5. The ‘Seductress/Femme-Fatale’ Technique
Dress in exquisitely tasteful and expensive-looking clothes that say, ‘I only want (and get) the best.’
Speak in a low soft voice.
Toss your hair back from your face.
Wear wonderful perfume, have dark nails and high heels.
Have a graceful dignified walk and posture.
Perfect the fleeting come-hither look.
Do long languid body postures like a panther in repose.
Home in on your target and make him feel special, like he’s the only boy in the room.
Make lots of innuendoes and make extended eye contact.
(Note from Nesta: This is one of my favourites.)
6. The ‘One of the Lads’ Technique (for boys who say they don’t want a girlfriend)
Become good friends, swap jokes.
Look after him.
Don’t flirt with or touch him.
Be casual, get involved in his interests.
Win his trust and build his confidence.
Let him know that you don’t want anything from him.
(When he feels safe with you, remind him that you’re a girl by turning up dressed like a hot babe - or else, because if he’s feeling good about girls, he’ll go off with the next one he meets and won’t look back for a sec, since you weren’t really into having a relationship with him, were you? You were just friends, right?)
7. The ‘Challenge’ (for boys who don’t like it too easy)
Play hard to get.
Flirt outrageously, but maintain unavailability. Be in control. Disagree intelligently and back up your arguments.
Observe his answers quietly with a look of amused disdain.
Practise cheeky lines like Mae West’s: ‘Come up and see me sometime’ or ‘Come up Wednesday - that’s amateur night’.
(Some boys feel that if something or someone is worth having, they have to work for it - so let them.)
8. The ‘Little-Princess-Girlie’ Technique (for boys who like to feel big and strong)
Let him know that you need help - like with a plug or carrying your homework.
Perfect the wide-eyed, innocent, vulnerable look.
Wear little girlie clothes (flowery, ribbons etc).
Learn to wobble your bottom lip as if you’re about to cry in times of crisis and lisp a little - ‘If thomeone doesn’t thort this all out thoon ...’
Praise him emphatically when he does anything for you.
(This works well for boys who like girls to be childlike so that they can feel big and strong. We have three words to say for girls who use this technique and those are: ‘Get a life’.)
The Art of Flirting
Do:
Relax and be yourself.
Be confident.
Make fleeting body contact like brushing his hand when you pass something to him. Touch his arm when he says something funny.
Smile.
Mirror his body language.
Laugh at his jokes, no matter how bad they are.
Listen to what he has to say and look interested - fascinated, even. Ask him lots of questions to show you’re really interested in him.
Look into his eyes and maintain contact a moment too long to show that you’re interested. Then look away.
Lean slightly towards him while you’re chatting.
Flatter specific attributes. Everyone secretly knows what their good points are, so it always feels fab when other people notice too. So look for them - nice mouth, nice eyes, great hair. If you go in with a general line, he might think you say it to everyone. However, if you notice what is unique about him and compliment that, he’ll think you’re on the level and really have noticed him.
Make him feel special and pay attention to him by focusing on what he’s saying. Don’t look round the room or over his shoulder to see if there’s anyone better on offer.
Keep it fun, be charming. Keep conversations light and casual, so learn how to small talk. Chat about situations you both have in common or something that’s currently happening - latest movies, how do you know so and so? That sort of thing.
Right: Hi. Have you tried the tortilla dip? It’s fab.
Wrong: Hi. I’m staying away from that tortilla dip as I’m on a diet and anyway, I’m feeling rotten tonight. I blame my parents. They split up when I was young so you’ll probably dump me - that is, if you even go out with me in the first place. I’ve always felt like I’m a loser. Hey, let me tell you all about it ... (Exit boy.)
Leave him wanting more so don’t overstay your welcome. Just as things are going great, e.g. at a party, say, ‘OK, must go and circulate now.’ He’ll think, ‘Hey, she was fun,’ and probably seek you out later.
Soften your voice.
Practise flirting with everyone as practice makes perfect. It will show you how easy it is, will quickly become second nature to you and build your confidence.
Don’t:
Always wait for him to make the move or come up with an opening line.
Go on about other boyfriends.
Be too easy or available.
Act desperate.
Be clingy.
Get heavy, serious or too emotional. Something mega dramatic might be happening in your life, but if you go on about it too much in the early stages, he might think, ‘Woah, drama queen, high maintenance, I’m outta here’.
Stand too close and crowd his space.
Brag. (Get a friend to brag about you on your behalf that way, you look wonderful. And modest!)
Only wait to flirt with boys you fancy. You’ll get rusty.
(Note: To check if a boy is interested: make eye contact a moment too long, as mentioned before. Move and hide behind a pillar or wall where you can see him, but he can’t see you. Watch to see if he looks to where you were last standing and on seeing you gone, looks round for you. If he does, he’s interested.)
