by Miranda Lee
John hadn’t really thought about it at all. ‘I will bow to your better knowledge on the subject. But you’re not over forty yet, Scarlet. Not by a long shot. There’s no reason to panic.’
‘I have every reason to panic.’
‘Look, if you’re so damned desperate to have children, then why don’t you just go out and get yourself pregnant? You’re gorgeous-you’ll have all the offers you could want.’
Scarlet gave him a totally scandalised look, determinedly ignoring the fact that he thought she was gorgeous. ‘You think I would risk falling pregnant to just anyone, potentially also risking my sexual health? No, thank you very much. I have no intention of doing that.’
‘So you’re just going to wait till Mr Right comes along?’
‘Actually, John, I have no intention of doing that either.’
‘Oh? And what, pray tell, are you going to do?’
‘If you must know, I’m already doing it.’
‘Already doing what?’
Scarlet knew she’d just backed herself into a corner. Her and her big mouth! John always did have this bad habit of making her want to bring him down in flames, which was very immature of her. They weren’t bickering children or rival classmates any more. They were grown up people.
Suddenly, it didn’t seem such a bad idea to tell him what she was up to. John wouldn’t tell anyone else, not if she asked him not to. Frankly, it would be good to talk to someone other than her mother, someone more objective. John was an intelligent guy; he would see the sense in her plan. Scarlet needed reassurance at that moment that she was doing the right thing.
‘The thing is, John,’ she said, still slightly hesitant. ‘I… Urn… I’ve decided to have a baby by artificial insemination.’
When he said nothing, she turned her face to look at him. He was frowning, like he didn’t understand the concept at all.
‘I investigated it thoroughly on the Internet first,’ she rattled on, feeling compelled to explain it more fully. ‘Trust me when I say I’ve given this a lot of thought and research. Anyway, I found a local clinic where they had a whole catalogue of sperm donors to choose from. All their background information was listed: their physical characteristics, health records, intelligence levels. I picked one out which I liked the sound of. He’s American, tall, good-looking, with dark hair, blue eyes and an IQ of a hundred and thirty. Some of them had higher IQs-most of the donors are university students-but I didn’t want a child who was a genius, just one smart enough to do well in life without having to struggle.’
‘If you’ve already decided on this course of action, Scarlet,’ John said when she finally stopped talking, ‘then why were you so upset over Melissa’s pregnancy?’
Scarlet sighed. ‘I guess you might as well know the rest. The thing is it hasn’t worked so far. I’ve failed to fall pregnant twice now and I… I… Well, when Melissa showed me her ultrasound pictures, I began to worry that something was wrong with me and I would never be a mother, and I… I…’ Scarlet broke off when she choked up again.
‘For what it’s worth, Scarlet,’ John said quietly into the sudden silence, ‘I admire that you’ve taken positive action to get what you want in life. You have courage. At the same time,’ John couldn’t help himself from telling her, ‘I think you’re being quite selfish in deliberately having a child who will be denied a father figure in his life.’
Scarlet was both astonished and angered by this unexpected criticism. ‘I wouldn’t say that having a father figure in life is the be-all and end-all. I would have thought that you, of all people, would appreciate that.’
‘Touché. But I did have a grandfather. Your baby won’t even have that.’
‘Maybe not, but it will have a wonderful grandmother.’ Only one, though, she realised. Her paternal grandparents had both died some years ago.
‘True,’ John agreed. ‘But what about when she’s gone? What then?’
‘I can’t think about then,’ Scarlet snapped.
‘Just like your fictional name-sake.’
She glared at him. ‘I thought you would understand.’
John shrugged. He wasn’t sure why he found the idea of Scarlet having a baby with Mr IQ-of-a-hundred-and-thirty so uncomfortable, but his whole body objected.
‘Wanting a baby is not exactly complicated. It’s a basic drive in most women. And quite a lot of men too, I’m told,’ she added caustically.
‘I dare say you’re right. Look, it’s obvious that you’re determined on this course of action, so I have a suggestion to make which I think would be infinitely preferable to your being impregnated by some stranger who will impart nothing to your child’s life but a set of genes, which may not be as desirable as they read on paper. After all, what do you really know about this sperm donor? Nothing of any depth, that’s for sure. You don’t know his background or his family or his mental health. Perhaps it is a blessing that you haven’t conceived his child so far.’
Scarlet could not believe that John was being so negative. All life had some risk, didn’t it? There was no such a thing as a perfect plan, or a perfect partner, or a perfect anything! She had no idea what his counter-suggestion was going to be, but if he thought she was going to change her mind about trying for a baby then he was delusional.
John knew that what he was about to propose would shock her. He was pretty shocked at it himself. But something deep inside him was driving him on-the thought of Scarlet having a baby to some anonymous stranger was repulsive. She deserved better than that. She deserved…
‘So, Scarlet, in the interest of the future happiness and security of your offspring, I propose that you ditch your present sperm donor in favour of… me.’
Scarlet could not have been more shocked if he’d suggested immaculate conception. She just stared at him with rounded eyes, looking for the catch. Or the joke.
‘You have to be kidding me!’ she exclaimed at last.
