“What’s changed since then to make you think otherwise?”
I shrugged. “I’m not positive anything has. But she didn’t go to work at my mom’s store today, and she didn’t call. That’s not like her. I can’t help but think I did something that upset her or embarrassed her.”
He offered a sympathetic smile. “Such as misread her feelings? Maybe she picked up on your expectations.”
“And now I’ve scared her off and might never have a chance.”
He folded his arms across his chest and stared at the ground for a second before turning his head to look at me. “Since you can’t possibly know what she’s thinking about yesterday, let’s talk about what we know to be true. Your feelings for her. What is it about this woman that draws you to her?”
That was easy. Corrie was funny, witty, smart, sensitive, wise. Her blue eyes revealed every emotion, and I responded accordingly. If she smiled, I did too. If she cried, I wanted to hold her. I hadn’t seen her angry—not with me—and I could imagine if she ever turned her anger in my direction, I’d want to die.
I didn’t want to be a sap, though, so I took a minute to think about the right words. Finally, I gave a lift of my shoulders. “At the risk of sounding like a lovesick fool, pretty much everything about her draws me. Her looks, of course. She’s got a perfect face and pretty eyes. She’s pretty much the whole package, if you know what I mean.”
“I can guess.” He humored me with a wry smile. “Anything else?”
I nodded, and the words came pouring out. “I want to protect her and make her feel safe. I want to know every detail of her life, even what she’s thinking, which I know doesn’t make me sound very manly.”
A chuckle came from deep in his chest. “It makes you sound like a lovesick fool.” He grinned.
I didn’t stop the return grin I felt stretching my lips.
“How are your feelings about her different than what you’ve felt before?” he asked.
The question struck me, and the first thing that came to my mind was Ava’s face. We were only friends until she decided I would be her boyfriend. Wearing a tight cheerleading uniform and an encouraging smile, she didn’t have to do any more than crook her finger and I came running. “I’ve had one serious relationship and almost got married. I think what’s different is that then I felt like prey drawn into a web. With Corrie, I don’t feel manipulated. She’s not trying to seduce me. Does that make sense?”
“She sounds like a great catch.”
“She is. Or would be if she were available.”
His eyes narrowed. “She’s dating someone else?”
“No.” I felt a little foolish even bringing it up, but I’d already opened the door. “It’s still Jarrod.”
“So you’re competing with a dead man.”
In so many ways, I’d always competed with Jarrod, so I didn’t deny the truth of his words. “You’d think the cousinly rivalry would have ended when he died, but I find myself feeling more resentment toward him now than I have in years.”
Though I fought against revealing my discussion with Ava, I found myself opening up and telling Terry what she said to me that morning.
“I don’t know why I let her get to me like that.”
“Maybe because there’s an element of truth to what she had to say?”
“That I want to be Jarrod?”
“Do you?”
I reflected on the question, though my first instinct was to dismiss the accusation. But I’d learned a long time ago to do an inward check of my motives. I wished I could say I didn’t, but I wasn’t sure. “Everything came easy to him. Accolades, hero worship, sports, girls. When he took credit for saving me instead of telling the truth about being responsible for the accident in the first place, something inside me started brewing against him. I could handle his accomplishments in the things he did for real. I accepted that to everyone except my grandpa, parents, and Ava, Jarrod was people’s first choice. But that day something changed inside me.”
“Then why didn’t you tell anyone the truth?”
“I don’t know. I suppose because I loved him like a brother. We grew up together, and it was natural for me to let him have the last say. He just always got what he wanted. I didn’t want to drive a wedge between us. But things were never the same for us after that.”
“But in essence, your silence still caused a wedge.”
“I guess so. Pretty much.”
“And now you’ve fallen for someone who loves him, even when he’s not here to love her back. So it’s pretty much a double whammy.”
His words twisted like a steel knife inside me.
“Sometimes I get the feeling she’s afraid that if she accepts her feelings for me, she’s betraying his memory.”
“That’s pretty common.”
I nodded. It had only been seven months since his death. I got that.
He turned toward me, leaning his hip against the truck. “So I guess the real question then is, are you willing to wait until she has healed from the loss?”
The scripture “love is patient” flashed into my mind. “I think I am.”
“Settle that in your heart if you believe she’s the one for you.” He peered more closely, as though studying me. “The next important question has to do with you personally. It has less to do with her.”
I frowned. “What’s that?”
“Can you relinquish your bitterness toward Jarrod? Because until you do, not only will you always compare yourself to him and find yourself coming up short, but you’ll also never be able to truly believe the woman you love—should you be so lucky as to win her heart—hasn’t chosen you by default.”
He was right. As we continued to work side by side, I reflected on the things he’d said. Somehow, the feelings of insecurity that had been festering all these years had come to a head in recent weeks. But Ava was wrong. I realized that now. I didn’t want to be Jarrod. I wanted someone to think I was better than Jarrod.
Put simply, he hadn’t seen that painting was important to Corrie. He’d allowed her to give it up to be his wife. My face burned as I realized my motives in going overboard for her birthday were for me. Not Corrie. So she would see that even though she gave that up for him, I was giving it back to her. I was the better man. Choose me.
