by Seth Eden
“I was thinking about it. I was so pissed that he’d stressed you out on our big day. It was supposed to be perfect,” I replied.
“It was,” Willow responded, and the smile fell from her face. The room went silent, and I didn’t say anything for fear that it would be the wrong thing. “I miss Disneyland.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. Willow didn’t want to be too far from our daughter, Alexis, for the honeymoon, so I booked us a suite at Disneyland. We enjoyed a quiet vacation for a few days while Ricky, Willow’s brother and my best friend, watched Alexis. We spent more time in our room than on any rides, but that was exactly how I wanted it. “We paid a lot of money to go into the parks, what, once?”
“Twice. You wanted to go back on the Star Wars stuff,” Willow replied.
I laughed. “That’s right. You looked so mystified by the lightsaber. Damn, that was cute.”
“I liked the rides in the hotel room best,” Willow replied slyly, and I grinned at her. Our eyes met, and my heart started to hurt. I’d give anything to go back. “Well…”
“Yeah,” I murmured.
I watched Willow while she walked over and opened the door to the bedroom. She walked in and closed the door, and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the couch. I was committing myself to another night of no sleep when the door of the bedroom opened again. I looked over at Willow, but she didn’t say anything. She just stood in the doorway until I got up off the couch and entered the room, and she shut the door behind us.
2
Willow
Alexis crying jolted me awake. The sound of her crying while I rushed her into Ricky’s arms when strange men broke into my home in California still haunted me. Moms were innately designed to hear their babies crying, even in the dead of sleep, and now I heard it twice as clearly. I tossed my blankets back and prepared to climb out of bed when reality finally settled in. I wasn’t hearing Alexis crying. She was in Maine, and I was in Philly. I picked up my pillow and held it against my chest and closed my eyes. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend I was holding my baby in my arms again. It’d been almost six months of only seeing her through video calls. My heart was breaking, I just wanted to be with her again. I knew it was for the best. She was safer there with Ricky, Sasha, Kelly, and her cousins, but I was nearing the end of my rope. I was ready to put all of this behind me.
I set my pillow down, and the feeling of Alessandro’s arms around me ghosted against my skin. I looked back to the other side of the bed, but as expected, he also wasn’t there. His presence around me wasn’t something I dreamt. Despite knowing better, when I walked into the bedroom last night with the memories of our honeymoon on my mind, I acted against my better judgment and invited him in to spend the night with me. I shouldn’t have, I knew that, but when it came to Alessandro, my resolve was relatively low. I missed having him in bed with me, I missed sleeping with him, and I missed everything about him.
Alessandro and I had been separated for about six months, little did his brothers and their wives know. We’d made the decision, or rather, I’d made it for us right before the Binachis kidnapped and tried to kill us. We’d been putting on a front, pretending that everything was okay for our family, but behind closed doors, Alessandro and I were the worst we’d been in ten years. When he was his normal self, things were fine, but something had snapped in Alessandro around the time I got pregnant, and he’d been battling some form of mental illness that he refused to get diagnosed or medicated. It may be bi-polar disorder or maybe split personality disorder, but when it came to the business, Alessandro turned into an entirely different man. I asked him more than once to get it checked out, but when I found out he was making trips out of town for work and was really coming back to Philly to involve himself in the family business, I reached the end of my rope.
I told him I wanted a divorce.
Ultimately, it was divine intervention that the Binachis showed up a few days later to kidnap me. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have come to terms with the necessity of the organization in our lives, at least until the Binachis could be appropriately dealt with. We put all talk of a formal divorce on hold and decided to continue pretending for the time being. The only people who knew Alessandro and I weren’t really together were Ricky and Sasha, the two people in my life I told everything. All of the Varassos still thought we were together, still thought we were retiring to the same bed every night, and that was the way we wanted to keep it for now. We didn’t need to throw any other raw emotions into an already boiling-over pot.
When I found out Alessandro was taking on the head of the family, I was furious. It was like he was basically telling me to my face that he didn’t care about me, our daughter, or our family. I agreed to be with him on the condition that he was done with the organization, and he thanks my flexibility for allowing him to be involved to the end of protecting our family by taking on the most important role? I told him that I would be by his side every step of the way, and after that, I was done.
I knew his brothers were just as traumatized by their upbringing as he was, and they were no more trustworthy as confidants than Alessandro was. He needed someone in his corner to make sure that he didn’t run off and get himself killed. I loved him too much to do anything less than that, but we were fast approaching the day when we would have to break the news to the family that we weren’t going to be together anymore. The thought of it broke my heart, but my stress level was already above bursting. For my daughter, and for me, I had to part ways with the only man I ever loved.
I shook the depressing thoughts out of my mind and got out of bed. I pulled on my orange and pink silk robe and walked out of the bedroom. Alessandro was still asleep on the couch, so I walked into the small kitchen behind the living room and got to work on some coffee and breakfast. I pulled down a couple of mugs and set them aside, and then I pulled bacon and eggs out of the fridge. As it usually did, the smell of bacon sizzling on the stove stirred Alessandro from his slumber, and without saying much of anything, he got up from the couch and sat down at the table in the kitchen. I poured a glass of coffee and set it down in front of Alessandro before pulling the first pieces of bacon and eggs from the pan and sliding them onto a plate.
