‘Congratulations,’ I managed to force out, my voice small and weak. That’s when the nurse appeared and told me my outcome. Told me that all hope was gone.
I don’t know who had been more embarrassed. The woman had taken the scan picture straight off her husband and put it inside the plastic folder that housed her pregnancy notes. Her face had a slight tinge of red. Looking back up at me, we stared at each other for a moment, a tear slipping down my cheek. She mouthed ‘sorry’ at me, and I shrugged. This wasn’t new to us.
I saw that same woman the other day in town. There she was, pushing a pushchair with a boy of about two or three sitting wide-eyed, taking in all the sights in front of him. She smiled at me as she passed, but I don’t think she recognised me. I would never forget her face.
Ping. My phone went off.
Danny - Hey, beautiful
The words made me smile. It had been a while since anybody had called me that.
Me - Hey, ugly!
Danny - Oi! Cheeky. Ugly?? With these dashing good looks?!?!
A huge gawking selfie appeared on the screen, making me cringe. I knew it was meant to be a horrible picture, but this one looked shocking! A bit like one of those caricatures they paint in holiday resorts.
Me - Aaaaargh! My eyes, my eyes. lol x
Danny - Lol x
- So what you up to? x
Me - You don’t wanna know! It involves curtains x
Danny - Sounds fun x
Me - It’s not. lol
- So what are you up to?
Danny - Thinking
Me - Oooh, does it hurt?
- About what?
Danny - You honestly want to know?
Me - Hmmm, you’ve intrigued me now. Go on.
There was a few minutes’ pause whilst I stared eagerly at the screen.
Danny - You
I threw my phone down on the sofa next to me. It was as if the message had given me an electric shock. Why would he say that? We were friends. Yeah, I had had an attraction to him, a pull, but that was it. I mean, he had a girlfriend. Ok, I hated her, but he was still wrong to say that. Really wrong. I’m ashamed to admit, though, that once the initial shock had gone I quite liked it. The thought of a man, that man, thinking about me. I was being silly. My phone pinged.
Danny - Sorry
Me - For what?
Danny - You didn’t reply. Guessing I spoke out of turn.
Me - A little. What would your girlfriend say?
Danny - I know it’s wrong, but since I found out you were single I can’t stop thinking about you
Me - Really?
Danny - Really
Me - Oh x
I didn’t know what to say. Should I admit, ‘I keep thinking about you, too. I used to think about you when I was lying in bed with your best friend.’ Maybe there had been signs. One night, Danny took Max and I out to a brewery event. Free drinks were flowing, and I got very drunk very quickly. We all did. Max got so drunk he started to feel unwell and called himself a taxi. Danny grabbed him as he was sneaking away,
‘Aw, mate, wimping out on me! What am I meant to do now? We’re supposed to be going clubbing.’
‘Sorry, mate.’ Max struggled getting into the cab. ‘Take Case. No point us all missing out.’
‘No, babe,’ I laughed, ‘someone has to make sure you get in the house.’
‘I’m a big boy. Go on, give Danny a night to remember.’
The devilish side of me imagined he had actually meant something sordid by that. Obviously, even in my drunken state, I knew he just meant a good dance, shots, and a dirty kebab. This wasn’t the first time Max had headed off early. This time, however, was different.
Having not eaten a lot during the day, I had easily slipped past my comfortable level of alcohol consumption. I still knew what I was doing, but the lines between right and wrong were very blurry. Danny paid for us to get in, then grabbed my hand and ran me over to the three-deep crowded bar, putting me in front of him, his hands on my hips, pushing me through to the front. He had judged correctly that the all-male bar staff would choose cleavage over a slightly awkward-looking bloke. As soon as I’d gotten their attention, Danny started ordering drinks. A lot of drinks. Fish bowls, jelly shots, and Jaegerbombs. This was getting messy.
‘It’s a shame Max went home,’ Danny shouted above the music, getting close to my ear,
‘Oh, charming, am I not good enough company?’
‘Oh, you’re the very best. I’m secretly pleased he’s gone,’ he joked.
