I reached for her hand again and took it, even though she tried to pull it away. “I’m not leaving you,” I said into those inconsolable eyes even as she shook her head frantically.
“Yes, you are!” she screamed, continuing to try to free her hand from mine.
“No, I’m not,” I said again with even more conviction. “And neither is Edi. She’s just hurting, sweetheart. She probably just needs to be with her family.”
“And what about me!” she screamed, finally undoing her hand from my hold. “What about me? Who do I have? She’s leaving me, and I’ll be all alone again.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, raising my voice, not because I was angry, but because I needed her to hear me over her own sobbing. “You have me and Bea—”
“Until you leave me too!”
“I am not leaving you!”
“You will!” she cried. “You will! Everybody does!”
I got out of the car and rushed around, my own throat constricting as my heart broke for Henrietta. I knew she’d been afraid of losing Edi, but I had no idea how deep that fear ran, and I could kick myself now for not being more understanding about this.
I opened the door, but her face was buried in her hands, and her entire body shook with continued sobs. “Henri, baby,” I said, kneeling down so I could be closer because suddenly I didn’t think it was such a good idea to ask her to step out. Someone might call the cops if they heard her. “I’m not going anywhere, and I think you’re misunderstanding Edi wanting to leave. She’s not leaving you; she’s trying to get over a broken heart.”
“It doesn’t matter, Aaron,” she said, still staring at her hands. “She’s still leaving me—wants nothing to do with me—and you will too.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” It was a struggle, but I was trying not to let the frustration get to me. “I love you. Damn it. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You will when you find out . . .”
I froze even as I stared at her still shuddering body. “Find out what?” I asked as calmly as I could. She didn’t respond only continued to sob. “Find out what, Henri?”
Normally, at a terrifying moment like this, I’d have a million things assaulting my thought process. At the moment, I couldn’t think of a single thing I could find out that would make her think I’d leave her. The only things that surfaced were my contradicting feelings about her excitement over spending time with Edi a few of the days I’d reported to the station in the past weeks. She’d said the time they’d spent together had been very pleasant. “It almost felt like old times,” was how she’d explained it.
They’d gone to the movies one of the days then gone out for burgers. Another one of the days they’d spent the entire day at a blues festival downtown. She said she felt as if things might be getting back to how they once were, but now I wondered what exactly that meant.
I remembered feeling happy for her. I hated that genuine fear that flashed in her eyes whenever we spoke of the possibility of Edi not ever being able to accept them as just friends. So seeing her so happy about the time they’d spent together was a relief. I really had been happy for her, but a part of me couldn’t help worrying. Maybe things had been pleasant for other reasons.
The thought of Henri and Edi being intimate was generally an arousing one. As arrogant and immature as I knew it was to feel nothing more than aroused at the thought, I’d never felt so incredibly ignorant than I did at that moment. All this time, despite everything Henri had told me, I’d considered Edi harmless to my relationship with Henri. Like a punch in the gut, the reality hit me just then. Edi posed a real threat, and it didn’t get more apparent than at that moment as I watched Henri sobbing over the thought of losing her.
Suddenly, I realized that, in my utter stupidity, I hadn’t considered the fact that my girlfriend still living with her ex was a problem. Her ex, regardless of her gender, was still very much in love with my girl. Henri had been happy about spending an entire Sunday at a romantic jazz fest with her ex and had been glowing the next day about the fact that it felt like old times.
“Henri,” I said as a sudden heat engulfed me. “Look at me.”
She shook her head, refusing to lift her face from her hands as the frustration I was now feeling with myself for having been so fucking stupid mounted. Yesterday everything had been fine. What happened between now and then that triggered the sudden turmoil that had us sitting here with Henri bawling her eyes out?
“What is it she can’t take anymore?” I asked as calmly as I could.
Her sobbing calmed a bit as if maybe she realized I was on to something. I reached over her under the armrest and pulled out a napkin, handing it to her. She wiped her nose and dabbed her eyes as she continued to sniffle but still wouldn’t look at me.
“Does she know you and I—?”
“No!” she finally looked at me, her face in complete shock. “I can’t tell her, Aaron, especially not now. She’s seriously thinking about leaving! Don’t you understand? If I admit the truth, she’ll for sure leave.”
“So what changed?” I asked, doing my damnedest not to snap. Obviously, this was a lot harder for her than I could understand. “Why today? Did something happen between you two?”
She wiped her eyes, sniffing some more. “She was upset last night when I got home so late. She kept telling me to just admit something was going on between you and me, but I couldn’t. This . . .” Henri pointed at herself. “This was her last night. She was this upset. How could I tell her?” She shook her head. “We finally went to bed, but this morning I overheard her on the phone with her sister. I heard her telling her she’s feeling homesick, how she’s thinking of transferring to ESU. She didn’t mention any of that last night, so when she got off the phone, I asked her if she was serious, and that was when she told me about how she’s been looking into it and then said she was researching how I could get a dorm or maybe another student roommate. In other words, she doesn’t want me to come with her.”
