“Oh okay,” he said awkwardly. He had a kind face with graying temples, so I didn’t get the impression he was trying to guarantee I got the hell off the hotel property as soon as possible. “I only ask because I saw you last night. You looked quite ill and your companion had to assist you inside.”
The bellman was a true gentleman. Obviously, he didn’t want to say I had been falling-down drunk. I did find it slightly disturbing that I was that wasted when I arrived at the hotel. I only remembered having the two beers in the VIP lounge and maybe one or two when I was on the deck with Justin. I could hold my liquor fine before and could easily have had double the amount to drink over a course of a night and still only feel buzzed.
“I’m better now. Thank you,” I said, shooting him a shaky smile. He looked conflicted as if he wanted to say more, but remained silent. If I'd had to venture a guess, he was probably wondering why my companion was sending me off without so much of an offer to give me a lift back to my car.
I managed an awkward wave to the bellman before walking in the direction of the benches. I sat down outside and began to rummage through the contents of my purse. Finally, I found my phone and powered it on. My heart stopped as I saw the excessive number of text messages and voicemails I had received.
A few of the messages were from Autumn and Lexi with questions about where I went. The messages stopped after I saw Justin had written them on my behalf—telling them lies about how I missed Cole and headed back early. Cole’s thread of messages started out affectionate, but as more time passed he obviously became worried.
Hey babe, I’m missing you bad here. I know you’re probably busy with your friends, but just send me a text so I know you’re okay.
My heart thudded against my ribcage as I saw a reply sent at one in the morning from my phone.
Crashing now. Call you tomorrow.
I dug my nails into my palm to try and tamper down on my rage. I wanted to run back upstairs and wrap my hands around Justin’s huge neck until he could no longer breathe. He had enjoyed my horror about what I had done and it made me hate him more than anyone else in the world. There were several people waiting outside for transportation and I might have been arrested if I indulged in a meltdown. Just as I was about to put the phone back in my bag, it rang in my hand.
Cole. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god...
He would hear my voice and just know. There was no hiding the shame and he would sense something was horribly wrong. He would feel the betrayal through the line as soon as I opened my mouth. But my brain didn’t seem to be in control of my body as I pushed the screen to answer his call.
“Hi,” I said meekly.
“Hi yourself,” Cole said in a concerned voice. Squeezing my eyes shut, I allowed the affection in his tone wash over me. I knew it would likely be the last time I ever heard him say a kind word in my direction. Was I stuck in a pattern I couldn’t escape? With the exception of Cole, why did I always end up sleeping with men who were completely wrong for me? It felt like the dawn of the darkest moment I would ever experience in my entire life. “I’ve been trying to call you, but your phone was off.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“So, are you on your way home yet? I thought we could grab some lunch and you could tell me about Atlantic City,” he said, still blissfully ignorant.
I could see him in my head. He was likely lying back on his bed—shirtless with every glorious muscle on display. I could hear him smiling through the phone too. Because that’s what it was like between us. We were always so ecstatic to be around each other—to know there was another person who made us finally feel like we belonged.
“No, I’m still here,” I said softly. “I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.”
Blake and Autumn had booked rooms at The Tropicana for the night, but I refused to go there and look for them. I would force myself to drive home with the stench of Justin choking me. Once I got home, I’d take the longest shower of my life to wash his sex off of me. Each time I pictured us together, my skin crawled.
“Are you okay? You sound off, babe,” he said with worry seeping into his tone.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I had a really bad night.”
“What happened? Why didn’t you call me?”
I wished he could have saved me from myself. Put on the brakes to stop the impending train wreck. “I made a mistake, Cole.”
The words tasted like vomit. How could I have done this? I never wanted to hurt Cole. He had been sheer perfection during the past weeks we were dating: sweet, sexy, fun. Why would I throw it all away?
