I'd made the decision to have drinks with Justin. I had led him on and the fallout from my actions had destroyed my future with Cole.
Cole's posture grew stiff and I expected him to flee at any second. “I really don’t think we should talk about this now,” he said.
I set my elbows on my knees while shifting my body to face him directly. “I know, but I miss you. I probably didn’t realize how damn much I missed you until I saw you again on the plane. But if I’m not honest with you, I know that we’ll leave this trip and that will be it for us. We won’t ever get past what happened.”
Cole groaned. “A fucking lobotomy without anesthesia sounds better than talking about Atlantic City.” He put his head in his hands and drew in a long breath before letting it out in one long shaky exhale. His dark, long eyelashes lowered as he stared at me. “Fine, let’s talk about it then.”
I turned my head back quickly to make sure our friends were still busy. They appeared to be preoccupied with a story Blake was telling and I figured Cole and I would have privacy for a few more minutes. My girlfriends seemed oblivious that I was stealing time alone with my ex. I created a steeple with my fingers and placed my hands on my lap. “I never went to Atlantic City with the intent of screwing around on you. What happened was a stupid, reckless mistake on my part and I wish I never went down there that night.”
“But you did,” he said edgily. “We have this great talk before you go about future plans and how happy we are together.” His left knee started to bounce up and down. “What wasn’t I giving you that you needed?”
“Nothing—”
He interrupted me. “Of course there was something missing. Isn’t that the fundamental reason all men and women cheat?”
I tried to keep the wobble out of my voice as I spoke. “Probably in most cases that’s true. But I’m telling you that in this incidence it was all about my issues, never you and me. I’m always my own worst enemy. I sabotaged myself and that’s why you ended up hating me.”
“Hate you?” he whispered with disbelief. “Christ Casey, do you know me at all? Didn’t you realize all this time I’ve been asking myself how I screwed us up?”
I was too afraid to meet his eyes. I felt like an errant child who had to confess to her wrongdoing and face the consequences. “I would hate me if I were you. We were perfect when I left Fairfort and then I called to drop a bomb on you,” I said. My hands started to shake as a disquieted feeling settled in my bones.
“Fine then. Tell me what happened. What changed between the moment you left and the moment you called me,” he said roughly.
“What?” I asked, my alarm growing tenfold. Maybe I should have thought out my idea of confessing. What was I willing to tell him? Would my demons truly be exorcised if I chose to be one hundred percent honest? My idea was to make him understand my regret, not to rehash the actual event. I couldn’t relive that night.
“I told you when I called the day after,” I said in a small voice.
“I remember what you said,” he said tightly. “But what did you really tell me? You slept with some guy you had met at the club. How did you get from meeting someone at a club to having sex with them in their hotel room? Was it love at first sight?”
“God no,” I mumbled.
My shadiness was irritating him and I had an apprehensive feeling I had just made things a hell of a lot worse between us. “Do you still talk to the guy? I mean, I trusted you, but I also trusted your friends. How did they let you just take off with some random stranger? I mean it seems weird that none of our friends seem to know the real reason we broke up.”
I knew seasickness wasn’t the reason I felt the sudden urge to vomit. I had to be careful with what I said. “My friends didn’t know. They thought I left early and went back home. What happened was a one-night stand and nothing more. I never talked to him again after I left his room the next morning.” I cringed at my words. I thought telling Cole the truth the first time was painful. Even with months of perspective, I still felt god-freaking-awful admitting I had woken up in bed with a man who wasn’t him.
I may not have confessed to my friends about the Atlantic City gaffe, but I always knew I had to tell Cole. I had my issues, but I had a moral code. I wouldn’t have sex with another guy and run back into Cole’s waiting arms. I wouldn’t debase him in that way. I didn’t admit my unfaithfulness to Cole because I was afraid of getting caught—I had to tell him because I believed he deserved the truth. Maybe I couldn’t tell him the uncensored truth about that night, but he got enough of the story to realize I had broken every promise we made to one another.
