by Seth Eden
“Wow.”
“It’s these women fucking us up,” Ricky said, scratching his head. “Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give up my baby for anything in the world, but damn, it would make shit easier.”
“Marco said the same thing.” I pictured Stacy’s smile and shook my head. “Easier ain’t worth it.”
Ricky clapped with amusement. “I know that’s right. We finally got him!”
“Fuck you,” I growled. Ricky was okay.
“There’s something to it, though,” I continued. I thought of how Alessandro snapped when he thought Willow was out of his life forever, the way Marco was stressed talking about Kelly being pregnant, and how much nastier Luca was when he and Molly were at odds. Even I felt cold and unruly in the few weeks between talking to Stacy. “Women unlock something severe in our family.”
“Yeah, things to protect.” I tilted my head at Ricky, and he nodded to reaffirm his thought. “When we don’t give a shit about ourselves, it’s whatever. We go full-throttle because we don’t have anything to lose. With them, it’s different. They bring out the Varasso penchant to hold onto happiness with an iron grip. I saw it with Marco, I saw it with Sandro, and I see it right here, with you. Molly’s in the business because Luca is. Do you know what kind of business I’m in right now, Gabe? Fucking housing court. I’m defending people who need security deposits back and shit. I had whole dockets of just murders before I left Philly. We find these people, and we would do anything for them, but we can’t. We’re trying to get the screw in and keep stripping it. Varassos will eventually lose it. Just like your dad.”
It was the most astute observation of my family anyone had ever made. Ricky was close enough to us to damn near be a Varasso, but he was always safely on the outside. There were few people whose opinions of my family could be trusted more.
“Alessandro wants to come back because he thinks there’s greater honor in this than in being a simple nine to five guy. He’s lost Willow twice now, and the fear that he’ll lose her again and then not even have the life to rely on is almost too much. He needs his family, all of them.”
“We want out,” I said. “Me and Luca. We want to shut it down. When that happens, we can all be in Philly together. Or California. Or wherever we want. Us, the girls, the kids. We can be happy together.”
Ricky shook his head. “Ever the optimist.”
“If it will protect my brothers, then I’ll make it happen.”
Ricky raised an eyebrow. “The great defender.”
If Ricky thought that was true, then I was willing to believe it. I couldn’t be the looming intimidation that Luca was, the pure muscle that Marco was, or the blazing brain that Alessandro was. If all I had was to be the great defender, then I would wear that like a badge of honor.
I would shut down the Varasso business, once and for all.
16
Stacy
It had only been a day since I last saw Gabriel, but I already missed him so much that I ached. When I got the text that he wasn’t going to be able to see me today because his brother and brother’s best friend were unexpectedly in town, I was understanding but sad. I did everything in my power to keep my mind from wandering to what kind of business they might be getting into with an unexpected visit.
I started by cleaning my entire home from top to bottom, including a lengthy visit from my mom so she could inspect and purify its aura. Fortunately, the only noteworthy thing she found was the glint of love floating around. Unfortunately, she then pulled mom rank and made me talk about it. We spent the entire morning discussing Gabriel in a way that didn’t jeopardize my parents for knowing too much, and my mom admitted to being disappointed I didn’t bring him up sooner. She all out demanded that I bring him over to visit with her and my dad soon, and I knew that the next time Gabriel visited, I’d have to make sure they weren’t vulture-watching my place for his arrival.
When I finally managed to shuffle her out the door, I turned my attention to work. The studio was closed for the day, so it was a good time to get some electronic filing done. My assistant needed a day off, and Wednesdays were always lighter days for the studio, so I felt comfortable to divert traffic to a different day and close the studio down so she and I could both get some well-earned rest.