‘Oh shush you, you’ll make me blush.’ I took a long sip of our shared fishbowl. My head started spinning. The music changed.
‘Ooooh!’ I squealed. ‘I love this song. Dance with me.’
We rushed to the dancefloor. Danny was a great mover; I already knew this. Max wasn’t a dancer. He would nod his head and tap his foot, but never in time. He loved music but had no rhythm. As much as I pleaded and begged him to dance with me, he always palmed me off to Danny.
Danny’s eyes were struggling to focus as we moved around the crowded space. I had never seen him this drunk before. Still, he had the moves, swaying his hips and twirling me under his arm. There were a few stumbles from both of us, then at one point I fell off my heels into his arms. I was laughing and trying to stand back up until I looked up at his face and caught him staring at me. I knew that look. A look of longing, or was I seeing what I wanted to see?
Time froze, and the music and people faded away. I found myself staring back at him. He started to lean down further, his lips towards mine; he was going to kiss me. I was going to let him. His eyes closed as we got closer. Time moved slowly. I closed my eyes and got ready for what was about to happen. I tilted my head further upwards and, just as I started to feel his breath on my face, I flung my hand up and placed my fingers against his lips, gently pushing him away. His eyes flew open and he looked horrified.
‘I have to go.’ I reached up to speak into his ear, suddenly feeling very sober.
‘Huh.’
‘I need to go home to Max.’
Danny looked confused for a minute. ‘Yes. Max.’
I decided he looked confused because he was wondering where the girl he thought he was about to kiss had gone. I ran out of the club, jumped into the nearest cab, and we never talked about that night ever again.
The dangers of alcohol. I doubt Danny even remembered. The next time I was out dancing with him, I may have noticed him look away when I caught his eye, but I assumed – or hoped – I was being paranoid.
Now, all these years later, I’m staring at the screen, seeing him telling me he has been thinking about me. And now I can’t help but wonder, has he always felt this way?
Danny - Is that all you have to say? Oh?
Me - What else can I say?
Danny - I don’t know. Something.
I waited a while, thinking. What is right and what is wrong? It is wrong to encourage, but then it isn’t right to lie. I pondered for a while before typing.
Me - I’ve been thinking about you, too.
Chapter Eighteen
The day I had been dreading for weeks finally came. It was Kat’s cousin’s baby shower.
‘You will come, won’t you, Casey?’ Laura had willed me at Kat’s mum’s fiftieth a month before. ‘I would love you to be there.’
I smiled back to her as best I could. ‘Sure, Laura, I wouldn’t miss it.’
A concerned Kat watched me over Laura’s shoulder as she lunged forward to hug me, all excited, before rushing off to the toilet, announcing to the room this must be her hundredth time today. ‘I swear this baby has taken up camp on my bladder!’
Kat stepped into the empty space she’d left. ‘You know, you really don’t need to go. Laura will totally understand.’
‘It’s fine.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s nice of her to ask me.’
‘It will be hard.’ She squeezed my arm.
I nodded. ‘Life has to go on, Kat. Unless you think me suddenl
y coming down with a highly allergic reaction to pregnant women would be believable.’
My ‘everything is ok’ mask was growing more bearable to wear, but it didn’t stop it being heavy and uncomfortable. The longer I wore it, the prouder I was of it. It had gone from being a comfort blanket, to war paint, and now full-blown armour.
At the time of the invite, the baby shower had seemed miles off. I felt I had a lifetime to prepare, but now it was here it brought back all those painful memories. The house looked like a tissue paper factory had exploded. A mash of pinks and blues turned into giant bottles and nappies. It was swarming with kids. Newborns swaddled in blankets, toddlers feeling their way around the furniture, and bored pre-teens chasing their siblings to the shout of ‘slow down’ from their parents.
Kat and I were the only childless singletons in the room, but at least she had a ring on her finger.
‘So, Casey, why aren’t you married?’ one of Laura’s friends asked, whilst whipping out a breast and attaching little Charlie.
My thumb felt along the empty space on my ring finger where my promise ring used to sit. I used to play with it when I got nervous or found myself in uncomfortable situations. Even now, two years later, I still sometimes felt it there.
