“Of course. What’s the secret?”
“I’m interested in joining Doctors Without Borders. My dream is to travel all over the world. If I’m with DWB, I’d be able to do both, practice medicine and travel.”
“And your parents wouldn’t like that?”
She laughed out loud. “Not. They don’t want me to go to school out of California, and they sure as hell don’t want me to practice medicine in Africa or somewhere like that.”
“I had no idea. But I guess if they’re paying, what, around forty thousand a year if you go to Stanford for six or more years, they probably believe they have a say in where you go afterward.”
“Uh, yeah, that’s about what they said when I expressed an interest in going overseas after I graduate.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it right now, Steph. They might feel completely different by then.”
“You’re right…Hey, what time do you want me to come over?”
“Anytime. Now, later, it doesn’t matter. I want to visit Edward, so I’ll be gone for about two hours.”
“I’ll be over right away. I have a ton of studying to do, so take your time. My next class is tomorrow morning.”
I felt better after talking with her, especially after the marathon conversation we’d had the other day about my life. Whether the subject was Edward, Weston, or whatever came up, she was always interested. And she’d been privy to a lot of our family drama by now. She was invaluable both as Jessica’s babysitter and a friend to commiserate with in good times and bad.
Visiting Edward felt different this time. Yes, the prognosis was grim, and at times my visits appeared useless. And it was hard seeing a loved one in such a bleak condition. But the situation was not hopeless.
I was constantly reminded of how ever-changing life is, turning this way and that, always surprising you when you found yourself going down a path you never expected to walk. But I had to let go of my need to know exactly where I was headed, put the worries in my imaginary box, and just be happy. Attitude was everything, Cecilia had counseled me. And though Edward’s situation seemed out of my control, I could control how I reacted to it.
Life had veered in a different direction than where he and I had planned—standing in front of a Justice of the Peace with our friends looking on, partying afterwards, cutting a wedding cake, honeymooning in Kauai. But I had to keep those hopes inside my heart, carrying them with me as I lived this “altered” life I’d found myself living.
I stopped at the shopping center on my way to Pleasanton and bought a bouquet of colorful flowers along with a stuffed animal of a Friesian horse. I wanted to liven up his room and lift the spirits of his caregivers.
I wasn’t sure whether anyone besides me had been visiting him. He had no immediate family, and all his friends were co-workers. A few had come by when he was in the hospital, but I doubted anyone would be visiting now that he’d been moved to Pleasanton. It saddened me to think of him spending his life in this environment, but he was alive, I told myself, which was better than the alternative. And I wanted to help him on his way back to me.
After parking in the lot behind the facility, I closed my eyes, took several deep cleansing breaths, and braced myself to enter the building. I was in good spirits when I entered his room, believing one day he’d awaken. I stopped by the nurses’ station to ask how he was doing, and they told me he was the same, nothing new to report.
He looked less pale than when I’d seen him last and the physical therapist explained to me they exercised his arms and legs twice a day, along with electrical nerve stimulation and massage therapy. His hair had been cut and his mustache trimmed. The personnel were a caring and diligent group of people, going the extra mile in an effort to make the patient and family feel reassured their loved one was being looked after with great care.
One of the staff doctors stopped by soon after I arrived. “Are you Brandy Chambers?” she asked, glancing down at the chart she held in her hands.
“Yes. I’m Edward’s fiancé. Has there been any change, doctor?”
Perusing the pages of Edward’s medical paperwork, she sighed. “I’m afraid not. I spoke with Dr. McBride this morning. Given Edward’s last neurological test results, there’s still brain activity. He’s breathing on his own. His condition hasn’t deteriorated since he arrived here. I concur with her prognosis. On the GCS scale, we’d rate his condition a nine.”
“What’s the GCS scale, doctor?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. It stands for Glasgow Coma Scale which runs from one to fifteen. The higher the score, the better the recovery.”
“So he’s right there in the middle,” I said, hoping that was a good sign.
