“…It wasn’t…my power alone.”
Subaru murmured it quietly enough that only he must have heard it. When Roswaal knitted his brows as a result, Subaru tightly closed his eyes for a moment, audibly cracked his neck, then continued.
“You acting serious really throws me off. I’m grateful we can move this talk along, mind you.”
“You wouuuund me. Am I not always serious? Besides, I promised, did I not? That I would face you directly the next time.”
“…You as in me and Emilia. Emilia really should be here, but she’s not…”
“Oh myyyy. You are quite mistaken.”
When Roswaal averted his face, apparently uncomfortable at being misunderstood, Subaru’s breath caught a little.
Roswaal closed one eye as he corrected Subaru’s correction, leaving the gaze of his yellow eye alone—that was his tell when he was hiding something deep within himself.
Subaru got a bad feeling when he looked at Roswaal’s eye and considered the earlier statement.
“What do you…mean by that? Why did you go out of your way to leave Emilia out of this?”
“Is it not rather oooobvious? Dirty matters should be discussed only between trusted coconspiiirators. I am not so gracious as to include someone I do not fully trust in such a meeting.”
“You mean you don’t trust Emilia? What the hell are you talking about out of the blue like that?!”
When Roswaal, resting his back against the bed, calmly revealed his opinion, it drove Subaru into a rage. Of course it did. He was practically saying Emilia was not worthy of his trust. He—Roswaal L. Mathers, none other than Emilia’s backer in the royal selection.
“You’re the one who nominated Emilia for the throne! Where do you get off saying that you don’t trust Emilia…!”
Giving in to his anger, Subaru closed the distance between them to say what was on his mind. He violently rubbed his brow with his fingers over and over as if it were a spell meant to convince his head, flush with blood, to calm down.
It was his bad habit to suddenly lose it in the middle of a conversation. Just how much had he run in circles at the royal capital because of that short temper? He focused on deep breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. He did this a second time, and then a third.
“…Let’s…talk about everything in order, starting with this coconspirator business.”
“Very well. Once you understand that point, it should serve as a reply to your earlier misgivings.”
Subaru chained down his anger, which made Roswaal appear quite satisfied. Subaru crossed his arms and glared at the man, silently prodding him to continue.
“Now then, first, the true meaning behind my use of coconspirator in regards to you…it is quite simple. I wish you to continue providing Lady Emilia aid as you have done to date. Do as much as your feelings dictate until the day she sits upon the throne.”
“That goes without saying…but what the hell will you be doing?”
“Naturally, I shall do the same. Lady Emilia shall have my full support for victory in the royal selection so that she may become the ruler of this kingdom. You see, you and I share the same goal. Thus, we are coconspirators.”
“If that’s all you were planning, I’d just call you an ally. Coconspirator means something different.”
Gritting his teeth as Roswaal presented his terms, Subaru controlled the tone of his voice. He didn’t think Roswaal would invoke the word coconspirators if his motives were limited to the proper ones he had just presented. In the first place, there would be no reason to exclude Emilia from the conversation if that were true. Besides—
“What you’re saying is full of contradictions. If you seriously wanted to put Emilia on the throne, what’s your excuse for slacking off before coming here to the Sanctuary?”
“What do you meaaan by slacking off?”
“That’s obvious! It was common knowledge Emilia publicly entering the royal selection would set the Witch Cult off on a rampage! Everyone said, ‘Oh, Roswaal has to have prepared countermeasures,’ so where the hell were they?! If that’s not slacking off, what is?!”
Subaru replied to Roswaal’s feigned innocence with anger as he pounded home the suspicion he’d wanted to express for some time. Once he’d reached a boiling point, his dissatisfaction had only grown and grown without pause—
“For starters, you hid info on the Witch Cult from Emilia, didn’t you? Emilia didn’t know a damn thing about the Witch Cult. She didn’t understand at all what would happen when she joined the royal selection. If she’d known, everything could’ve gone differently! None of that would have had to…!”
As Subaru spoke, those hellish scenes came rushing back to mind, hells he had peered into several times over.
The villagers slaughtered, the children cruelly put to death, how Petra’s corpse had stripped his mind bare, how Ram’s dead body had carved a hole out of his soul, how Rem’s death had robbed him of even the ability to mourn, and how Emilia’s death—
“…You should have been there. If you’d been there, none of that would have happened. So why…weren’t you there…?”
“Barusu…”
The unconcealable pain and anguish in his voice made even Ram’s cheeks stiffen.
No tears flowed from him. However, with a disheveled face, Subaru accused Roswaal. Only Subaru, who had seen those hellish scenes, had the right to accuse him.
“If you’d stayed behind and protected everyone…I…”
“But while I was absent, you fulfilled my duty in my place, exploits that would make even a knight’s heart swell in pride…”
“—! That’s not the point!”
His gratitude for being honored with the prestigious title of knight rapidly diminished.
Certainly, being awarded the knightly title gave firm meaning to that battle. However, to the Subaru of the present, that battle, in and of itself, was a symbol of his mistakes. If that battle had never happened—
“Barusu, please, calm yourself.”
“Ram…!”
