Oh God what must he think of me?
I needed to get out of there before he came home. There was no way I could face him without wanting to toss myself off the nearest bridge. Okay so maybe that’s a little dramatic but still, I couldn’t deal with the embarrassment just yet. Then it hit me I was only delaying the inevitable and I wanted to cry. We had classes together. Sooner or later I would have to look him in the eye. Ugh. I felt sick again.
The sound of my phone ringing snapped me back into reality and I suddenly remembered I hadn’t told Rachel I’d be out all night. Oh crap, I was in for a lecture.
“Hello?” I answered quietly as I waited for her to start bawling.
“Fuck me, Em, tell me everything!” Okay so I totally wasn’t expecting her to sound excited. What’d gotten into her?
“What do you mean?”
“Well let’s start with The American. Jesus, Ho, that’s fast work even by my standards!”
“Rach, what are you talking about?” Had she been on the pop too?
“You stayed the night at his place right?”
“No. I stayed at Jared’s. Dex just happens to be staying there for a while,” I protested. “Wait a minute how do you know where I stayed last night?”
“Well firstly it was obvious when you didn’t come home. I know you, Em and you’re not stupid enough stay out with someone you don’t know. And second, because The American called me in the middle of the night,” she said with a mischievous tone in her voice.
“What?” I asked, wrinkling my face in confusion. “He called you? How? Why?”
“He used your phone. Told me you were a little worse for wear and he’d just put you to sleep on the couch. Said he thought I might be worried about where you were so thought he’d just check in.” I was stunned into silence for a few seconds, unsure of how I felt about that. It sure was a thoughtful thing to do – in fact everything he did last night was. But I just couldn’t figure out why. I was pretty confident he didn’t even like me most of the time.
“I mean come on… how sweet was that? He sounded really worried about you. So I guess I figured you’d binned Jared off for someone hotter.”
“Um…” My lips didn’t seem to be able to move in time with the words tumbling around my head. Maybe I was still drunk. I definitely felt a little woozy. “Jared and I are still…” Hmm. What were me and Jared? “He was passed out. Dex came home just as I was about to puke my guts up. I’m so embarrassed, Rach.”
“Don’t be,” she said, giggling down the line. “It happens to the best of us, Ho. Besides, it’s about time I got to cross something off this bloody list. I’m just gutted I wasn’t there to see you. Or film you!” I rolled my eyes, thanking God that she wasn’t with me. I would’ve been on YouTube within the hour.
“So there’s really no juice to spill with the hot American?” She sounded disappointed.
“Hold on, last time you spoke about Dexter you said he was an ignorant bastard who’d get your first kick if your legs ever worked again.”
“Yeah well that was before he got my girl’s back. Plus you can’t say you’ve never noticed the pressure his shirt’s under with those bulging man beast muscles. He’s packing some serious goods under there, Ho. You can’t deny the guy is ripped.” Talk about turn around of the century! “And what the fuck was Jared doing while you were barfing into his toilet? Oh yeah, the selfish twat was sleeping! Seriously, Ho… it’s going nowhere with him.”
So what, now Jared was the loser and Dexter was my hero? I can never keep up with Rachel.
“Yeah well, I’m still undecided about that,” I admitted honestly. “Look I’ll be home soon – we’ll talk then.”
“You better hurry your arse up if you want to make Uni in time.” I looked at the digital clock on Jared’s stereo. 10:45 am. Damn. I only had an hour before I’d have to leave for afternoon lectures.
That meant an hour and a half before I’d have to see Dexter.
Double damn.
“I’m leaving right now. Won’t be long.”
“K, Ho. In a bits.”
After hanging up the call I downed a couple of the painkillers next to the glass of water Dexter had laid out for me and had a quick mooch around the apartment to find Jared. I found him still comatose and fully dressed on top of his bed with his chin bobbing up and down as he snored away. I considered waking him but then remembered both my lack of time, and the fact I didn’t really want to talk to him right now. I needed to sort this situation out soon. Jared was a nice guy and I was starting to get frustrated spending time with him, just because I didn’t have the balls to tell him I wanted to be friends. I was being unfair and I knew it.
