I had thought about what I would say when I saw Cole again for the first time—replaying the scene in my head over and over until I had my lines down pat. I would be witty. I would sparkle. With a few short phrases, I would make him realize all that he had been missing. Instead, I stood frozen in alarm.
Thankfully, Lexi spoke because my words were left back on the ground ten thousand feet below us. “We almost missed the flight. Airport traffic was a mess.”
He gave a slight nod before turning to face his brothers. I studied his profile unchecked while my heart threatened to burst from so much need and want. Flashes of the past exploded into my brain: Cole’s full sexy smile and deep laugh as we shared a private joke. The way he pressed me against him when we kissed. Cole stripping me bare before taking the time to gaze at my body with wonder.
Cole addressed his twin. “Dude, did you steal all the food and magazines out of my carry-on? Very funny, by the way, filling my bag with porn magazines. The grandmother I’m sitting next to really appreciated it.”
Evan snickered. “Payback for the first class upgrade, bro. You had it coming.”
“Do you have my shit or not?” Cole was one of the most laid-back guys I had ever met, so I was taken aback by the harshness in his voice. Evan was annoying, but the brothers usually playfully riffed on each other. Evidently, Cole 2.0 wasn’t handling the stress of vacationing with his ex as well as I assumed.
I wanted nothing more than to pull Cole aside and really talk to him. Ask him what had been going on with him since we broke up. I knew nothing of his life at the moment and it ripped me apart inside.
I was confused over the reason Cole decided to come on the trip. I didn’t have a choice. Lexi, Delia and I were all part of Autumn’s wedding party. And although the brothers had become good friends with Blake through Delia, I doubted Blake would have cried himself to sleep if the twins bowed out. They weren’t in his wedding party, but Blake had extended the invite because the twins had become a part of our core group of friends since Levi and Delia fell in love.
“Here’s your crap,” Evan said, handing over a pile of snacks and magazines that had been shoved into the seat pocket in front of him. “Do you need a Xanax too? Because if this is a preview of the next seven days, I’m ditching you all as soon as we get off the plane.”
“That’s unlikely. You already told me your plan was to go after the castoffs left behind by Blake and his football buddies,” Levi said. Delia’s eyes fluttered closed as if she was searching for inner strength to tolerate Evan.
Evan shrugged unabashedly and gave me a leering wink. With a sigh, I turned back around in my seat. As I slumped down in my chair, Lexi gave me a meaningful look. I knew she wanted an emotional inventory on me as soon as possible, to see how I was feeling after seeing Cole for the first time. I peeked around her profile to look at Cole. While Evan was handing over his stuff, Cole kept darting sideways glances in my direction. Each time I caught his eye, the air in the plane cabin felt thinner and I struggled to take a breath. He smirked at me and the coil in my chest tightened painfully. I hated that he seemed to enjoy my discomfort. Like watching me squirm was much better than the in-flight movie selection. There was no way I was surviving a week on a boat with him.
“Bye. I’ll catch up with everyone later,” Cole said with practiced politeness before stalking back to the front of the plane. I struggled to swallow as I watched him go.
I’d seen my friends destroyed over love. I’d picked them up off of the ground when all they wanted to do was dissolve into a puddle of abject misery. I'd dried their tears, loaned them my skimpiest outfit and matched them drink for drink at the nearest dive bar. I had been a fool to think I was immune. Like I had a thick enough skin that rejection would never get to me.
And Cole was rejecting me. As loath as I was to admit it, I had in the back of my mind an irrational hope about the two of us. Like we would finally see each other again and all the drama of the past would be forgotten in an instant. But with barely a word to me, he was making it clear that although he may have protected my secret about why we broke up, he had no plans to rekindle what we had.
Seeing him again was only feeding the pain. Why couldn’t I look at Cole and feel nothing? There were no second chances between us and I had to accept it. I moved on before from broken relationships and I could do it again.
I stood up and flagged over the nearest flight attendant. I handed over my credit card with a strained smile and said, “I’d like five vodkas and orange juices for me and my friends.”