‘I don’t know, really.’ I shrugged. ‘Maybe I just scare them away.’
‘You were with that dishy Max for years,’ Laura chimed in. ‘What happened?’
‘We just grew apart.’ I didn’t think talking about failed pregnancies was the best plan at a baby shower.
‘Oh, such a shame. Pretty little thing like you should have been snapped up by now.’
‘I quite like being single,’ I lied.
‘Oh nonsense,’ quipped Tabatha, super-mum to Tobias and Ethan ‘Yes, I’m sure it’s nice to have your own space, of course, but it must get lonely.’
I laughed it off. ‘I have people to talk to.’ I tapped my phone. ‘Good old technology.’
‘Oh, but it’s not the same.’ That was Helen, the first one. ‘A phone cannot replace human contact. I don’t know what I would do without a cuddle from my Tony at night.’
‘We’ve set a date!’ Kat suddenly shouted, obviously throwing herself under the bus to save me.
‘Ooooh goody. When?’ Laura gushed. She loved weddings. She’d told me this at every family get-together of Kat’s I’d ever been to.
‘15th March.’
‘How long’s it been?’ gaffed Tabatha. ‘Ten years?’
‘No, seven. To the day. We are getting married on the anniversary of the day he asked me.’
‘Oh, that is the sweetest!’ Laura’s hormones had her close to tears.
‘Quick, Casey, that gives you just under six months to bag a man, then you and Kat can be pregnancy buddies.’ The trio were very pleased with this plan, clapping and cooing. and calling, ‘Yes, hurry up, Casey.’
‘Leave it, guys.’ Kat looked uncomfortable.
‘What! It’s a great idea,’ laughed Tabatha, ‘unless you are one of those women.’ As she emphasised the word ‘those’, she gave Helen a look. I felt everyone was staring at me. I tried to speak but I couldn’t. My hands felt clammy. I dug my nails into my hand.
‘You are, aren’t you?’ Helen accused.
‘Guys, please.’ Kat tried to help.
‘You’re one of those women that doesn’t want children, aren’t you?’
I started feeling like a caged animal, backed into a corner.
‘No,’ I managed to cut in, creating them to finally fall silent. ‘I’m one of those women that can’t.’ And with that, I flew out the door.
I’d only gone about three steps out of the front door before I realised not only had I left my handbag inside that held my purse and mobile phone, but I had also left my jacket that had a small pocket which housed my emergency fiver. I considered turning round and going back in, but decided instead to head straight to the bus stop at the end of the road.
With nowhere else to go, I sat there, eyes closed, head tilted back against the bus timetable behind me. I heard a bus pull up and stop, the doors open. I knew the driver would be watching me, checking if I was about to suddenly jump up and get on, but I just stayed there, eyes closed, breathing deeply. I had considered getting on, sitting in a quiet corner of the bus, and travelling around and around for the rest of the day, but even if I wanted to I didn’t have any money.
The doors closed, and the bus moved away. Every now and then, I heard footsteps walking past me. The tip-tap of boots on the pavement got louder then quieter, as they passed me by. One of the sets of footsteps didn’t get quieter again. They stopped.
‘I got us some cake.’
I slowly opened my eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light of summer, and saw Kat standing in front of me with two perfectly wrapped pink parcels.
‘Have I ruined the party?’
Kat perched next to me, plonking cake in my hand.
‘Helen and Tabatha’s faces were a picture! Laura cried, and then Ethan took his nappy off and smeared shit all up the stairs.’ By now, she was laughing hysterically. ‘So, I think you have been fully forgotten about.’
‘Oh my God.’ I couldn’t help laughing along. ‘What did your auntie say?’
‘She’s been after Uncle Martin to change the carpets for years. It will give her a perfect excuse.’
‘He will just get them cleaned, surely?’ I licked some butter icing off my finger.
‘Can’t you hear her?’ Kat did her best impression of her posh aunt Cath. ‘Oh Marty, I know they did such a good job of the cleaning, but all I see when I look at my lovely cream carpet is faeces.’