Cole stood up from the chair and I saw a brief glimpse of sadness in his eyes as he spoke. “Something isn’t adding up, Casey.”
I coughed as I straightened up in my seat. “Why do you say that?”
“I’ve been over this in my head and none of it makes sense. You’re either protecting this guy or you’re trying to shelter me from the whole truth. I’m an adult. You can tell me what went on.”
I groaned over the thought of looking out for Justin. “Believe me. I’m not protecting the guy.”
“So, then why do I feel like you’re holding back? I just want a reason. A clear-cut answer on why you slept with someone else. None of the politician talk you’ve been feeding me. And although you’ve apologized and blamed yourself, you can’t seem to open up and provide an explanation.”
The acid released in a gradual trickle—corroding my heart slowly and torturously. “I don’t have one,” I said lamely.
His arms tightened at his sides and the veins in his neck pulsed as he tried to contain his anger. Finally, he said tersely, “Then I don’t know if we could be anything to each other. Because I know you. I know there’s more to you than you let most people see. And that Casey would’ve never so carelessly tossed aside what we were building without a reason.”
I tried to squeak out a response, but he was gone before I could form a single syllable. I watched him stalk off, my heart feeling like it was shriveling up and dying at the sight. I always managed to bungle up our relationship. Were some riffs too great to heal? I didn’t want to believe that, but I had to admit that Cole and I didn’t have the best odds.
I was afraid of the truth. The truth had turned into a dark shadow, lurking in every room corner. I tried to ignore it. I even tried to rewrite history in my brain. Nothing worked. The truth would haunt me until I finally gathered up the nerve to tell someone. And I had to eventually because I couldn’t withstand the pretending for much longer. The truth would be the only way I could find my way back to me.
Chapter Nine
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I can't believe it
When I hear that you won't see me.
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you
When you say that you don't need me.
It's much to late to find
When you think you've changed your mind.
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry.
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me, oh?
“Now, how is this torture for Autumn when we are the ones who need to listen to her sing?” Delia shouted into my ear.
“Sorry. But it was either this or bingo. I chose the lesser of two evils,” I said with a shrug.
As part of the bachelorette experience, I signed up Autumn for karaoke at one of the ship’s bars. Each time her name was pulled, she had to drag up a different person on stage with her. We were on song three, a duet with Lexi, and I think Autumn’s drunken off-key singing was wearing thin on the audience already.
Antigua had been the next stop for the cruise and we had an amazing time on the island. Autumn, Delia, Lexi and I signed up for an open road jeep tour of the island and it was loads of fun. I needed the time away from Cole to have an amazing, goofy time with my girlfriends. The beach stop was gorgeous and I could have happily stayed floating on my rent
ed raft for the rest of the vacation. With Cole out of sight, I could pretend he hadn’t stalked off angrily the night before.
The day had also given Lexi and me a respite from worrying about Autumn and Delia hearing about Thomas’s interview the following day. Lexi had pulled Blake aside the night earlier to give him the lowdown on what she heard from Finn. Blake said he picked up on rumors of Thomas being offered book and interview deals, but never thought his stepfather would go through with it. Blake was super protective of Autumn and Delia and likely wanted to strangle Thomas with his bare hands for dredging up the past. Thomas would definitely want to go into hiding once Blake got back from vacation. I wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of a pro quarterback.
Blake didn’t know if it was possible, but he wanted to keep the rest of the vacation untainted by Thomas. He’d tell Delia and Autumn once we arrived back to Puerto Rico since hearing that Thomas was spinning his web of lies on national TV would ruin Autumn’s party. Autumn would try to bounce back after hearing the news, but inside she’d be in pieces. In some cases, ignorance was truly bliss.
Autumn and Lexi finished their song and bounced over to our reserved table. “Please make it stop,” Autumn pleaded. “Flashing my boobs at strangers has to be less painful than this.”