“Ms. Chambers, we know less about comas than we do about a lot of medical conditions. Mr. Barnes is in a coma because we believe a bullet fragment nicked his spinal cord. Eleven thousand Americans a year sustain spinal cord injuries, leaving fifty-two percent of them paraplegic and forty-seven percent quadriplegic. However, each SCI patient—” She paused when she noticed me frowning. “SCI stands for spinal cord injury. Each SCI patient’s situation is different, and it’s almost impossible for us to make a clear prognosis.”
This was the first time anyone had rated Edward’s future status. There was no way to know whether he’d remain comatose for the rest of his life, and the stark reality of the statistical evidence for his recovery wasn’t impressive.
“You never really know, though, do you? He could suddenly wake up.”
She looked me straight in the eyes, sympathy written all over her face. “You can torture yourself not knowing, Ms. Chambers, hoping someday we’ll tell you something different.” She shrugged. “And you may be right. Miracles do happen.”
It hadn’t happened yet, but the glimmer of hope flickered brightly inside my soul, refusing to be extinguished. “Yes, they do happen, doctor,” I replied, giving her a wide smile.
She nodded once and left the room. I followed behind her and gently closed the door. I wanted to be alone to talk with Edward without any disruptions from passersby or staff.
I rose up on tiptoe to sit next to him on the bed and wriggled up close to his side then took hold of his hand in my lap, enjoying the warmth of his palm.
I slid my fingers through the sides of his hair then bent down and kissed him lightly on the lips. Every facet of his face was unflawed by the shooting. He was so handsome. My insides twisted, seeing him lying so placid and still. I yearned to gaze into those gorgeous blue eyes, to see his smile, or that grin after he made one of his silly jokes.
“Maybe you can hear me, Edward, and when you wake up you’ll repeat every word I said. I hope so anyway.” I paused and glanced out the window at the cirrus clouds threading through a light blue sky. “You wouldn’t think I’d ever be at a loss for words, would you?” I chuckled. “Hell, I was on the debate team in college.”
Looking back at his unchanged expression, tears clouded my vision and I dabbed at my eyes with the edge of my shirt. “I love you, honey. More than life itself. I want you to come back to me. And it doesn’t matter to me if you can walk or wave your arms or crack those stupid jokes. I don’t care.” I took in a shuddering breath. “I just need to be with you.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks onto the folded-over sheet. “Please, please wake up. I miss you so much, I feel empty inside and I’m lonely without you. I feel as though I’ve been cut in half. I’m no longer whole without you by my side.” I laid my head on his chest, heard his steady breathing. His chest rose and fell just as it had after we’d made love on the couch on Christmas Day.
“I’ll wait for you, Edward,” I whispered. “Forever if I have to.” I sat up, and laid my palm on the side of his cheek, memorizing every nuance of his face. “When you wake up we’re going to get married. I promise it’ll be the most beautiful wedding ever. I’ll be wearing a dress that will knock your socks off.” I laughed out loud.
“Then you and Jessica and I will go somewhere by the ocean,
maybe Kauai, where the beaches have really white sand and the water’s greenish-blue like in the pictures. You and I will make love under the stars on the lanai and fall asleep to the sound of the waves lapping outside our cottage on the beach.
“We’ll take Jess into the warm water, and she can tiptoe along the edge of the surf between us, her tiny toes digging into the sand, and she’ll squeal and laugh every time the water rushes up to grab her feet.”
I closed my eyes, leaned my head up toward the ceiling and took a deep breath then looked back at his gorgeous face. “I swear to God, Edward, I know in my heart you can hear me. You might not be able to answer but the words are getting into your head anyway. I just know it.” I held his face in both my hands, kissed his lips then pulled back a few inches. “I’m waiting, sweetie. I promise you, I won’t leave you. Ever. I love you so much. I need you. Jessica needs you.
