by Shen Hart
I poked him in the chest. "Think a little bit more before you try and dive into bed with some female or another."
He laughed quietly. "Yes, boss."
"Good boy."
"There you are."
I twisted around to see Dan standing at the entrance to the alleyway. I smiled at him. "We got a bit side tracked and ran into a siren. It could be a lead. We'll see."
He nodded and looked between Ryan and me. His lips tightened a little. "Alex will worry, we should get to him."
I tried not to pull a face. It wasn't Alex's fault, but it still niggled at me. I said, "We're going to head home, actually, I'm done for the night."
A quiet growl rumbled in Dan's throat, to which I raised an eyebrow, but he smiled and said, "Then I'll join you."
I shrugged. "Sure."
I squeezed Ryan's arm and made a mental note to get him alone the next day to check on him. We joined Dan and headed back to the apartment. Dan quietly moved around to stand by my side putting himself between me and Ryan. I didn't give it much thought as the adrenaline was beginning to wear off and my thoughts were growing more fuzzy and blurry. I knew there was a reason why I didn't drink on the job. I just didn't care for whatever reason that may have been.
18
I rubbed my temples and wondered what the fuck I had done the night before. My head felt like it was splitting in two. Then it came back to me. I drank. Oh, how I drank. When I'd returned back with Dan and Ryan, we kept on drinking, and drinking. I groaned and buried my face under the pillow. Alex laughed at me. I peered out from under the pillow just enough to glare at him, which made him laugh even harder. I cursed him and buried myself deeper.
"Rough night, then."
I cursed him again in response. After much sighing and consideration of spending the day in bed, I dragged myself to the bathroom for a nice, hot shower. Fortunately, the increased healing speed in shifters meant that the hangover didn't last too long. I was starving when I got out, but the headache and spinniness had faded. Ryan and Dan seemed to be slightly the worse for wear, though. They glared at the sunlight streaming through the large windows as though it were on a personal mission to end them. I messed up Ryan's hair as I walked behind him to get some orange juice. He groaned and tried to put it back into exactly the right place again. I laughed at him, poor soul. Dan got up and grabbed me a glass as I pulled the orange juice out of the fridge.
"You seem to be suffering a bit this morning," I said.
He pulled a miserable face and then tried to smile. "It’s only a hangover, it won’t kill me. I’ve had much worse, anyway. Any news from your siren?"
I shrugged. "She won't be in touch too soon. We hurt her pride. They hate that. They're incredibly precious."
Alex appeared behind me. "You have a siren?"
"Eh, Ryan and I bumped into one last night. I gave her my number."
"Aahh, I see."
I glanced back to see Ryan looking a bit sheepish, but Alex didn't notice, he was too busy stealing my orange juice.
I glared at him. "Hey!"
He flashed me a grin and walked off.
Dan poured me a fresh one. "What's the plan for today?"
"Right now, it's tracking down an extra-large, meat-heavy breakfast."
Nik shouted over, "That sounds incredible!"
Ryan said, far more quietly, "I'm in."
He proceeded to glare at Nik for daring produce so much noise. I looked around at them.
"I love how you seem to believe this is a democracy..."
I smiled at them. They weren't such bad cubs.
** **
We descended on the little café. The boys were deep in a discussion about different gearboxes and engines. I'd given my views and left them to it. The quaint little place had a dark wood counter with pale pink-and-black-clad waitresses and divine-looking cakes in a glass display at the front. The fresh coffee aroma filled the place. There were even little vases with fresh daisies on each table. We tucked ourselves up a corner so that we could see everything that came and went. The round mahogany table was a bit of a squeeze for all five of us, but we managed. The boys shuffled the old chairs with lavender coloured cushions around to have their backs to some of the room so that Alex and I could take the seats with our backs to the wall. The waitress tried to hold back a friendly laugh as she brought us the menus. We weren't exactly their usual clientele.