I set the plate in front of Alessandro, and he grumbled, “Thanks,” at me.
“You’re welcome,” I replied, before returning to the stove to prepare food for myself.
I sat down at the kitchen table opposite Alessandro, where we sat and ate breakfast in total silence. I wanted to say something about last night, how it was the last time and we can’t do it again, but it probably wasn’t necessary. He knew how I felt about it, and it was my fault, anyway. On top of that, I’d said the same thing dozens of times already and hadn’t stayed true to my word yet. I let the silence linger until Alessandro finished his breakfast.
“I’m nervous about this guy Marco wants to use,” he admitted.
I looked up. “Is he that bad?”
“Bad enough that my dad didn’t want to use him anymore. I’ll admit, he can dig shit up like no one’s business, but he’s always got an angle. It’s kind of like a genie. You have to be careful how you word stuff. Otherwise, he’ll give you the version of what you want that benefits him most.” He shook his head. “He almost killed Marco once. Marco was pissed because he asked him to find us a place to do business, and he found one in a lot that he knew was watched by the cops. He was hoping Marco wouldn’t figure it out, and then he could leverage the information against us. When Marco found out, he snapped, and the guy tried to kill him.”
“How did Marco not kill him?” I asked.
“Marco may be a bit of meathead, but he’s far from dumb. The reason this guy is so good at finding shit out is because he runs in several circles. He’s a lot of people’s ace in the hole. He didn’t want to make more enemies by taking out the city’s main rat.” He took a sip of his coffee. “It’s the oddest position of power.”
“Is it even worth it, then? If Ma
rco still can’t handle him if he needs to, what’s the point?”
“We’re already in a bad spot with the Binachis and the Carduccis, the main ones who use him, so there’s no additional risk to holding a gun to his head and telling him to just fucking do it.”
The way Alessandro spoke about taking a man’s life was terrible. It was the exact thing I didn’t want him to get involved in. This personality, the one that was a frightening amount like Alessandro’s deceased father, Angelo, was the one I could no longer stay married to.
“We haven’t talked at all about what we’re going to do about the Carduccis,” I replied.
Alessandro shook his head. “Something else is up Anthony’s ass. He’s not this pissed just because Gabriel stood him up.”
“He’s pissed because you threatened him.”
“He’s more pissed because of that, but he was in a snit before. I don’t think he ever intended to work with us.” Alessandro finished off his coffee. “I’ve gotta figure that out first. I’m hoping if we take out Dario, he’ll be willing to put a few cards on the table so that we can call a truce.”
“Do actual truces exist in this business?” I asked, finishing what was left of my breakfast.
“They have to. There may be nothing but criminals in this business, but if we didn’t all uphold certain things, it’d be the wild west. Whether or not anyone wants to admit it, our collective successes have hinged on us never breaking a few coveted rules. If Carducci broke a truce with us, that would let everyone else he has an alliance with know that he isn’t good to his word. They’d turn on him, their allies would turn on them, and we’d all be dead before any of us left the house.” He looked at me. “People will try and convince you we’re just honorable men who place our values in abnormal places, but it’s all selfish. Always has been, always will be.”
I stopped talking. I didn’t like talking to Varasso Crime Boss Alessandro. He scared me and made me feel small and dumb. I missed my husband, the same goofy kid I met all those years ago. He was inside this Alessandro somewhere, but he didn’t come out very often anymore.
My phone started to ring. Alessandro looked at it and knew what it meant. He slid his chair back, and I grabbed my phone, walked over, and sat on his lap. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and answered the call, and when the video went live, Alexis was looking back at us.
“Hi, baby!” I yelped.
Alexis poked at the phone. “Mama!”
“That’s right, it’s Mama and Daddy,” Ricky’s voice answered from off screen. “Say hi.”
“Hi, Mama.” She touched the phone’s screen. “Daddy!”
“Hey, Daddy’s girl,” Alessandro replied, sounding more like his normal self. “I miss you.”
“Miss Daddy,” Alexis replied. “Miss Mama.”
She’d grown so much since I held her last, it was painful. My own daughter was growing up without me. It killed me. “I miss you, baby. Are you being good for Uncle Ricky?”
“Say, ‘I’m the only one being good for Uncle Ricky,’” Ricky responded for her.
Alexis smiled brightly at the phone, and I sniffled back a few tears. “That’s my girl.”
“We’re gonna see you very soon, okay, my baby?” Alessandro said.
“Should we show them, Lex?” Ricky said. “Say, ‘Yay!’”
Alexis started to clap her hands. “Yay!”
Alessandro and I freaked out. We looked at each other, wide-eyed and smiling. “Our daughter is so smart!” I screeched.
“Yeah, she is,” Alessandro responded, and his arm around my back squeezed me.
I laid my head on his and let the fantasy wrap me up for a second. His fingers caressed my leg, and for a brief moment, we were a family again, happy and loving.