I heard Evan whoop behind me. “Finally, Casey’s back!”
Lexi grabbed a hold of the hem of my t-shirt and yanked me down close to her face. “I want us to have fun, but I am giving you two rules,” she said into my ear. “One, I will not be holding back your hair all night because you decided to drink away your problems. Two, I will intervene if you try to join the mile high club with the jackass twin. He may look like Cole, but repeat after me: ‘He is not Cole.’”
I didn’t reply as the flight attendant started handing out our drinks. After mixing together the orange juice and vodka, I held up my glass and said with an artificial smile, “Let’s drink to Autumn and Blake. May we all be lucky enough to find our own true love.”
I pointedly ignored Lexi mumbling “trainwreck” under her breath and didn’t wait to see if anyone else was drinking. I downed the drink in one long gulp. Let the vacation from hell officially begin.
Chapter Three
“Welcome to paradise, bitches!” I drunkenly called as I made out Autumn and Blake in the distance. Evan and I had been matching drink for drink for several hours now. The airline had cut us off eventually, but we picked up where we left off at the airport bar until our shuttle bus arrived to transport us to the cruise terminal.
After checking into our cruise, our group had headed up to the boat’s lido deck to wait for the rest of the wedding party to arrive. The wait staff had been persistent in passing out fruity tropical drinks and I’d been gulping each down like water. Unfortunately, the alcohol hadn’t stopped me from closely watching Cole out of the corner of my eye. He had been in the process of moodily brooding in a lounge chair about ten feet from me.
The slight Autumn looked almost comical surrounded by Blake and a half-dozen hulking football players. Autumn’s blonde hair was more of a dark gold to my butter- blonde corkscrew strands. I’d gone through a phase where I'd tried to relax the curl into waves and added pink streaks, but for the last few months I'd let the pink wash out and counted on the sun to catch all the highlights by itself. My hair fell well past my shoulders.
Autumn was laughing giddily at something Blake was saying and I felt a razor-sharp pang beneath my buzz. Autumn deserved to be happy more than anyone I knew and I hated coveting what she had. But I wanted someone who made me glow from the inside out. Someone who would uncover the real Casey and not the fake persona I'd cultivated over the years.
Cole and I may have only been a couple for a short while, but I felt more sparks with him than any other man I'd dated before. What had started out as strong physical chemistry had turned into a powerful emotional connection I had nothing to compare to. My misfortune was girls like me tended to lay waste to anything good in their lives. I torched bridges in order to guarantee Cole would never even contemplate giving me a second chance.
Autumn disentangled herself from her man parade and launched herself toward me for a hug. As I squeezed her close, I thought how crazy it was to think Autumn would be married by the end of the summer. We were both twenty-two, but we seemed to be in completely different places in our lives.
Autumn let me go, and then hugged the rest of the group with just as much gusto. I figured she must be in a state of static bliss to allow Evan’s arms circle around her. When she embraced Cole, he whispered something in her ear. Playfully, she patted him against the chest and laughed in response. I tried not to tear up over the moment of shared intimacy I’d never have with him again
.
Blake took the time to introduce each of his friends, although I knew most of them through Autumn. Blake’s best man Darien had roomed with Blake at Cook University and our group had hung out several times before Darien graduated and moved to New York. The rest of the men were Baltimore Warriors teammates that Blake played with for the past three seasons. Despite my prejudices toward jocks, Blake’s friends were usually respectful and class acts. They had nicknames like Cupcake and Honey Bee and most of them had wives and girlfriends in their home states.
But the jackass gene hadn’t completely bypassed all of Blake’s friends. The running back on the team, Justin Sewall, was an egotistical, loud-mouthed ass. Weeks ago, Autumn had told me Justin had a family commitment and wouldn’t be traveling with us, and I figured my karma must not be total shit. I was glad he was absent.
“Hi,” said a familiar deep rumble in my ear, pulling me out of my thoughts. My body swayed back and forth and I understood the movement was more from absolute shock than the alcohol. To keep from stumbling forward, I put my hand on top of a nearby deck chair.
