by K. M. Scott
“But we’ve spent so much time unhappy. Don’t you worry about that?”
I see the concern in her beautiful blue eyes. “No. Love isn’t about being happy all the time. Love is about getting through the bad times and appreciating the good times.”
“We’ve been through so much bad, Ian. I just worry all of this is going to burn out one day soon. Don’t you worry about that?”
“No, I don’t because when all the bad is stripped away, we love each other madly with the kind of passion people only dream about. Most people never feel—I mean really feel anything. They say they love, but what they really do is stay in relationships that are boring but safe. That’s not us. There’s nothing safe about us.”
“I want to think that we’re always going to be okay, but I worry, Ian. What if someday one of us wants safe?”
“Do you want safe, Kristina?”
She remains silent for a long moment, closing her eyes as her mouth turns down into a frown. I run the pad of my thumb over the swell of her bottom lip while I wait to hear her answer knowing I can’t promise her safe. That’s the last thing I can offer her.
“I don’t know if I want safe. I just worry about what happens down the road with us.”
Leaning over, I press my lips to hers in a kiss full of how much I love her. “Nothing about us has ever been safe. What we feel is raw and rough and sometimes we break each other. I don’t know what’s going to happen down the road. I just know I don’t want to think about my life without you in it, Kristina.”
“I don’t want to think of my life without you in it, Ian. I don’t want safety if it means you and I aren’t together. I just worry that someday one of us will break us and we won’t know how to put the pieces back together.”
I caress her cheek, loving the feel of her soft skin. “Maybe we’re just going to have to accept the fact that we belong together, broken or not. We crash, we burn, and we break everything around us, but each time we search for one another because each of us has what the other needs.”
Her eyes fill with a look of confusion. “What do I have that you need? I keep messing things up for us. How could you need that?”
“I need the sweetness that’s so much a part of you. I need the strength you show when things get rough between us.”
She rolls her eyes and scrunches up her nose. “What strength? I wish I was strong.”
“Only a strong woman would have driven all this way in a blizzard to see someone she wasn’t sure would even talk to her. You are strong, Kristina, and that strength is something I want in my life. I need it. I need you. If anyone should want to leave, it’s you after what I put you through.”
“No, I never wanted to leave. I know I said I would when you told me the truth about your addiction that night, but how could I leave when the man I love needed me most?”
Pulling her into my arms, I hold her to me and whisper, “You deserve so much better than what I’ve given you, but if you’ll have me, I promise that’s all in the past. I know you have no good reason to believe someone who freely admits he’s always going to be a recovering heroin addict, but I mean every word.”
She hugs me tightly to her and I feel her sob against my chest. “Oh Ian, how could I not want you? For all your weaknesses, you’re the one person in this world who makes me feel like I’m something special.”
I tilt her head back and look down into her beautiful face and smile for the simple reason that she makes me happy. “You are special. I knew that from the moment I first saw you on my television in that film. No matter who else was in the scene, you shined like no one else I’d ever seen before. I had to meet you.”
“I thought it was because you wanted to sleep with me,” she says with a chuckle as a blush covers the apples of her cheeks.
“There was that,” I admit. “But I saw something else that night too, something that attracted me to you in a way that I’d never felt before with anyone.”
“What was it?”
I think back to that night as I sat alone in my apartment like I did every other night and mindlessly stared at my TV until I saw her face. That moment is seared into my mind as the one when everything in my life changed. From then on, even when I became lost in the drugs again, I had someone who I never stopped thinking about. That had never been the case for me.
“Something in your eyes told me you might be able to accept who I was.”
Kristina smiles and I see that gentleness in her eyes I saw that night. “I love that you saw something that no one else has ever seen in me, Ian.”
“I’m glad all those other men missed that in you. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t be here with me right now.”
“Did I ever tell you how nervous I was that night we met at that bar?”
I shake my head and chuckle. “No. I can’t imagine why.”
“When I heard you wanted to meet me, all I could think about was that this incredibly talented author who’d written one of my favorite books would be sitting across the table from me and I’d feel like a total idiot in front of you. I was so worried you’d think I was just some stupid actress.”
“There’s nothing stupid about you. And you didn’t have to worry. I was too busy being entirely sure you’d think I was just some boring history writer.”
“I love the idea that we were both so unsure that night. Every man I’ve ever dated always seemed so sure of himself. So sure I would fall for him because he was good looking or famous. So sure he was too charming for me to say no to. But you were thinking of me when we met, just like I was thinking of you. That’s the difference.”
“Sounds pretty selfless for an addict and a movie star,” I joke.
She looks down at the comforter and runs her fingers over the edge of the fabric. “I guess, but those are just labels for us, Ian. I like to think of the two of us as just people who care more than they should and finally found someone who really cares too.”
“I’ve never been accused of caring too much. Never in my life has anyone thought that about me,” I admit, suddenly ashamed of how truly selfish I am.
