by Grace Helbig
The next morning, I can always tell if I’ve had a bonkers night by checking my photos. When I reach a crazy-town level of intoxication, I become convinced that I’m an amazing photographer and start photographing everything. And what I end up with are a series of dark, out-of-focus blurs, with one (maybe) relatively decipherable image that hints at the subject I was trying so desperately to capture.
I’ll also find terrible bathroom mirror selfies. I take a lot of those when I’m hurting my liver. I’m a true artist.
Check to see whom you’ve contacted, or who’s contacted you. Did you tweet or post anything incriminating? Did anyone else? Did your annoying friend Meg text you, “where are u???” “r u ok??” “brunch?!” You don’t have to reply right now; it’s just helpful to know whom you’ll have to explain things to later.
Ass
Do you smell like it?
There’s a chance you’ll run into other functioning members of society once you’ve escaped your current situation. I like to carry travel-sized deodorants with me in my bags and car. Not because I engage in WOSs on the regular, but because I regularly forget to put on deodorant in my normal life.
If you can’t locate any deodorant, there are a lot of things that can mask an odor. Or at least sort of mask it. Half mask it. Like the Phantom of the Opera. For instance, soap. You don’t have to wash yourself (unless you really want to take a shower in a stranger’s bathroom, or you have some sort of OCD thing and you have to), but if you rub soap on your wrists and neck it can help! At least I tell myself that.
Other things you can rub on yourself to create a more pleasant odor include, but are not limited to, candles, dish soap, any body splash, mouthwash, Lysol, air fresheners, magazine perfume samples, and scented markers.
Be creative, you can find something. Or just be prepared to run all the way home.
Invent
Invent the story you’ll tell everyone.
You’ll need to step it up and become a professional, inventive narrator, because odds are the true story of what happened last night isn’t that great.
Unless it’s great. Then tell that story. Be proud of your mistakes. Mistakes are what allow us to learn and grow or something. Right. I defer to Deepak Chopra on this one.
But this is my book, so let’s make some stuff up! Remember to keep the story airtight. Don’t allow your friends to find holes. This isn’t Memento. Even though you are remembering things backward. So it’s kind of Memento.
Keep it simple. It’ll be easier to remember.
Also, keep it consistent. Tell the same story. It might slowly become the truth in your mind and help you forget what really happened. Yay!
Now
Now, get out!
You’ve probably already spent more time here than you should have, so skedaddle.
Did you leave yet?
LEAVE.
GO.
GET TO THE outside.
Possible stories
You ran into a troll under a bridge and you both decided to do a half marathon.
You were visiting your local art museum and there was an interactive art exhibit about interpretive dance.
You got dragged into a late-night church contact dodgeball game.
You found a stray dog and took it to a twenty-four-hour vet and then its owner came by and reclaimed it only after you engaged in a heated argument about their neglect.
You were up all night donating to charity.
You left the bar and decided that tonight’s the night you finally respond to your pen pal.
A skunk sprayed you.
You followed someone you thought was Leonardo DiCaprio for hours before you realized it was Michael Fassbender–d’oh!
You spent your night scratching lottery tickets with a talking cat.
Take
Oh, but before you go, feel free to take something.
I’m not saying take money out of a wallet. You’re not a prostitute. Unless you are, then you shouldn’t be reading this. For you, this isn’t a walk of shame, this is a job.
Take some food, or a beverage, or some gum, or a shirt, or a light fixture that’s super cute. The possibility of you ever seeing this person again in real life is inversely related to the retail value of the object you take. The less likely you are to see them again, the nicer the thing you can take. Smiley face emoticon.
* * *
And there you have it. Now scurry back to your own cave via whatever is the easiest, fastest, most private route you can manage.
As embarrassing or regretful as this experience may have been, it’s helpful to remember that you ended the night at their place, not yours. And that was a pro move.
It’s so much easier to escape the situation when you’re at someone else’s place than it is to wake up with a random person in your own bed. If that happens to you, maybe try locking yourself in the bathroom until they leave.
But that’s a chapter for a whole other time. Not that you’ll be reading it later in this book, because I didn’t write that chapter. Should I have written that chapter? Nah. I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU GUYS.
HOW TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME
Remember: WAFER TAINT
Where
Accept
Find
Exits
Resist
Texts
Ass
Invent
Now
Take
#WAFERTAINT
MAD LIBS
WALK OF SHAME
Here’s what happened: It was a regular night out at my favorite bar, [name of bar] , you know, the place that had that [animal] scare that one time? That place. But right when I was about to get my [food] and my [food] , my classic order, I was abducted by [plural noun] and taken to [city/country/planet] , where I was [verb past tense] . The worst part of it was that they drove a [vehicle] . Hello, it’s not [year] ! Inside the [type of building], I met the leader of the [plural noun] , [name] . But everyone called [he/she/it] [nickname] . [he/she/it] was very [adjective] and I couldn’t help but [verb] at [his/her/its] [body part] because it smelled like [adjective] . Also [he/she/it] had a very visible tramp stamp of a [tattoo] . [adjective] . [he/she/it] gave me a specific [noun] and told me I must protect it or risk my [noun] . They clearly don’t know about how I lost [name] ’s [noun] . Woof. But just when I thought they were going to [verb] me, [name] ran into the room and [verb past tense] me. We [verb past tense] all the way back to [city/state/planet] until we found a [adjective] diner named [noun] and had [number] [adjective + animal name] shots. I don’t remember much else about the night, but I owe my [noun] to [name] and my virginity.
