by Amanda Aksel
“Don’t worry, Daddy. My priority is whatever’s best for the baby.”
Dad kisses my forehead and closes the curtains in the room, blacking out the sun. “Get some rest.”
27
I ’M EXHAUSTED AFTER LAST NIGHT, but surgery still calls. I’ve been on my feet for almost three hours now—almost done with this valve replacement. I keep asking the nurse to check my phone to make sure there are no missed texts or calls from Beau. She’s probably fine, but after that scare last night, I can’t help but be overly concerned. Seeing her shaking and crying and bleeding like that was the worst. I really don’t know what I’d do if something happened to either of them.
When I finally get home late that evening, the house is silent. Almost like there’s no one there. I make my way upstairs to Beau’s room, but her bed is empty. Maybe the manor is empty. Where is she? After wandering through the more frequent areas of my house, I don’t see her in the kitchen, the living areas, the library, or my study. She’s probably staying in the guest quarters so she can be near Suzanne and David. I rub the back of my neck as I head back down the long hallway to my bedroom suite.
A table lamp illuminates not much more than the bed. Beau sleeps peacefully on her side as if she had been waiting for me to get home. I lean over and, for the moment, imagine that this is a typical find after a long day at the hospital and kiss her face, careful not to wake her. But she stirs anyway.
“Hey.” Beau’s voice is froggy. “I fell asleep.” She sits up, rubbing her eyes.
“That’s okay. You need rest. You can go back to sleep.” I run my fingers along her cheek, pushing her hair away from her face.
She yawns and takes in a deep breath. “I just wanted to see you. You’ve been gone all day.”
How sweet is that? I can’t ever remember Davina waiting up like this for me. “Yeah, I had some procedures to do. But I’m here now.”
“I hope you don’t mind that I’m in here. After last night, I don’t want to sleep alone.”
“I don’t mind at all. It’s kind of nice having you in my bed.” I kick off my shoes and unbutton my shirt, toss it to the floor, then lie next to her. She curls into me, and I can feel her chest rise and fall as her breathing grows deeper. I peek down at her lying on my chest. The woman is out. I flick off the light and hold her close until I fall asleep too.
By the time the sun rises, Beau’s gone. I’m a light sleeper, so I’m sure I would have heard her sneak out. For the first time since Beau came to the UK, I feel . . . lonely. I had gotten used to being on my own, but now that I’ve had the small respite, I don’t want to go back. How can I go back to sleeping with random women? Go back to walking the halls of a gigantic house with nothing but material things to fill its space? I don’t want to spend my life closed off because there’s a chance I’ll get hurt. And I don’t want my child to be on the other side of the world from me. But what can I do?
Ask Beau to stay?
No. I can’t do that. I’ve had bananas longer than the amount of time I’ve spent with her. It’s crazy. Irrational. But somehow it feels right. And how will I learn to trust myself again if I don’t at least try.
I throw the covers off and shuffle my feet along the chilly hallway into Beau’s room. Her bed is made and she’s sitting on the edge slipping her adorable feet into her boots.
She looks up. “Mick. Good morning.”
I can’t help but smile when I see her. “Good morning. I was wondering where you’d gone.”
“Yeah, I didn’t want my dad catching us spending the night together. It’d be too hard to explain.”
“I understand.” She stands fully dressed in her brown boots and grabs her matching purse. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Yeah, Dr. Ellis called and asked if I could come in this morning or just see another OB for my later appointment. I’d rather see her, so I’m heading over there. My dad’s coming with me.”
I rock on my heels. “Oh, do you mind if I tag along?”
“Not at all. I’m sure that would be okay.” She seems pleased at my suggestion.
“Hey, come here.” I pull her in and look into her eyes. Her lips part, and I kiss her warm and comforting mouth. What I would give to lock this door and tear her clothes off. But I hold back, aware that David could encounter us at anytime. “Maybe we can finish this later,” I say, adjusting my pants.
She looks up, her eyes reflecting exactly what I’m feeling—that I’m crazy about her. I brush my knuckles along her stomach. After hearing my baby’s heartbeat the other day, I’m crazy about my child too.
My Range Rover is already warmed up, and the heat blasts as the three of us hop into the car. Beau sits almost silently in the back while David, in the passenger seat, goes on and on about some movie being over budget.
“Hey, Doc,” David says. “You like movies about doctors?”
I shrug. “I don’t really get a chance to watch many movies these days.”
“I know what you mean. The only reason I get to see them is because I make them. Did you ever see the movie Hollywood Code?”
“Yeah, that was back in the ’90s, wasn’t it?” I ask, recalling the melancholy hospital drama. “It was a sad movie.”
“Yeah. Terrible title too. Everyone thought it was about Hollywood life. The things we wish we could do over. But, you know Beau’s mom starred in the movie.”
I whip my head in his direction, then look back at Beau. I remember how beautiful that actress was. Still, she’s got nothing on her daughter. “Really? Beau said her mom was an actress. I didn’t know that she’s a movie star.”
“Was a movie star,” Beau interjects. “She’s a director and producer now.”
“Yeah, yeah,” David says, “my ex-wife prefers to be known for her talents off screen.”
