by Sara Crest
“Hahaha! Whooooo!” Johnny cried out with his fist in the air as we sped down the road.
I couldn’t help but feel some semblance of pride for him, even with everything that happened and all the danger we had experienced he found a way to get us to Alaska nearly unscathed. Johnny was the kind of man who could do anything he put his mind to, just one of the reasons why I knew it’d be hard to let him go.
Johnny pulled over to catch his breath, looking behind us to make sure we weren’t followed.
“So, where do we go from here?” I asked. The adrenalin from the ride had made me a little perkier but I could have fallen asleep on the side of the road I was so tired.
Johnny took out the piece of paper Chuck had given to me, revealing a small map. “Well according to Chuck’s scribbles we should only be about 40 minutes from his hideout, we can sleep there and then head to where the Raider leaders are in the morning. Think you can handle 40 minutes of riding?”
“Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice” I said with my eyes shut tight.
The last thing I remember was Johnny responding but I couldn’t make out what he said, I had fallen asleep on the bike. I don’t know how Johnny was able to ride with me on the back fast asleep without me falling off but I assume that since he knew I was asleep he was more careful.
My dream was vivid, I dreamt of Johnny and I on a warm white sand beach. He was walking around shirtless, displaying his gang tattoos completely unworried over whether or not someone would confront him over his affiliation. I was laying on the warm sand and the hot sun was beating down on me. I dreamt Johnny lay next to me and gave me a long kiss, running his hand through my sand filled hair. I felt the water reach my toes as the tide went in and out, every time inching closer and closer up my body. I could feel the water getting deeper around us but I was too drawn to his lips to care.
I dreamt that the sea began to cover my body, the water reached up to my eyes. I felt Johnny’s lips leave mine and his whole being vanish. I was left there alone, petrified in the water and destined to drown. The once warm water turned ice cold and the feeling of helplessness washed over me. I felt the water rise quickly and cover my whole body before I could hold me breath, I began to panic but I couldn’t move and I could feel the tide trying to pull me in.
Despite the strength of the tide, despite the will of the ocean and despite the failure of my strength I felt two hands underneath me. Two strong hands on the underside of my back and my legs that held me strong against the current. I felt myself slowly come to the surface and my cold body become warmer again.
I suddenly woke from my dream, finding myself in Johnny’s arms as he was carrying me into the woods. I looked into his face as he looked on ahead and he was smiling. A soft green and blue light flashed dimly around us but I couldn’t make out what it was. I turned my head and saw the dark outline of a cabin that looked no older than a few years, it seemed virtually unused.
While still holding me Johnny reached into his pocket and pulled out the motorcycle key, he pushed it into the lock of the cabin door and to our luck it swung open. I felt myself begin to drift back off into sleep, unable to force myself to stay awake once Johnny carried me inside.
Exhausted, I fell back asleep in his arms.
4
When I woke up it was still dark. I was in a warm and soft bed with blankets made from fur. I turned over and saw Johnny leaning against the windowsill and staring out to the midnight forest, light flashes of green and blue shone through the window occasionally graced and illuminated his face.
It was all coming to an end, in a few hours I would have to cement my choice and choose to leave him. I thought about how much I had wanted him, how strong he made me feel, how we could have had it all but… in the end he was a man of ambition and I would become nothing more than an afterthought in his life if I stayed.
I looked at him as he continued to stare out of the window. The hardest part about this whole trip was pushing him away, was holding my emotions back because I knew that him and I just didn’t have the same goals. Still, I loved him, even after wanting to be far away from him the past couple of days, even after wanting to go back home, and even after I nearly took his bike I wanted nothing more than to be with him. He had sunk his fingers deep into me and I didn’t know if I could ever truly let him go. Even if we separated physically he’d always be with me in some way.
I slid off of the bed, careful with my steps since only a small amount of light was coming from the window and I couldn’t see where I was going.
I slowly walked to Johnny, making soft steps to not disturb him. As I walked closer I had a better view outside through the window and was able to finally see the source of the light.
I couldn’t believe that I didn’t realize, it was the northern lights, aurora borealis. They were dancing around in the sky and illuminating the entire forest with their magnificence. Johnny turned to me, smiling softly without saying a word as the lights shone against his face. The green of the northern lights reflected off his pupils and brought out the green in his eyes.
Everything felt like how I always imagine it to be, almost enchanting in a way. I looked at Johnny and felt the same warmth I had felt for him before. I knew that things would be different in the morning, but I just wanted to feel his love one last time, to have one final memory that I could always love and cherish before I let him go and we parted ways.
I slowly approached him, placing both of my hands on his chest and looking up at him as the northern lights shone through the window and danced on our faces. He ran his hands up and down my hips to the small of my back, I had almost forgotten how big his hands were they nearly wrapped all the way around my waist.
He brought me in closer and our lips hovered just inches away from each other. I could feel his warm breath on my mouth as my lips quivered ready for his touch.
“Just one last time” I thought “one more to remember him by, forever.”