“What happened?” Cole’s tone turned serious. He wasn’t an idiot. Nothing good had ever come from a confession that started with, “I made a mistake.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered and although I didn’t think I had any tears left, I began to cry again. My chest hurt as I continued, “I was with someone else last night.”
“What does that even mean, Casey? Do you mean you fucked someone else last night?” I physically recoiled over his words. But I couldn’t wish my confession back. He needed to know that he had chosen the wrong girl. He had chosen to give his heart to a selfish girl who had cheated on him at the first opportunity.
“I’m sorry,” I managed through my tears.
“Damn it!” he screamed and then I heard something shatter over the line. After a second, I heard a long, broken exhale. “So, that’s how we end then? You text me that you miss me and then fuck some guy you meet at a club?”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I swear,” I blubbered.
“Who was it? Was it one of Blake’s friends? Do I know him?” he demanded.
“No,” I lied. Telling Cole I slept with Justin, a famous pro football player, was just going to make him hurt more.
“We’re done, Casey. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. And I never want to see you again.”
I tried to reply, but all I heard was the click as he disconnected. I wanted to apologize until my voice gave out. I wanted to explain away my actions and tell him it wasn’t me who had cheated. A drunk version of me had been the one to betray him. Clinging to the phone, I felt completely hollowed out.
But I didn’t deserve a second chance with him. He was too good for someone like me—someone obviously broken enough to self-sabotage any chance at happiness. Although my soul felt crushed by the thought, I knew Cole would find someone better. Someone who would hold onto him and refuse to ever let him go.
Chapter Fourteen
The room was silent as I finished. Autumn and Lexi were stunned into silence as I confessed the truth about what had happened in Atlantic City. As I told the story for the first time, I found myself crying all over again. All the hurt and anguish over losing Cole felt so fresh in my mind. I could close my eyes and still picture the ache in his voice as I told him I’d been unfaithful.
I gave Autumn and Lexi a pleading look as they stared at me with their eyes wide and their mouths hung open in shock. “I know I’m a terrible person. Both of you like Cole and you probably think I’m the worst person in the world for doing that to him. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry, Autumn, if this puts you in an awkward position since Justin is one of Blake’s friends.”
Autumn didn’t say anything, but I saw her and Lexi share an uneasy glance. Lexi spoke first. “You were blackout drunk when this happened?”
I nodded while keeping the tension in my shoulders. “I eventually remembered a few flashes of having another drink with him on the deck, but then there’s nothing. I thought the memories would come back, but thankfully the rest of the night is a blank. At least, I can pretend I wasn’t present when I had sex with Justin.”
I was surprised as I saw tears begin to form in Autumn’s already swollen eyes. Before I could comfort her, Lexi spoke again. “So, let me get this straight. Justin got you drunk. And then left with you in a cab without telling your friends where you were going. He brought you back to his hotel where the staff saw him practically carrying you inside. And then he
has sex with you?”
I squirmed while she stared at me with a grim expression. I recognized the familiar tone from Lexi. Lexi was furious. “Yes. And I felt horrible about what I did. That’s why I told Cole right away. I respected him enough to tell him the truth although I knew how much hurt I was causing him.”
Autumn and Lexi exchanged another inscrutable look while I felt my insides twist over the thought that my best friends wouldn’t understand the depth of my regret. “I screwed up and I’ve been miserable ever since. I thought Cole should be with someone else, but I can’t seem to let him go. And he finally seems ready to forgive me. But he doesn’t know Justin was the guy I had sex with. And I can’t figure out if telling before we see Justin in Barbados is the right thing to do.”
“My god,” Autumn whispered. “Casey, I had no idea about any of this. How could I not have known?”
“I didn’t either,” Lexi said to Autumn. To me, she said gently, “Casey, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you high, Lexi? Of course I did. I didn’t tell Cole that I had loved him yet, but I did. I do. And instead of being faithful to him and protecting what we were building together, I screwed another guy.”