Closing the door quietly behind me I tiptoed down the hall and set off home.
Chapter Seven
Dexter
Emily was gone when I got back from my run. I briefly hoped she was okay but then stopped myself from thinking about her. It’s not like she’s mine to care about. That’s what Jared should be doing – taking care of his girl. Yet the asshat was still passed out in bed by the time I’d changed into some black jeans and a cream sweater and left for college.
I grabbed my fourth coffee of the day from Starbucks on my way into class. I needed caffeine and plenty of it if I was to make it through today. I had lectures back to back until seven o’clock and then I was working a double shift at The Blue Apple. I’ve been doing a lot of them lately which is why I haven’t needed to look for an extra job yet. But on the upside, my place is supposed to be ready to move back into tomorrow and it can’t come soon enough. I’m grateful to Jared of course but I need my own space back. I want to be able to take a dump without worrying about stinking someone else’s place out, or sprawl out naked on the couch to watch TV, or perhaps more pressingly – bring a girl home.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely. Or frustrated. I swear my balls are about three days away from exploding. Preventing death by blue ball syndrome is first on my list of priorities when I move back in. I’ve not got the time or the patience to sweet-talk a Marshmallow. I need an M & M. Something quick – easy to start and easy to end.
When I reached the lecture hall Emily was already sitting at our seats. She looked like shit despite the makeup she’d obviously caked on to try and cover it.
“Hey,” I said, getting her attention. She looked up at me with those timid baby-blue eyes of hers and then quickly darted them away again.
“Hi,” she mumbled so faintly I barely heard her. She was embarrassed. It was kinda cute.
“How’s the head?”
“Better,” she said, making eye-contact with me again. “Thanks for the Nurofen,” she added with a shy smile.
“You heard from Jared?”
“No. He was still sleeping when I left. I didn’t want to disturb him.”
“Yeah, he was still out of it when I left to come here too.” He was such an ass to this girl, yet it was clear she was too innocent to see it. It was obvious to a blind man Emily had never been drunk before and the fucktard should’ve called her by now – made sure she was okay. This is why I’m glad I don’t do relationships. They’re too much hassle. “So how’s things going with you two?” Christ, why the hell did I ask that? I didn’t give a shit and I didn’t want her to think I did.
“Um, yeah, okay I guess,” she confessed, shrugging.
“Trouble in paradise?” Seriously, I should’ve stopped talking about five minutes ago.
“No, we’re good,” she assured, looking at little confused. She was probably wondering why I was interested. Hell, I was wondering why I was interested. She was lying though, I was sure of it. It was only a matter of time. Girls like Emily need hearts and flowers, ‘good morning, I miss you’ texts, that kinda shit. Jared just wants a long-term lay.
“Thanks for calling Rachel too,” she tacked on a few minutes later.
“No problem. You two are tight, I figured she’d be worried about you,” I admitted while taking the relevant tex
tbooks from my bag. “She always so grouchy or was that just ‘cause I woke her up?”
“Yeah, that’s just Rachel. She’s definitely a ‘you need to get to know her’ type. But she’s great really. I’d be lost without her sometimes.” No she wouldn’t. Emily was too sweet not to having people queuing up to take care of her.
Just then our tutor announced the start of the lecture and the sound of chatting, papers rustling and chair legs screeching ceased abruptly. I sat back in my seat and fixed my eyes to the front of the room. I felt a little weird. That was probably the longest conversation Emily and I had ever shared. In fact that was probably the longest conversation I’d shared with anyone since I moved here. It felt… refreshing. Emily interested me. I think she may be the first person beside Jared who’s not given up trying to talk to me even when I couldn’t have acted less interested in becoming acquainted with them.
