Everywhere & Nowhere

by Tracy Lorraine

  “You’re so fucking hot,” he whispers in my ear. “And this is fucking torture.”

  I can’t help myself; I run my hand up this thigh before finding exactly what I was expecting, him as hard as steel beneath his shorts.

  “Erin,” he warns, his shock evident in his voice.

  I keep forgetting that Jay still sees me as that shy twenty-year-old he first met, who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I hadn’t realised how much I’d changed over the past five years until we reconnected and I saw the shock on his face when I did things like this, that I never would have dreamt of doing back then.

  I lean farther into him and whisper in his ear, “I’ve learnt that it’s best to just go for it when you want something. You never know when it might be taken away from you.” His head turns to me and his brows draw together in understanding. He stares at me for a second before his hand comes up to my neck and he pulls me towards him. His lips are still against mine for a long time. I can only imagine he’s thinking about what we could have lost and how grateful he is that we’re here, just like I am.

  He smiles at me when he pulls back and it tells me everything I need to know.

  We spend way too long in the hot tub. When we eventually get out, we’re all like prunes.

  After wrapping Denny in a towel, I direct him straight to the bathroom so he can shower. We leave Jay behind; he told us to go on and that he’d put the lid down and tidy up. I know this is true, but I also know the real reason he didn’t want to get out in front of Denny. He’s still sporting the same issue as he was earlier, thanks to my continued teasing.

  I know he’s going to get me back for it. I could see the threat in his dark, heated eyes. But I was enjoying torturing him too much to care.

  After ensuring Denny’s distracted with his lunch and Elf on the TV, I head off to our room to find Jay. I know he’s in the shower, as I heard it turn on a few minutes ago. Excitement almost has me running down the hallway.

  The door’s ajar so I slowly push it open and peer inside. As predicted, he’s stood under the spray of the shower. His head’s tipped back and the water pours down his neck and over his chest and abs. I stand and stare as I watch the rivers of water cascading over his incredible body.

  I don’t realise I’ve stepped forward until I see him move and he grabs my wrist. My chest crashes against his and he stares down at me.

  “You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

  He clearly isn’t expecting a response because his lips slam down on mine before his tongue sweeps into my mouth. After a few seconds, I feel his hands run down my neck and he starts undoing my top before coming around to play with my naked breasts once it’s fallen to the floor.

  I moan into his mouth, just as desperate for release as he is.

  He’s soon moving again and I feel him tug at both sides of my bottoms before the fabric tickles my thighs as it drops to the floor.

  His fingers skim my stomach before he thrusts them inside me. “Torturing me turned you on, didn’t it?”

  “Uh huh,” I moan, unable to form words.

  “You’re going to regret it,” he warns, but I couldn’t care less. I’ll take whatever it is he’s got planned—and probably beg for more.

  He shoves me into the shower before the heat of his body burns my back.

  “Bend over and put your hands on the tiles.”

  I immediately follow his instructions, and in seconds, I feel him at my entrance.

  A loud moan falls from my mouth, and he covers it with his hand. Realisation hits that this needs to be fast, and it needs to be quiet. I nod against his palm before I feel him slam into me.

  I feel the rumble of Jay’s groan against my back when he fills me to the hilt. “Fucking heaven,” he grunts as he really starts to move. His hands leave my hips and I feel them against my stomach. “As soon as you say the word I’m going to fill you with my seed, Erin,” he pants. “You’re going to be swollen with my baby before long, and you know it.”

  The huge rush of desire that floods my body at his words surprises me. I flex my hips and allow him even deeper.

  “The idea of me filling you turns you on, doesn’t it? You’re wet as fuck right now.”

  The long build up of foreplay in the hot tub means it’s over even quicker than I expected, but it only takes the edge off, and I can tell by Jay’s expression that he feels exactly the same.

  Once he’s finished and I’ve had the pleasure of watching him rub shower gel all over himself, he tells me to take my time and heads out to find Denny.

  I stand and let the power of the water jets relax my muscles. If you’d have asked me just six months ago how I would be spending Christmas this year, I never would have thought it would be like this. I expected it to be a repeat of last year with Alex and his family. There were so many signs that we weren’t meant to be and how uncomfortable I was around his family was just one of them. I put it down to jealously. I’d only ever had Mum, and with her gone, I felt so alone. I didn’t realise it would only take one look at Jay for that feeling to completely disappear. I wasn’t lonely because of my lack of family; I was lonely because the other half of me was out there somewhere, not by my side.

  Thoughts of Alex dampens my happiness. I wonder if he’s found someone else already but I know the thought is stupid. He was fully immersed in our relationship and our future together. I’m under no illusion that I totally broke his heart. I think it’s going to take him a while to trust someone again. I will forever hate what I did to him—he’s such a kind and gentle man. But at the end of the day, it helped lead me back to where I’m meant to be, and I’ll always be grateful for our time together. He helped me grow and become the person I needed to be when Jay did show up again and turn my world upside down.

  Jay must be able to tell something’s wrong when I find him and Denny sat watching the TV a while later because the second he sees me, he’s up and following me to the kitchen.