Coffee was ordered with copious amounts of food, including the delicious cakes for dessert. They were far too good to pass up. We kept things light and normal. There didn't appear to be any non-humans in the café, and it wasn't exactly a good idea to discuss such things in public. The topic shifted over to movies, and I was completely lost. I had no idea who or what they were talking about, as I hadn't watched a movie in a very long time. A pang of sadness hit me and swelled in my chest as I listened to their animated discussion about who was the best superhero and why. I shook it off. I'd made my decisions and freedom was worth far more than the idle comfort of movies. I’d chosen to spend my time dealing with the traders rather than watching movies; it wasn’t something I regretted.
The waitress brought over our selection of cakes, which caused a small war to break out between Ryan and Dan. They couldn't decide who got the lemon drizzle cake versus the coffee and walnut cake. I leaned over and swatted them both. I wanted to bang their heads together.
I hissed, "You're supposed to be grown men! Bloody well have half each and get on with it!"
They both lowered their eyes and apologised. Alex and Nik tried to hold back their laughter. I had to laugh. The mood was buoyant and good-humoured, and everyone was happy and bouncing back off each other until he walked in. Alex immediately spotted him and grew tense. I, however, grinned. Lee's green eyes shone as he walked over to us with that feline grace. His black jeans fitted him just so and the slim-fit, slate-grey shirt looked divine on him. I licked my lips and tried behave myself and control my thoughts. He pulled up a chair and sat between Dan and me. Alex glared at him almost openly baring his teeth.
I ignored him and welcomed Lee as he placed his hand on my knee. "This is Lee; Lee, this is Ryan, Dan, and Nik. I'm sure you're aware who they are."
Alex gritted his teeth and edged a little closer to me. "What brings you here, Lee?"
His voice was deeper than usual, carrying the tones of a growl with it and the icy touch of a threat.
Lee pursed his lips and sighed softly. "I have bad news."
Everyone focused on him entirely. "Another has been found murdered."
No one dared say a word for a moment that seemed to stretch into eternity. I growled under my breath. We had been moving too slowly. It was entirely my fault. I knew I should have focused properly from the start. Her death sat on my head.
Alex looked him straight in the eye and leaned forwards. "And how did you find out before everyone else?"
Lee curled his lip. "I have connections, just as you do."
"You were involved in it. You're always involved."
Lee's expression darkened and he leaned forwards towards Alex. The boys began fidgeting, as they didn't know quite what to do with themselves. "I was not involved. I came here to help you, to help Thalia."
Alex went to grab Lee's throat but remembered where he was and restrained himself. "Your idea of help is not welcome."
Lee leaned back and crossed his arms. "It's always good to know where I stand."
"You stand far away from this pack. You're nothing but poison."
I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I couldn't snap and snarl at them as I wanted, due to being in a nice, quiet, human café.
I settled on a, "Leave this in the past. Shut up and don't draw attention."
Being the stubborn, aggressive, territorial males they were, they ignored me.
"I have helped both you and Thalia multiple times. I was there when she was at her weakest, I helped rebuild her after you broke her."
Alex dug his fingers down into the edge of the t
able and gritted his teeth. "You dragged her to the dark side. You poisoned her and turned her from what she really is. You almost destroyed her!"
"Fuck off. Both of you. Where the fuck do you think you get off talking about me as though I am nothing more than a mindless beast!? I was there. I made my own fucking decisions. You're both pathetic assholes. Get the fuck out of my way and don't come near me again. I am done with your shit."
I wrapped my hand around the back of each of their necks and sank my claws in. I glared at each of them in turn as I hardened my grip until they both relented. I tried to unclench my jaw and unshifted my claws as I let go of them before standing and walking out as calmly as I could muster.
How dare they talk about me like I was some worthless little child who couldn't form a sensible thought, let alone make a decision? Right in front of me and the cubs, no less! I cursed and swore under my breath as I stomped around the city with no real attention paid to where I was going.