She’s sweet and timid and too darn cute. I also suspect that she’s never been told how special she is. It’s clear by the way she carries herself – the nervous smile, the way she looks to the floor when anyone first speaks to her, the way she twists the same fiery-red curl round her finger when she’s around lots of people…
Everyone deserves to be told they’re special at some point in their lives. There’s an exception to that rule of course – me. That’s why I know I can’t ever take a shot at her. But I’m starting to think we could do the friends thing. Just talking to her for those few brief minutes took the edge off the loneliness. So maybe it makes me a selfish bastard, given that I’ve nothing much to offer her in return, but still I can’t help wanting this girl to stick around.
After a two hour lecture introducing us to criminology we were told to pair up with the person sitting next to us and given instructions on the next assignment required from us. Together we had a month to research and produce a dissertation on the nature, extent, cause, and control of criminal behavior in both the individual and in society. Under any other circumstance I think I would’ve been happy with the opportunity to spend more time with this mysterious girl I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about. But researching the minds behind criminal behavior… Quite frankly I was worried shitless about where this was going to lead – what she might find out.
“So when do you want to get started?” Emily asked once the tutor finally got around to wrapping things up.
“Well I’ve got a busy couple of days ahead. I’m working a double tonight and hopefully I’ll be moving back into my own place tomorrow.”
“Really? That’s great. Bet you’re dying to sleep in a proper bed,” she beamed, appearing genuinely pleased for me.
“Yeah, I am,” I agreed. “So if it’s okay with you can we wait until weekend?”
“Sure. My diary isn’t exactly bursting at the seams so just let me know and I’m all yours.” She bit down on her bottom lip and dropped her eyes to the floor the second she’d finished that sentence. She was embarrassed again. It was too cute. “So does that mean you won’t be around tonight?” she added after regaining herself. Sounded like she wanted Jared’s place to themselves. I had to make a significant effort not to shudder. I guessed Jared was gonna be wearing one helluva grin tomorrow morning.
“No. I’ll go home to change after here but then I’ll be out till two or so.” Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Don’t ask. “Why? You got something planned with Jared?”
Fuck.
“I just want to talk to him about something that’s all,” she answered ambiguously. I couldn’t tell if I’d pissed her off or not.
“Well good luck with that. Let’s hope he’s sobered up enough to talk back.” Emily giggled softly – like only a girl can. “Catch ya later, doll,” I said to her, slinging my bag over my shoulder. She looked a little flushed and didn’t answer immediately. I assumed the effects of last night were catching up to her again.
“Yeah. See you,” she eventually replied. Then, feeling more positive than I have in so long I can’t even remember, I tossed her a wink and left for my next class.
Chapter Eight
Emily
I strolled sluggishly into the flat via the back door and threw my bag on the floor by the cooker. Rachel came to meet me when she heard me arrive, which wouldn’t have been difficult seeing as our flat is so small you can be in the furthest apart rooms and still hear the other breathing. She was wearing the tight black dress she not so affectionately calls her ‘fuck me dress’, her purple hair was pinned up with purposely loose curls framing her face and she was only one more coat of lip-gloss away from becoming a prostitute.
“Going somewhere?” I asked curiously.
“Sure am, Ho. I’ve got a date.” She winked excitedly at me and rubbed her freshly manicured hands together.
“Since when? With who? Where at?”
“Bloody hell, take a breath! He’s called Leo and he’s in my life modelling class. I don’t really know too much about him but we’ve grabbed a couple of coffees together over the last week or so.”
“And you’re only telling me now?”
“Sorry, Mum,” she said, feigning a guilty expression. “It was just coffee. It’s no different from you not telling me about the hot American.” I rolled my eyes at her. I was doing that a lot lately.
“There’s nothing to tell! Honest, Rach, I hardly know him.”
“Oh please. You have classes together every day!”
“Yeah well he’s not really much of a talker,” I said defensively.
