He was rigid in my arms, suddenly moving much faster, moaning into my neck and darting his tongue between my lips.
"Fuck..."
"I want you to come, Callum," I whispered, stroking his face as the little convulsions of pleasure shook themselves through me."I want you to come inside me. Ple-"
I didn't even finish the sentence before his whole body stiffened and his hips suddenly jerked down, pinning me to the bed. I watched his face collapse into a grimace of ecstasy, his teeth clenching shut and his hands holding me where he needed me to be. When he was finished he stayed inside me for a little longer, thrusting again, making sure he'd emptied himself completely.
It's so dangerous at times like that - a danger I only perceived as the moment was upon me. I was overwhelmed by him and the mind-erasing sweetness of his invasion. If I'd been less experienced I would have rolled over and told him I loved him right then and there. But I didn't. I lay beside him and waited for my breath to slow down again, completely taken with him in a way I had known was going to happen if we ever did what we'd just done, but reflexively self-protective enough to say nothing about it. It was Callum who rolled over first, reaching out and placing one of his big hands on my belly. He was smiling.
"I waited a long time for that, Lily," he said.
I smiled back. "So did I."
"You want to hear something?"
He was in that post-coital confessional mood some men get into. The thing was, I actually did want to hear what he had to say. I wanted to hear anything Callum Cross had to say, and that worried me.
"Sure. Were you a virgin or something?" I teased.
"Ha, yes Lily, I was a virgin and now you've ruined me. Well done. No, you adorable idiot, what I wanted to say is that that's actually the first time I've ever waited. So I guess maybe I was a waiting-for-it virgin. Does that count?"
I rolled over on my side and faced him.
"Really? What do you mean you've never waited? You just see a woman you like and have sex with her right there, that very minute?"
Callum leaned his head back, laughing, and the light caught his jawline. God, he was so sexy. I couldn't get away from it.
"No. Well, not exactly. I mean, damn, Lily, why do I feel self-conscious about this? Stop looking at me like I'm an alien."
"I'm not looking at you like that! If I'm looking you in any way it's just because you're fucking gorgeous and I can't really think straight with you lying there like a side of beef."
He pulled me closer to him and kissed my neck. "Sorry for being so distracting, it's always been a problem. Women can't even look at me without losing their minds - it's very difficult for me, Lily."
"You're probably more right than you know," I remarked, seeing that he was joking. "That's probably the reason you've never waited for sex. Because you never had to."
He chuckled. "I don't know. I think it's different for men. It never really crossed my mind to wait, you know? I've heard women saying that waiting is a good thing, it makes it better when you finally stop waiting, all that stuff, but I never thought it was...real. I thought it was just women who didn't actually want to have sex."
"Well do you feel differently now? Now that for the first time in your life, a woman didn't just get on her knees the second she met you?"
Callum gave me a playful smack on the hip. "Be quiet, woman."
"For real, though - you've never had to wait? Every relationship you've ever been in just started with sex, like, right away?"
I guess I wasn't too surprised. Callum was exceptionally, undeniably good-looking, and he had that air of being in control that I knew from experience drove most women crazy.
"I'm not sure I've ever been in a relationship, now that I think about it."
I raised my eyebrows. "What?! Right, Callum. Don't be modest, I'm pretty sure you don't have any difficulty."
"No, I'm actually serious. I'm not saying I haven't been with a lot of women, because I, uh, I guess I have. But I've never been in a serious relationship. You know, where you're with that one person for more than, like, a week."
I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. Maybe if he'd been a painfully good-looking asshole, I would have. But Callum wasn't an asshole. He was actually pretty smart and together, as far as I could tell. Also, even though I knew it wasn't fair because none of us can change our past, his mentioning the women he'd been with started a little clamor of insecurity in my mind. I didn't particularly want to think about all the women Callum had slept with. It didn't feel great.
"Well did those women want to have relationships with you?" I asked.