My exhaustion was a result of Gabriel being likened to an energizer bunny in the bedroom, though I knew he’d blame our romps on me. Laying my eyes on him for even a second was dangerous. His spirit, love for his family, and quiet innocence were the reasons I adored him, but I wasn’t about to turn down his clean-cut abs, sharp jaw and cheekbones, and sexy dark eyes. Nor was I about to go complaining about the endowment he’d been blessed with. It all worked out for me any way that pie was sliced, so even if it meant I was going to be a little sore and tired the next day, I’d power up that ride until I was all out of quarters.
We were still using paper and pen customer forms in lieu of a ridiculously expensive online program, so when the studio was closed, it was up to me to translate the multitudes of different styles of writing in order to log my customers’ information into an old-school database for safekeeping. My ears were ringing by the time I finished shredding all the papers after they were all finally entered, but it was a task I’d put off the entire six months since my business transferred to Philly, and it needed to be done.
After I’d taken care of the house and work, I tried to sink my mind into a few things sitting on my Netflix queue, but my mind traveled back to that morning I found out who Gabriel really was, and in no time at all, I was thinking about him again. I hadn’t heard from him all day and was debating whether or not to call him. I didn’t want to bother him, and the pieces of me that still didn’t understand how this whole underground crime syndicate thing worked outside of the movies wanted never to call him for fear he was in some life or death situation and my phone call is the thing that gives up his position. I was certain I was way off base. Hopefully, in reality, they were smart enough to turn their phones to silent when they were walking into dangerous situations, but what if they didn’t?
Maybe it was the train of thought I was on, but when there was a knock at my door, I jumped sky-high and stared at it nervously. I didn’t know many people in Philly still, and my mom had already visited for the day. Mira was back in New York, so I couldn’t figure out who it might be. I was trying to decide what was in proximity that could be used as a weapon when I realized how silly I was being. It could be a neighbor, or a delivery, or my mother again.
Don’t be ridiculous, Stacy.
I stood up and walked over to my door and opened it, and my heart leaped when Gabriel appeared before me. He was holding two pints of ice cream stacked on top of one another in one arm and another potted orchid in the other. He held out the flower to me with a proud grin, and I laughed, remembering his irritation from the night prior when he was forced to bring me an orchid after the flower shop he went to only had that and a fern to choose from. I couldn’t imagine that he ran into the same problem again, but now it was something of an inside joke.
“You really need to pick a new flower shop, or this one has to step up their game, at least.” I chuckled as I took the flower and then leaned in to take a kiss. “What are you doing here? I thought you said your brother was in town.”
“He is,” Gabriel responded, “but he’s…weird. Luca’s dealing with him, and I wanted to see you.” He held up the ice cream. “It’s vegan. Is slamming ice cream when you’re sad still considered an unhealthy habit?”
“Unfortunately,” I said, pulling the pints from his arms and standing aside so he could enter my place. He walked past me and took another kiss as he moved. “We’ll ignore the health warnings today.”
He kicked off his shoes and walked over to the couch, and I passed the living room to go to the kitchen. I slid one of the buckets of ice cream into the freezer for safekeeping, set my orchid alongside its counterpart from the hotel on my kitchen counter, grabbed a couple of spoons, and made fo
r the couch myself. I peeled the lid off the bucket of ice cream and handed Gabriel one of the spoons, and we dug in immediately.
After starting some background music and setting it to a quiet volume, I started the conversation up again. “So, why are we slamming ice cream?”
Gabriel took a healthy bite, and it made me smile to see him so easily consuming vegan ice cream when I had to bribe him with sex to try a single piece of vegan pizza. He set his spoon into the bucket for a bit while he spoke.
“I’m sorry to have to ask you this. I know you still haven’t decided how you feel about all this stuff, but I want to talk to you about it. I know I can trust you. I can, right?” Gabriel asked.
My heart pumped, but I wanted to be Gabriel’s support system. “Of course you can.”
“Then it has to stay between us. You can’t tell anyone I told you. Even if you meet my brothers, don’t tell them.” His face was serious, and it gave me goosebumps.
“I promise I won’t say anything.” Some part of me wasn’t prepared to make such a strong commitment, but a different part of me was ready to jump into the deep end. What invisible control had Gabriel managed to establish over me? “Go ahead.”