“Well if I knew him it wouldn’t be talking I’d want him doing with those lips.” Dear God. I couldn’t roll my eyes again. Actually, yes I could. So I did.
“So where are you going?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Cinema, pizza, then hopefully back to his place.” I tried to hide the nerves I felt from my face but as usual it didn’t work. “I’m a big girl you know,” she added in an effort to pacify me. I knew she was right. She’s an adult and there’s no question she’s more experienced with life than I am… but that doesn’t stop me worrying about her. I know she doesn’t want to be seen as different or ‘special’ but the fact is, she is. Not everyone can see past her chair and even though that makes them total arseholes, I didn’t want her getting hurt because of it.
“I know you are. Just… be careful. Like you said you hardly know him.” Chair or no chair I would never feel comfortable with her spending the night with someone she barely knew. You hear all kind of sickening stories on the news every day.
“You worry too much. I’ve got my phone and if it’ll make you feel better I’ll text you every hour to assure you I’m still alive.”
“That would make me feel better,” I agreed, knowing full well I sounded like an overprotective mother.
“I love how much you love me, Ho,” she said with a warm smile. “And I love you too much to go and get myself murdered okay?”
“Okay,” I repeated, laughing softly.
“You gonna be okay here on your own?”
“I’m actually heading to Jared’s in a little while. I doubt it’ll be a late one though.”
“Uh oh. I know that face. That’s your shitting it face. What’s going on, Ho?” How does she read me so well?
“I’m breaking up with him tonight.”
“About fucking time. You’ve spent too long already on a guy who doesn’t even make your hoohaa tingle.” I literally almost choked to death on my own saliva.
“I’m just so nervous. I suppose I feel bad for him. He’s a good guy, I just don’t think he’s thee guy. Know what I mean?”
“You know it’s not illegal to have sex before the wedding anymore right? Just ‘cause you don’t want to elope and have his surfer-babies doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun.” I felt my face drop. Was it really wrong to want to feel something for someone you were going to be so intimate with? Was I an old-fashioned prude? “I’m just fucking with you, Ho. I admire how seriously you take these things. You know I wouldn’t change you for the world.”
Instantly, my face softened into a grateful smile.
“Thanks, Rach. I’m just hoping he’ll still want to be my friend.”
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up there. Guys and girls who’ve dated can’t ever be friends. Not real friends. Either the thing that made you want to break up with him will keep pissing you off or one of you will get jealous when the other moves on. That’s just the way it is.”
“Hmm. We’ll see,” was all I could say to that. I genuinely couldn’t pinpoint what it was about Jared that didn’t get my hoohaa tingling as Rachel so crudely put it. I also knew I would be happy to see him move on with someone whose hoohaa was blowing fireworks for him. So providing he felt the same, I saw no reason why we couldn’t be friends.
“Now as much as I’d love to sit here exchanging our undying love for each other, I’ve got a cock… oops I mean cab, waiting for me.” Seriously how did we ever become such good friends?
Rachel left a few minutes later and I got ready for Jared’s. I sent him a text on my way home from Uni and he was working later on but had a couple of hours free beforehand. I took a quick shower and changed into my cream tunic and black leggings before tying my hair back and dusting my face with the minimal amount of concealer needed to hide the bags under my eyes.
I felt like I was going to be sick when I pulled up outside Jared’s fancy apartment block. I still had absolutely no idea what I planned to say or even if I’d be brave enough to say it. Swallowing my heart back down, I tentatively pressed the buzzer for his apartment.
“Come on up, sexy girl,” Jared greeted before releasing the door. He was being playful, which made me feel even worse about what I was about to say. I walked as slow as humanly possible, taking the stairs instead of the lift. I was in no hurry to have the conversation I was planning. Maybe I was thinking too much of myself. Maybe he wouldn’t even be bothered. God, what if he was relieved? Even though it was what I wanted I was pretty sure that would make me feel like crap.
Take My Hand Page 6