We finished our cake, and I took my bag off Kat. As I took the handle, we both felt the bag buzz.
‘Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to say it’s doing that. You probably have a message or something.’ I quickly dived into my bag. ‘Look at the urgency,’ Kat continued. ‘Are you hoping it’s your mystery man?’
‘I’ve told you there is no mystery man. He’s just a friend.’
‘A friend that messages you fifty times a day, and you’re keeping them secret from your bestie?’ She pretended to look hurt.
‘I’m sorry, but I have already told you it’s complicated.’
‘Hmmm. That means one of three things. He’s old, he’s ugly, or he’s married.’
With mock offence, I assured her he didn’t fit into any of those categories.
‘Ah,’ she said, as if I had just given her a clue, ‘he is a he, though. I was starting to think you were becoming a fanny licker!’
‘Well, babe, if I did, you would be the first to know.’ I stuck my tongue out at her and wiggled it jokingly.
‘Good to know. Now,’ she jumped up, ‘let’s go somewhere else and get shit-faced.’
‘Finally. I thought you’d never ask.’
I hadn’t told Kat I’d been talking to Danny, because I knew she wouldn’t agree with it. She hated cheaters as much as I did, especially after what she went through with Sean. In my defence, we weren’t cheating. We were only talking. Deep down, I knew it was wrong. I would have been foolish if I had thought otherwise, but all I kept telling myself was: I am single. If he was choosing to message me, that wasn’t my fault, was it?
Nothing had happened, as such. Yes, we had talked about sex. No, we hadn’t talked about sex with each other. Well, not directly. Not at first. We may have started a few what-if scenarios. What-if he was single? What-if he happened to turn up on my doorstep? Obviously, when he first suggested he could turn up one night, horny and wanting me but was still with Erica, I said a blunt no. No, I would not let him cheat on his girlfriend with me. In fact, it wasn’t just him. Johnny Depp could turn up asking to whisk me away for a dirty weekend, and I would have to turn him down because I knew he was in a relationship. Never under any circumstance would I be the other woman. I was worth much more than that.
As time went on, and our conversations got longer and closer together, I slightly changed my st
ory. I told him that as much as I truly believed that I would say no, there was always that slight chance I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I said I still didn’t believe in cheating; that would never change. But there is no possible way to say never. Different situations have different outcomes. Like if I was drunk or tired, or drunk and tired, I would still like to say no but there was more of a chance that I could possibly change my mind.
Now, a whole six months after that first message, we had gone way beyond that. I had admitted to him that yes, without a doubt, one thousand percent, if he turned up on my doorstep and actually wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, I would let him. But I also didn’t believe that he would be able to do that to her, as much as he may want to. They had been together years, and even though he had plenty of opportunities to do so, running the bar, her working away for weeks at a time, he had actually stayed faithful this long.
He told me he had never even considered cheating before now. I wasn’t stupid, I knew there was a chance he was just saying it to flatter me, but I didn’t care because it was working. I was feeling amazing. The worthlessness I had felt after Max, had disappeared. We would stay up all hours talking about when we first met. The spark he felt, how he hated the fact he couldn’t act on it because I was Max’s girl. He told me things I’d never known. How he used to watch me tuck my hair behind my ear, and got jealous of the way I looked at Max. He told me he only went out and found himself a girlfriend, because he was so jealous seeing how happy we were that he wanted to try and get that for himself.
He made me feel so special from first message in the morning to last one at night, and I went from feeling guilty about Erica to resenting her for being the only thing in the way of me having him all to myself.
As much as I knew it was wrong, it made it exciting. I also knew the real reason I couldn’t tell Kat. As much as she hated cheaters, she loved me so would no doubt tell me she understood.
But if I gave her my reasonings and showed her the messages, she would uncover Danny’s sweet messages to be exactly what they were. They were proof that a guy would tell a woman anything to try and get her into bed. See, I couldn’t tell Kat, because as long as this was just between Danny and me, I could pretend that what he was saying was real.
Another Woman's Man Page 7