‘Actually, no,’ he said, feel perversely pleased with his offer now that he’d made it. ‘I’m not.’
‘But… But… Why?’
‘Why not? I qualify, don’t I? I’m tall, reasonably good-looking, with dark hair and blue eyes. Unfortunately my IQ is a good bit over a hundred and thirty but that’s a moot point. I promise I won’t interfere with the way you bring up the child, so it won’t be so different to what you had planned. Though I would like to see the child occasionally. On top of that, he or she’ll have a second pair of grandparents living just across the road. And, whilst my father wasn’t a great father, I saw today that he has the makings of a great grandfather. That can happen sometimes, you know. His father-my grandfather-admitted to being a pathetic parent but he came into his own as a grandparent.’
Scarlet shook her head from side to side. ‘I’m having serious trouble taking this all in.’
‘Take your time.’
Scarlet blinked, then frowned. ‘I still can’t see why you would offer to do this.’
‘I am capable of kindness, you know.’ Or so Bianca had believed.
‘This is more than just being kind,’ Scarlet said, trying to get her head around John’s offer. Who would have believed he would do such a thing? She shook her head from side to side. ‘I have to confess that I’m tempted. Mum would certainly be more comfortable with you being the father than some stranger.’
‘I would imagine so. She quite likes me, you know. Has done ever since I promised to look after you on the school bus.’
Scarlet rolled her eyes at him. ‘I seem to recall you weren’t thrilled at the time.’
‘I didn’t mind.’
‘Rubbish! Come now, John, you’ve never been the Good Samaritan type. Which makes your offering to be my sperm donor all the more puzzling. Heavens, I don’t know what to think or what to say.’
‘Just say yes, Scarlet.’
‘But it’s such a difficult decision. I mean… it’s a big thing to have a child together. Different if we were in love.’
John snorted.
‘As we both know, being in love is no guarantee of future happiness. People fall out of love all the time.’
‘It’s still important for parents to like and respect each other.’
‘You think I don’t like and respect you?’
‘We haven’t exactly been the best of friends over the years.’
‘But that’s all in the past, when we were just stupid kids. We got along very well today, didn’t we?’
‘Yes,’ she agreed reluctantly. ‘Yes, we did. Oh Lord, I still don’t know. If we go ahead and do this, what on earth are we going to tell everyone?’
‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Your priority at this point is becoming pregnant. Your body obviously isn’t clicking with the sperm donor you chose,’ he went on with cool, corrupting logic. ‘You need to try someone different.’
Scarlet knew that, if she failed to get pregnant again with her chosen sperm donor, she’d regret not accepting John’s offer. It was a case of do now, or possibly die childless!
‘Okay. Okay. I’m going to throw caution to the winds and just say yes.’
‘Great,’ John said, feeling more excited than when he’d found oil. ‘So what’s the plan?’
‘I’ll contact the clinic first thing tomorrow morning and arrange for a time for you to go in and give them a sperm sample. Then, when-’
‘Hang on!’ John interrupted immediately. ‘That’s not how it’s going to be done at all!’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I have no intention of becoming a father via a turkey baster. Or a syringe. Or whatever they use these days. If we’re doing this, let’s do it right.’
‘You mean you… you want to have sex with me?’
CHAPTER SIX
JOHN smiled wryly. ‘Don’t sound so shocked, Scarlet. I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you today, not to mention for years while we were growing up.’
Scarlet blushed furiously, shocked, yet secretly elated to discover that the feelings which had so blindsided her today had been returned for so long.
‘But don’t start thinking that I’m doing this just because of that-because I’m not.’ Even as the denial left his mouth, John suspected he was morally skating on thin ice here. If what he was saying was strictly true, then why not just do what she suggested-go to this clinic and give them a sperm sample?
The truth was he did want to have sex with her. At the same time, he did also believe that normal intercourse was the best chance Scarlet had for falling pregnant. Clearly, the coldly clinical method hadn’t worked. She needed to relax, to enjoy herself.
John decided to be bluntly honest with her. ‘Not that I won’t enjoy having sex with you,’ he admitted. ‘But that’s not the only reason I’m suggesting we actually sleep with each other. It’s because I think you’re more likely to fall pregnant that way. Which is what you want, isn’t it? To have a baby?’
John’s saying the word ‘baby’ dragged Scarlet back to the present. She’d been off in another world ever since he’d confessed to wanting to have sex with her since they were teenagers. ‘What? Oh yes, yes, that’s what I want,’ she said. ‘A baby.’
‘So what do you say, Scarlet?’
‘I don’t know…’ The idea of actually sleeping with John made her head spin.
He sighed. ‘What don’t you know?’
‘I don’t know what I don’t know!’ she blurted out, feeling totally confused and conflicted.
‘Look, I can understand that my suggestion has come as a bit of a shock to you, so why don’t we go somewhere for coffee and talk about it rationally?’
‘I don’t think I’m capable of being rational about this. You’ve totally blown me away. I have to think about this on my own.’
John nodded. He wanted her to say yes with a depth of desire which shocked him; something in him was demanding that he-and only he-should give Scarlet the baby she so desperately wanted. However, much as he hated it, she needed time.
