Our Father Who Are Out There...Somewhere

by AJ Taft

  Mr Strange is kneeling on the floor in his office, his shirt sleeves rolled up, as he unpacks a stack of new textbooks from an oversized cardboard box. Lily fights the urge to offer to organise them on his shelves. Instead she holds her thumbs and tells him she wants to withdraw from the course. He offers little resistance, although he does offer to keep her place open for a year, in case she changes her mind. Lily thanks him, at the same time as knowing there’s no question she’ll come back to study politics there. She isn’t the same woman anymore.

  It’s dusk as she strolls back through the park, her favourite time of day, as the colours bleed into a single lilac haze. Lily remembers the countless drunken stumbles through the dark on her way home; the time she laughed so much she was sick through her nostrils; an occasion when Jo had chased off an old guy who’d had the misfortune to choose her to flash to. They’d laughed so much Lily had ended up wetting herself right there in the middle of the park.

  The house is empty and freezing cold. The front room curtains are still drawn and there’s a collection of beer cans on the coffee table. She spends five minutes trying to get the ignition on the gas fire to light before it finally throws out a steady blue flame. Lily keeps her coat on while she waits for heat to take some of the bite out of the air. Her bedroom is next door to the living room, across the corridor from Jo’s. As she opens her bedroom door she recoils from the smell. Empty bottles, cans, cigarette packets. There’s a plate of something that may once have been mashed potato. Heaps of black clothes lie on the floor, so dirty and damp that when she picks up her favourite black shirt she notices mould all around the collar.

  She switches on her electric bar fire, realising for the first time how dangerous the wires look, the flex badly frayed, and sits on the bed until the room starts to warm up. But as the warmth spread the smell seems to get worse, until at last she can stand it no longer. She finds a roll of black bin liners in the cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and sighs to herself as she begins scooping her possessions into them. She finds a handful of scrumpled lecture notes under her bed and stuffs them in there too.

  The carpet is just about visible again, when she hears the front door open and close and footsteps on the stairs. A voice calls out. Lily freezes, recognising the voice as belonging to one of the two chemistry students that live on the second floor. Moments later, there’s a knock on her bedroom door.

  “Hi.” The door opens and the one she thinks is called Joel appears in her doorway. “You’re back,” he says rather obviously.

  “Yeah.”

  He stands with his foot against the door, his puffed up anorak making him seem three times the size she remembers him. “I’m sorry, you know, about what happened. Your mum.”

  “Yeah. Thanks.” She waits for him to leave, but he doesn’t. She tries to encourage him on his way. “So, I’m just trying to clear this mess up.”

  “Do you want a hand?”

  “No, thanks.” Still he doesn’t leave. “So, I’d better get on.”

  “I didn’t know whether to ring you, but I didn’t have your number.”

  “Would have been difficult then,” says Lily, her tone unkind. She remembers how much time Jo and her had spent slagging these two off now. Talk about nerds.

  “It’s just, I really enjoyed, you know.”

  Lily doesn’t know but as he stares at her intently, a memory stirs and she feels the colour race to her cheeks. She squashes her memory back into its closed box. “Do you mind?” she almost spits at him. “I’ve said I’m really busy.”

  “Oh, right. I’m sorry. Maybe we could meet up later?”

  Lily walks over to the door and pushes it closed. “Maybe,” she says to his disappearing face. “Or maybe not,” she adds as she leans against the closed door. She pulls the privacy bolt across and wonders whether she’ll ever have the courage to leave the room again.

  She’s still sitting on the floor with her back against the door an hour later when there’s another knock. Lily feels her body tense. “Lil? S’me, Jo. Let me in.”

  The tension rushes from her body and Lily stands up and pulls back the bolt. “Jo, thank fuck.”

  “Wow, I hardly recognise the place. It’s looking great. Hurrah, you’re back.” Jo throws her arms around her friend’s shoulders. “And you’ve put on some meat. Double hurrah.”

  “Did I have sex with that scrawny geek from upstairs?”

  Jo giggles. “Don’t blame me. I told you not to.” She opens her canvas bag and pulls out her tobacco tin. “How was Christmas with ‘the family?’ I’ve missed you. Term started last Wednesday, but there was hardly anyone around. I’ve been covering for you.”

  “Jo, I’ve withdrawn from the course.”

  “Oh.” Jo plumps herself down on the bed. “What the fuck will I do without you? Hey, I just saw a sign in The Fenton. They’re looking for bar staff.”

  “I’m going to live with Fiona and my dad. We found a house.”

  “You’re going to live with your dad?” Jo couldn’t sound more horrified if Lily had said she was considering voting Tory. She doesn’t look at Lily, but instead opens the lid from her tin and takes out a packet of rizlas. She glues three together and Lily notices her fingers are shaking.

  “Soz.” Lily sits on the edge of the bed next to her. “You’re the one and only thing I’m gonna miss. But I feel like I’ve got this one chance; it’s now or never. I’ve got to find out what it’s like.”