“Nope,” I said with a dramatic shake of my head. “You told me to keep things PG, so this is the kind of activities I planned.”
Autumn dramatically pointed her finger at everyone seated at our table. “Just remember ladies, I’m the first to get hitched. You’re setting the bar, so I don’t want to hear any whining when it’s your turn to suffer the humiliation.”
“I don’t think my bachelorette party will be this elaborate,” Lexi said. “Everyone from back home just goes to a male revue for the night.”
Autumn furrowed her brow. “Was the cruise over the top? Is everyone having fun?”
“A free vacation with all-you-can-eat buffets and exotic tropical islands?” Lexi said rhetorically. “Please stop the torture you’re putting us through.”
Autumn let out a weighty sigh of relief. I felt for Autumn. There was a lot of guilt brewing inside her from accepting all the over-the-top gestures Blake tried to make. She had a deep-seated fear that Blake was going to great lengths to right the wrongs against her. She didn’t want Blake to feel like he needed to buy her love. He had her love before his pro football status and would have it no matter what the future brought.
Autumn scooted in next to me. “I definitely need more drinks to continue with karaoke, but I’m flagging myself. We’re touring Saint Lucia by sailboat and I don’t want to spend the day retching over the side.”
“I’ll sing next with you.” At my pronouncement, my friends burst out into laughter. “What?” I asked innocently.
“You don’t sing at karaoke. You rap… badly,” Lexi said.
“One time two years ago and I never hear the end of it,” I said with my eyes looking heavenward. “I’m much better now.”
“What, did Cole give you music lessons? Teach you how to sing?” Lexi asked with a smirk.
“No, but I think you need to be taught how to properly use innuendo,” I said while screwing up my face at her.
Lexi had noticed my time alone with Cole the night before and had relentlessly questioned me when we got back to our cabin. I gave Delia and Lexi an abbreviated version of what had happened and they spent most of the night speculating on Cole’s feelings toward me. Delia kindly offered to question Levi about his brother, but I begged her to keep quiet. Being rejected again and again by Cole was taking a toll on my already delicate sense of self-worth.
There was no denying I wanted Cole back. I wanted to leave the vacation with me in his arms and him in my bed. In an ideal universe, we’d go back to Fairfort and finally get our shot at a functional relationship. I could melt in the audience as I watched him on stage at each one of his gigs and he could cheer me on as I worked toward my master’s degree. In my head, we could be perfect together. But I knew my infidelity made that future unattainable. By now, he was likely joining his brother on the prowl and looking for some perfect ten to help him forget all about me.
The realist in me said even if Cole forgave me, the cheating would pollute whatever we tried to build. Cole could never trust me again. He’d always have that worry in the back of his head that I wouldn’t have the ability to remain faithful. There was zero possibility of that happening but with my track record, Cole wouldn’t see my promises as guarantees.
And what kind of future could we have if I were forced to constantly walk on eggshells? Any small slip, I’d be afraid he’d throw my mistake back in my face and I’d have to relive the humiliation.
So if I couldn’t move on with Cole, how did I start again? Why couldn’t I feel anything for anybody else? In six months, I’d been asked out on several different occasions and my response was an automatic and affirmative “no.” I couldn’t imagine touching another man, or kissing someone who wasn’t Cole. My body craved him and only him. My sex drive had gone from insatiable to zilch after one horrible night.
But then I saw Cole again and despite his initial dickish behavior, I felt the familiar desire for him return. My memories were evil entities living inside my head and forcing me to remember how carelessly his lips, his touch could bring me to the most earth-shattering climaxes I’d ever experienced.
Until a solution presented itself, my way of dealing with Cole was back to the old standard: avoidance. I hadn’t seen him in Antigua and dodged him at dinner. By the shuttered glances my way from Levi and Evan, I assumed they had heard I was back to being the bitch who broke their brother’s heart. A positive side of heading to the karaoke bar after dinner was that I doubted Blake and his macho crew would want to spend their night listening to amateurish singing.