What’s the definition of a flirt?
A girl who thinks it’s every man for herself.
Reading Body Language
Dilated pupils are sometimes a clue that he’s interested. Sadly, they can also mean that he’s out of his head on something!
Extended eye contact can mean he’s attracted to you. It can also mean that he’s shortsighted and trying to work out if he fancies you or if you’re his sister.
Leaning towards you or in on you can mean that he wants to be near you. It can also mean that he’s had too much to drink!
Mirroring your posture or hand signals is always a good sign as it means that he is empathising with you.
(Note: Sometimes it almost impossible to read a boy’s body language. In fact, he may act as if he dislikes you when in actual fact, he fancies you like mad. Boys fear rejection and it can feel scary to really like someone, so some boys go totally the other way and act cool and disinterested even though they like that person. If you really like the boy, give him a chance to get over being cool by being encouraging. Give him a signal that you like him and you’ll soon see his body language change!)
Meeting The One
Some people believe in the romantic notion that somewhere out there is a very special person just for them. The One. Your soul mate. Someone who you’ll recognise because you feel at your best with him, and you’ll feel you were destined to be with them. We had varying opinions on this, but really it’s up to you if you if you choose to believe in ‘The One’ theory or not.
Nesta: Who says you only get One? If you’re lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three ... and so on.
Lucy: Don’t put off seeing other boys or waste too much time waiting for The One in case he lives in Outer Mongolia and never travels. If you do meet him, you will know him at once and can take it from there.
Izzie: If it’s meant to be, destiny will bring you together in this life as it has in past lives.
TJ: It’s all chemical. The One is just a way of saying you fancy someone and your pheromones are mutually attractive.
> How to Spot a Rat
Basically, he doesn’t phone when he says he will. He is totally unreliable. He lies. He’s late. He’s vague about what he does when he’s not with you. He doesn’t listen to you or looks bored or amused when you’re pouring out your heart. He cheats. He doesn’t respect you.
Don’t get involved.
Trouble is, sometimes even the smartest of girls doesn’t realise that a boy is a rat until too late. This is because often a rat looks exactly the same as a nice guy. (Both TJ and I got fooled into falling for the same love rat once and he really seemed like a nice guy at first. It almost broke our friendship up until we realised that being mates was more important than being with a boy we couldn’t trust.)
As with their body language, sometimes boys are hard to read and understand. Which brings me to our next section.
Boy-Speak
What He Says
What He Means
Call you later.
... if I remember and even then probably not for a week or so. (And remember, a watched phone never rings.)
Commitment.
Usually only applies to a football team.
I need space.
... for my other girlfriends.
Let’s just see how it goes
Back off, I’m feeling pressured.
Would you like a back rub?
I want to grope you.
Isn’t it warm in here?
I want to grope you and am hoping you’ll take your clothes off.
Hi. Your friend looks nice.
I fancy her and I’m using you to get to her.
Don’t get heavy.
I don’t feel the same way about you.
She’s ugly/a lesbian.
She didn’t fancy me.
I’m not ready for a relationship.
... at least not with you.
I like my own way.
I’m very independent.
I think we should be free to date other people.
I already am.
We can still be friends.
You’re history, baby.
Dating
So you’ve got him to notice you. He’s got your number. Then what?
The general rule is that if a boy is interested, you don’t have to wonder if he’ll call or not. He will. In his own time, but he will.
Of course there are exceptions:
1. He’s shy.
2. He’s lost your number.
3. He put your number in his jeans pocket and those jeans went in the wash.
4. He’s lazy.
5. He might fear rejection.
It can be hard for boys to do the all the running around and asking for a date can be scary. In which case, you could always ask him. But remember ...
Pick your time. Ask him when he’s on his own as sometimes boys act too cool or embarrassed when with their mates.
Give at least a few days’ notice - if you ask him out for that night, he may be busy. However, if he is busy but interested, he will probably say something like, ‘Oh sorry, I can’t make tonight, but how about another time?’ If turning you down, he won’t give an opening for another time or will make an excuse. A genuine excuse is usually backed up with an alternative arrangement.
Be cool about it. Don’t declare undying love and tell him you’ve been watching him for weeks. He might think, ‘Whoa! Stalker!’
Be confident. Don’t start your invite by saying, ‘I don’t suppose ...’ Be positive. Say, ‘Would you like to ...?’
If you think he might not be ready for a one-to-one date, you could ask him to join you with a bunch of mates. Keep it casual, like ‘There’s a bunch of us going to a concert on Saturday, like to join us?’ Or invite him to a party as you can say it needs some extra boys.
If he declines and doesn’t offer an alternative date, move on.
But say he does call. He asks you out on a date. Fantastic. What then?