  “What what’s like?”

  “You know,” says Lily looking at her fingernails. “Normal. Family.”

  “Normal? You want to be normal?” The disbelief in Jo’s voice is clear.

  “Well, I don’t mean, oh God, Jo, I don’t know.”

  “You won’t be able to smoke.”

  “Well, it’s probably not such a bad thing for me to cut down a bit. I’ve been smoking since I was eleven.”

  “What about me?” Jo looks at Lily for the first time and Lily sees the tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ll hate it here without you.”

  “Maybe I’ll just do it for a few months. I can keep my room on here. I’ll pay the rent.”

  “Yeah? Planning another kidnap?”

  “I don’t need to. I just found out. I inherited some money from my granddad. Can you fucking believe it? I’m a trust fund kid.”

  Jo tips her head against Lily’s shoulder and Lily puts her arm around Jo. “Don’t be sad, Jo. Please. I can’t bear it.”

  Jo does her best to smile though the tears are now running freely down her cheeks. “I’ll miss you so much. You’re sure you’re sure about this, Lil? I mean, your dad’s a bit-”

  “I know. He’ll probably drive me crazy in a few weeks and I’ll be back here looking for a job.”

  Jo leans her head against Lily’s shoulders again. “I just don’t think he deserves you, Lily,” she says.

  Lily jumps as another knock sounds on her bedroom door. “Oh no, it’s that fucking Joel again.”

  “Jo?” calls a voice.

  “’S alright,” says Jo. Her cheeks seem pinker than a moment ago as she pulls herself up off the bed and checks her reflection in the chipped mirror that’s attached to the chest of drawers. “It’s, er, it’s Andy.”

  “Andy, as in representative of the fascist state, Andy?” Lily smiles.

  “Yeah, so what?” says Jo as she reaches to open the door.

  Chapter 46

  Alice is sitting on the blue bench as the bus pulls in to Skipton bus station. Lily meant only to stay one night in Leeds but it turned into three. Deep circles underline her eyes and she’d almost fallen asleep on the bus. Alice hugs her. “Have you been eating? You look tired.”

  “I’m fine,” says Lily, a feeling like pleasure that someone notices her enough to know she looks tired. “Where’s the others?”

  “Your granddad’s gone to a meeting at the town hall. Something to do with the historical society. And David and Fiona are still at school.”

  Lily loo
ks up at the clock on the bus station wall. It’s only two o’clock. It feels later, maybe because she’s so tired. Alice links arms with her and they leave the bus station. “They got the keys to the new house yesterday. David’s talking about moving in next weekend.”

  “Cool. How’s Fiona?”

  “Ok. She’s going to Ruth’s for tea. They seem to be seeing a bit more of each other. Apparently Ruth’s finishing work earlier so they can spend some time together. A case of ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’ I think.”

  “So, Fiona’s not coming home after school?”

  “Well, in fairness, we didn’t know you were coming home today.”

  When they’re back at the house, Lily glances up at the kitchen clock. “I’m going to meet Fiona from school,” says Lily.

  Alice having pulled the rucksack from Lily’s back, is busy stuffing all her clothes into the washing machine. “I’ll just make it, if I run. Just to say hi, before she goes to her mum’s.”

  “Fine. Will you pick up a pint of milk on your way home?”

  Lily runs down the street. They live on the other side of Skipton now, and the walk to school takes over half an hour, so Fiona catches the bus most mornings. Lily arrives outside the gates as school-children are already pouring from the building. Lily’s pretty sure Ruth won’t be meeting Fiona at school, but all the same she tries not to draw any attention to herself. She stands against the wall, watching the students swarm by, but there’s no sign of Fiona. She waits until the last stragglers have left the playground and then runs to the bus stop three streets away. There are children from the school hanging around, chewing gum and clutching files, but Fiona is not among them.

  Lily climbs on the bus, remembering to pick up a pint of milk from the corner shop when she gets off.

  “How was she?”

  “Don’t know. I didn’t see her. The bell had gone by the time I got there. I must have missed her.”

  Upstairs she unpacks the rest of her worldly goods and spreads them on her single bed. Two photographs of her mother, a mirror and her small collection of books and LPs. And an envelope sandwiched between the pages of ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’, which contains a print out of a statement of her grandfather’s trust fund, totalling just over one hundred and thirty seven thousand pounds.

  She hears footsteps on the stairs and immediately folds the piece of paper back between the pages of the book. David knocks on her door and then opens it. “Hi, you’re back. We missed you. Did you have a good trip?”

  “Yes, thanks. I sorted out the house in Accrington, and withdrew from my course in Leeds.”

  “Well, we can talk about that later. There was an article in the Times Ed while you were away; the universities with the best graduate employment records. You know you could always resit your A levels. It’s never too late you know.”

  “I feel like I need to decide what I want to do first.”