“Casey, you were drunk. You just told us you don’t remember anything about that night besides having a drink with Justin on the deck. If you were in your right mind, you would have never gone back to his hotel with him,” Lexi said, leaning forward with her eyes searching my face.
“It doesn’t matter!” I said forcefully, rising to my feet and looking down at them both with disbelief. “Just because I was drunk doesn’t give me a free pass to have sex with another guy behind Cole’s back. We’ve all made drunken mistakes with guys. Just because I regret… It doesn’t change the fact I gave into whatever lust I was feeling toward Justin and didn’t even think about how I would destroy Cole.”
Autumn wiped at her eyes. “Casey, what is the last thing you remember that night?”
“I told you,” I said with practiced patience. “We were on the deck having a drink. Later, I had a couple of flashes of us moving to the sofa, but the images were fuzzy. The alcohol must have really started to hit me at that point because the rest is the blur.”
Autumn bit down on her lip for a long moment. “You don’t remember having sex with him?” I shook my head and Autumn dug her nails into the edge of the couch cushion. “You don’t remember saying yes to him?”
I took a step back as if her words were physical blows. “What is this?” I asked harshly.
“Casey, he took you back to his hotel room without telling your friends. The hotel staff saw you come in and you were barely able to stand up on your own. And then he berates you by saying you passed out under him during sex—”
Lexi cut Autumn off. “I’m going to kill that motherfucker.”
“Yes, Justin is a huge ass, but what you’re implying… It’s not like he forced me to have sex with him,” I said with a long exhale.
Lexi grimaced. “That’s exactly what he did.”
“What?” I gave them both a beseeching look. “I could have said no if I wanted to.”
“Could you have? Because it sounds like you were in no shape to say yes or no,” Lexi said pointedly.
My heart seized in my chest. What was going on? I thought my friends would be disappointed in me. Even a little pissed that I had lied to them. But for them to suggest…
“He raped you,” Autumn said gently. She reached for my hand, but I snatched it out of her grasp.
“Stop it,” I hissed.
“I’m sorry, Casey. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I knew something was wrong, but I never suspected anything like this,” Lexi said and stood up to get closer to me.
I warned her off by backing away and putting my palms out. “What is wrong with the two of you? I tell you I cheated on Cole and you turn this into something else entirely.”
“Just think about it, Casey. You must have known how wrong it was for Justin to do what he did,” Lexi said.
“Yes,” I snapped back. “Justin is a huge dick. He was disrespectful to me the next morning, but he didn’t rape me. I don’t remember much, but I remember flirting with him on the deck. I was sending out signals that I was very available.” I was exaggerating my part, but I didn’t want to even entertain the possibility that I wasn’t culpable. Maybe I had misgivings about Justin, but I still made the choice to be alone with him drinking. My memory was hazy, but I must have told him “yes” by either actions or words.
“Have you talked to anyone about what happened? Does Cole know the whole story?” Lexi asked.
I shook my head empathetically. “He doesn’t need to know the gory details. And believe me, I feel sick to my stomach over the idea of telling him it was Justin. That’s why I’m freaking out about seeing him tomorrow.”
“He’s not coming anywhere near you or anyone else for that matter,” Autumn said firmly.
“Autumn, please,” I said, bending down in front of her with pleading in my eyes. “Don’t blow the situation up out of proportion. I understand what happened with you and Thomas Bridges was unimaginable. But can’t you see the difference? Justin didn’t attack me. He didn’t pin me down and violate me.”
“Don’t see you what he did? Everything sounds premeditated,” Autumn said forcefully. "If you truly wanted to go back to the hotel with him, you would have come down to the club to tell us first. He sent text messages from your phone to cover his ass, knowing full well we’d be worried about you. He obviously knew you were too drunk to make the right decision and took advantage of that state. He’s a predator—just like Thomas Bridges.”
“He was probably just as drunk as I was,” I countered.