“When you wake up I’ll get here as soon as I can, okay? I swear this to you—you and I will grow old together, dammit. We’ll watch our daughter grow up and go to college, move out, get married. And you and I will sit in our rockers on the front porch talking about the first thing you did after you woke up.”
I kissed his forehead, both his cheeks, then a lingering kiss on his soft lips. “No matter where I am I’ll be thinking about you, knowing you’ll come out of this. Remember, I’ll always love you. And I’m waiting.”
I slid off the side of the bed, walked to the door, and turned toward him. “Until then, my love,” I whispered, kissed my fingertips then blew the kiss his way.
Chapter 55
During the drive home, I thought about Jessica, almost eight months old now, and her future relationship with her father. I decided to phone Dr. McBride to talk with her about my idea. I didn’t know how long I’d be playing both mommy and daddy but I didn’t think Jessica should be separated from her father for who knew how long. When Edward awoke from the coma, I wouldn’t want him to be a complete stranger to her. I was determined not to allow a hollow core bullet dash Edward’s plans to be a father to his child.
I decided to turn the time I had spent with Edward in the past into writing the best book I could possibly create, poring my emotional intensity into making my third novel the publishable success I believed it could be. I’d prepare for the book signing Borders had scheduled in March and revise my website to include enticing snippets of my second novel.
Life had been so busy since Edward came into my life and having a child was such an engrossing experience albeit a happy one for me. Now that Jess was crawling, and walking was on the horizon, Cecilia and I had talked about having the two babies play together while she and I visited.
Jessica’s world was slowly opening up as she grew older therefore opening up mine to the outside world too. Writing was such a solitary endeavor. Sometimes weeks would pass before I realized I’d been sequestered in my personal bubble inside the house on the MacBook, not having interacted with anyone but Jessica.
When I got home, the baby was napping. I paid Stephanie, thanked her for all her help, and sent her on her way then called Cecilia to see if she’d like to get together. After a few rings, she picked up and we made a date to meet at Peet’s the next day for coffee, both anxious to hook up again, getting reacquainted after everything we’d been through.
The following day I put Jess in the jogging stroller and made it to Peet’s by ten o’clock. Cecilia had taken Amylynn for a doctor’s appointment and was already standing in line to order. The moment I saw her I realized how much I’d missed our talks. Since Amylynn had been in the hospital and Edward had been shot we hadn’t spent any time together.
I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug. “I’ve missed you so much, Cece. You look great.”
She smiled. “Thanks, Bran. I started running a few weeks ago, one of my New Year’s resolutions. And I feel better than I have in a long time. How about you? How’s Edward doing?”
“It’s been too long since we’ve talked.” We picked up our coffees and snagged a window table. “I’m visiting him as often as I can in Pleasanton. It’s so weird. He looks like he could wake up at any moment. He’s not on a ventilator, he has no bandages around his head or anything. I come into the room and it’s the oddest sensation. I expect him to open his eyes and crack a joke or something.”
I took Jess out of the stroller and set her on my lap. Cecilia did the same with Amylynn and we glanced at each other and laughed. I handed each of the babies a biscotti and nodded toward Amylynn. “She’s all better?”
Cecilia’s wide smile lit up her face. “She’s just fine. And I want to thank you for all your support when she was sick. I know I can always call you no matter what. You never make me feel stupid when I’m freaking out.”
I wiped Jessica’s face with a napkin and handed one to Cecilia who did the same. It was like watching a mirror image of myself, sitting across from her with her baby in her lap. She and I now shared an extra bond that tightened our relationship more than before the girls were born.
“I feel guilty I haven’t been out to visit Edward in Pleasanton yet,” she said. “Amylynn was sick and took a few weeks to completely recover then the doctor advised me to keep her away from any health facility just in case her immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight off another virus. Then Perry started working a bunch of overtime so—”
“Alameda Hospital didn’t allow infants in the ICU anyway, Cece. And now that he’s all the way out in Pleasanton, I don’t expect you to visit him.”
“I know, but I’d like to see him.”