First Dates
Do:
Be cool and not too overeager if asked out, but do show that you’re pleased.
Right:
He: Let’s get together some time.
You: (big smile) Sure. Sounds good.
He: How about next Friday?
Wrong:
He: Let’s get together some time.
You: Yes. Hold on, I’ll get my diary. I’m free tonight or I could come over right now.
He: Um. I’ll call you.
Be encouraging as it probably took the boy a lot of nerve to get the courage up to ask you (Unless you’re Tony, who is under the impression that all girls are gagging to go out with him. But not all boys are as confident as he is.)
Make some effort, but don’t go over the top. Dress so that you look good, but are comfortable in what you’re wearing - but not too comfortable, like in your pyjamas.
Offer to pay your way. Usually whoever has asked you on a date should pay the first time, but don’t assume. Offer to go ‘Dutch’ and pay your share. He can always refuse to let you.
If he pays you a compliment, take it. Say thank you. Don’t go into a whole thing about how short/fat/ugly you really are as a) it sounds as though you are dismissing his compliment and b) he might think, ‘Oh yeah, I hadn’t noticed before, but you are short/fat/ugly!’
Keep your conversations light and fun.
Don’t:
Take a friend along.
Ask questions that are too personal in the beginning - like: Are you still a virgin? And don’t make personal comments about his appearance unless it’s complimentary - asking if he’s always had sticky-out ears isn’t going to make him feel great, whereas asking where he gets his hair cut as it looks fab, is.
Steal his thunder if he’s telling you a joke, by saying, ‘Oh, I’ve heard this’, or finishing the punch-line for him. Let him get it out and laugh. It’s his first date too and he’s probably a bit nervous.
Make him feel bad if he says something dumb as sometimes the wrong thing slips out and you don’t want to make him feel totally stupid.
Be too early and don’t be too late.
A girl came home from a party complaining about one of the guests. ‘She must have yawned about fifty times while I was talking to her.’
‘Maybe she wasn’t yawning,’ suggested her mate. ‘Maybe she was trying to say something.’
The Art of Good Conversation
As with the flirting, once again, don’t talk about yourself non-stop. It’s easy to do this because of nerves or to fill awkward silences. A good conversation is a two-way street. You listen. You talk. You ask questions. Keep it light - mutual interests, fave music, movies, etc. Get to know each other. However, there is also a saying that goes: a gossip talks about others, a bore talks about himself and a good conversationalist talks (or asks) about you. So, in the early part of the date there’s no harm in getting him talking about himself as much as you can, as it will make him feel like: a) he’s really interesting, and b) you’re really interested. As the dates continue, though, make sure that the communication is going both ways or else you will end up getting bored or resentful. Also don’t gossip in a mean way about people you know or else he might think, ‘If she’s saying things like that about them, what’s she going to say about me?’
If you’re really shy and are truly lost for words when you are with someone you fancy, don’t worry, you can always bluff it.
Over to my brother, Tony, for this bit, as he’s the world’s best bluffer!
The Insider’s Guide to Good Conversation
by Tony Costello
1. Feed leading questions to your date and listen to their replies. Feed him lines that get him going on his fave subject. For example, for a boy who is movie mad: ‘What are your top three favourite films?’ You get the idea. If you do it right, he won’t even notice that you’re shy or don’t have a lot to say. For example ...
Right:
He: Are you into movies?
You: Oh yes. What are your favourite three?
He: (Ten-minute animated reply.)
You: Mmm. Fascinating. And what’s the worse movie you’ve ever seen?
He: (Five-minute animated reply.)
You: Wow. You really know a lot about films.
He: (Thinks: What an impressive and easy to talk to girl.)
Wrong:
He: Are you into movies?
You: Nah. Not really.
(End of conversation.)
Also wrong:
He: Are you into movies?
You: Sometimes, but I prefer the telly. My favourites are ... (Ten minutes of you blabbering on.)
He: Oh, I don’t watch those.
You: Oh, let me fill you in on what you’ve been missing. (More blabbering on.)
He: (Thinks: We haven’t got a lot in common here.)
Remember, a good listener waits for their turn to speak, keeps eye contact, doesn’t interrupt and doesn’t look bored or look round the room.
2. If he asks you leading questions about his favourite interest, don’t be afraid to say that you don’t know about a subject or else you can end up looking like a prat. Once again, ask him to tell you about it.
(Note: We girls think this is good only in the initial stages of pulling if you are feeling a bit nervous. After that it has to be two-way with talking and listening on both sides. And remember if out with a group of mates, be careful not to exclude your date if he doesn’t know the people you might be talking about. You could be having a jolly old time and a great laugh, but there’s nothing worse than feeling that you can’t join in the conversation.)
Mates, Dates Guide to Life Page 3