“He was sober enough to get you into a cab and up into his room. And from what you told us, he could perfectly recall what had happened the night before when you woke up next to him,” Lexi pointed out. “You were too drunk to give consent, possible even drugged—”
“Drugged, Lexi? Really?” I shrieked, my horror growing exponentially. How had my confession spiraled into something poles apart from what I expected? I anticipated my friends’ censure, not them turning me into a victim.
“Casey, this kills me to say any of this to you. I honestly believed you haven’t been yourself lately because of your hasty decision to break up with Cole. But I wouldn’t put it pass Justin to drug you. Four drinks shouldn’t have made you blackout. Justin had the opportunity to put something in your drink,” Lexi said and looked to Autumn for backup. She gave a slight nod as if Lexi had a point.
“I can’t… I can’t listen to this anymore. I know emotions are high because of Thomas’s interview, but you’re reaching. Maybe Justin swooped in because I was drunk, but it wasn’t rape. Just a god-awful mistake that I have regretted since the moment it happened,” I said. Retrieving my purse, I said in a choked whisper, “I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m truly sorry that you have gone through hell because of Thomas. But what happened between Justin and me is totally different.”
“You may have told him no. You don’t remember, Casey. You could have told him to stop,” Autumn said. Her brown eyes held an immeasurable amount of sadness as she regarded me.
Shaking my head, I backed away from them both. “I have to go,” I said roughly. Lexi reached out and grabbed my arm, but I shook her off. “I need some space. Please.”
Lexi relented although I could tell she wanted me to stay and talk things out with her and Autumn. But I couldn’t wrap my head around what had just transpired. Never had I felt like Justin assaulted me—raped me. That morning in his hotel wasn’t the first time I’d woken up and regretted sleeping with the man lying next to me. Although it was the first time I didn’t remember how I had gotten into the bed. I wasn’t the same as Autumn—I wasn’t an innocent virgin who had been abused against her will.
I walked away from my girlfriends as they called out to me. All I wanted was to run away and never look back. In mere minutes, I’d gone
from wanting absolution for my sins to being cast in the role of the victim.
And I was no one’s victim.
Chapter Fifteen
My instinct was to seek out Cole, but I couldn’t just yet. He would ask questions, want to know why I couldn’t seem to breathe. Every breath I took felt tight and painful, like I was trying to breathe underwater. I didn’t want Cole to see me broken. Because if he saw me in this state, he would think I found credence in what Lexi and Autumn said. And I didn’t. I didn’t believe their swift judgment about my night with Justin. They were biased and were likely floundering at their attempts to make me feel better about being a cheater.
I found an empty lounge on the deck above my floor. I pulled my legs close as I leaned back into one of the room’s oversized leather armchairs. Resting my chin on top of my knees, I tried to decide on my next move. I wished I could turn back the clock. Let Autumn and Lexi remain ignorant about Justin. Stay behind with Cole and persuade him to believe that what we had was different than anything I ever felt. Because now, if Autumn believed Justin raped me, there was no telling what she would do. Her crusade for justice may be the final nail in my relationship coffin.
I shut my eyes tight, fighting against my own personal torment. I wasn’t anyone’s prey. I decided whom I wanted to have sex with and when. There was chemistry between Justin and me that night. Maybe not enough that I had pictured sleeping with him, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t gotten swept up in the moment. If only I could remember the details of the night, then I wouldn’t have to play a guessing game about what happened between the time I left the bar and the time I woke up naked in Justin’s hotel room.
But there was a small, but persistent, voice in the back of my brain—a voice I was certain had been influenced by Autumn and Lexi. A voice telling me that there was a sense of wrongness tied to the night in the Atlantic City. Because I couldn’t deny that the night had changed me. I assumed the broken feeling I carried around with me came from being a cheater. I’d always been a sexual person, but monogamous while in relationships. I thought the fact I’d broken my moral code had left me devastated and vulnerable.
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn Book 3) Page 13
