t look back. Unless there’s someone stalking you. Then look back and call the cops. Otherwise do it!
Ask! Go! Go! Go! You can do this! I BELIEVE IN YOU. This section isn’t so much informative as it is me yelling at you to do it. DO IT.
Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Why don’t we call gloves hand-shoes?” and then say to yourself, “You can do this.” Be positive, be light, be yourself. Don’t overanalyze, just get it over with. By this point you should probably stop reading this section and JUST DO IT.
X-it
Aka exit!
Don’t linger too long after you get your answer. Whether it’s in real life, text life, email life, etc., let the conversation come to an end, so it can pick back up again on the actual date. Or if they say no, let it go and save face.
This part is kind of hard, because if they say yes, it’s natural to want to keep the positive energy flowing, but save something for the date. Usain Bolt doesn’t blow his load on preliminaries. Go for the gold.
HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT
Remember: DIMPLE FAX
Decide
Imagine
Make peace
Plan
Lie
Enjoy
Funny
Attempt
X-it
#DIMPLEFAX
WORKSHEET
HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT
List three of the WORST possible outcomes for the situation (for example, you’re bold and decide to wear white pants and your bowels are also bold and decide to make an unanticipated appearance outside your body):
1.
2.
3.
List three of the WORST things that have ever happened to you in your whole life:
1.
2.
3.
Whoa, that’s some terrible stuff. Sorry, dude.
List three of the WORST things that have happened in the history of the world (feel free to Google search):
1.
2.
3.
YIKES! OUR WORLD IS MESSED UP. Now asking someone out doesn’t se
em so bad, right? If it still sounds terrifying, I drew this picture for you:
HOW TO
GET READY FOR/GO ON A DATE
OMG! YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE! OMGOMGOMG! What do you wear? What do you shave? What do your feet smell like? Wait, is that smell your feet or your cooter?
There’s a lot to think about! It can be a very stressful experience. I, personally, love dates . . . and equally hate dates. They’re fun when they go well and just plain awful when they don’t.
One of the most memorable dates I’ve ever had was with my first college boyfriend. We met on the indoor track team. At one point in my college career, I thought it’d be NEAT to do sports. I instantly learned it was not. It was a waste of my time, and also I was not as good at track as I thought I was in high school. The only thing I got out of it was a lousy boyfriend.
Except he wasn’t lousy, he was very nice and tall and had pretty blue eyes and was decently fast for an upper-middle-class white boy. We had gotten together over winter break and went on a few pseudo-dates; for example, we went to the McDonald’s drive-through and ordered Happy Meals (BECAUSE WE WERE SO QUIRKY AND FUN) and we went to Boston Market a few times, too.
But on Valentine’s Day we had our first REAL date. I think it was the first date-date I had ever been on. Every other time I’d hung out with a guy, it was in a group situation or supes caz (that’s kid talk for “super casual”). This was the first time a guy I was with had MADE A RESERVATION. WTF? THIS IS CLASSY.
