"I have to tell you something, Lily," he said. Something in his tone made me look up. "I have to tell you this. I have to let you know before either of us does anything stupid."
Oh God. I really did not like his sudden seriousness.
"Callum," I asked, sitting up again as my nerves started to jangle, "what is it? You sound like you're about to confess something dire."
He rubbed his hand over his forehead. "Well, I think I might be. I have to leave Streatham. I have to move."
"OK..." I said, my mind racing. What had happened? Had there been some disagreement at the Club? "Why? Did something happen?"
"Yeah. A lot of things happened. I've actually managed to get myself into something that makes illegal fights look like nothing. Gazza's into some heavy shit, some shit I didn't know about, and he's trying to pull me into it, too. I know if I stay I'm going to get sucked in even further, and I don't want that."
"Oh?"
I tried to keep my voice neutral, not to betray an interest greater than my concern for Callum himself would warrant. I didn't even realize that that was all my interest was. I wasn't asking questions for the investigation, and I wasn't suddenly filled with worry about it. My concern was for Callum and for Callum only. The pit of anger inside me that had been there since Linda Trout's murder flared up like a fire. What the fuck was Gazza trying to get Callum involved in now? Without even realizing it I was already viewing him as a victim of his boss, not a colleague.
"Yeah. It's a long story and if you don't mind, I don't want to go into details right now. I will, but just - not right now. I don't even want to talk about this, I just reckoned you should know."
"You have to move. OK. Is Gazza threatening you?"
"No - well, not specifically and not just yet, but I'm out and he isn't going to like that."
He was out. Out of what?
"Are you talking about what happened in France?" I asked.
"Yeah. I mean, yeah, I am. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I wanted you to know that I'm leaving Streatham. I might even have to leave London. It depends."
I squeezed in closer to Callum's warm, solid body. "OK, Callum. I'm going to be honest, this worries me. This really worries me. I mean, it's not like I don't worry about you, especially since that night at the service station... But if you're really getting out then I think that's the right thing to do. And if you have to move it doesn't, uh, it doesn't really change anything for me."
He exhaled when I said that, and I felt his body relax.
"What?" I asked."Did you think I was somehow going to lose all interest if you moved?"
"No, it's not about the moving. It's - well, I guess it's about the club. The fighting. I'm well aware of the fact that women love that part of what I do. The Posh Fillies liked it. They get their bit of rough, they get the thrill, all that. I suppose I just wanted to let you know in case you wouldn't find me as attractive if I was a builder or a plumber or something like that. The whole fighter thing drops knickers and I don't quite think a plumber’s crack would, you know?"
I laughed. "If it was your crack it would."
I sensed that Callum's revealing of his worries was a big step. I could feel what a big deal it was to him to do that and it just made me want to reassure him. If he was getting out, that was excellent news. It allowed me to push everything else, including the investigation, to the back of my mind - for that one day, anyway. I turned my head and kissed his bicep.
"Don't worry, idiot. I'll still fancy you if you decide to raise llamas in the countryside. I think it's too late for anything else."
He kissed my forehead. "Good. I'm happy to hear that, Lily. And listen, I want you to know that what we've got here - right now, this, us - it's nothing like anything I've ever had with anyone else, and especially not with any of the Fillies."
I grinned, still unable to get over the term 'Fillies.' "I know, Callum. I know it's not."
Then I remembered something he'd said. A word he'd used. "Actually, on that note, can I ask you a stupid question?"
He grinned. "You can ask me all the stupid questions in the world, Lily Parker."
"You, um. You said something. When we were - when we, uh-"
"When we were fucking?"
"Yeah, then. You said something and I was wondering if you said it to anyone else. I mean, to Pandora or anyone. It's not a big deal if you did, I was just curious."
Callum made a face like he didn't believe for a second that I didn't consider it a big deal.
"Did you - uh, shit, goddamnit, I don't think I can ask this, it's too embarrassing. I'm not sixteen. Never mind."