We both leaned forward and kissed, our lips interlocking and our eyes closed tight, embracing each other’s tender lips.
He ran his hands down my back to the underside of my legs, pulling me up off the ground so that our eyes were level with each other. I wrapped my legs around his waist and we stared deeply into each other’s eyes. When I stared into them I almost believed that everything would be alright, that we would get to be together. Before my mind could wander elsewhere and think about the reality of our situation he leaned in and kissed me again. Even with my eyes closed I could see the flashes of blue and green as our lips rubbed against each other.
“I’ll prove to you that I love you, you’ll see” he whispered to me before kissing me again. I knew that it couldn’t really mean anything but for now I just wanted to embrace him. I ran my fingers under his shirt from his abs to his chest, digging them into his hard yet soft muscles. His fingers dug into the sides of my back as our kiss escalated in passion.
He began walking me over to the bed, making sure not the break our kiss with each careful step he took. He laid me out on the bed, letting me down softly on the warm furs. He leaned down and kissed me again while I lay on the bed, he slowly unbuckled his pants and allowed them to fall on the floor. The outline of his body flashed in the dark with each passing wave of aurora borealis shining through our window.
He laid down on top of me, kissing me deeply as I ran my hand down his toned body until I felt his manhood standing hard between his legs. The heat from his chest warmed me as I rubbed the tip of his girth against my opening.
He slowly began to slide himself into me, I let out a soft moan as I felt him push his way into me inch by inch. I could feel my breaths becoming heavier and deeper as I embraced him for the last time.
I expected him to start selfishly thrust into me but to my surprise he took it slow, inching his way in and out of me with long and deliberate thrusts that sent chills throughout my body. He looked at me deep in the eyes as he did it, our mouths agape as we enjoyed the pleasure
we gave to one another.
I swore that with every deep thrust he made the room lit up with the colors and light from the aurora borealis outside, almost as if we were one with our surroundings. I almost began to feel overwhelmed.
With the pleasure shooting throughout my body, the lights flashing through our window, and his deep eyes that I was getting lost in I was completely in heaven. I felt a connection with him that I wanted to hold onto forever and in that moment it felt like it would last forever. Every thrust seemed perfect, our every breath seemed in tune, as my hand wandered down his back it felt as if for a brief moment we were one and meant to be.
I don’t know how long we were in that position, him on top of me as we stared deep into each other’s eyes. His thrusts that were nothing but symbolic, our real pleasure came from our closeness, and our love felt as if it was enveloping us.
It was a moment that I wish lasted a lifetime, it was a moment that I once thought would last a lifetime. Worst of all, it would be a memory that would make it harder to let him go.
5
When I woke up the next morning it felt like I was coming up gasping for air, I was sweating all over and trying to catch my breath. Johnny walked in through the door completely naked and soaking wet.
Part of me wanted to look away but taking a look at his body completely wet was too tempting.
“Thought I was gonna have to wake you up for a little while there, we have a little time before we have to head out so if you want you can go take a bath in the stream nearby.”
I got up without responding to him, I hesitated getting up after the soreness from our long ride and our… late night session. “Oh who am I kidding” I thought “that was love making, pure love making… and I’ll never get to experience it with him again.”
I began walking to the door, as I passed Johnny he lightly grabbed onto my arm. “Everything alright?” he asked in a concerned tone. I looked up at him, again unable to admit to him my decision that was an inevitability at this point.
“No, everything is fine” I said smiling, god I was such a coward, no wonder I need him just to be able to push me along.
“If you want to head to the steam just make a right as soon as you leave the door and walk straight. It’s impossible to miss.”
I nodded and headed outdoors, completely naked. As soon as I stepped outside a gust of wind hit and sent shivers throughout my spine. Fall in Florida is warm but Fall is Alaska was far colder to anything I was used to. I began speed walking in the direction Johnny told me to go, it didn’t take long for me to hear and then find the stream that Johnny was talking about
I dipped my toe in, the water was cold but felt soothing on my dirty skin after riding for so long. I slowly lowered my legs in one at a time, the water went up to my thighs. I lowered my whole body into the water so that I was squatting down in the stream, the cold water effortlessly passed by my body as I sat there with just my head sticking out.
I began to get accustomed to the temperature to the point where I was actually able to relax, feeling the cool water soak into my skin and wash away the dirt.
“Well, this is it” I said to myself. “After today I might never see Johnny again.” I thought about how magical last night felt, how I’d never get to feel that sense of magic around him ever again. “Unless some rival gang comes in and wipes everyone out there’s no way Johnny won’t dedicate his life to the Raiders, hell he’d probably just rebuild it from the ground up if that did happen… not that I want it to happen that way.”
I picked up a stone from the bottom of the water and skipped it down the stream. “So my choice is stay with Johnny and be by his side as he takes on real responsibility of leadership, dashing my hopes of ever breaking free because I’d just go where he goes… or break away from him and desperately try and put my fears aside so I can live the life I want to.”