  “What’s wrong?” he whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around my waist.

  “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  “Skittles,” he warns.

  “I was just thinking about everything that happened for us to get here. Honestly, it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

  “You’d tell me if you weren’t?”

  “Of course. This is exactly where I’m meant to be.”

  “I really never thought this would happen,” he admits.

  “At least you didn’t think I was dead.” The expression that falls over his face at the thought is enough to have me apologising for my not so funny joke. “I’m sorry. All that is behind us now. We’ve got a future to look forward to.”

  “I can’t wait.” His lips gently touch my neck as he peppers kisses across my skin. Goosebumps erupt over my whole body, and I begin to ache for him once again.

  “Is it time yet?”

  I glance over at the clock on the mantlepiece before looking back at an excited Denny. Jay glances between the two of us with a bemused look on his face and it reminds me that he has no idea about our Christmas traditions—something we’re soon going to rectify.

  “Yes, I think so,” I say before getting off the sofa and walking out of the room.

  When I return, I have two sets of grey eyes watching my every move. Denny scrambles off the sofa as I place the two boxes down on the coffee table, while Jay watches me curiously.

  “What are they?”

  “Christmas Eve boxes.” A line forms between his brows. “Denny gets one every year so he’s prepared for Santa, and this year he wanted to get you one too,” I explain as Denny grabs the box closest to him and I hand the bottom one over to Jay.

  His fingers run over the engraving on the top of the box, but that’s not what holds my attention, it’s the serious look on his face captivates me. Anyone would think he’d never been given a gift before.

  “You can open it.”

  “Denny can do his first,” he says, dragging his eyes away from the box on his lap a
nd to our excited child.

  “Yessss!” he says, flipping the clasp and opening the lid.

  He pulls out what he’s expecting, but if he’s at all disappointed he doesn’t show it. The new Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas are placed on the table ready to be changed into shortly as he turns the DVD case over to see what it’s about before diving back in and pulling out the rest of the contents.

  “Daddy, it’s your turn.”

  “Okay,” he says, but it’s laced with apprehension as both Denny and I stare at him, waiting.

  Everything inside that box was Denny’s idea. I had no input on this part of Jay’s present at all.

  Jay’s smile lights up his face when he pulls out a pair of pyjama bottoms covered in trains; they’re not too dissimilar to the pair I bought for Denny. They’re followed by a DVD, a book, a sachet of hot chocolate, a bag of mini marshmallows, and a World’s Greatest Daddy mug.

  When he looks up from inspecting everything, I don’t expect to see the tears in his eyes. My breath catches and I find myself pulled down onto his lap and wrapped in his arms.

  “Thank you,” he breathes.

  “It was all Denny,” I say as I gesture for him to join us.

  Denny hops up on to Jay’s other knee and snuggles in. Our group hug lasts for the longest time. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so content as I do in those few minutes.

  Jay looks to have composed himself when he pulls back. He has the widest smile on his face as he looks between the two of us like we couldn’t possibly be real.

  “What are you two waiting for? Go and get changed and I’ll make the hot chocolate. We’ve got films to watch.”

  Denny is off in a split second. Jay takes a little longer, preferring to thank me properly once Denny’s out of sight.

  We’ve all settled in front of the DVD I bought for Denny with mugs full of hot chocolate when my phone rings. Reaching over to grab it, I see Frankie’s face looking back at me. As much as I want to stay where I am, I’m also desperate to talk to her about everything.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, bitch. How’s the festive fuck fest going?” I feel Jay’s stare and when I turn back to him, his eyes are full of amusement. Thankfully, Denny’s oblivious, his focus zeroed into the telly.

  “It’s a family holiday, Kiki.”

  “Yeah, with your baby daddy, who you haven’t been with in over five years. Don’t try to tell me it’s all chaste kisses and cuddles over there.” My cheeks flush at her statement because that is definitely not the case. My lack of response is all she needs for confirmation. “Point made, I think.” The smugness in her voice makes me want to smack her.

  Deciding I need to change the subject, I tell her the most important part. “Jay asked me to marry him.”

  “WHAT!” she squeals at such a volume I have to pull the phone away from my ear.

  “He asked me to—”

  “Yeah I heard, E. When? How? The ring?” She throws out question after question, making my head spin.

  “Our first night here. It was—”

  “That was days ago. Why am I only hearing this now?”

  I feel awful for not telling her immediately, but I’ve been so wrapped up with everything that I didn’t want to burst the little family bubble we’ve been living in.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just—”

  “It’s fine. I get it. Now, please continue. How did he propose?”

  I tell Frankie how it happened and she sighs dreamily on the other end. “I can’t believe you’re marrying a soldier. That was my dream,” she sulks.

  “I don’t think you’re destined to find a soldier, Kiki. Look what happened last time. Anyway,” I say, not wanting to drag her down on Christmas Eve with reminders of the past, “what are you up to tonight?”

  “Brett’s on his way over.”

  “Brett?”

  “Why are you saying it like that?”

  “Nothing. I just thought that…” I trail off, not really wanting to voice it.