Instead of saying anything immediately, he pulled me onto his lap and buried his face in my neck. "Tell me."
I could feel my cheeks and the tips of my ears getting hot. "No, Callum it doesn't matter."
He looked up at me. "Was it the part when I asked you if you were going to come?"
"No."
"Was it the part when I told you your pussy felt like heaven? Wait, was that you? I can't remember." He laughed and moved away from my hand when I tried to slap him.
"Come on, Lily. Tell me. I want to know."
I was still hesitant and self-conscious. "It was something you, ugh, Callum, why are you making me tell you this?! It was something you called me. I was just - I was wondering if it was some kind of standard thing you called women."
He was quiet for a few moments, thinking. Then he pulled me in close and buried his face in my neck, whispering. "'Baby.' Is that it? Baby? Lily, no, I didn't call any of them baby. I've never called anyone baby, actually, it always seemed a little contrived. It just came out earlier, with you."
I scrunched my face up, too embarrassed to look at him. "Ugh, I can't believe I had to ask you that. I'm not actually this insecure - I mean, not all the time, anyway."
He pulled me even tighter against him. "I don't give a shit if you're insecure or not, Lily. I don't care if you're a serial killer or a spaghetti farmer or a deadly ninja or anything else. You can ask me anything you like, because I don't think it's possible for me to react badly to anything, as long as you're the one saying it."
I burst out laughing, partly with relief. "A spaghetti farmer? Callum, what the hell is a spaghetti farmer?"
He pulled a serious face. "You know, Lily. They have them in Italy. Where did you think spaghetti comes from?"
"You're an idiot," I told him, nestling into his body and sighing with happiness.
We spent the rest of the afternoon together, cocooned in a warm haze, both of us completely and utterly taken with each other. It was the best feeling I'd ever experienced in my life and I could not stop smiling the whole time. Callum walked up behind me at one point and wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm so happy right now, Lily. I'm just so fucking happy. My face is actually sore from smiling."
I turned around and looked right into his blue eyes. "Me too, Callum. I didn't even know I could feel like this. I didn't know life could be this sweet. You know?"
Generally, I'm that idiot who spends happy times half-terrified over the knowledge that, sooner or later, they're going to end. That afternoon, one of the few times my worry might have been justified, it was nowhere to be found.
I should have anticipated what was coming, but when my phone rang at just after nine p.m. no part of me suspected that my perfect day with Callum was about to come to an abrupt end. I almost didn't answer it. In fact it was Callum himself who encouraged me to do so.
It was Superintendent Akin's voice on the other end. The first thing he did was ask me if I was alone.
"No." I replied.
"Who are you with?"
"I, uh," I started, surprised by Akin's odd line of questioning, "I'm with Callum."
"Alright. Lily, I want you to listen to me. I have something important to tell you, and I need you to listen carefully."
"OK," I said slowly, a little annoyed at the tone in Akin's voice. Why was he talking to me like I w
as a toddler? He never talked to me that way. It was one of the reasons we got along so well.
"Where are you? Go somewhere where you won't be heard."
I walked into the kitchen as my irritation levels increased."OK."
"Are you alone now?" Akin asked.
"Yes! What's going on?"
I listened to him take a deep breath. "We got the DNA results back and there was a partial match."
My head started to spin. He'd asked me to step away from Callum. Why would he do that? A sliver of ice tickled its way up my spine.
"And who...what was it?" I asked, my voice faltering.
"Callum Cross. You need to leave the flat, Lily. Come into the-"
Akin kept talking but I didn't hear much of it. I barely stayed standing up. No. It couldn't be him. It couldn't be.
"Lily? Lily, are you still there?" Akin's voice seeped back into my consciousness, as if from a great distance.
"I, uh, yes, I'm here," I replied as my heart pounded and my mind raced with possibilities, all of them revolving around ways the DNA results could be wrong.
"Say the word and we can have armed officers at your flat within five minutes."