20
Digital Dating Tips
In just a few years, the Internet has managed to boil down the age-old tradition of matchmaking to a finger swipe. A finger swipe. Swipe one way or “like” a future potential love interest’s profile, and you might be one step closer to finding love (or a booty call). And if you happen to mis-swipe you could miss your soul mate. What a treat!
The standard rule of thumb for Internet dating is: things may not be exactly as they seem. Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are. Even though I’ve never noticed that. Have you? To me they always seem like they’re at the accurate distance from the mirror. Then again, I have terrible spatial awareness. My legs and arms are constantly bruised from bumping into things on a daily basis. But enough about me, let’s talk more about me.
I created a profile on OkCupid once. It was for a video. I dressed up like Justin Bieber and took a photo and created a profile under the pseudonym Dale Burndart. I filled out next to nothing in the profile, except that I was thirty-five, male, and lived in Brooklyn.
My photo was blurry and unflattering and overall just completely dumb. But to this day, I still get alerts from OkCupid that there are interested ladies who want to communicate with me. I don’t know what’s worse–that these women are looking for love in the wrong place or that my picture so easily tricked them into thinking I was a man. Look, I’ve inherited a lot of my dad’s features. I’m cool with it. My passport photo looks like it belongs to a European male tennis player.
Digital dating can be daunting, so here are twenty quick tips that might help.
1. Ask a friend or two whom you trust and respect to look at your profile. Have them describe it to you in three quick words or phrases without hesitation. Is their description in line with what you’re trying to project to the cyber universe? If not, there’s room for improvement. In a way, you’re selling yourself, so make sure your profile is “on brand” and true to you. Babies “R” Us doesn’t sell dildos. This is a terrible example.
2. If the person you’re pursuing online uses “LOL” unironically more than once either in their profile or in any conversational exchange, you should GTFO. I can guarantee you they’re not laughing out loud, and if they are, then they’re too generous with their laughter. Someone hurt them at some point in their lives. They have baggage. Keep moving.
3. If they have “I love the beach” in their profiles, shut it down. You’re about to engage with a generic human Hallmark card. Unless they’re telling you they like the beach because they have an abnormal deep-seated lust and sexual desire for the beach and are looking for someone else who’s on their unique psychological level, then yes, they should have that in their profile.
4. If you want someone to respond to you, try ending your message with a question. This seems so extremely obvious, but it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of online interaction and just send a message quickly that doesn’t completely set you up for success with a reply.
5. Beware of shirtless and/or bikini profile photos. These intentionally sexy photos may cause you to overlook other important qualities in a potential mate. Remember, bodies get gross over time but the brain is forever-ish.
6. Could you imagine yourself pooping in the room next to them? This really only applies to you if you’re looking for a serious relationship. Relationships are about making yourself vulnerable. And one of the most vulnerable acts is #2-ing in the same vicinity as someone you want to swap body spit with later. Yes, it’s something you’ll both probably try to avoid in the beginning, but the body can only hold out for so long and once you both cross the threshold your bond will deepen. This might sound like a crazy tip, but I truly believe in it.
7. Use emoji sparingly. Dating shouldn’t have to be a rebus. (Google it, I definitely did.) Sure, they’re fun and stupid, but at the end of the day you’re an adult, use your words. It’s cute to date someone who still has a stuffed animal, it’s creepy to date someone who still has fifty stuffed animals.
8. If you set up a date that will take place IRL, try meeting in an open, public place. A place where you can’t be kidnapped (easily) but could still fake a “business” emergency if it isn’t going well and exit the date early without leaving the person awkwardly alone. You’re not that coldhearted after all. Good ideas for an IRL date: a park, a decently popular bar for happy hour, a medium-crowded petting zoo. Bad ideas: a hot-air balloon, their old van, a hedge maze.
9. Google yourself to see what comes up. It’s helpful to know what’s out there about you that a potential future lover might need context or clarity on so they don’t get the wrong impression. For instance, I participated in ONE teeny-tiny beauty pageant ONCE six years ago. I didn’t even tell my closest friends at the time. But the information got onto the Internet a few years ago and now it’s one of the first questions a lot of people ask me about. I was thrown off the first few times it happened, but now I know how to talk about it. And no, I did not win, and yes, I sported a “Jersey pouf” during the evening gown competition. More on this later. Be sure to prep yourself about yourself.