I had only presumed that she’d sacrificed by not indulging in her art over the past seven years. I’d just assumed that because everyone seemed to cater to Jarrod, she must have too.
The weight of my own arrogance pressed down on me until I felt ready to break.
Corrie
Even though I hadn’t slept well the previous night, I awoke before the sun rose on the home Jarrod had given me. I shoved off the covers and sat up. I had to admit I was getting pretty tired of sleeping on the couch, but it was better than the thought of sleeping in the bed without Jarrod—flesh-and-blood Jarrod.
I stretched as I stood up. Drawn to my art room, I climbed the steps, treading lightly so as not to disturb Lola. I opened the door and went to the stool. I didn’t come up here at all yesterday, but as I stared at my painting of Jarrod’s violent death, I was once again overcome with the emotions of that night. Just sitting in the room with that painting, I was more convinced than ever that Aunt Trudy would be able to help me hear what he was trying to say. I shoved aside the tightness in my stomach. Shoved aside everything Sam had said to me. I wanted to believe it was Jarrod. I needed to believe.
My gaze fell on the painting I’d bought in town on my birthday, still covered in brown paper. I went to the corner, sat down, and peeled away the paper. I looked at my house, and my eyes shifted immediately to the attic window.
Something didn’t feel quite right, and I couldn’t put my finger on whether it was the artist’s technique or the darkness of the entity that I was so sure was Jarrod. I’m not sure how long I sat there, staring at the painting, but as the light began to come in from the east window, I rose, gathered up the painting, and started downstairs.
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I leaned the canvas against a wall in the living room and went to make coffee. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that I had been upstairs for two hours. It had seemed like no more than twenty minutes.
After starting a pot of coffee, I ran back upstairs and walked into my bedroom. Though I hadn’t slept in my bed yet, I kept my clothes in there. I pulled out jeans and a short-sleeved top and tossed them on the bed, then gathered the rest of the things I’d need to get ready for what lay ahead in a couple of hours. In the midst of it all, Eli’s face came to mind, and I was struck by the beauty of my new floor. He had taken the time to stain the wood and add a layer of sheen.
I wanted to call him and explain about yesterday, but I held back. What if Sam had told him about Jarrod showing up? He would most certainly believe it wasn’t my husband, just as Sam did. I didn’t want to give him the chance to scold me.
Lola had risen and padded down to the kitchen in her socks by the time I finished getting ready. She stood by the counter, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Thanks for making this,” she said. “Want some?”
I nodded and dropped to a chair.
“Are the guys going to be working on the porch today?”
I cringed inside. Why hadn’t I thought to ask them not to come? “I guess I can’t ask them to take off work and miss out on income for this. Hopefully it won’t get too weird.” And they’d never suspect anything.
“Want me to call Joe and tell him to wait a couple of hours?”
“What excuse will you give him?” I knew Lola’s feelings for Joe were growing, and I hated for her to lie on my account.
“That you’re going to have company.”
She set a cup in front of me and shoved the sugar bowl and a spoon next to it.
“My phone’s upstairs in my room,” she said. “I’ll go call him and be right back.”
I stared out the window to where the porch was half-bricked. I missed my morning time in my swing, but I was the one who had thought a brick porch would look nice with the farmhouse, so I had to suck it up and be patient.
Lola was back in ten minutes. She grabbed another cup of coffee and sat, leveling her gaze at me. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Drink coffee?” I knew what she was asking and intentionally evaded the question.
A scowl twisted her face. “Funny.”
I spooned an inordinate amount of sugar into my cup and stirred. “I’m sure, Lola. What did Joe say?”
She gave a little wave. “He said it’s fine. He’ll come after lunch. Whatever. Are you a little scared? I mean, considering how we were raised?”
I sipped my ultrasweet coffee and tried to pretend a confidence I was fast losing.
At eight fifteen, a knock at the back door interrupted a light breakfast of bagels and strawberries. “Are they forty-five minutes early?” Lola asked.
“Beats me.” I glanced out the window. Sam’s car was parked in my gravel drive. My stomach dropped. Guilt hit me as I hurried down the hallway to the back door, though I wasn’t sure why it mattered to me what anyone thought about what I was about to do.
“I’m sorry to stop by so early,” she said.
“Don’t be. Come in. Is everything okay?” My voice sounded phony, and I cringed as I pushed open the door.
She shook her head. “I can’t stay. They’re bringing my new air conditioner today.”
For the first time I realized she had something in her hand. “I don’t know if you have one of these,” she said, handing me a Bible. “But everything I said yesterday is written in here. I marked some scriptures for you.”
I took the Bible. It felt heavy in my hands, and I was reminded of the unfamiliar feeling I had experienced when I picked up my first paintbrush in almost eight years the other night. “I had a Bible when I was a kid, but I haven’t really been to church since I was a teenager.”
“This one belonged to my husband,” she said, her eyes suddenly soft and misty. “You’ll find notes of his written on the edges of some of the pages.” She smiled. “I consider them little nuggets of wisdom and truth.”
I still couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything that had been Jarrod’s, so I could only imagine what something as special as this had cost her.