“I think you’re very sensitive to other people. I know you don’t show it a lot, but I’ve seen it since the moment we met. I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me that night in that booth.” She lifts her hand to caress my cheek, smiling up at me now. “No one as passionate as you could ever be insensitive without trying. I like that I’m the only one who sees that side of you, though.”
Her touch thrills me, as always, and I lean my head into her palm to feel more of her. I love that she sees me like that. I don’t know if it’s the truth, but if it isn’t, it’s the best lie I’ve ever been told.
“Now you see what I mean when I say that being with you lets me be the man I always wanted to be.”
Kristina presses her lips to mine and whispers, “I love that man, Ian. I love how smart he is and how he understands me like no one else ever has. And even if we freeze to death here in this cabin in the middle of a blizzard, I want to say thank you for making me feel adored like no one else in the world.”
Pulling her closer to keep her warm, I hold her to me so she can take some of my warmth. “We’re not going to freeze here. There’s no way we’ve been through all we’ve been through just to find happiness in time to freeze in a snowstorm. The electricity will come on again, and then we’ll eat the dinner you cooked and talk about what we want to do when we get back to the city.”
Her body shivers against mine, and I silently wonder if any of that will actually happen. It’s only been about an hour, but the heat from the fireplace is quickly becoming too little to keep us warm. It won’t take long before a down comforter and a pile of blankets won’t be enough.
As we sit there, I wonder if this will be the end of us. Not exactly the way I thought I’d go. I would have put a hefty bet on my dying alone in my apartment from an overdose of heroin. I figured they’d find me partially decomposed after weeks of lying dead on my living room floor, the s
tench of my rotting corpse too much for even that one gruff and seasoned EMT worker there always is on the scene. Everyone would wonder how someone like me could die alone without a soul in the world curious enough to come by for weeks as I lay sprawled out, finally dead from the drugs.
“Hey, you got quiet all of a sudden. What’s wrong?”
I look down at Kristina resting her head on my shoulder and smile. “Nothing. Just trying to remember my Boy Scout days in case things get really bad with this storm.”
She giggles in that way that never fails to charm me and says, “I love the idea of you being a little boy in his Boy Scout uniform out in the woods. So what did you remember that will help us if it gets colder in here?”
“Not much, except for a few knots, which I don’t think will help us keep warm.”
“Knots, huh?” she asks with a twinkle in her eye like she’s heard something intriguing.
“Yeah, but that won’t keep us warm.”
“True, but when we get back to the city it might make for an interesting time.”
I kiss her on the tip of her nose and grin, loving this side of her. “Does my Kristina like being tied up? And how did I not know this by now?”
A sheepish look comes over her face and she bites her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I do since nobody’s ever done that to me, but Sienna was telling me something a while back about this thing she and her boyfriend did that sounded interesting.”
“So you have a kinky friend named Sienna? Sienna who?”
“Sienna Rollins. She’s an actress like me.”
I think back to the countless hours I’ve spent on Netflix and try to place the name, but it doesn’t ring a bell. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of her.”
Proudly, Kristina says, “You will. She’s a knockout blond with everything going for her and on top of all that, she’s a great actress. All she needs is the right part and she’s going to be a household name.”
“Like you.”
“Sienna’s so much better than I am. She just needs the break we all wait for and she’s going to set the world on fire. I just know it.”
“I think it’s great you’re so generous like that, Kristina. I can’t imagine most actors and actresses are like you.”
“Sienna’s my friend. I want to see good things happen for her. That’s how I am with people I care about.”
The lights around us flicker on and off and then come back on, ending the threat of our freezing to death out in the wilds of upstate New York. Kristina looks around and breathes a sigh of relief.
“I was starting to worry for a while there. How about I get up and see if I can get that roast in shape so we can eat?”
As she moves to leave my side, I hold her there next to me, not for warmth but because I have something I need to say. “In a minute. I want to ask you something first.”
Her eyes show her worry at what my question might be, but she presses a smile onto her lips. “Okay. Shoot.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m saying any of this because we almost froze here because I never believed that would happen. I’m saying this because if I don’t ask now and somehow I mess things up, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
“Okay. What do you want to ask me?”
Taking her hands in mine, I bring them to my lips and kiss them before taking a deep breath. “Kristina, will you come live with me? Be my muse forever. I want to see your face when I open my eyes each morning and feel you next to me as I go to sleep each night, and in between I want the chance to show you every day how much I love you.”
Tears well in her eyes and she nods her head. “Yes, I will, Ian. I will be your muse forever.”
As I take her in my arms, I feel happier than I’ve ever felt in my life. No drug has ever made me feel like this. Only knowing Kristina loves me like I love her could make me feel so incredible.
“I love you, Ian,” she whispers in my ear while I hold her tightly to me. “For all the good and all the bad we’ve been through, I love you with all my heart.”