"You mean did they want me to only sleep with them?"
"Yeah."
"Uh, yeah, I think so. Some of them anyway. I just never - I never felt that for them. I never felt like I wanted anything more. Is that strange?"
"Do you just make a habit of sleeping with people you don't really like?" I queried, failing to keep a certain tautness out of my tone.
Callum started to say no and then stopped, actually giving it some thought. "To be honest, Lily, I don't think I've ever given it much thought. If she's all hot and bothered for me and she makes my dick hard, I'm in."
I rolled my eyes. "I bet you are."
He propped himself up on one elbow and bent down to kiss me, just under my left breast. Then he looked up at me and I couldn't help reaching down and running my fingers through his short hair.
"You know what I think, Lily Parker?" He asked, his blue eyes locked on me so I couldn't look away.
"What?"
"I don't think you're as smart as you think you are."
"Oh?" I replied, fighting an increasingly desperate battle to keep things light. "And why's that?"
"Because I can see you're getting all pouty talking about this."
Goddamn, that guy was better at reading me than anyone I'd ever met. I used to consider myself a very skilled concealer-of-emotions before I met Callum Cross and experienced his seemingly effortless ability to read my mind.
"I'm not getting pouty, I'm just tired," I said, finally managing to break the spell of his eyes and glancing away.
"Yes you are, Lily, don't lie. And you haven't even figured out why I brought this up in the first place. Come on, don't disappoint me."
I was about to throw some smart-ass comment back at him when it hit me. And as soon as it hit me, just how vulnerable I was, how close I was to confessing things I didn't want to confess, I pushed the emotions right back down where they had come from. I couldn't do that. Nope. Especially not lying naked next to him in bed.
"See, you know why," Callum whispered gently, aware of the fact that the feeling between us had changed in the last few minutes. "Because I waited this time and I'm really fucking glad I did," he continued."I'm not going to pretend I haven't been a total man-whore, Lily, but I really didn't know that that - what we just did - was what everyone was talking about. I didn't understand it until now. Now I get it."
When he didn't quite say it - when he didn't quite say "I feel more for you than I ever felt for any of those other girls" - I had the odd sensation of being both relieved and dismayed. I knew it was time to leave. I knew it was an asshole move, too, but I had to. I was too close to saying something stupid. I was too close to feeling something stupid.
"I have to go, Callum. I have work tomorrow."
He pulled away and leaned back on the bed. "What? Oh Christ, fine, Lily."
I knew he was annoyed, but the urge to leave was getting worse by the second. I got dressed without catching his eye. My bag - the one with the glasses from the Streatham Club - was sitting on the floor beside the door where I'd placed it. Callum walked to the front door with me.
"Why are you leaving?" He demanded.
"I told you, I have work tomorrow."
"Come on, Lily. I'm not an idiot. You're leaving because you're freaked out. Don't bullshit me."
I looked up at him. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and nev
er let go. That was the whole reason I had to leave.
"No, Callum. I'm not freaked out. I'm completely fine, I just need to get some sleep."
He wasn't buying it. And why should he? It was, as he had just said, bullshit. But bullshit or not, I had to go. Staying meant more conversation, more questions, more of his hands on me, and I knew I couldn't take any more of that without breaking. It was ridiculous and rude and I knew it, but the self-preservation instinct in me had taken over.
"OK," he said, seeing that I was serious."When can I see you again?"
I turned towards the door and put my hand on the knob. "I'll call you."
Before I could open it, Callum's hand closed on my wrist."No."
"No?"
"Yeah, no, Lily. I see that something's going on here and you don't want to tell me what it is. That's fine, I'm not going to push, you can tell me when you feel like telling me. But don't treat me like a stupid kid. You know as well as I do what just happened here. So at least have the fucking decency to tell me when I'll see you next. Or if you're just planning on ghosting."
"I'm not ghosting, Callum. I'm not - I, uh,"
I paused, desperate for reassurance and determined not to ask him for it.