“Tell Mama and Daddy, ‘Bye,’ Lexi,” Ricky said from off screen.
Alexis held up a hand and clasped her hand together, though backward. “Bye!”
“Bye!” Alessandro and I replied together.
Alexis stood up and fluttered away immediately, off to play with her cousins, and the camera shifted so that Ricky came into view. “Hey.”
“Thanks for taking such good care of her, man,” Alessandro said. “She loves you.”
“I love her. I know I’m biased, but…” He leaned toward the screen and whispered, “She’s the cutest one.”
“That’s not bias. That’s just facts,” Alessandro said back, looking at me, and we both laughed.
The allure of the moment faded, and I realized we were getting too comfortable. I stood up off of Alessandro’s lap. “Hang on, Ricky.”
“Yeah.”
I gave Alessandro one last look and then carried the phone back to the bedroom and shut the door. I sat on the bed and tried my hardest not to burst out into tears. “I miss you,” I said.
“I miss you. You guys seem better,” he said.
“No,” I replied. “I just don’t want Alexis to see it. Not just yet.”
“Oh,” Ricky said, sounding disappointed. In many ways, he was caught in the middle just as much as Alexis was. He was Alessandro’s best friend and had been since they were kids. “Now that you mention it, you look exhausted. Are you sleeping okay?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “I’m not cut out for this.”
“So, don’t do it,” Ricky retorted. “Come to Maine. Be with Lex again. Help me with these damn children. Anna has officially learned, hypothetically. She’s bartering with me about everything.”
I chuckled a little. “That sounds about right.”
“You’d be happier here. Let them tie things up. You’d feel better if you had Lexi.”
“I would,” I replied, “but I can’t leave Sandro.”
He sighed. “You don’t make any sense. Are you guys okay, or aren’t you?”
“It’s not that black and white, Ricky. We’ve been through this.” I tried not to get angry because I knew he was just as frustrated as I was. “I’m all he has. If I leave…there’s no telling what could happen. Besides, I don’t have many days left with him. I guess I’m trying not to rush through them. I promised him that I would stay by him until the end. It’s difficult, but I want to be by his side while we see this through.”
“I still don’t get it, but if you feel that strongly about it, I support you. Just try and get some more sleep, okay? Go see Bella. Get away from it all for a little bit. Promise me?” Ricky said.
I nodded. “I will. I promise. She’s out of town for work this week, but we’re gonna get together when she’s back.”
“Okay, good.” He rubbed a hand through his hair. It was getting longer. He chose to start growing it out after his fiancee and my best friend, Sasha, admitted that she was attracted to her latest co-star who had long hair. He didn’t need to do it. Sasha loved him and would never cheat on him, but it looked good on him, and she liked it, so it turned out okay. “I love you, kid.”
“I love you, too, kid. Bye.”
I ended the call and sat in the silence for a few minutes. It would be easier to go to Maine, but if I was honest with myself, I had to admit, I didn’t want to be apart from Alessandro just as much as I didn’t want to be apart from Alexis.
I heard a door outside the bedroom close and knew that Alessandro had left for his office. I needed to get up and get dressed. There was a meeting of the family soon, and with Alessandro in charge, I was the first lady.
3
Alessandro
I was exhausted, but not from overwork or lack of sleep. Being around Willow was both a blessing and a curse. It had happened to us more than once since we decided to split. One of us would travel down a memory, and we would follow the feelings until we were spilling into bed together. She was as much a part of me as my arms and legs. When she asked me to lay with her, I couldn’t tell her no. I never would. I knew what she said was true—each time we slept together, it made the inevitable end more difficult, but even as I knew it, I couldn’t stop myself. I just wanted to hold her and be wi
th her the way we used to be. The weakness in my resolve carried me from the kitchen table to her door, hoping to take advantage of the happiness our daughter brought us for a few more minutes of pretending, but when I got to her door, I could hear her talking to Ricky on the other side.
“I promised him that I would stay by him until the end. It’s difficult, but I want to be by his side while we see this through.”
I pulled back. I hated hearing that Willow thought that anything with me was difficult. Being together used to be easier than blinking, and now it was a chore. What little bit of my heart the last few minutes had put back together crumbled and broke once more, and I walked past the bedroom door, instead, heading for the closet at the end of the hallway. I opened it, pulled out one of my suits, and closed it again. I grabbed a few things I could use to freshen myself up from the bathroom, picked up my phone, laptop, and keys, and left the suite.
The bedrooms of the Varasso estate were all on the second floor, and the business operated on the third. Not far from the suite that the head of the household lived in was a thin staircase that led up to the third floor and through a door that exited right in front of the head-of-household office. For my entire childhood, the office belonged to my dad, and I wasn’t allowed inside. When I became a teenager and started to involve myself in the business, I was allowed in, but only when he called me. After my dad died, the office went to Luca, and he sat in the office and led the family. It was okay at first, but once he got married, it was a steady decline. He led the family weakly and ineffectually. Snuffing out Dario Binachi and his legions wasn’t going to be an easy task. It needed someone who wasn’t afraid to get a little ruthless if they needed to. Luca wasn’t that person, but I was.
