“Don’t you want me to go with you?” I asked, sounding like a whining and clingy cow. He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. Then I felt guilty. I was being selfish. “I’m sorry. I understand. Honest I do. I’ll just miss you that’s all.” I tried desperately to sound convincing but the slight pout which had formed on my lips wouldn’t seem to budge.
“Of course I want you with me. You know how much you mean to me, doll. I just didn’t want you missing out on anything here because of me. But you’re right – I will need you. I always need you, even when I don’t think I do.”
“Soooo… I’m coming?” I pressed, managing to refrain from sounding excited. Someone was dying for crying out loud. But the thought of seeing where Dexter grew up – where he came from, getting an insight into his past… it filled my belly with the most delightful flutters.
“If I have to go,” he said, emphasising the word ‘if’, “then yeah. I guess you’re coming.” He winked at me and then enfolded me into his arms, squeezing me tightly against him. “We’ll have to get you a visa sorted and shit just in case. Do you have a passport?”
“Um, yeah… somewhere.” My parents had taken me on an annual holiday to Corfu every year since I was six. They’d leave me in the kid’s club all day while they got wrecked on expensive wine, until I was old enough to entertain myself and then I’d walk the beach or window shop every day. I wracked my brain for clues as to where I might’ve left it but then gave up after a few seconds deciding I’d need to ask Rachel.
“Are you close? You and this friend?” I asked, knowing that it was insignificant. He obviously cared about him to need to travel all the way back home to say his goodbyes.
“Once upon a time. Yes. We were,” he said gravely. Then, as if in an attempt to scatter the thought away he shook his head. “I’d best get back out there. I’ll catch up with you on my break though, ‘kay?”
“You better.”
After a final hug and a kiss that passed too quickly, Dexter led me back out front and I walked straight over to Rachel’s table.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Dexter
Fuck.
I never anticipated that Emily would want to come home with me. It wasn’t until she said she’d miss me that it hit me how much I’d miss her too. So now she’s coming with me, and even if by some miracle it turns out I don’t have to leave as soon as I thought, the time will come eventually.
I’m losing her.
I need to tell Emily. I need to explain – warn her before we leave. I just have absolutely no idea how the fuck I’m supposed to do it. Or when…
I’ll decide tomorrow.
Or the day after.
But I’ll tell her. Aunt Sarah’s right – I have to.
“I’ve cleared it with Mick and I’m knocking off early tonight,” I told Emily when I joined her table for my break. “Your place or mine?”
“Yours,” Snickers interjected. “The last thing I want is to listen to you two going at it all night.” Raising my eyebrow at Emily, she smiled coyly – confirmation that she’d filled Snickers in on our night together. I mentally fist-punched the air, feeling altogether smug and more than a little proud. She must have enjoyed it if she couldn’t wait to tell her friend. “Yeah, that’s right, American. I know all about your little piercings.”
“Rachel!” Emily admonished. I laughed quietly to myself, amused at the sight of Emily’s cheeks going from milky-white to tomato-red in under a second.
“What?” she retorted defensively. “No point in pretending he wasn’t a man-whore before he met you, Ho. Most the girls in this town have probably had dalliances with those rings. And let’s not even get started on the slags from across the pond…” Emily’s face dropped and I squeezed her knee reassuringly under the table. I get Snickers’ sense of humor, but as Emily’s best friend she should know when she’s gone too far.
“Sorry,” she muttered when she found herself on the receiving end of my death glare. “I’m just teasing, Ho. You know what I’m like.” Emily smiled, seeming appeased with Snickers response. But a look of sadness lingered slightly in her eyes and I knew then my past was something she felt uncomfortable with. All I could do was hope she didn’t for one second think of comparing herself to any of the women I’ve been with. Because in my mind there is no comparison, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving that to her.
“So, American, how ‘bout getting us more drinks?” Snickers commanded, waving her empty glass from side to side.
“I’m on a break,” I deadpanned. “Yo, Jared!” I hollered across to the bar, getting his attention. Throwing a dishcloth over his shoulder he sauntered over to us. “Snickers here would like a refill,” I told him on his approach. He nodded once and turned back around before he’d fully reached the table.
“Why do you call me that?” she asked, sounding confused and maybe even a little pissed. “I have a name.”
“So do I,” I replied, quick as anything.
“Touché,” she agreed. “But… you are American. So what’s your excuse?”
“You’re fucking nuts,” I told her with a straight face.
“Fuck you, arsehole!” she snapped playfully.
“See?”
“Now now, children,” Emily interrupted. “Don’t make me bang your heads together.” Snickers’ and I chuckled and shook our heads before looking to Emily and apologizing insincerely in unison.
When Jared re-appeared with Snickers’ drink I sat with them while she downed it before completing the last half-hour of my shift behind the bar. By the time I was finished up for the night Snickers had already left - something to do with an art project involving yogurt pots – and Emily sat alone in the corner with a contemplative look on her face.
“You okay?” I asked, tossing my leather jacket over my shoulder.
“I’m perfect,” she beamed, making everything right in the world with her breath-taking smile.