I thought about how far we had come together, about how just a few weeks ago I wasn’t too far away from the beaches of Florida and now I was bathing in a river in Alaska. In a way this was the kind of life I wanted to live, but definitely not under these circumstances.
I sighed “I guess I could always try and get another bartending job back in Florida, maybe save more money. Maybe work on my fears…”
I was hopeless, who was I to think that a small town girl like me could ever escape to a long life of adventure let alone do it all with a man like Johnny. “I just set myself up for failure and disappointment.”
I lowered my head into the water until I was submerged from the eyes down, exhaling into the water and letting the bubbles come up and get washed away. I heard some rocks move behind me and I began to turn, assuming it was Johnny.
I froze. Staring back at me on the shore of the river was a large gray wolf. I slowly reached down into the water and felt around for the biggest rock I could find, even if it would be a futile attempt trying to defend myself then at least I would know I died with some semblance of bravery. I found a large rock about the size of my fist, I gripped it tightly in my hand as I maintained eye contact with the beast that stood in front of me.
Suddenly two wolf pups burst from the bushes nearby, passing the gray wolf that stood in front of me and running off down the side of the stream.
The adult wolf slowly began to follow the pups, maintaining eye contact with me for a moment before taking off after its young.
I let go of the rock, shaking from fear at the thought of having to actually defend myself from that thing. I watched the wolves until they disappeared out of sight down the stream. I quickly stood up and wasted no time running out of the water, bolting back in the direction towards the cabin and shivering as the cold air hit my soaking wet body.
6
“Everything is set, we should make it there just as the club leaders are sitting down and starting their meeting.”
Johnny had been talking to me for a few minutes but almost everything he said was going in one ear and out there other, that was the only thing that stuck. I was still a little shaken up from my brief encounter with the wolf and it was making it hard to pay attention to anything. After drying my skin on one of the fur blankets in the cabin I was beginning to feel better, thankfully. I didn’t want to tell Johnny about what happened, didn’t want him to have any distractions when we were just moments away from finally being done with all of this.
“Yeah I’ll meet you outside” I replied, putting my clothes on over my still damp body. Johnny stepped outside and I took one final look around the cabin, taking a deep breath and smelling the wood scent that filled it. Almost wish I could have spent a few more days in here, it was peaceful.
I walked outside to see Johnny sitting on the bike, nervously running his fingers through his hair. It was a change from the normally confident man I was used to. I walked up and rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head to try and calm him a bit. “You’ll be fine I said” it pained me to say it, anything that pushed Johnny towards his destiny of leading this club pained me to say.
My anger towards Johnny wanting this role this badly has began to subside, I couldn’t blame him for wanting to live out the dream he’s had for years. Even then I’d rather not waste my last few minutes with him in anger.
I climbed on the back of the bike and gave Johnny a big hug, pinning my body against his and running my hands up and down his torso.
“Aren’t you touchy today” he chuckled.
I buried my face in his back, smelling his manly scent one last time. I was stuck in a limbo of trying to let him go sooner to ease the pain and wanting to enjoy every last moment with the man I loved so much.
The smell of his scent was quickly replaced by the fumes of the motorcycle exhaust. I sighed and lifted my face away from Johnny’s back, looking at him up and down as he sat there proudly on the bike of his destiny.
We sped through the woods and in no time we were back onto the road. The road was incredibly old and beat up, it looked as if it hadn’t been maintained in decades l
et alone years, seemed to me that the government didn’t even know this place existed. Everything in the area was unfamiliar to me, when we drove here I was fast asleep and the few minutes I was awake it was far too dark to see.
The road we were on turned from being paved to nothing but gravel. I held on tight to Johnny, fearing that the gravel was too loose to support us. “You sure you know where you’re going?” I shouted out, trying to make sure Johnny heard me over both the sound of the engine and the gravel underneath our tires.
“Look” Johnny replied pointing to some thick lines in the gravel. “Motorcycles have driven along here recently, we’re going the right way.”
Off in the distance I could see a ski resort style house at the end of the gravel as well as what looked like some motorcycles parked outside.
“No wonder they didn’t send me help when I needed it” Johnny said “they were too busy spending all the money on this goddamn house.”
We began to close in and notices two people standing outside the door keeping guard, my jaw dropped when I recognized one of them as Freddie, the man who Johnny had kicked out.
Johnny pulled up to the house, staring down Freddie as he stood in front of the door with a smug look on his face.
“Well look who it is, last person I expected to see up here was you and this broad.” He looked down at our bike, eyeing its detail. “If you weren’t driving Chuck’s bike I probably would have shot you before you made it this close, I thought you were Chuck to be honest.”
“What the hell are you doing up here Fred” Johnny said stepping off of the bike. His tone was clearly angry and agitated and caused the other guard to be more cautious.
“Well if you must know in exchange for me coming back to the Raiders the leaders offered me a chance to learn under them. Although I should be asking you what you’re doing up here.”