“Well, you know what?” She raised her eyebrows. “I talked to Dr. McBride and she’s allowed me to bring the baby to see Edward. I’m so jazzed.”
She grabbed my forearm and smiled. “What a great idea! Maybe having his daughter in the same room with him will make a difference.”
I nodded. “I was thinking the same thing.”
“When are you going?”
“This afternoon. I have the perfect outfit picked out for her to wear. It’s that little pink dress you bought her after she was born.”
“The one with the pink cowgirl boots to go with it?”
I took a sip of my latte and turned the biscotti around for Jessica to chew on the dry end. “Don’t you think she’ll look so cute with her auburn curls against the pink?”
She reached out and fingered one of Jessica’s corkscrew strands of hair. “Did your hair look like this when you were little too?”
“I have several pictures I found when I went through my mother’s things after she died. Jess is my clone, I swear.”
She patted my hand. “Lucky little girl.”
“Wanna switch?” I asked, pointing at Amylynn.
I reached over for Amylynn and Cecilia stood up and lifted Jessica off my lap. We both proceeded to wipe biscuit crumbs from their faces.
“How’s the accounting work coming along for Saxton Inc.?”
“Perry’s doing extremely well. He’s thinking about hiring an assistant to take my place so I can devote myself entirely to the baby.”
“Good for you,” I said, smiling. “It’s hard to get much done when you’re constantly getting up and down, isn’t it? It’s more work than I imagined.”
“How’s your third book coming along?”
“I get enough written when she’s napping and then late at night after she goes to bed. I’m looking forward to my book signing at Borders.”
She put down her mug, her mouth half-open. “You have a book signing at South Shore?”
Grinning, I said, “March fifteenth. Will you be there?”
She gave me a withering look. “As if I’d miss it.” She paused and smiled. “This is so much fun. We should start jogging together. Then we’d see each other every day.”
I laughed. “You’re on. You have a jogging stroller too, right?” She nodded. “Then we should start tomorrow.”
We spent the next hour people-watching, talking about our neighbors, new movi
es, and generally just being girlfriends again. I couldn’t wait to take Jessica to visit her father that afternoon. I hoped it wouldn’t scare her, seeing him lying in bed, unresponsive, but if I approached this experience with a positive upbeat attitude, perhaps she’d see it as an adventure and not be afraid of him.
Chapter 56
After Jessica woke from her nap, I dressed her in a white blouse with short sleeves, a pink vest and skirt, and slipped a tiny pair of pink cowgirl boots on her feet. Her auburn curls framed her perfect little face, she looked like a living doll. Then I took several pictures with my digital camera, planning to print them up and pin them to the wall over Edward’s bed.
The drive to Pleasanton went by quickly. My anticipation escalated as the freeway exits I knew by heart whizzed by. Hopyard Road came into view. After parking in the back lot of the facility, I carried the baby in with me, wanting her to feel secure in an environment she was unaccustomed to.
I stepped up to the front desk and the receptionist’s face lit up with a broad smile. She recognized me, but I’d always come alone before today. “Who do we have here?” she asked, standing and leaning on the counter. She gazed into Jessica’s unsmiling face.
“She’s a little shy,” I answered. “This is Edward’s daughter, Jessica. Dr. McBride said I could bring her to visit him.”
She nodded then tapped the toe of one of Jessica’s pink boots. “What a great idea. Your daddy’s gonna love your boots, Jessica.” She sat down and looked up at me. “I think it’s so cool, bringing her to see her father.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “So much of the time our coma patients are completely forgotten by their families.” She looked from side to side then added, “Personally I believe they can hear everything we say to them even if they are in a coma. My girlfriend’s boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident and in a coma for six months. When he woke up he repeated every single thing she’d told him about how she seduced him the night they met.”
I laughed and shook my head. “I believe Edward will remember his daughter visiting him, too. And I want her to get used to seeing her daddy even though he’s not living at home with us right now.”
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