"Lily! Look at me! You really are acting like a dick right now, you know that? Do you need me to be clearer? I want to see you again, alright? I really want to see you again. I've never met anyone like you and I think about you every fucking minute. OK? Is that enough? Do you require further confessions that you're unwilling to return or will that do?"
I turned towards Callum and pressed my face into his bare chest, breathing him in. That was what I'd wanted. And the fact that I'd wanted it so much was just another thing on the list of things I was going to think about...later.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, still not willing to meet his eyes. "I really like you too, Callum. I mean, I really like you. But you don't know me very well and I - I just, I am the way I am, I-"
He reached down and took my face in my hands, forcing me to look up at him."You really like me?"
He was smiling. I smiled back automatically, helplessly."Yeah, dummy. Now let me go before I embarrass myself further."
He bent down and kissed my mouth before whispering in my ear: "When can I see you again?"
"This week. The end of the week. Thursday or Friday."
"Alright, good. That's all I wanted."
Just as I was about to close the door behind me, Callum sneaked his hand through the gap and gave me a sharp smack on the ass.
"That's for being difficult!" He called after me.
I spent the taxi ride home alternating between smiling and chewing my bottom lip. He said he thought about me all the time. Was it true? Why would he lie? Because he was young and, if not sexually at least emotionally inexperienced? I knew better than he did how sex - especially the kind we'd just had - could toy with your mind. I wanted nothing more than for it to be true, but I couldn't yet count on it. I couldn't put myself in that position again after working so hard to build a life of self-sufficiency, a life that involved relying on only myself. I stared out the window at the people on the sidewalk, wondering how many of them were in love or falling out of love or pining for someone they couldn't have. I really wanted what Callum had said to be true. I wanted it so much it terrified me.
Chapter 15: Callum
Lily Parker was mine. She may not have known it at that time, she may have thought she was being tricky, but she wasn't - and I knew exactly what her issue was. Like most of us are driven to do, she was protecting herself. The thing was, I knew she didn't have to protect herself from me. I knew that what I felt for her was probably more than she felt in return - and she obviously felt something. If she needed me to work, I'd work. If she needed me to prove myself, I'd prove myself.
I didn't shower before going to bed because I wanted the taste of her mouth and her soft, pale skin on my lips. I also wanted the scent of her sweet, perfect pussy on my fingers and my cock. I had to jerk off twice before I could even get to sleep. If she let me in, and I was set on making that happen, she wasn't going to know what hit her.
The next morning I woke up to my phone ringing. I'd forgotten to switch it to vibrate. Fuck. I looked at the screen, hoping to see Lily's name. Gazza. Double fuck.
"You're going to have to start paying me more, mate," I grumbled, my voice thick with sleep, when I answered.
"Callum?"
Something was up. I could hear it in his voice. If this was going to become the new normal, I wasn't sure I wanted to keep working for Gazza.
"Yeah, Gaz, it's me. I'm asleep."
"I need you here. Now. Meeting."
I groaned. Another meeting? "Gaz, can it wait, I-"
"No it cannot fucking wait, Callum! There's a copper in the Club. A mole. And we have to find out who it is. So if you don't want me thinking it's you I suggest you get your fucking arse down here right now, you got me?"
"What?" I asked, "Moles?"
What the fuck was Gazza talking about? My granddad used to have moles in his garden. The Streatham Club didn't have a garden. It had a parking lot.
"A mole, Callum. Singular. A. Mole. A copper, working undercover. Someone we know."
"Alright mate," I sighed, still too sleepy to understand what the hell Gazza was talking about."I'll be there in fifteen."
Gazza hung up without saying another word and I stumbled into the bathroom, scratching my balls and grinning as the memory of last night with Lily came flooding back.
Lily. Sweet, beautiful, vulnerable Lily who thought she was good at hiding things. I shouldn't have been so hard on her. She was obviously covering up her soft spots, and that was something I could understand. I composed a text as I was racing around the flat trying to find my keys:
"Good morning, beautiful. I wish you were still in my bed."