"No." My reply was instinctive on two levels - one, if police showed up the undercover investigation into the Streatham Club would be over and, two, I just didn't - couldn't - feel like Callum was a threat. "No, Akin, I'll take care of this. I'll call you in twenty minutes."
"Are you sure? Are you in any danger?"
Was I in any danger? I certainly didn't sense it. I'd never felt in less danger in my life than I had that afternoon with Callum. But I also knew that my own perspective on that point wasn't exactly unbiased. I took a breath and steadied my voice.
"No, it's fine. I'll call you in twenty minutes."
I hung up and turned to find Callum standing in the sitting room, staring at me.
"Who was that?" He asked, his face showing what I would have interpreted five minutes earlier as concern. "Is everything alright?"
I had to get him out of my flat. I had to get him out and I had to keep the real reason why to myself. So I lied.
"No, everything's not alright. A close friend has been in a serious accident. I have to go to the hospital, right now."
Callum walked over to me and tried to put his arms around me but I ducked away, making excuses.
"No, Callum, I have to go right now."
He stepped back, confused. "OK, Lily. Alright. Do you need me to come with you? Do you need anything?"
I could feel my mind splitting in two. There wasn’t one little voice in the background, there were two equal voices. One telling me the DNA couldn't be wrong, the other telling me there was no way Callum could be cold-blooded enough to murder Linda Trout. All I knew was that I needed him out of my flat so I could call Superintendent Akin back. And so I could sort my thoughts out and decide what I was going to do.
"I'm sorry, no, there's nothing you can do. I need you to leave."
I shouldn't have phrased it like that. I should have said "I have to leave" or "I'll call you later tonight." But my thoughts were jumbled and it came out wrong.
Callum put his hands on my shoulders and tried to get me to look at him. "Lily, what's going on here? Why are you suddenly so desperate for me to leave?"
What I wanted to do was bury my head into his chest and let him reassure me, but it was out of the question. I avoided his gaze. What if it had been him? It couldn't be. But what if it was, I asked myself over and over, even as I was trying to push the question away. What if it was?
"Callum!" I yelled, feeling like I was about to cry."I'm sorry if I'm handling this badly but I'm really freaked out and you're distracting me! I just need to get out of here!"
He took a step back and looked at me for a few seconds. "OK, Lily. OK. I'll go. Promise me something first."
"What?"
I felt cold sweat running down the back of my neck. It couldn't be him. It couldn't be.
"Promise me you'll call me later. After you've visited your friend. You're - you seem very upset right now and I want to know when you've made it home."
"OK. Yes, I'll call you when I get in!"I was practically hustling him towards the door. He could easily have stopped me but he didn't. When he moved to kiss me I thought of turning my head away but I couldn't do it. The memory of his mouth on mine was too fresh, too sweet.
As soon as the door closed I went to the window and peeked out the curtains, watching as Callum walked down towards the end of the road where he'd parked. Then I picked up my phone and called Akin back. When he answered, his voice was tense with concern.
"Is he gone?"
"Yes. I didn't tell him anything. Obviously."I winced at the 'obviously.' It sounded so defensive.
"Good. Now, Lily. You need to come in for a meeting tomorrow morning."
"Yes, of course. I'll be there first thing. We don't have enough to arrest him for murder yet, do we?"
I was gripped by paranoia, worried that Akin could hear the tone of my voice, which was more childlike and hopeful rather than triumphant, which it should have been given the break we'd just had in the case.
"No. But we-"
"We can bring him in for questioning. Ask him about an alibi. Take an official DNA sample."
I had finished Akin's sentence for him, knowing he was about to say the same thing, but suddenly eager to impress upon him that I was as keen as ever to solve Linda Trout's murder.
"Yes."
"Akin," I asked, "can I make a request?"
My superintendent made an affirmative noise.
"I want to make the call. To arrest him, I mean. If it comes to that."
"It's your investigation, Morgan, it's your call to make."
Damnit, of course it was. I spread my fingers out across the countertop and pressed down until my knuckles were white.