‘I’ll take you home.’
Scarlet sighed. The idea of going home and facing her mother while she was trying to decide something so huge didn’t appeal either.
‘How about we drive to Erina Fair and see a movie? You can pick something you’ll like, some macho action flick with lots of car chases and killings. You can get all involved in that whilst I sit in the dark and think.’
He laughed. ‘You are such a sexist, Scarlet. I happen to like a wide range of movies, not just macho action flicks, as you put it.’
‘Oh sure,’ she said in droll tones.
‘I’ll prove it to you.’
He surprised her by choosing a romantic comedy, one of those friends-into-lovers plots which had become popular lately. Scarlet might have enjoyed it if there hadn’t been so many sex scenes, all of which were extremely raunchy. Clothes were stripped off at regular intervals as the two friends had wildly uninhibited sex in every conceivable place and position: on the floor. On the sofa. In a lift. Even in a meadow.
Of course, each of them had perfectly toned and buffed bodies which photographed beautifully from every angle; no doubt they were faking their orgasms. But still… it was obvious they knew what seriously fantastic ones felt like, and sounded like. Did people really make loud noises like that? Scarlet never had. Before long she began worrying that, if she agreed to John’s proposal, he might expect her to be like that girl on the screen. And she wasn’t, not even remotely. Her breasts were a lot smaller, for starters; her body wasn’t as gym-bunny perfect and she certainly didn’t come every single time. Actually, she didn’t come very often at all, and never during actual sex. The ending annoyed her as well: it was pure Hollywood fiction where the protagonists fell in love and lived happily ever after. As if that ever happened!
‘Is that what you’re afraid of?’ John said as they left the theatre. ‘That if we have sex you might fall in love with me?’
Laughter spluttered from Scarlet’s lips before she could smother it.
‘Right,’ he said drily. ‘Obviously, that’s not what you’re afraid of.’
‘No,’ she said. Her fears had nothing to do with love. She stopped walking to turn and look up at him with thoughtful eyes. ‘You have to admit that I don’t really know the adult you, John. You’re somewhat of a mystery man these days.’
‘Not as much of a mystery man as your university student.’
‘True. But I would still want to know more about your life in South America before I agreed to your being the father of my child. After all, your proposal is not the same kind of a deal as I would have had with my student donor. He doesn’t want to be a part of my child’s life. But you do, even if it is only in a limited way.’
‘Okay, let’s find a place to have some coffee and I’ll tell you all about myself.’ Even as he said this, John knew damned well he was not going to tell her the absolute truth. She could know about his work; nothing but good news there. Scarlet certainly didn’t need to worry that he couldn’t support a child financially. But no way was he going to tell her about Bianca. He could hardly bear to think about what had happened to that poor woman. Talking about it was out of the question.
Still, Scarlet would probably want some idea of his past love life. So he’d confess to a succession of girlfriends over the years, none of whom he’d fallen in love with, most of whom had broken up with him because of his inability to commit. That should do the trick of explaining his present partnerless existence, and did have a great deal of truth in it-though one could hardly call the sexual partners he’d had in the last decade ‘girlfriends’.
‘That pizza place over there looks open,’ he said and took her arm.
Scarlet stiffened inside at his touch. Her whole body flared to life at the thought of how much more of her he would be touching if she agreed to his proposal. Just the thought of getting naked with him made butterflies erupt in her stomach.
Suddenly, she couldn’t do it.
‘No, John,’ she said, and pulled her arm away
from him.
‘No what?’
‘No, I’ve decided not to accept your offer. Thank you for making it; it was amazingly generous of you. But it’s just not going to work for me. Please don’t argue with me about this or tell me I’m being irrational. Because if you do I know I’m going to burst into tears again.’ Which was true. Her emotions, already fragile, were in danger of embarrassing her once more.
She couldn’t tell what John was thinking. His face had always been hard to read.
‘I see,’ was all he said. ‘Well, it’s your life, Scarlet. You do what you think best.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, struggling to keep the tears in check.
‘No point in going for coffee then, is there?’ he said brusquely. ‘I’ll take you home.’
CHAPTER SEVEN
SCARLET’S mother was still up watching television when she let herself into the house. Which perhaps was just as well. It stopped her breaking down, which was what stupidly she wanted to do again.
Her mother looked up at her from the sofa. ‘You’re home earlier than I expected.’
Scarlet glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only just after nine.
‘Yes, well, there’s not all that much to do around here on a Sunday night,’ she said as she walked behind the kitchen counter and reached for the kettle. ‘We didn’t feel like eating or drinking any more so we went to a movie.’
‘Any good?’
‘So so,’ she said, filling the kettle with water then turning it on. ‘What movie are you watching?’ Her mother always watched a movie at eight-thirty on a Sunday night.
‘A very boring slice-of-life story which I’m just about to turn off.’ Which she did. ‘If you’re making tea, make one for me too, please.’
‘Okay,’ Scarlet said, thinking she really had to get herself to bed before the third degree began in earnest.
Janet twisted round on the sofa so that she could watch her daughter’s face. ‘I was surprised to see you getting on so well with John today.’