“Baby, maybe it’s for the best,” I said.
“How can you say that?” she asked, her face crumbling again.
“Because . . .” I reached for her hand. “Maybe this is what you both need.”
“No.” She shook her head adamantly, staring down at her hands. “I don’t wanna be alone again. You’re gonna leave me too.”
I squeezed her hand and shook it this time. “Look at me.”
She shook her head again.
“Look at me, Henrietta.”
She finally did wiping her nose again.
“When I find out what? You said I’d leave when I did.” Her brows lifted as her face began to fall apart again, so I took her other hand and squeezed them both now as my heart sped up. “I can’t think of a single thing that would make me leave you, baby. Not one. So just tell me. What is it?”
“I’m a horrible person, Aaron. The worst kind imaginable.”
I stared at her, not understanding. “Horrible person?” Now I shook my head. “What are you talking about?”
Chapter 19
Henri
I should’ve told him sooner. A part of me just wanted to believe that like everything else in my life that had changed for the better this would too. But hearing Edi say she wanted to leave, confirming what I’d always known would happen, reminded me of the bitter truth—this was who I was and was doomed to be forever.
“I’m never having kids,” I said, just spitting it out.
His expression was almost comical, but I couldn’t conjure up even the tiniest of smiles.
“Okay,” he finally said. “How does that make you a horrible person?”
“Look what I’ve done to Edi!” I said, the tears once again coming en masse. “Only someone disgustingly selfish and horrible would do that. And it’s because I’m a horrible person that I won’t ever bring a life into this world. My parents were monsters, Aaron.”
I felt the bile rise in my throat just as I used to during those ther
apy sessions so long ago: The only times I ever talked about this to anyone. The only time I was forced to remember. But I had to tell him so that he’d know and he could leave me already. I didn’t want to put myself through the torment of waiting and wondering not if but when it would happen. “My father beat and raped my mom in front of my sister and me. My mom smoked weed and crack in front of us, and after my dad left, she brought her johns home and got high with them too. She let them touch us sometimes if it meant more money. That’s the blood that runs in my veins,” I said through my teeth, slapping the veins in my arms as the anger rose in me. “The blood of those two monsters. Two monsters who did those things to their innocent children and thought nothing of just abandoning us. They knew they created more monsters who’d someday grow up and be just like them. My sister already proved she, too, was capable of abandoning the only person in her life who loved her unconditionally then . . .”
I scrambled to get up and out of the car just in time to throw up on the side of the street. I heaved even as I felt Aaron’s hand rub my back gently. He handed me more tissue, and I wiped my mouth when I was finally done dry heaving. I didn’t think I could cry anymore, but I did.
“I should’ve told you sooner.” I whimpered. “I’m sorry. I was just hoping—”
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly against his chest, and kissed the top of my head.
“You should’ve,’ he whispered against the side of my head. “Not for the reasons you think I should’ve known, but so that I can assure you I don’t think you’re a monster, sweetheart. Not even close. I think maybe one day you’ll change your mind about having kids because any child would be blessed to have someone as wonderful as you as their mom. But if you don’t change your mind, I’m still not going anywhere. I promise you this. Do you hear me?”
I took a deep breath, holding on to him for dear life because, God, I wanted to believe him.
He pulled away and held my face in his hands, searching my eyes very seriously. “Do you believe me?”
“I want to,” I whispered still sniffling.
“I’ve been doing my best to try and be as understanding about your relationship with Edi,” he explained, still searching my eyes. “I knew you had it rough growing up, but, baby, I had no idea it was this bad.”
“Most of the time I don’t think about that part,” I said anxiously. “I try not to harp about—”
“Harp?” his brows narrowed almost as if he were angry. “You harp about a bet you lost or about your car breaking down, Henri. Talking about this wouldn’t even be in the same category as harping. No one should ever have to live through what you have, and if talking about the memories helps you deal with the pent-up emotions and unfounded fears that you’re a horrible person, then by all means, baby, let it out. No one’s going to accuse you of harping. Least of all me.”
I hugged him again, needing to feel his arms around me. I never wanted to feel like I needed Aaron. As I had with everyone else in my life who’d left. I’d always known a boyfriend was different. People broke up all the time. It was a real possibility that things between him and me wouldn’t work out, and I didn’t want it to feel like the end of the world as it did when my sister first left and now Edi.
I was beginning to wonder if I might not be losing my mind. My screwed-up past was probably to blame, but my brain was wired so my thought processes were so conflicting. I never wanted to be anyone’s needy girlfriend. I’d become Edi’s only out of desperation because I needed to hold on to my best friend—my sister—the only person who felt like family to me. The person who would be there for me even after any breakups or divorces I might experience in my life.