“Come on, doll. Let’s get you to bed.” Winking, I draped an arm over her shoulder and led her outside towards her car, deciding I’d pick my bike up in the morning after my run.
**********
My cell started ringing at 6 AM and my heart stopped beating before I’d even checked the screen. It’s been three weeks since Aunt Sarah called to tell me I might need to head home soon, and every day since I’ve anxiously waited for the call confirming it.
“Hello?” I answered gruffly, still half asleep as I peeled my body off Emily’s and headed out into the living room.
“It’s time, honey. She’s deteriorating.”
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
“Dexter?” Aunt Sarah pressed. It was only then I realized I hadn’t responded.
“I’m here,” I choked out. “How long do I have?”
“You really need to think about coming as soon as you can. The doctor’s aren’t sure. Could be a few days… a few weeks. But you need to be here, Dex. It feels like she’s waiting for you.”
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
“She doesn’t know what’s happening though, honey, remember that. She’s not scared or in any pain.”
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
“Dexter?” Emily’s voice snapped me back into reality and I spun around to face her. “Dexter what is it?” she pressed, panic flooding her voice as she rested a hand on my shoulder.
“I have to go. I’ll arrange a flight as soon as I can.”
“Is that Emily? You’re bringing her with you right?”
“I don’t know,” I lied. I hadn’t planned that far ahead yet and I still didn’t know if I was going to introduce them, or take the cowards way out and lie through my worthless teeth to both of them.
“You need her, Dex. You have told her right?”
“Sure,” I lied. “I’ve really gotta go. I’ll call you later.”
“Take care,
honey.”
“Dexter what is it?” Emily urged.
“That trip home? We need to leave soon. Tonight.” She swallowed forcefully and buried her head in my chest.
“I’m so sorry, Dex,” she consoled. “How long does he have left?”
“I-I’m not sure,” I stuttered, taken aback by the word ‘he’. Emily hasn’t pushed me to talk about my ‘friend’ and because I’m a jackass I haven’t volunteered any information. I was starting to panic. I felt overwhelmed and out of my depth. In the coming days I was either going to have to lie to the most important person in my life or I was going to have to tell her the truth. Either way I risked losing her.
I couldn’t lose them both.
“You’re crying,” Emily noticed, wiping a lone tear from my cheek.
“S-sorry,” I spluttered, coughing exaggeratedly.
“Don’t be. He must mean a lot to you.” Whenever I think the guilt chained to my heart can’t get any heavier, it always manages to pull me down a little further. She wouldn’t feel sorry for me… not if she knew. In that moment, for the briefest of seconds, I wished I’d never met Emily. I wished I’d never allowed myself to believe I could stop myself from destroying her. I wished more than anything, I’d been strong enough to stay away…
“I can’t lose you,” I blurted as a stream of tears cascaded down my face.
“Hey.” She placed a flattened hand along my cheek and rose on her tiptoes until her eyes met mine. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here for you, Dexter. You know that.” As I squeezed my overflowing eyes closed and cradled her tightly to me like I needed her for air, I wished with all my heart I could believe her.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Emily
“Now this counts as number fourteen,” Rachel said as I continued to toss things into my suitcase.
“This isn’t reckless, Rach. He needs me.”
“But it’s almost Christmas,” she pouted. “And all for some friend he’s never even mentioned.” I flashed her a disapproving look which conveyed how insensitive I found that comment. “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.” Giving up on my packing I walked over to her, bent down behind her and threw my hands over her shoulders.
“I’ll miss you too. But I’ll probably be back for Christmas, and even if I’m not, you’ll be with your family. You’ll be too busy to miss me.”
“It won’t be the same and you know it. You always come over Christmas day. It’s tradition. And Christmas is all about tradition.” It’s also tradition for me to be sitting bored and ignored at the dinner table while my parents entertained their posh friends. That’s one tradition I planned to miss anyway this year. I hadn’t told Rachel yet, but I planned to stay here with Dexter this year.
“I’m sorry, Rach. But I have to go. And I know you understand why because you love me.”
“Damn straight I do. That’s why I’m so pissed off about it.” Smiling against her hair I kissed the top of her head. “I think I need a new piercing to get over it. What do you think?”
“Don’t use me as your excuse,” I said jokingly. “Where you gonna get this time?”
“Not decided. Maybe my tongue again. I think it looks mint when you have two.”
“That’s a bad idea just before Christmas. You don’t want to be slurping soup while everyone else is chowing down on turkey and roast potatoes.”
“Hmm. You’re right. My lip then. Or maybe I’ll just get another tattoo.”
“You should get my name. It’ll remind you to miss me,” I teased.
“I won’t need reminding, Ho,” she answered seriously, making my heart stutter. “Here. Let me help you.” I moved back around her and smiled gratefully as she started folding the clothes I’d laid out on the bed. It was 2 PM and we were leaving for the airport in four hours. Thankfully I’d found my passport but I still had to finish packing and nip into work to sign an unpaid holidays request due to the short notice. I was too worried about Dexter to consider the impact the lack of money would have on my return, but I’m sure I’ll find plenty of time to stress about that soon enough.