As soon as I sent it I regretted it. Why did I mention bed? She was going to think I was just trying to fuck her again. Like she was just another woman, one of many. Fuck, why had I told her about the other women? It's not like she was going to be impressed. I mean, I did want fuck her again, but she wasn't just another woman. Lily was something entirely new and surprising to me, and I reminded myself that I was going to have to handle her with care.
Gazza was at the door when I got to the Club, sticking his head out into the too-bright morning and scanning the parking lot.
"Jesus mate, is that necessary?" I asked, not sure whether to roll my eyes or smile at the level of paranoia on display. It's funny how eager some men are to imagine their life is a crime movie. He'd said the mole was a regular, someone we knew, so I wasn't even sure what he was looking for. Black-clad men hiding behind the bushes with listening devices?
Gazza hustled me inside and I saw that the place was totally empty of customers, which was unusual. The regulars - especially the alcoholics - often started trickling in at around nine in the morning. Seated at the bar were Ian, Mick and, to my great disappointment, Gazza’s son Dave. Shit. There was also Craig, another freelance fighter who I'd talked to a few times on fight nights but didn't know too well. We exchanged nods, but Gazza was impatient to get to the point so I just sat down on one of the stools as he poured himself a whiskey, which he promptly dropped on the floor, sending glass shards everywhere.
"Bollocks!" He yelled."Stan!"
Stan immediately appeared, cringing like a beaten animal.
"Clean this shit up. And get me another fucking whiskey!"
As soon as Stan grabbed the broom, Gazza grabbed him by the back of his shirt."Whiskey first, you fucking div."
The light wasn't very good but I could see Gazza's eyes were red-rimmed and he was obviously extremely stressed out - more stressed out than I'd ever seen him, actually. When he had his drink in his hands, he finally sat down, looking around at each of us.
"Right, boys. We got problems."
"Everything's in order on the delivery end, boss. No issues there," Ian said, watching Gazza closely.
Delivery? I didn't have any idea what that was about, but I didn't particularly care at that point, either.
"Yeah, that's fine," Gazza replied, "I mean, they need it tonight, but that's fine. We still got problems. Got word from our man in the Met that they're looking to collect DNA samples from everyone here. We're probably looking at listening devices, too. Now, do ANY of you have any fucking idea who this is? Because dealing with this isn't something we can put off anymore."
It was obvious from the looks on everyone's faces that no one had any idea who it was.
"Jimmy?" Craig offered doubtfully. "That new fighter? He's only been around for a fortnight hasn't he?"
Gazza and Ian exchanged looks and Ian shook his head. "Nah. Not Jimmy. No way he's a copper."
"Well until we can be sure, he's out. Not just the fights, either, I don't want him allowed a foot into this place until we know."
Ian scratched his chin. "How about that bird with the great tits - Callum's latest conquest? She's new."
"She is," Gazza nodded, turning to me. "What's going on there, Callum? You fucked her? She pumping you for info? Anything?"
A sinking feeling started up in my stomach. I knew it wasn't Lily, but I couldn't prove it and I didn't like the tone in Gazza's voice. I didn't think he was a particularly violent man - at least I hadn't thought so, not until recently. A beating at most, and only when it was deserved. Events outside Paris has put that little notion to rest for good. My boss was clearly becoming OK - or always had been OK - with all sorts of violence, including murder.
"Bring her in, Callum. I want to talk to her. Should have done it the first time she showed up, but she was with the Fillies wasn't she? We all know why they're here and it ain't police business, innit."
There was a general snickering before everyone turned to me. I didn't want to bring Lily 'in'. No fucking way. Whatever this was, I wanted her a hundred miles away from any of it.
"Nah mate, it's not her," I said, looking Gazza in the eye, "and there's no fucking way I'm bringing her in here. No chance."
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