I slumped down on a well-worn wooden bench next to a small road. Small, brightly coloured flowers grew amidst the rough grass, which was entirely unkempt. It had an interesting wildness to it. It defied the grey city around it, and I had to admire that. The rage was beginning to subside, and thoughts slowly crept back into my mind. I needed to stop the murders. If I hadn't have screwed around for as long as I did, she could still have been alive. I sighed. Wyrd Bound was far more than a label. It was my life, it was what I had been created for. Yet I couldn’t help feeling that I kept failing. I screwed up. I was too weak, too unfocused, and I just didn’t give enough of a shit about sirens.
The raven hopped forward, and I began to wonder about shinies. It had always calmed and soothed me in the past, the thrill of walking away with pretty things that I shouldn't own. I pursed my lips and looked around me, wondering if there was a potential place to wander around. I knew it was probably reckless, foolish, and moronic, but I didn’t care. I needed something to calm and settle my mind, otherwise I would crumble and try to run away again. I wasn’t ready for everything they were throwing at me. There was a tall, glass building not too far away. The trees tried to hide it from view, but they didn't quite succeed. I stood up and walked towards it.
The buildings around me were all short and slightly scruffy, with scraggly scrubs trying to eke out a living around them and peeling paint around battered doors. They became cleaner and better kept as I walked. The old grey bricks gave way to newer red and cream bricks, taller buildings, and well-kept flowerbeds. The dim grey roofs gave way to bright, new red ones with fresh tarmac parking spaces that sported crisp white lines. The large glass building had curves that mimicked careful brush-strokes; they softly bent and twisted, taking the viewer's eye with them. I tilted my head and looked properly. It appeared to be a new shopping mall, what luck.
I wandered in and allowed the raven to guide me. The soft, pale-yellow lights added a comforting feel to the pastel-blue marble floors with the heavy pillars along either side of the main walkway. The shops were all framed by elegant, thin black lines. It was a work of art. The shinies whispered to me, begged me to free them. I realised I didn't have my nice large bag on me, which meant I was limited in my choices, but that didn't stop me. I found myself in a small art shop. Muted paintings hung on the wall surveying their potential new owners with clear disdain. No colour dared mark them or touch the heavy, pastel-shaded brushstrokes intermingled with varying shades of grey. They were pretentious, soulless. Thin black or silver frames carefully gave them a border, a distinction between them and the white wall behind. They were of no interest to me. I enjoyed things that sang to me, that had a vibrance and life of their own.
The staff held their noses slightly in the air and assessed everyone who dared walk in. Of course they didn't approve of me, but they were too occupied by someone in an elegant suit. Their voices were full of false happiness as they showered the potential buyer with sickly sweet compliments and made cutting remarks about those who didn’t appreciate such wonders. I ran my fingertips over the edges of the prints that sat forlornly in pale wooden boxes on the ground. They weren't the stars of the show. They deserved a good home. I stopped and couldn't take my eyes off one in particular. It was standard printer-paper size, and it called to me. The dark sweeping strokes of the paintbrush glided across the left side of the canvas, casting shadows and hiding secrets while a bright red slash cut down the left side in open defiance. I needed it.
I had it.
19
"I don't know what you thought you were playing at, Alexei, but I swear to all above and below that if you ever so much as think about pulling that shit again I will rip your balls off and shove them down your throat. Do you fucking understand?"
He nodded and kept his eyes low before quietly saying, "I'm sorry."
"Too fucking right you're sorry! What happened or even what is now between Lee and me is none of your fucking business! You fucked this up. You abandoned me. You shut down and refused to talk to me. You. You fucking left me. If anyone fucking broke me, it was YOU! Are you seeing a theme here?"
He nodded again, a couple of tears started rolling down his cheeks. The tears hung onto his strong jawline, mingled with the short, dark stubble before they dropped, landing on his hands which were clasped in his lap. I sighed and dropped down onto the bed next to him. Footsteps could be heard outside the door and hushed voices as the cubs backed away and returned to whatever they were up to before that.
He looked at me. His ice blue eyes shone from the tears. "I'm sorry. Please, know that."