  “You just thought that I’d fallen back into Dean’s bed?” she asks, sounding seriously pissed off.

  “Well…yeah. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. I just thought…”

  “Then you need to stop thinking,” she snaps. “Been there, done that, put the whole disaster behind me.”

  I know Frankie well enough to know she’s not telling me the whole truth. There is way more to her relationship with Dean than she lets on, but I’m not going to poke the beast by continuing to bring it up. I prefer staying on the right side of Frankie.

  “Okay. Are you spending tomorrow with your mum and stepdad?”

  “Yeah. Sorry, E, but I’ve got to go. Brett will be here in a bit and I still need to shave my—”

  “Okay, okay,” I interrupt.

  “My legs, Erin. I need to shave my legs. Fucking hell, calm down. If you must know, I went and got my hooha waxed yesterday so she’s bare as a baby’s bottom, ready and raring to go.”

  “Frankie,” I groan. She knows how much I love her oversharing.

  I’m still smiling to myself when I walk back towards the sofa.

  “Everything okay?” Jay asks with a smirk when he sees my face.

  “Yeah. It was just Frankie…being Frankie!”

  We have the most incredible evening. It’s like something from a Christmas film with the fire burning and the tree twinkling. I can’t help but keep looking over at Jay and Denny to remind myself that this is real. We really are spending Christmas together as a family.

  Chapter Three

  “He’s been! He’s been!” Denny screams at some ungodly time the next morning as he launches himself at the bed and bounces up and down between the two of us.

  “I told you the letter would work,” I mutter sleepily as I rub my eyes, desperately trying to get them to focus.

  “What time is it?” is groaned from next to me and I can help but laugh. He’s usually so awake, it’s odd hearing him fighting his exhaustion.

  “Four.” I’d told Denny he wasn’t allowed out of his room anytime before 4am. Something tells me he’s been sat staring at the alarm clock in his room waiting impatiently.

  “Come on, it’s Christmas,” he begs as he tugs at the covers.

  I’m not sure who moves faster to grab the duvet as Denny starts to pull it away from us, both attempting to cover up the fact that we’re very naked underneath.

  “Go and take your stocking into the living room and we’ll join you in a few minutes.”

  Denny is up off the bed and running from the room in seconds.

  “Why did you tell him four o’clock was okay?” Jay grumbles as he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me into his body. His skin burns against mine and his erection digs into my thigh.

  “He’s not the only one who’s excited, I see.”

  “You’re naked. I’m always excited when you’re naked.” His hips thrust against me and my core tingles.

  “We haven’t got time for that now.”

  “I love him more than anything,” Jay whispers in my ear. “But he’s a right cock blocker.”

  I turn over to face him and can’t help but laugh at his pouting expression. “It just makes it more of a challenge.” I kiss the tip of his nose before getting out of bed and grabbing some clothes.

  “Not helping,” he groans behind me when I bend over to pull on a pair of knickers.

  “Pull yourself together. We’ve got presents to open and toys to play with.”

  “Oh, I could play with some toys.” His voice is deep and gravelly and it hits me exactly where he intends as I feel a flood of heat between my legs.

  I turn to face him with my hands on my hips, trying to look serious. I know the second his eyes land on my naked breasts that I’ve not achieved anything other than probably turning him on more. “Just get up.”

  “Oh it’s up, Skittles, don’t you worry about that.”

  “Oh my god,” I mutter, throwing a pair of joggers at him before turning
back around and finishing getting dressed.

  When we get to the living room, Denny is sat in front of the Christmas tree, surrounded by presents.

  “Two minutes to make coffee, baby, and then it’s on.”

  “Muuuuummmy,” he complains as I rush towards the kettle.

  “I thought you said you didn’t bring much?” Jay whispers in my ear as he looks down at Denny who’s almost drowning under all the toys and clothes.

  I just shrug at him. I thought I’d been good, but looking at it all now, I see that maybe I wasn’t very successful.

  “Daddy, this one’s for you,” Denny announces, pulling a box out from the back of the tree.

  “Oh, okay.” He looks at me sceptically. I’d told him we weren’t doing presents so he wouldn’t feel bad about not getting us anything. This trip was a surprise for him, so I didn’t expect him to have gone shopping after the way I left everything between us.

  “It’s nothing expensive,” I say, and it’s true. What he’s holding is priceless.

  Jay looks between Denny and me for a few seconds before looking down to the box and pulling the paper away from it.

  Inside is an envelope. His confused eyes come back to me for a beat and I nod at him to continue.

  He lifts the flap and pulls out the card Denny made for him.

  “Aw thanks, buddy,” Jay says when he reads the front.

  “Open it,” Denny encourages.

  I say the words that are written inside the card to myself as I watch Jay’s eyes move over them.

  Let’s make it official…

  I want to be a Baxter.

  Merry Christmas, Daddy.

  Jay’s brows draw together and he looks over at me like he’s missing the point to this present.

  “Open that.” I point to the piece of paper that fell out the card and onto his lap when he opened it.

  “It’s an appointment for the registry office?” He still looks completely baffled by the whole thing and I take pity on him.