"I know we can talk about this tomorrow morning, but regarding the DNA - you said it was a partial match?"
Akin was quiet for a few seconds. "Yes, Lily, both samples were partial, but what we've got matches."
"Alright. OK," I said, trying to sound businesslike when all I wanted to do was crumple into a heap on the floor and weep.
I clung to the word 'partial' and pushed the word 'match' to the back of my mind.
"Now I have to ask you a question, Morgan, and I want you to answer me honestly. This is your case. I trust you. I'm not taking you off it, but I need to know. How close have you and Callum Cross become?"
I had to tell Akin the truth. He almost certainly knew it already anyway. "We've become close," I replied quietly.
Silence on the other end. I kept going. "Yes, we've become close. But I just want to say, right now, that I'll go wherever the evidence leads me. If Callum killed Linda Trout, I'll arrest him myself, Akin."
"Well, the evidence certainly seems to be pointing in a specific direction."
I hated hearing the hesitance in Akin's voice, the sliver of doubt I knew he was probably fighting as hard as I was - and knowing it was me he was doubting, not the evidence.
"Yes, it does. I'll be in first thing in the morning. Sir, you know me."
"Yes, Lily, I do. I don't want you to interpret anything I'm saying right now as my doubting your abilities. It's worry for you more than anything else. Personal concern, nothing more."
We hung up and I slumped over the kitchen counter, out of breath. I stayed there for a long time, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to get my mind to slow down. The warm glow of what had transpired between Callum and I hadn't even left my body and there I was, facing the real possibility that he was the man who had murdered Linda Trout.
I spent the next few hours on the sofa with a bottle of white wine, flipping back and forth between the hard and incontrovertible fact of the DNA and the soft but no less compelling fact that I truly didn't think he had done it. Had he? Nothing I knew about Callum, even if I admitted to myself that maybe I didn't know as much as I felt I did, lent itself to hi
s being a killer. He had no idea I was a police officer. He had no reason to tell me what had happened in France or about his plans to extricate himself from Gary Wilson's small but apparently growing crime empire.
At almost two a.m. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror brushing my teeth, hardly able to meet my own gaze. Had I been fooled? Me? The woman whose self-esteem was almost entirely built on the back of her ability to do good, thorough police work? I knew damn well what I would think of anyone else in my situation. I'd think she was a dupe, an idiot. Hypnotized by a dimpled smile and strong jawline, some sweet words and an even sweeter cock.
Logic. Evidence. The refusal to go with what felt good in the face of what was true, no matter how ugly that truth was. That was me. That was how I ran my life.
I crawled into bed drained of all mental energy. One foot in front of the other, I told myself. Go where the evidence leads. Follow the steps. If he's guilty, find proof and arrest him. If he isn't, don't. I knew it wasn't going to be that simple. But I had to give myself something to hold onto, if only to allow myself a few hours of sleep before facing the next day and the possibility that I might be forced to arrest the man I had already fallen in love with.
Chapter 17: Callum
I drove back through a drizzly London night accompanied by a nagging feeling of unease that I couldn't shake. Lily said a friend had been in an accident, but there had been something off about her reaction. She hadn't seemed worried as much as she'd seemed suddenly scared. I couldn't figure it out. What did Lily have to be afraid of? Nothing she'd ever said to me had led me to believe she lived a life that was anything less than wholly above-board. She hadn't just seemed scared, either. She'd seemed scared of me. And Lily had absolutely nothing to fear from me.
Unless. Unless - and the thought refused, even at that point, to come fully to the surface of my consciousness - Gazza had been right. About someone undercover. Not Lily. But - why not Lily? Why was I so adamant that it wasn't her? She was sharp as hell. She was interested in everything I had to say about the Streatham Club and Gazza and the things we'd gotten up to.
I told myself to calm down. I'd caught feelings for Lily Parker, that was all. The man who thought love was a myth people invented to make their transition into domesticity easier was falling in love, and his psyche was having trouble dealing with it. That was it. That had to be it.
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