I glance at Beau in the rearview mirror, wanting to ask if her mom knows about the baby. But I don’t want to put her in a position to have to explain anything she might not want to in front of David. So instead, I let David go on and on, listing all the medical-type films he’s made until we get to the real hospital.
We step onto Dr. Ellis’s floor and make our way down the hall. I smile, greeting the few members of the staff I recognize. The nurse brings us to an exam room where she instructs Beau to sit on the table. David takes a seat meant for family, and I stand near the door with my arms folded, pretending not to be too invested. I’ll be so relieved when we finally get to tell David the truth.
My child’s grandfather gives me a funny look. “You don’t need to stay for this part, Doc. I’m sure you can use this time to check on your patients.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” I say, when what I really want to say is, It’s my baby too. Beau twists her mouth, and I know she’s feeling a twinge of guilt.
“Hello, hello!” Dr. Ellis calls, the sound of her heels clacking against the tile.
Beau puts on a bright smile. “Hi, Dr. Ellis.”
“How have you been feeling?” she asks.
“Other than being tired after yesterday, I’m feeling good.”
“No more bleeding? Unusual cramping?”
She shakes her head, and Dr. Ellis tells her to pull up her shirt. Beau lifts her top, exposing her soft skin. I enjoy looking at it for a moment before the doctor goops the blue gel over it. Eh, it still looks great. She moves the probe over Beau’s stomach and an image appears on the screen, followed by the whooshing noise. And then, finally, the sound of our baby’s heartbeat. I don’t need Dr. Ellis to say anything. I know that baby is good, and I let out a deep sigh.
“Holy shit,” David calls. “That’s my grandchild?” He gets closer to the screen, squinting his eyes.
“So far, so good.” Dr. Ellis says, staring at the screen. “Looks like you’ll be fine to fly back. Just be sure to get an appointment with your OB as soon as possible.”
“I will.” Beau flashes a quick look my way but then avoids my stare. Maybe she won’t have to fly back at all. Maybe Dr. El
lis will be the one to deliver the baby. The hum of a printer sounds from the machine.
The doctor takes the films and hands them to Beau. “Here you go.”
“I can take these?” she asks, and the doctor nods.
“Can I see that?” David asks. I look over his shoulder at the first picture of my child.
“Amazing. Isn’t it, Doc?”
“Yes, it’s a miracle,” I say and glance at Beau. David’s too enthralled with the photograph to notice, or I’m too enthralled with Beau to notice him. Either way, we’re both men falling in love.
On the way home, David talks as much as he did before. Only this time, he’s not talking about movies. “When do we find out what you’re having?” he asks.
“A couple more months,” Beau says.
“I can’t wait. I think the last time I was so excited to meet someone was when Beau was born.” He reaches back for her hand. “I’m so glad you’re coming to live with me. I’m going to make sure that both of you are taken care of.”
I shoot Beau a look in the rearview mirror. “You’re moving in with David?”
“She didn’t tell you?” David asks.
“No,” I say. I’m glad that she’ll be living with someone who can keep an eye on her, but I was hoping that person would be me. It should be me.
***
Back at the manor, I pull Beau into the library and close the door. “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our situation and . . . I think we should tell David.”
A sour look spreads over her face. “You think he’s ready?”
“Yeah, we’ve kept the truth from him for too long. I think he’s strong enough to handle it.”
She lets out a sigh, looking like she doesn’t want to disappoint me but will. “I want to wait until we get home. It might be easier for him.”
“Yeah, I want to talk to you about that too. I don’t want you to fly back to LA. At least not yet.”
“What does that mean?”
“I want you to stay so I can look after you and the baby.”
Her face flushes like she’s flattered by the invitation. “You do?”
“Yes. I think it’s the right thing. Don’t you?”
28
A LL I EVER WANTED WAS THE LOVE of two men, my father and my lover. And now both of them want to take care of me. I should feel on top of the world, but I only feel like I’m being ripped in two. No man has ever asked me to take such a big step and, given my history, I’m hesitant.
“What about us?” I ask.
He shrugs. “We should keep doing what we’re doing and see where it goes.”
“Okay,” I step back, keeping my eyes lowered. “What if we do this, and right before the baby is born, you change your mind?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know, because people’s hearts change. It happens a lot. I just don’t want to be in a situation where I’m devastatingly heartbroken with a newborn.”
“I run the same risk as you. You could do the same thing.”
I want to tell him that he’s wrong but maybe he isn’t. If all those men changed their minds about me, then isn’t it at least possible that I could change my mind about him? Besides, we hardly know each other. It would be crazy to come live with him right now when I need to focus on me and my baby.
“Look, I want you to be around for the baby but there is so much time to ease into something together. Something real. Maybe we should get to know each other more before one of us changes our whole lives.”
“So, you don’t want to stay?” he asks.
“It’s not that I don’t want to stay, it’s that I think it might be too soon.”
He lowers his head and lets out a sigh. “Yeah. Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves.”
I walk closer and put my hand on the back of his head. “We’re going to figure this out. You and I will be in each other’s lives for a very long time.”