As understanding as Aaron was trying to be, I didn’t think he’d ever understand that part. Even I didn’t understand why I needed her in my life so badly. I knew Aaron would say that, aside from him, I had Gemma, but that was different. I’d never felt a close connection with Gemma. I hadn’t even told her about my relationship with Edi. I probably never would.
I looked up at him, drowning in guilt that I was actually considering going back to California where I could at least be alone and try and get through this in the only place I’d ever considered home.
“I think I may need the day off,” I said, finally able to calm my pathetic blubbering down to an ugly snivel.
“Done,” he said without even thinking about it. “I’ll let everyone know they have the day off.” He wiped the corner of my eyes gently with the tip of his fingers. “But first let’s get some food in you—at least some liquids before you get dehydrated.”
I knew trying to argue with him that he didn’t need to take the day off and, worse, shut down his business for the day on account of me would be pointless, but I tried anyway. He’d only had the new employees working for him for a few weeks, but already he’d set up a group email, so he sent one off just after we ordered breakfast at a local diner.
I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I was already feeling a little dizzy, so I agreed to have the kids’ pancake special with a side of fruit and some orange juice. It hit the spot, and I actually felt better by the time I was finished. By the end of breakfast, we were in agreement that I should go back to therapy at least for a little bit to help me deal with issues that, evidently, I still needed work through. Aaron also made me promise I’d never again refer to myself as a horrible person.
Tired of talking about Edi and my killjoy past, I changed the subject as soon as we set foot in his bedroom and I saw the tux hanging on his closet door. He’d mentioned last night that he was picking it up this morning.
“Nice,” I said, examining the expensive-looking charcoal grey tux a little closer. I could already imagine how amazing he’d look in it. “I was expecting black.”
“Everyone else will be in black, including the girls. Well,” he said, slipping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing the side of my neck, “except for Mia. She’ll be in a silver-grey dress to match me.”
I’d never felt jealous of Mia, especially once Aaron started talking about his real feelings for her. I felt sorry for her actually. To love a man like Aaron for so long only to lose him in the end had to be devastating. Even back when I’d first seen her on New Year’s Eve or later when I began feeling for him, I envied her maybe. She and Aaron seemed so perfect together, but I was never jealous. I did have to admit now that the thought of how perfect they’d look together at this wedding was a bit galling.
“Will this be the first time you’ve seen Mia since you broke up with her?”
I shouldn’t have to ask. I knew it was. For some reason, remembering how he’d gone to lunch with Luke to discuss the toast and hadn’t mentioned it, I wondered now if maybe he’d run into her since and decided not to mention it either. He’d told me all about the bachelor party he had last week, even about the stripper he said he hired at the insistence of the rest of the groomsmen, but he promised me I had nothing to worry about.
“Unless I know a girl is stripping for me and only me ever, it sort of takes from the whole experience,” he’d said as he explained, sounding completely sincere. “Especially when there’s a bunch of other horny dudes in the room gawking. Trust me. Not my thing.”
I figured if he was honest enough to tell me about that, why would he omit the fact that he’d run into her? So it almost felt silly asking.
“No, actually,” he said, and my head nearly jerked around to look at him.
My reaction was so unexpected, even to myself, he pulled his head back, looking as surprised as I felt. “I saw her this morning when I picked up my tux. She was there, picking up her dress.”
“Did you talk to her?” I wasn’t mad just curious.
“Yeah, but it was tense,” he admitted as I turned completely to face him. He brought his arms around my waist, pulling me to him again. “Mostly just ‘hello, how are you doing,’ and then ‘bye.’ Very generic.”
The corner of his lip twitched as if he were thinking wh
at I knew he was thinking. I smirked, knowing my knee-jerk reaction to his initial response came across as petty and jealous. But standing here in his arms now, taking him in completely in all his glory along with his enthralling scent, I actually felt sorry for Mia again. Ever since he’d hired on a new crew, he’d taken to dressing more professionally than in his Ingham county sweats and snug T-shirts. Not that he didn’t look amazing in even those, but he was absolutely panty-droppingly sexy in his designer dress clothes. I liked to tease him and say they were his Boss clothes.
Seeing him like this for what I’d assume now was the first time since he’d broken her heart couldn’t have been painless for Mia. But I supposed it was better than if the first time she saw him was when she had to meet him at the back of the church tomorrow to accompany him down the aisle. She’d likely been dreaming he’d walk her down the aisle for years, but not as her ex-boyfriend who was now in love with someone else.
“What are you thinking, Henri?”
I lifted his tie playfully. “Well, just now, I was thinking about how hard it must’ve been for Mia to see you today. But a few thoughts before that I was thinking about how panty-droppingly sexy you look in your Boss clothes.”
His brows jumped instantly and he smiled. “After the morning you had, I didn’t think you’d be doing any panty dropping today.”
He rubbed against me so I could see how he was already hard. I giggled because we’d already discussed how maddening it was to him that he was so powerless to control that around me. He confessed it’d been happening long before he and I ever got together.
Defining Love: Volume 3 (Defining Love #3) Page 10