I craned my neck to face Cole. His expression was stony and the visual made me feel as if I had a boulder vanquishing in my gut. “Hi,” I said weakly.
“Can we talk?” he asked quietly. Once I nodded, he started to walk away. Presumably, I was intended to follow. Everyone was busy catching up with Autumn and Blake and I assumed it was safe to slip away for a minute. Lexi caught my eye and I rushed to her side. I whispered urgently, “Cole wants to talk to me. If I’m not back in ten minutes, come looking for me. He may have thrown me over the side of the boat.”
Lexi’s brown eyes were circumspect. “You’ve been drinking, Casey. So, don’t do or say anything you’ll regret. Bad decisions are reserved for the end of the vacation, not the first couple of hours.”
I hoped Lexi noticed the disappointment over her censure in my blue eyes. She’d been the serious, studious one in our trio and I was hoping to see her loosen up a little bit while we were vacationing. Especially since she’d been attached at the hip with Finn from the very start of our freshman year.
“I’ll be a good girl. Cross my heart,” I said while making an x over my chest.
Lexi narrowed her gaze. “You also made that promise before the night I found you in the basement of the Chi Phi house playing strip poker.”
“Bye Lexi,” I said sweetly and picked up my pace in order to catch up with Cole.
As I watched him walk steadfastly to the front of the boat, I felt close to snapping from the mental strain. This would be the first time I spoke to Cole alone in months. Despite our claim of an amicable breakup, we hadn’t been in touch since I told him we couldn’t be together. I hadn’t expected him to reach out and I never got up enough nerve to call him. Despite my usual bravado, avoidance had been a much easier tactic for dealing with Cole.
When we reached the bow of the ship, Cole stopped at the railing and turned to face me. His eyes looked a shade lighter in the sunlight as he searched my face. I wondered as he took me in if he still found me half as sexy as I found him. Cole had the sinful body of a rock star: solid chest, lean torso, defined arms. It was very common to see girls swoon when he tossed aside his shirt at Trojan Jedi shows. Even with the scowl, he was heartbreakingly handsome. I would have given just about anything to feel his five o’clock shadow against my face as he consumed me with his mouth.
There was an indignity in being forced to stare at his exquisite face and not be able to have him.
“Let’s get this over with,” he said curtly, breaking me out of my reverie.
I tried to take Lexi’s advice and to think first before reacting—because my gut reaction was to lash out and give him a firm slap across the cheek. It took me a second to realize he had every right to be an ass to me. “What exactly are we getting over?” I asked evenly.
With a broken sigh, Cole turned to look out toward the pier. We were docked in Puerto Rico for a few more hours until the cruise departed for the Southern Caribbean. For a week, we would be lounging on tropical beaches, sipping cocktails next to the Caribbean Sea and toasting Autumn’s last time as a Miss instead of a Mrs.
If only I could enjoy paradise with Cole as my boyfriend. Evading him was easier because being reminded of how magnetic I found him was unadulterated torture. We were bad for each other, but that didn’t make me want him any less.
“I don’t want this whole week to be uncomfortable and weird,” he finally said without looking in my direction. “I’ve had a constipated feeling falling me around since the second I got to the airport.” He let out a strangled laugh although his expression remained humorless. “I thought I could see you again and it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I was wrong.”
“Why did you come? You know Autumn is my best friend,” I pointed out. Maybe I had wronged him, but he had titanium balls coming on the cruise. Blake may have invited him, but he could have refused.
“Because I hate this. My brother is crazy in love with one of your best friends and every time she’s over I have to hear Casey this and Casey that. I can’t even hear your name without breaking out into a cold sweat.” His voice was fierce and had a sobering effect on me. Cole wasn’t exactly known for his intensity. He was usually just as big of a wiseass as his twin. I’d seen a more complex side of him while we dated, but we still spent a lot of downtime riffing playfully on one another. He continued, “Things didn’t work out for us. Maybe we were meant to crash and burn from the beginning. I think we’re too much alike. Our personalities only let us have intense flings that can’t last.”