“I haven’t told anyone this story, but…” he sighed. “My brother Alessandro is losing it, like really losing it. He wants to come back to the business.”
“Why would he want that? Isn’t he married with a kid?” I asked, and Gabriel nodded.
“Yeah, but a little over a year ago now, Sandro and his wife, Willow—when they were still just dating—they got into it bad. We were trying to sort out how to deal with this rival family that was threatening Marco, and Luca wanted him to take this snitch’s family hostage. Sandro didn’t want to, but he agreed, and Willow overheard him. The thing was, she didn’t want anything to do with our family or the life. She was willing to overlook a few things because she loved Sandro, but when she heard that he was willing to do that, she flipped out. She ran home, packed her bags, and went back to Cali, where she lives.” Gabriel’s eyes glazed over, and I could tell he was replaying the scene in his head. “Sandro was so afraid of losing her that he couldn’t walk straight. I offered to drive him to her mom’s place, where she was staying. It was a huge mistake.”
“Why?” I asked. We’d both stopped eating the ice cream now. The music sounded a thousand miles away. All I could hear was the screaming pain in Gabriel’s voice. “What happened?”
“He got down on his knees, and he begged her not to go, but she went anyway. She walked around him, and her brother drove her to the airport, and she left.” One of Gabriel’s hands was curling into a fist that was white at the knuckles. “He just sat there. For a really long time. He just sat on the ground on his knees. I was standing there the whole time, and I should have approached him or comforted him or something, but I couldn’t bring myself to get near him. I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“I’ve seen the way my brothers can get with their women. He had a gun on him, and I guess—”
“You were afraid he was going to hurt you.”
“He’s never hurt me before, and I had no reason to think that he would. I just stood there and watched him change, slowly, but surely. When he finally got up, we rode home in silence. I didn’t hear anything out of his mouth until the next day when we were in Luca’s office. We were trying to figure out what to do about these threats Marco had gotten, and Sandro, he just…he snapped. He damn near broke Luca’s nose, then he pushed me, and I nearly shattered my skull on the corner of Luca’s desk. Mol saved my life on that one.” He sighed. “It’s my fault. I should have done something. I should have chased Willow and tried to convince her to stay, or maybe I shouldn’t have brought him there at all. At least I could have given him a hug or something. I was a coward.”
To my shock, there was moisture gathering around the corners of Gabriel’s eyes. “This is all my fault. He’s a totally different person now.”
I grabbed the bucket of ice cream and moved it over to the coffee table, then I slid forward and wrapped my arms around Gabriel’s back. I pressed his head into my shoulder and rubbed. For a few seconds, it was just me, but then Gabriel’s arms wrapped around me in return. He held me close, taking deep, even breaths.
“That snap was always going to happen. You can’t hold yourself responsible for it, Gabe. You can’t make the darkness inside your brothers your problem. I know you love them, but you should be worried about bringing out their light, not fighting their shadows.” I pulled away a little to set my hands on either side of Gabriel’s face. “I can’t pretend to have any kind of solution for you and your family, but I’m here for you. Talk to me. Lean on me. Don’t bear these burdens all alone, okay? Promise me you won’t.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I can’t task you with this. I can’t drag anyone else in.”
“What do you think you did when you showed up in my yoga studio that day?” I asked with a small smile. “I was already gone.”
Gabriel nodded. “Me too.”
“So then it’s already too late. Just let me be here for you. I trust you to keep me safe.”
Gabriel rubbed his hand over my face. “I’ll never let anything hurt you.”
“I know.” I kissed his lips and pulled him back into a hug. “I’ve never felt more protected.”