“I don’t know what to say,” I said. I held it out to her. “But I can’t take this from you. It must be special.”
She shook her head. “It’s only special when the words inside are read and taken to heart. I want you to have it, and he would have as well.”
I could see she wasn’t going to be deterred, so I held the book and smiled. I wanted to ask her if she would like coffee, but Aunt Trudy and her team would arrive in forty minutes, and I didn’t want to chance her still being here.
“Well,” she said. “I best go.”
“Thank you for this,” I said.
“You’re welcome, Corrie. Just read it, and let Jesus reveal Himself to you. He wants you to know Him as well as He knows you.”
“I will. I promise.” And I found that I meant it.
She turned to go but hesitated and turned back, concern on her face. “I know Aunt Trudy is bringing Ava and Tonia Lancaster here for a reading today.”
I hadn’t known Ava had been invited, but it didn’t surprise me as much as the fact that Sam knew I had asked them to come. I dropped my gaze, unable to meet hers. “Yes. I want to know what he has to say.”
“I can’t tell you how to live your life, hon, but remember that if you’re afraid or if something doesn’t feel right, you only have to say one name.”
“I’ll remember.”
I walked with her to the back door and waited for her to get down the steep deck steps and disappear around the side of the house before I closed the door. I turned to go back in the kitchen and stopped short. The painting wasn’t there. I went back to the kitchen, frowning.
Lola whistled. “That was intense.”
“Yeah.” I sat back down in my chair and took a sip of my coffee. “Hey, why’d you move my painting? I was going to put it up today.”
“What do you mean?”
“The one I bought in town? I unwrapped it when I was in the studio this morning. I left it in the living room.”
“I haven’t seen it. Are you sure you brought it down?”
“Yes, Lola.”
“Well, sor-ry.”
We were both on edge over what was coming, so I didn’t hold her snarky response against her.
We had finished eating and cleaning up our mess by the time we heard a knock.
My stomach knotted, and Lola and I exchanged a glance. She stepped closer to me. “Last chance,” she said. “We can tell them thanks but no thanks.”
“I’m going through with it, Lola,” I said, bolstered by renewed irritation at my nervous sister. I opened the back door. The three women stood on the deck. Aunt Trudy held a huge bag and smiled her toothless grin.
I opened the door wider. “Good morning,” I said. “Come in.” My voice sounded stronger than I felt. For that I was grateful.
They stepped into the mud room. Ava smiled tentatively. “Do you mind that I tagged along?”
“If it’s okay with Aunt Trudy, it’s okay with me.”
“Well, I’m not much of a medium. I’m mostly here for moral support.” She turned to the other woman, whom I assumed must be Mrs. Lancaster. “Mom, you haven’t met Corrie yet, have you?”
The woman smiled at me and extended her hand. As I took it, I couldn’t help but note the resemblance between her and Ava. Even with graying hair and a few wrinkles here and there, it would be hard to deny that she was beautiful. “Call me Tonia,” she said in a warm tone. “I’m so glad to finally meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you too. Thank you for coming.”
“Of course.”
I was a little surprised that Aunt Trudy had recruited Mrs. Lancaster. I knew they weren’t exactly friends.
As if reading my mind, she inclined her head towar
d the other woman. “She has a gift for sensing the nature of a spirit.”
Lola stepped out of the kitchen as we walked down the hall. “Nice to see you again, Miss Trudy.”
“You can only stay if you don’t bring negative energy,” Aunt Trudy answered, her tone abrupt as she dispensed with niceties.
“I’m not leaving.” Lola’s tone was firm, and I knew better than to get in the middle of the power struggle.
“Then make sure you clear your mind of negativity and open up to the spirits, or we may as well go home.”
She shrugged. “I’m an open book.”
I rolled my eyes and was this close to kicking her out to preempt any disruption to Aunt Trudy’s juju, but I needed her there.
“She’s staying, Aunt Trudy.”
She shrugged. “Have it your way.”
“Okay, then. How do we do this?” I asked.
“You stay here for now,” she said. “Tonia and I will go into each room separately and try to see where the energy is the strongest. When we are finished, we’ll discuss which room is the most active, and that’s where we’ll hold vigil.”
“Vigil?”
“She means something like a séance,” Ava said.
“Thank you, Ava,” Aunt Trudy snapped. “I can speak for myself.”
Ava averted her gaze. “Sorry.”
“Should I lead you to the upstairs rooms?” I asked.
Aunt Trudy scowled at me. “Where do you think I grew up?”
My face warmed. “I forgot.”
“I’m going to open myself to the spirits now and start my walk-through. Tonia?”
Tonia nodded.
They closed their eyes, and each breathed in deeply. A sense of unease swept through me.
What was I letting myself in for?
The walk-through took close to twenty minutes. Lola, Ava, and I remained in the living room while the two mediums did their thing. Lola seemed to have relaxed a bit. I thought maybe she hoped they wouldn’t sense anything at all and we’d be off scot-free.
Instead, Mrs. Lancaster came down alone. “Trudy says you should come to the master bedroom. That’s where the energy is the strongest.”
The Widow of Saunders Creek Page 20