His words burned my brain and my heart. I hated that was his summation on what we had. It was my fault he felt the way he did. I violated his trust and destroyed his faith in me. Did I expect him to still consider what we had as special?
“I’m sorry,” I managed. “I know you probably don’t believe me, but I am so sorry that things turned out the way they did—”
His cheeks reddened and I could instantly tell he hated the pity in my tone. Although I was sincere, Cole would think I was patronizing him. “It’s over and like I said, that’s fine. It would’ve never worked anyway. But I do want us to be friends. I don’t want it to be weird when ever we’re in the same room together.”
“I want that too,” I said hoarsely.
He nodded although his tone remained dry and unfriendly. “You should have fun on the vacation. And if you want to hook up with someone, don’t feel awkward about it… I’m not planning to be a saint on the trip either.”
I could see the knife he had just used to cut out my heart—the serrated edges dripping with fresh blood. Hope had damned me to my own personal hell. Because as tough as I had played it for my friends’ benefits, the god’s honest truth was I had wished for him to see me and feel something again. Like he would look into my eyes and see directly into my heart.
His dangling of our renewed friendship was only a ruse. This was his true purpose. He wanted me to know I’d have to bear witness to him fucking whomever he wanted on vacation. I’d hurt him and he was outlining his plans for revenge against me. For the next seven days, I’d have my heart stomped on each time I saw him with another girl.
“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” I said lifting up my chin. I was certainly at fault for our breakup, but I had to draw the line somewhere. I made mistakes, but I punished myself enough for the both of us.
He frowned. “You pass on what?”
“Your offer of being friends. I considered what you could add to my life as a friend and I’m politely declining,” I said and began to turn away. There had been safety in the fog; why was I allowing his words to penetrate?
His fingers wrapped lightly around my wrist and I stilled. Although I was trying to leave with my dignity intact, I had to admit his hand felt good against my skin. Besides playing guitar, Cole was a union steelworker. The combination left his hands rough and callused. There was something so intoxicating about how masculine his hands felt when
he grasped at my bare skin.
“Casey, you were the one who said months ago that neither of us were ready for a commitment. I’m not being an asshole here. I could’ve told everyone about why we broke up, but I didn’t. I let them assume you just wanted to walk away and I didn’t stop you.”
I patted his shoulder heartily. “Thanks for being so grown up about it, Cole. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
He folded his arms across his chest and looked me up and down. I didn’t like the smug look on his face as he caught my eye. His face and posture reminded me of the arrogance that had withered away once we became serious about one another. “Okay, Casey. Game on.”
“What?”
His eyes were unreadable. “I figured if we were friends, we could show each other some respect. Not rub any hookups in the other person’s face. But since you so rudely swatted away my outreached hand—”
I rolled my eyes. “Were you this annoying when we dated? Because I’m surprised we lasted as long as we did.”
He leaned down and whispered in a low rumble, “You still want me. I know you. I know you. I remember how you get defensive when you want to hide what you’re feeling. I get that your pride will keep you from telling me the truth about what really happened between us. And I know that by the time this boat docks back in port, you’ll be in my bed, asking for a another chance.”
I flushed and said in an affronted voice, “In your dreams, creep.”
“Like I said, Casey, game on.” He planted a quick, affectionless peck on the side of my head before sidestepping around me. He walked away confidently back toward our group. Meanwhile, my legs were unable to function. I was very close to collapsing into a feeble puddle on the deck. How was I going to last a week with Cole? Would I win the worst friend of the year award if I abandoned ship right that second?
Regaining my composure, I squared off my shoulders and bit down hard on my lip. Fuck that, I thought. Then, Fuck him. I could admit I messed up, but what had happened wasn’t completely my fault. I’d given Cole the abbreviated version of what made me end our relationship, but he didn’t know everything. I kept the truth inside of me, locked tightly away.
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn Book 3) Page 2