When Subaru unwittingly took a step forward, Ram glared at him from right up close. She shielded Roswaal behind her back, quiet anger resting in her pink eyes.
“Master Roswaal is injured. Even so, he can surely put a stop to any violence from one such as you with a single finger… I shall permit no rudeness when I am present, Barusu.”
“You’re okay with this? It’s the same for you, he left you behind like a sacrificial pawn! Roswaal curled his tail and ran from the Witch Cult! Are you telling me I’m wrong?!”
“I accept that without reservation. Ram forgives all Master Roswaal’s deeds, including however she might be treated, or even eventually cast aside.”
“Then you forgive Rem being sacrificed for stupid stuff like this, too?!”
The incomprehensible loyalty in Ram’s reply set off Subaru like nothing else.
He had avoided the issue several times, telling himself it wasn’t the right time, putting off the truth he needed to speak to her about Rem—and how her memory had faded from the world, now existing only within Subaru’s heart.
With the master she had served for many years, even with her older twin sister who was her other half, Rem—
“—? I know not of whom you speak, but no other name means anything to me. To Ram, Master Roswaal is everything, and all others come second.”
The words Subaru had spat out, giving in to his emotions, were cut down by Ram without the slightest hesitation.
Though Subaru had not planned it that way, her words were solid proof there was no memory of Rem within Ram, presenting him with the painful reality he had repeatedly ignored and avoided.
“”
Drained of strength, Subaru retreated a distance greater than the step forward he had made. The sight of Subaru’s shoulders sinking made Ram knit her brows, whereupon Roswaal weightily shook his head.
“Ram, stand aside. This conversation is between him and me only. I permit you to attend, but
I do not permit you to speak. You understaaand, yes?”
“…Yes. I have no excuse for intruding.”
Ram bowed, then attended Roswaal’s bedside once more. As Subaru watched the exchange, he felt something like a breeze blowing through his exceptionally empty chest.
Both of Roswaal’s eyes narrowed at the sight of Subaru hanging his head at that desolate reality.
“Tonight, I respond to you in earnest. This is what I have decided. Thaaaat is why I shall respond to the doubts you toss at me with the truth.”
“…”
“Why did I conceal information from Lady Emilia that I should have disclosed? Why was I absent from the mansion when the Witch Cult was coming to attack? These questions have a single answer.”
Subaru put strength into his neck and lifted up his head. When accepting someone’s reply to your suspicions, you at least had to look him in the eye.
As Subaru did so, Roswaal closed one eye and said…
“—I guided events so they would be resolved without me needing to confront the Witch Cult.”
“…Huh?”
Subaru was dumbstruck, unable to digest the meaning of the words Roswaal had spoken openly while looking him in the eyes.
When he crunched, chewed, and swallowed the words down, tasting their meaning with his brain, the contents permeated his very soul.
“I don’t…get it. Then you mean…what? You ran? You actually did get cold feet when the Witch Cult was coming, and then…? How…could you!”
“Is it truly incomprehensible? That I, among the kingdom’s sages, a prominent man of influence…I, capable of a violent rampage even greater than the menace of the Witch Cult, would avoid battle with the Cult?”
“Damn right it is! You of all people could’ve easily taken care of all of—”
“That is precisely why I did not. Had I resolved the matter, no credit would have gone to Lady Emilia, nor would there be any fame to be won by you, would there? That would have rendered it meaningless.”
“Wh-wha…?”
Subaru genuinely couldn’t comprehend what was being said to him.
The statement would have been a hundred times better if it had been a joke or Roswaal toying with him. But Roswaal’s face showed nothing that could fulfill Subaru’s wish; Roswaal kept one eye closed as he continued.
“The effect was tremeeendous, was it not? Indeed, ever since the Witch Cult was driven off, the attitude of the residents of Earlham Village toward Lady Emilia has been the complete opposite of what it once was. She has gone from a Witch beyond their comprehension to the savior whose efforts protected their very lives…and their assessment of you has similarly risen, yes?”
“Y-you… Do you even understand what you said just now…?”
The jolt inside Subaru’s throat made his voice quiver indistinctly. However, the sounds that were not garbled made Roswaal cock his head, his lack of comprehension clear.
It was that demeanor that gripped the bottom of Subaru’s heart in incomprehensible fear.
Roswaal had essentially said this: His understanding of the menace of the Witch Cult had been in no way deficient. He had anticipated that the Cult would launch an attack. And, so forewarned, he had used the expected disaster for public relations purposes.
But—
“That’s just judging by hindsight. It ended up that way, that’s all. If you’d resolved it all, Emilia definitely…maybe Emilia and the villagers would still be in the same place. But—!”
He recalled the scene from the previous evening—Emilia exchanging words with the residents who had evacuated to the Sanctuary, where they had entrusted their hopes to her.
Certainly, that scene might never have become reality if things hadn’t gone as Roswaal had planned them.
“But that’s all hindsight!! Did you even think about how many people would die because you weren’t there to save them?! Certainly, the casualties were minimized. I worked my ass off for that! But they weren’t zero. People died!”