He takes my hand and brings it to his lips, leaving a small kiss. “I hope so.”
***
I can’t sleep. Who can sleep after turning down an offer to live in this amazing manor from their baby’s daddy? Staying in London has its pros. Aside from the lavish lifestyle, I could nest in the nursery during the day and spend my evenings in bed with Mick. On the other hand, he does work a lot. What if I’m home alone too much? I’m really not used to sitting idle. But I can make friends. It’s kinda my forte, so that’s not really a good reason.
What would Dad say if he knew the whole story? Would he tell me to stay? Or would he still beg me to come back home with him so he can make up for lost time. If I don’t stay, how much time will be lost between my baby and Mick? I don’t want that for him or her either.
I take a deep breath, my eyes wide open, staring at the dark tray ceiling. I can always come back if I want to. Unless I leave and Mick falls for some other girl who’s around every day. Maybe someone at the hospital. What if leaving means I miss my chance with him? What if I stay and he still falls for someone else? That’s something I don’t think I can bear. It’s cliché, but I have to believe that if Mick and I are meant to be, something will happen. The universe has already put us in each other’s paths many times over. Maybe that’s how I’ll know for sure.
29
I T’S HEARTBREAKING SEEING BEAU’S suitcase sitting by my front door, the one I pulled off the belt in New York. She has her reasons, but there’s this part of me that wants to push and fight for her to stay. At the same time, I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to, especially right now while she’s pregnant.
David’s grin is so big, you’d think he just won the lottery. He must be thrilled to finally go home. I’d be thrilled too . . . if he wasn’t taking her with him.
He extends his hand. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Doc. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome,” I offer, mustering a smile.
“And hey, if you ever need a place to stay in LA, you’re always welcome at my place.”
I let out a small laugh. “Thanks.”
The sound of Beau’s boots echoes in the entryway. I glance up the stairs. She smiles, but her eyes look sad.
“You ready?” David asks.
She lets out a sigh. “As ready as I can be.”
David nods as Earl takes their luggage out to the car.
“Thanks again,” he says, shaking my hand.
Suzanne, looking as excited to leave as David, opens her arms. “Yes, thank you so much for everything.”
I pat her back as we embrace. “You’re welcome. It was great to have you all here. Maybe we’ll do it again sometime.”
“Let’s just hope it’s not because of a heart attack,” David says.
“Agreed.”
Beau stands off to the side. “Dad, can you give us a minute?”
“Sure, we’ll meet you in the car.” He waves goodbye one last time before disappearing out the front door.
I take in a deep breath, my heart pounding hard against my chest. She’s leaving. She’s really leaving. “You sure you want to go back?”
Beau shakes her head and takes my hand. “No, but I think it’s for the best.”
I nod, lowering my eyes. I want to look at her, especially now that it’s my last few moments with her, but I can’t. I think if I see her more, I’ll only miss her more.
“I’ll miss you,” she says and I look up.
“I’ll miss you too.” My fingers graze her soft cheek, and I stare into her pretty blue eyes. She leans forward and I kiss her, breathing her in and tasting her like it’s the last time our lips will meet. Fuck, I hope that’s not the case.
She lets me go and rubs off her smudged lipstick. “I’ll call you as soon as I land in LA.”
I stick my hands in my pockets. “Okay, have a safe trip.”
She opens the door and steps out onto the landing.
“Hey, Beau,” I call and she turns back. “If you ever change your mind, the offer sti
ll stands.”
She smiles. “I’ll keep that in mind.” The door closes behind her, and I’m tempted to catch her before she gets into the car. But I stop and remind myself that she might be leaving now but she’s not out of my life forever.
30
T HE FLIGHT HOME IS LONG. Especially since I can literally feel an invisible string pulling at my heart the further and further away we fly. I know that coming home is the right thing to do, but for some reason, it still doesn’t feel like it.
I have my dad drop me off at my place for the night. Maybe sleeping in my own bed for once will set things straight. By the morning, the sky is clear, but my head isn’t. There’s only one person who will understand what I’m going through. At least, mostly understand.
“Hey, are you back?” Kate answers the phone.
“Yeah, I’m home.” I sit up in bed, pulling the covers over my chest.
“You don’t sound good. Are you sick?”
I feel a lump in my throat and tears spill down my cheeks. “No, I’m just sad.”
“Why?” Kate’s voice softens in a maternal way.
“I miss Mick. And I know I’ve said this a hundred times but I love him. I really do. Only, I can’t trust myself so I left even though he asked me to stay.”
“Wait, you’re in love with him, pregnant with his baby, and he wanted you to stay in London?”
“Yeah.”
“And you went home anyway?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, what’s wrong with me?”
She laughs. “Nothing is wrong with you. You broke your pattern! Under these circumstances, that’s saying a lot.”
It’s true. I hadn’t really thought about all of this as an act of growth. I just wish I knew what to do. “I want to go back, but I’m afraid. What if I’m wrong? Again?”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be in love with a Bonnaire. You’ve had a long couple of weeks, and you’re super hormonal. Why don’t you settle back in and see how you feel? If you still want to go back, then go and be with him.”