17
Gabriel
The hours seemed to blend together whenever I was with Stacy. I’d look at the clock, and then I’d look back a few minutes later only to find hours had passed. She was a sweet release from my world crumbling down around me. For a sweet afternoon, I didn’t have to think about the way I’d abandoned Alessandro when he needed me most, or that I didn’t have a real answer for Ricky when he claimed I was my family’s great defender. I knew all the solutions to the problems we were having but didn’t have any idea how to get to them. When my head was pounding, my blood was thrumming at a sickening pace, and my stomach wouldn’t calm down, the second I leaned against Stacy and heard her voice in my ear telling me she was there for me, it all floated away from me, leaving me suspended in space.
We’d spent the afternoon tossing questions back and forth at one another to get to know each other better. Call it the nature of the life I led, but I hadn’t much thought about my favorite color, or favorite movie, or favorite food. In a way, the more time I spent with Stacy, the more time I spent with myself. Who knew that Gabriel Varasso’s favorite food was a cheeseburger with cheese cooked right into the middle, or that he really enjoyed spending time outside when it rained? Certainly not me. Stacy taught me more about myself in a single afternoon than I’d learned in an entire twenty-three years of life. It was astounding, and scary, and electrifying. The more of me she asked for, the more I wanted to give her. The more of me I shared with her, the more I started to feel like a whole person and not a bastard child in Varasso limbo.
“So, then my mom says,” Stacy continued, her subtle New York accent breaking forth in her excitement, “if you really want to lose your virginity here, at least let me make sure the qi is perfect. Women shouldn’t lose their virginity if the qi isn’t perfect. With the guy standing right fucking there.” She took a scoop of the second pint of ice cream we were on. “Needless to say, we ended up doing it in his car. I’m not proud of that, but I guess I’ve always regretted never having like a real first time, you know. Candles, rose petals, music. The whole shebang. Quick and dirty is good, too, though.”
I made a mental note of that desire. If a night of pure romance with candles, rose petals, and music was what she wanted, it was what she would get. I had to sort things out with my brothers, but at soon as things calmed down, I’d plan the night she always dreamed of. In a few months, I could do it again. As many times as she wanted.
“Your turn,” she worked out of her mouth around another bite of ice cream. “Who was the lucky lady that deflowered Gabriel Varasso?”
I chuckled. “Well, and I swear I’m not making this up to compliment
your story, I planned all of that for my high school girlfriend, but the night I was going to bring her, I found out she was cheating on me. Turns out, girls can get impatient when you don’t put out. Go figure.”
Stacy scoffed. “God! Some women are so dumb.” She hissed the insult like it was going to go flying out the window and make its way to my ex. “Did you do it anyway?”
“I wanted to, actually.” I took my own scoop of ice cream. “But she was already gone. She broke up with me, and then I ended up getting hammered and just doing it one night. Nothing exciting. The chick wouldn’t even give me her last name. She was just Hannah from the Bar until I finally deleted her after a painful ghosting.”
Stacy’s lips curved down into a pitying frown. “Aw. Poor popped Gabe.”
I shrugged. “There’s a happy ending. I eventually met this hot yoga studio instructor. Like…hot. She brought me home on the first night. The sex gods made up for their transgressions.”
Stacy put her finger to her lips in faux-curiosity. “Tell me more about this yoga studio instructor? Does she have beautiful, long, blonde hair.”
“The blondest and most beautiful,” I replied without hesitation, “and these deep, sterling-green eyes…and an ass.”
Stacy dropped her spoon into the bucket and started to clap. “She sounds like a ten out of ten.”
“One hundred out of ten.” I smiled, and Stacy smiled back at me. “I’m talking about you, you know?”
Stacy’s mouth widened dramatically. “Oh! I did not gather that.” Her sarcastic tone was flat and humorous.
I stared at her as she dug back into the bucket of ice cream, but a hollow scrape called back to her. She looked back in the bucket and frowned. “Aw. It’s gone.” She looked up at me. “Should we go get more?”
“I have a better idea.” I’d been struck with a random burst of inspiration. There was a piece of me that I’d always clung to as if my life depended on it. A piece of me only one other person had ever seen, and he was six feet beneath the earth now. “Come on.”