“I love you too, my beautiful muse. My Kristina.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Kristina
The roast somehow made it through the electricity going out and as we sit down to eat, I see Ian’s eyes open wide at the sight of the meal I’ve prepared. Looking at me, he asks, “Is it possible you’re the perfect woman? Gorgeous, talented, sexy, and a great cook?”
I sit down across from him at the kitchen table and smile at his comment. “I thought the same thing that first night you made me your world famous risotto.”
“That sounded pretty sexist, didn’t it? I didn’t mean it like that. I think anyone with all those qualities, man or woman, is pretty damn impressive.”
Waving away his worry that he offended me, I say, “Not to worry. Eat up. We never know how long the electricity is going to stay on since it’s still blowing around out there, and I’d hate for this meal to go to waste.”
“I have an idea. Hang on,” he says as he jumps out of his chair to head for a closet in the hallway. He returns a few seconds later with two white taper candles and two silver candlesticks. Placing them between us in the middle of the table, he walks to the fireplace and brings over one long matchstick. As he lights the two candles, he says sweetly, “This wonderful meal calls for candlelight, so even if the electricity goes out, we’ll still have a romantic dinner for two.”
When he shows this side of him—the cute and thoughtful side—I can’t help falling in love with him all over again. I know his demons will never really disappear, always hiding deep inside and looking for that perfect opportunity to come out and wreak havoc on him again, but I love him. The good, the bad, and the worst of him. I love all of it.
“I love it, Ian. It’s perfect.”
By the time we finish our dinner, he’s convinced I am the perfect woman, and even though I know I’m nowhere close to being that, I’m happy to let him think that. He sits across from me with a completely satisfied look in his eyes, and I like that I could make that happen.
“Would you like to hear what I’m going to write for the second Silk book?” he asks as I clear the plates from the table.
“You know what the story is now?”
“I think so. Would you like to hear about it?”
I quickly run some hot water over the dirty dishes and return to my seat to hear all about his new book. “Yes! I’m dying to know what happens to Kate and Sean. You didn’t give them a happily ever after in the first book, so will they get one in this book?”
Ian nods as a sexy grin spreads across his lips. “Yes. They’ll get their happily ever after in this one. Not that I’m going to make it easy for them. They’re going to have to get through a lot of obstacles before they find their happiness.”
“Sort of like us?”
“Exactly like us. It is our story, after all.”
A feeling of dread comes over me for a moment. “Does that mean you’re going to have her go back to her addiction?”
The smile he wore just a few seconds earlier fades and he knits his brows. “Yeah. Kate’s going to have to get through her heroin addiction to find real happiness with Sean.”
I instantly begin to worry that writing about that will be too much for Ian. Will he want to go back to it himself because he’s living it again through his character? Will he give in to the temptation?
He reaches across the table and clutches my hand. “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. You’ll be right there with me, and every day I’ll read you what I wrote. I think it will be good for me.”
“How?”
“This part of me is never going away, Kristina. I need to be able to live with the reality of who I can be and what it will do to my life if I let myself go back to that. Don’t worry. I know what I can lose if I do.”
“You mean me?”
“I know you stayed last time, but I’m not a fool. I know how bad that was for you, and there’s no reason for me to believe you
’ll stay if it happens again, no matter how much you love me. I won’t risk that again. I promise.”
“I’m just worried it will bring back all those feelings and be too much for you.”
Ian takes a deep breath and slowly exhales as concern settles into his expression. “I know. And it might bring back a lot of things I wish I could forget, but my desire for that poison isn’t something I can just pretend never existed. It did, and it will for the rest of my life. That’s how addiction is.”
I hate hearing him say he’ll always want that awful drug. Of all the things about his addiction, that’s the worst. Knowing no matter how much he fights it and how long he stays clean, somewhere inside him is a part that will always want it.
He comes around the table and kneeling next to me, looks up at me with those dark eyes that always seem so full of passion. “I promise, Kristina. No more of that. I’ll do whatever I have to do to fight those demons. I choose you—I choose us—over that shit. I don’t want to lose you and all the wonderful things being with you makes me feel.”
Cradling his face, I can’t help but believe him. He’s the man I love. I just pray to God he’s telling the truth.
“I want more than anything for you to never touch that stuff again, Ian. You’re such a wonderful man. You’re a good person, and I think you believe what you say. I want you to be happy, and I’ve never seen you so miserable as when you were high. That man wasn’t the Ian I know. That man was so lost, and I didn’t know how to get to him.”
He covers my hands with his and nods his understanding. “I know. I don’t want that for us. I want us to be happy, and I know heroin has no place in any happiness we’ll ever have. I just want you to know I haven’t done anything this time. We ran into a problem and I came here, but I didn’t go back to it.”
I quietly admit what had been in the back of my mind since hearing he left the city. “I was afraid you might have. More than the snowstorm and even the chance that you might turn me away, I feared I’d find you high and lost to me again.”
“I didn’t do it. I swear. I’m not going to tell you I didn’t try to get blasted drunk to forget how hurt I was, but nothing else. I promise. Never again.”