**********
Dexter arrived in a taxi with his suitcase trailing behind him and I was surprised to see Jared jumping out of the other side of the car.
“Wanted to say goodbye apparently,” Dexter said, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he leaned in for a kiss. “But we both know he and Snickers have probably got plans to secret fuck all the time we’re gone,” he whispered into my ear when Jared had passed us in the doorway.
I laughed because even though I didn’t think that was true – Rachel would’ve told me – it was only a matter of time. One day last week Rachel got herself in a three-day strop, shouting at anyone who dared to look at her. Her excuse was lack of sleep from trying to finish up her latest art project, but we all knew it was because Jared slept with some random girl the night before. Well, everyone except Jared knew it at least.
“This cab’s gonna take us to the airport,” Dexter announced, sending me into a flying panic.
“But I’m not ready!” I said in a fluster. “I thought we still had half an hour!”
“You’re ready, Ho,” Rachel interrupted as she wheeled up behind me. “Your case is packed, your jacket’s over there and your handbag is here,” she said, passing me my brown leather over-the-shoulder bag. “No point in drawing it out any longer eh?” she added glumly, her eyes turning ever so slightly red around the edges.
“I’ll text you every day,” I declared, bending down for the tightest hug ever invented.
“Can’t. Breathe,” she choked out. I released my grip a little but still held her, swaying the top half of her body from side to side. “You better look after my girl, American,” she ordered firmly, glaring in Dexter’s direction.
“Always,” he replied confidently. “And you’ll look after my boy?” he mocked, nodding his head towards Jared.
“Get fucked, dickhead,” Jared spat.
“I’ll miss you too, baby.”
“Right, go on… go before I start crying. Don’t want these nob-jockey’s thinking I’ve got feelings and all that shit,” Rachel interjected, her voice wobbling a little.
“Love you, Rach. Bye, Jared.” I gave them both a goodbye smile in turn.
“Love you, Jared. Bye, Snickers.” Dexter said, mirroring my sad tone. Jared flipped him his middle finger and Rachel offered him the ‘wanker’ sign. It was in that moment I realised just how much I’d miss these guys and I felt tears begin to scratch at the back of my eyes.
“Jesus Christ, you’ll be back in a couple of weeks!” Jared blared, feigning exasperation. “Anyone’d think someone had bloody died!”
“Fuckin hell, Jared. If I could move my legs you’d be getting a swift kick in the balls right now you dumbarse.”
“Shit. Yeah. Sorry, mate,” he mumbled, looking to the ground like he wished it would swallow him whole.
“No worries, man,” Dexter assured. “Catch you guys soon.” Dexter took my hand and led me quickly towards the waiting taxi. I wheeled my case behind me with my free hand and when we reached the boot of the black cab, Dexter took it from me and tossed it inside.
“Bye!” I yelled, waving enthusiastically towards the front door where Rachel and Jared were still waiting.
“Take care, Ho!” Rachel called back.
“What she said!” Jared added.
Climbing into the back of the car while Dexter held the door open for me I waved a final goodbye. Then he jogged to the other side of the car and settled in beside me, squeezing my hand before turning to the driver.
“Heathrow airport please.”
**********
Dexter and I split the airfare and seeing as none of us are millionaires, we only paid for standard travel. That’s why I was amazed at just how different ‘standard’ is classed when travelling to America compared to Europe. Unbelievably, my legs had room to actually move and there was even enough space behind me to recline my seat. I’d
never travelled further than the Canary Islands before but usually, even though the seats on budget airlines have levers to relax them backwards, you’re not actually allowed to do it.
We were plied with food and drinks – free food and drinks – from the second the plane steadied itself in the air and every seat had its own personal flat-screen TV in front of it. I read for a while after taking off – falling in love with Rush Finlay all over again - but then I spent the majority of the seven hour flight fiddling with the fancy gadgets and making a hefty dent in the plane’s food supply, whereas Dexter seemed altogether less impressed and ended up sleeping most of the way. I suppose he’s made this trip before though – the novelty’s probably worn off.
Dexter’s whole demeanour changed the minute we hit the tarmac at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. His posture became rigid and he was quiet and withdrawn. He blamed it on the jetlag but I knew he was anxious about seeing his friend. If he was fit and well the last time they saw one another he was bound to be nervous about what to expect.
I’m likening it to my nanna – my dad’s mum. She died of lung cancer when I was twelve and in the last few weeks of her life she was so weak, so frail. She started to get confused and at some points didn’t even seem like my nanna anymore. And as far as I’m concerned, all these people who tell you dead people look ‘at peace’ or ‘like they’re asleep’ – they’re talking crap. My nanna looked... well she looked dead. She looked rubbery – like a plasticine model, and had the most miserable, almost disgusted frown on her face.
So yeah, I don’t blame Dexter for being nervous. It’s never easy seeing someone you care about like that.
I was exhausted by the time we passed through baggage control, given that in my head it was 3 AM Thursday morning despite my watch saying 11 PM Wednesday night. Dexter didn’t have any family left in Ohio so he’d checked us into a small hotel. And yes – small equals cheap. But still, it had a bed, shower, toilet and kettle so what more could you need?
Take My Hand Page 20