I growled, but I couldn't deny him. I couldn't stop myself from feeling the agonising pain writhing within him, from seeing it etched on his face. My head was spinning and swirling. The small print, my latest precious shiny, sat proudly on my bedside table. I looked to it for comfort, for some sense of what to do. With a heavy sigh I rested my head on his knee and allowed it to all spill out. I hated him, I loved him, I didn't want anything to do with him, but by the Sisters I needed him. I closed my eyes and tried to make some sense of the thoughts crashing around in my head. The jaguar wanted to continue screaming at him, to bite and claw him. The raven just wanted peace with the print, and the wolf wanted to track down the siren killer. I couldn't stop blaming myself for her murder.
I said, quietly, "If I hadn't have fucked around, if I'd have pushed harder and tried to get more contacts, that siren could still be alive right now."
He rested his hand on my hair. "That's not true and you know it."
I sighed, "Do I? Do I really?"
I didn't want to take comfort in his touch, but I needed the support, I needed the contact with someone. It had been so long since I'd had any sort of bond.
I looked up at him. "Why did you do it? Why did you abandon me?"
He looked away and said, “You didn't need me."
"That was it? You felt like I didn't need you...?"
He sighed and brushed his thumb over my hair. "I... You had everything, you led the pack, you... you just didn't need me. I felt like I was hindering you and holding the pack back. It seemed like it would hurt us both less if I slipped away rather than waiting for the big heartbreak."
I tried to comprehend what he had said. The flashes of ancient memories slipped forward, the pain at feeling him gone. The feeling of betrayal. "Why didn't you say something at the time?"
He shook his head slowly. "I don't know. I've thought about it, I just... I don't know. It felt like I had no choice. It felt like it was what needed to be done. For you, for the pack."
I cursed the Sisters. They had to have been involved in it. The pain. The darkness. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. There would be time to rip out their throats. In that moment, I needed sleep and calm.
I shifted my jaguar tail and nestled down next to him, resting my head on his knee as I tucked my hands under it and wrapped my tail around me. The room started to blur and swim as the tears flowed freely. Years of heartache, anguish, darkness, and pain surged forward. F
lashes of the past flew before my mind’s eye, tormenting me all over again. I couldn't force it back into the neat little box in the back of my mind. I had no choice but to confront it. Alex's hand remained on my head. He softly brushed his thumb over my hair as we faced all that we had done and lost. All that had happened, thanks to them.
** **
After what felt like an eternity, I uncurled and sat up. I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't make everything magically turn into some blissful state, there was far too much still between us, but at least I understood. I kept my eyes lowered and the spark of happiness refused to creep out from the sanctuary within my ribcage. I didn't know if understanding made it better or worse. The betrayal seemed darker, heavier for having such a flimsy reason. He slowly lifted his hand and placed it on my cheek. He barely dared look at me, no doubt for fear of more screaming or perhaps biting. I leaned into his touch for a moment before I stood and pulled myself together. I concluded that the best option in that situation was to push forwards. Stop the siren killer. Stop further murders and quietly plot my revenge on the bitches who did all of this to me. I glanced back at him, the poor wretched soul that sat slouched on the bed. He was once so proud, a beautiful creature that commanded any room he stepped into. Maybe one day we would both return to our full glory, and even our place at each other's side.
I ran my fingertips over the pink lines on his neck, where I had marked him in my rage. I allowed the cool energies to trickle out over them and watched as they healed, removing the mark, and in some part, the memory. He leaned forwards just a touch and brushed his lips over my inner wrist. I flinched and pulled back without any thought. It was too much, it was too soon. I turned away as he sat up a little taller and collected himself.
"What did Lee say after I left?"
The quiet grinding noise from him clenching and gritting his teeth gave away so much. After a moment he let out a long breath and said, "She was found two blocks away from the other siren. Her neck was broken, but otherwise she was completely untouched. Her vocal chords were intact. There was no assault, outside of her actual murder, of course."