My mission was merely to take each day as it came. Since tomorrow was a boat trip, I’d just find a spot on the clear other side from Cole. After our dust-up the night before, he was probably just as eager to keep his distance.
In all honesty, it was the day coming up next which had my stomach in knots. A stop in Barbados where we would be meeting up with Justin would require I not only dodge one guy, but two. Barbados was also our last island stop, so Autumn wanted a full day of relaxing together as a group on the beach. I couldn’t find a feasible way out of the excursion that didn’t involve downing as many raw oysters at dinner as possible and praying for food poisoning. Maybe my initial speculation that the cruise would be a vacation from hell wasn’t far off.
Chapter Ten
“Casey, are you sure that you’re okay?” Lexi spoke through the heavy door of our cabin’s bathroom.
“I’ll be okay,” I managed as I collapsed onto the floor. I folded my arms over the toilet seat cover and rested my head down on top of them. My legs remained tangled under me since the tiny bathroom didn’t leave room for me to sprawl out across the ground.
I’d been awake since four in the morning with the worst case of nausea and vomiting I could recall having in my entire twenty-two years. I figured it was my cosmic punishment for planning to eat bad seafood as a way to steer clear of Justin. Someone out there must have been listening to my prayers, but got the dates mixed up.
I hadn’t drunk a lot at the bar the night before so I doubted the sickness was alcohol-related. Despite the cruise line offering hand sanitizers at every buffet entrance, I wondered if I had picked up a foul stomach virus during one of my frequent visits. This couldn't possibly really be happening on the heels of me wishing for spoiled oysters. I tasted the irony of getting what I'd wished for along with the bile.
“Do you think you’re seasick?” Lexi called.
“No, I have the constitution of a sailor,” I yelled back stubbornly.
Lexi snorted. “Sailors have terrible health. Haven’t you ever heard of scurvy or dysentery?”
“Whatever. If you’ll be so kind to just leave me alone to die,” I cried miserably. “If you and Delia don
’t leave soon, you’re going to miss the excursion around Saint Lucia.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone,” Lexi said fiercely.
Although my legs felt shaky, I managed to stand upright. I stole a glance in the mirror and shuddered at my reflection. Saying I looked like hell was putting it mildly. My hair was a frizzy mess pulled into a messy bun on the top of my head. My blue eyes were red-rimmed, weighed down by heavy bags. There was no way I could manage to endure a six-hour sailboat trip with an endless supply of suspect rum punch.
I pushed the door open and grimaced at Lexi. “I don’t think I can rally.”
Lexi looked concerned and put her palm on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever so that’s good. Do you want to see the ship doctor? I haven’t checked out his credentials, so you may be dealing with a physician who earned his degree online.”
I shook my head. Before I could elaborate, there was a knock on our door. Delia sidestepped around me to open the cabin door. Autumn hurried inside and looked me up and down with an agonized expression. “Delia just called to tell me you’re sick. I can go to the front desk and cancel the excursion.”
“No way,” I said in a rush. Autumn looked sailboat-ready with her adorable green sundress and sunglasses on top of her head. “You girls go. There’s no sense in everyone staying around here when I just plan to curl up in bed and sleep.”
“What if you need something? I can’t abandon you,” Autumn said, tapping her chin with her painted fingernails. She started making these sad little mews in the back of her throat and I could tell she’d stay by my bedside in a minute if I asked her.
Autumn and I would be best friends forever no matter what. At first, I’d been worried after Blake proposed. I never thought one of my friends would be getting married at twenty-two. I thought marriage and babies were in the way far-off future and something that would happen in at least ten years or so. What would Mrs. Autumn Preston be like? Could I fit into her world? She was marrying a man who had money and fame. Would her new life include shiny new friends?
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn Book 3) Page 7