10. Some people are just plain bonk-bonk. (I tried to create a cuter term for “crazy.”) Keep away from the bonk.
11. Be cautious about giving out your phone number. Your phone number is like your virginity–a very sacred item. Remember, it’s much easier to ignore emails or g-chats than it is to deal with someone regularly texting or calling you.
12. Usually people who have anything about religion in their profiles are more religious than you think. Are you ready to go with God?
13. Group mind! Sometimes it’s helpful to work together with friends. I’ve been out to drinks and have watched one friend use her phone to Google and Facebook a potential match to find out how honest he was being on his profile while another friend had the guy’s Tinder profile open and waited with bated fingers. Together we collectively decided he was a “like swipe.”
14. FarmersOnly.com is a dating website only for farmers. It’s real. This is not a tip so much as a fact. A wonderful fact.
15. Don’t let Internet dating become your full-time job. It’s a lot of work, but don’t let it override your work-work. If it’s becoming too much, take a break, go to a bar, observe humans IRL. Once you’re sufficiently socially overwhelmed, return to the keyboard.
16. Don’t imbibe and Internet. Don’t get drunk and peruse the digital meat market. Results may vary. But they’re RAREly good.
17. If a guy posts a lot of photos of himself surrounded by girls, it’s likely that he’s overcompensating for something. He’s already trying very hard to prove to you that he’s fun and people like him and he’s definitely not socially awkward and totally didn’t make these strange girls take a photo with him, because he really does know them. Use your judgment. What would Judge Judy say? She’s an excellent judge of character.
18. You don’t have to go on a second date. There are a lot of people in this world. Don’t settle. You’re great. THIS IS TOO SINCERE . . . *sneeze-fart sound effect*
19. Be honest. Don’t withhold crucial information. If you’re five-foot-eight, say you’re five-foot-eight. Don’t say you’re six-foot and show up wearing heeled cowboy boots like they can’t tell. It’s so much more effort to continuously cover a lie than to try to find a person that likes you for you. And the rewards are so much sweeter. Like a bowl of real Lucky Charms compared to that generic version that tastes like chalk. You know what I’m talking about.
20. All hope is not lost. Keep your chin up. Eventually scientists will make really lifelike pleasure robots and none of us will ever have to worry about dating again!
HOW TO
SURVIVE A BREAKUP
Breakups suck. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Well, one less butt about it. SORRY, TOO SOON.
I had the best/worst breakup experience when one of the most meaningful relationships of my life was coming to an end and my boyfriend and I mutually agreed that it was time to move on after three years. We decided to spend a weekend in the famous Chelsea Hotel in Manhattan, so we could let it all out and try to find some closure. We drank and ate and told each other everything we loved and hated about each other and cried and laughed and yelled and sexed and were hungover together. It was wonderful. And then it was done. And we hugged and kissed and left each other on the corner of Twenty-third Street and Sixth Avenue.
Though we had a good breakup, it didn’t change the fact that I was devastated. My life became a blur. I was drinking for two–myself and my sadness. I felt pretty numb and barely left my apartment for weeks.
During that time, I got a distinct pleasure out of/released some of my anger by watching the revamped version of the classic TV show 90210. My roommate and I would yell at the TV about how much we hated it. “ANNIE LEFT THE PROM HUMILIATED AND INSTANTLY RUNS OVER A HOMELESS MAN WITH HER CAR?! REALLY?!!? WHY IS THERE A HOMELESS MAN CROSSING A DESERTED CALIFORNIA MOUNTAIN ROAD?!”
Little by little I tried to get myself more involved in the improv scen
e and my roommate tried to take me out to his friends’ parties. I’ll never forget the first time I really laughed and felt something close to joy again. After a late night out with my roommate, we stumbled into our local bodega–the only place still open–desperate for something to eat. It barely had any food stocked, besides a weird variety of canned cat foods and black beans. My roommate and I looked at each other and screamed, “BEANS!” in unison, like we hadn’t eaten in weeks. We were holding hands, jumping up and down and celebrating, while the guy at the register tried to understand how we functioned on a daily basis. For the next two months I avoided that bodega. But it proved that the dumbest stuff could bring me joy when I least expected it–and I could laugh again.
Over time, I started to feel less depressed and began dating. And eventually I stopped feeling like I was always holding my breath. Comedy became a great outlet for me, and when I was ready, I found love again with a cool dude.
You may discover that with time, all of those intense emotions and weird/awkward interactions you had are sort of funny. Looking back, the best/worst part of that breakup weekend was when we went to a nearby Whole Foods to buy “breakup food” (aka anything that could be heated up on our hotel stovetop) and ran into a mutual comedy friend. He asked us what we were doing in that neighborhood and my soon-to-be ex said, “Oh, we’re breaking up tonight.” Our comedy friend laughed nervously, because he could tell it wasn’t a joke.
I waited out the entire interaction in silence. I was both extremely hungover from a night of “relationship analyzing” and completely mortified. Unexpected interactions with other people make me anxious under normal circumstances, let alone during a breakup. Comedy friend and I still sometimes reminisce about the very special awkward time we shared at Whole Foods.