“Allow me to express my regret for the harm that befell our allies. It is, of course, only natural that our enemies are dead. The Witch Cult force was laid to waste, not a single member surviving. I could not have done it better myself. For this, you seek to apooologize to me?”
“—!! No! No, no, no, that’s not it! That’s not it at all!”
In revulsion, Subaru weakly shook his head, rejecting Roswaal’s words.
Why wasn’t he getting through? Why didn’t he get it? Roswaal’s intent had been just too cruel, too heartless. It was fine to charge straight toward your goal, but couldn’t he just listen?
But this wasn’t simply charging forward. It was as if he was ignoring every obstacle that had fallen upon the roadway before him.
“…If I’d stayed a piece of garbage that couldn’t accomplish anything, where would you be then? The result would be that nobody was saved, not Emilia, not the villagers.”
As a matter of fact, Subaru had laid eyes upon that result multiple times over. If anything, that result was inevitable.
In most worlds, entrusting the matter to Subaru Natsuki had led to the worst-case scenario.
“—I left it in your hands…because I trusted you.”
Subaru wanted to know if that reply was sincere. When he heard it, all he could do was laugh out loud in despair.
“…That means you don’t intend to give me a serious answer.”
“Perhaps it is not the answer you hoped for, but I have stated the truth. I decided that tonight, I would not deceive you in any way. If I cannot speak of something, I shall say so, and if something is inconvenient, I shall hold my tongue, but I swear to you that no words I have spoken are lies.”
Roswaal’s words were solemn. However, they invited too much distrust for belief. From the conversations they’d had to date, Subaru had no faith left over to take his words at face value.
Despite Subaru’s silent distrust, Roswaal’s expression did not falter as he continued.
“I say again: Where this matter is concerned, I made the decision to trust you. I trusted that you would strive for Lady Emilia’s sake, that you would exhaust all efforts to achieve an alliance with Lady Crusch, that you would put your life on the line to successfully fend off the attack by the Witch Cult, and thus increase your renown.”
“What do you know about me?! You’ve known me for only two months. Do I look like a man who can accomplish things like that?!”
Subaru was indignant. He was fed up with eloquent, pretty-sounding phrases that only made his ears hurt.
His teeth were bared, his beady eyes grew tense, and Subaru pointed straight at Roswaal as he howled.
“There’s no way in hell. When you parted ways with me, I was a piece of garbage through and through. It was only after that I changed from garbage to something halfway decent. What came after was only because it was the only thing left to find inside of me— What did you see that lets you trust me like that?”
It wasn’t a discussion. If the other party had no intention of being serious, conversation was futile.
Roswaal’s demeanor toward the raggedly breathing Subaru had not changed one iota. Therefore, that gaze itself was his reply. He intended neither to correct Subaru’s view nor to state the objective truth.
“…It would seem our conversation for this evening is at an impaaasse.”
Roswaal declared the conversation over, almost as if he could see straight into Subaru’s inner being. Subaru had no objection, either. At the very least, not until he was ready to engage in a real conversation.
“Though your esteem of me has plummeted, I cannot call that a pure disappointment… Incidentally, I think I hardly need to confirm, but concerning tonight, Lady Emilia…”
“I’m not saying a word. Like I could tell her anyway. Besides, whatever you’re planning, whether you’re laughin’ behind whatever face you make or not…what matters now is the result of Emilia’s own choices.”
Her determination to chall
enge the tomb’s trial, her promise to liberate the villagers urging her onward from the barrier, her resolve toward the royal selection from that point on—Emilia had chosen all these things for herself.
It was absolutely not because she was dancing to Roswaal’s tune, manipulated by his shady schemes.
“Though you are governed by anger, within your mind, you correctly grasp the situation. For the sake of Lady Emilia’s royal selection, there must be no discord created between her, myself, and the villagers.”
“”
“Meaning you have become an adult—you are a worthy coconspirator indeed.”
“…There’s no good death waitin’ for you.”
“I am aware of this. I shall without doubt fall into hell. Therefore, I must exhaust all efforts to bring my ambition to fruition in this era before that day comes.”
Subaru breathed hard at the stifling situation as Roswaal gave him the adoring gaze a predator had for his prey. Subaru returned that gaze in enmity before turning his back.
The conversation was over. He didn’t want to spend another instant in the man’s presence. But—
“I have one last thing to ask you. I’m not sure you’ll want to give me a straight answer, though.”
“What is it? My earlier promise, to answer truthfully, remains in effect. Ask whatever you wiiiish.”
“It’s about Beatrice.”
The instant Subaru invoked that name, all composure vanished from Roswaal’s face. “Beatrice,” he murmured to himself, regaining the aloof, clownish demeanor that had reigned until the moment before. “You pay a great deeeal of attention to that girl. What is it you wish to ask?”
“I had a chance to speak with her before coming here to the Sanctuary, and though she wouldn’t tell me much…she said all the answers to my doubts can be found here. If you’re in a mood to speak seriously, what do you think she meant by that?”
When their conversation in the archive of forbidden books drew to an end, Beatrice had spoken those words to Subaru with a tearful face. Frederica had also said Beatrice was one of the very few people related to Roswaal with whom he shared his thoughts.
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 10 Page 24