  “Ok. Well, like I said, we can talk about it later. Did grandma tell you we got the keys for Fern Cottage? We can move in whenever we want.”

  “Cool.”

  “It won’t be like living in your student digs in Leeds, you do realise that, don’t you? I am your father and there will be rules. Not smoking indoors, for one.”

  “I’m cool with that. So long as you remember I’m nineteen and don’t expect me to be in by nine every night.”

  “Oh goodness no. I was thinking ten o’clock might be reasonable on a Saturday night.”

  Lily hits him with a T-shirt, catching him on his hip. “Come on,” he says, “Granny told me to tell you tea’s ready.”

  Try as she might to stay awake, Lily’s fast asleep by the time Fiona gets home, lulled to sleep by the smell of freshly ironed sheets and a stomach full of homemade rhubarb crumble.

  “Right,” says Lily, zipping up her holdall. “I’m done. I’ll see you there. You sure you don’t want me to ride the bike round?”

  “No, you go in the van and I’ll dawdle and then hopefully you’ll have unpacked it all by the time I get there.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Lily takes a last look around their bedroom. The two single beds have already been dismantled and are now in the van outside. Fiona’s belongings are still strewn around the floor.

  “Give us a hug, sis,” says Fiona. She holds onto Lily tightly.

  “It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages,” says Lily, a little taken aback by the ferocity of Fiona’s embrace. “Why don’t we get fish and chips and a video tonight? Celebrate our new house and catch up.”

  “I feel sad, leaving this place.” Fiona’s eyes look bright.

  “We’re only twenty minutes away, and we’ll still visit, you soft lump.”

  “I just feel like I’ve moved a lot these last few weeks. I’ve only ever lived at Newlands. And then in the last six weeks, I’ve been all over the place.”

  “Well, your mum’s not moving anywhere is she? You’ve still got your room there. You’ve spent three nights in it this week. How is your mum?”

  “She’s really changed. Well, actually I don’t know whether she’s changed or I’m just getting to know her better. Did you know she had a baby that died? Our brother. Now isn’t that weird? He died of cot death when he was only two months old.”

  Lily isn’t sure whether she should say that she already knows, so she starts fiddling with the zip on her hold all instead. Fiona sits on the floor surrounded by piles of clothes. “I think that’s why she starting working like she did. She said she felt she’d failed. That it was her fault, something she’d done or not done. Not as much was known about it then. I feel sorry for her. She didn’t exactly get great parenting tips from her parents.”

  David beeps the horn in the van outside. Lily looks through the curtains and sees David and Arthur sitting in the front seat. Her grandparents have both volunteered to help with the move. She waves at them. “Right, I’d better go.” She swings her bag over her shoulder, “I’ll see you round there in about half an hour.”

  “We’ve forgotten tea-bags,” says Alice as she opens the front door of their new house to them. Her long grey hair is tied back off her face and she’s dressed for the business of cleaning, in a blue nylon house-coat, that’s similar to something Aunt Edie would wear. “And the phone’s not connected. It’s so dusty in here, I’m gagging for a brew.”

  “I’ll go back and get some,” says Lily. “It’ll only take me ten minutes if I cut through the woods.”

  “Take a coat,” shouts Alice. “It’s about to chuck it down.”

  Arthur and David are manoeuvring the first single bed out of the back of the van as Lily walks back down the drive. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks David.

  “Mercy mission. No tea bags,” says Lily. “I won’t be long.”

  Great black storm clouds hover, as Lily crosses the road and walks into the cul-de-sac where Alice and Arthur live. Lily gets to the garden gate before noticing Fiona, her back to Lily, locking the front door. Fiona is wearing a backpack that is almost as big as herself. “Fiona?” Lily opens the small wooden gate. “You can’t ride a bike with that on. Why didn’t you put it in the van?”

  Fiona doesn’t turn around for ages. Lily walks up the path towards her. “Fiona?”

  Fiona turns round slowly. Her face is pinched and white. “I’m not coming.”

  “What do you mean, you’re not coming. Where are you going?”

  Fiona shakes her head and purses her lips. She draws a deep breath and as she exhales, her shoulders sink an inch. “I’ve got a job.”

  “What?” says Lily.

  “In Paris.”

  “You’ve got a job in Paris?”

  “Oh God, I know I should have told you, but I just couldn’t. I’m going to Paris. For a year.”

  “What job?”

  “An au pair. With a nice family.”

  “Are you nuts? What about school? And what about Dad, the house?”

  “You’ll have to tell him.�
��

  “No chance. You can’t leave like this. What are you thinking?”

  Fiona squares her shoulders and looks at Lily’s face for the first time. Because she’s still standing on the step she’s an inch or two taller. “You’ve found your family, and I’m really pleased for you, but I feel like I’ve lost mine. And I’ve always wanted to travel, and I thought I’d never be able to, because being the only child, well, you know what it’s like. But now, I’m not an only child anymore.”

  “You can’t just leave, not like this. What about Dad? Granny? You’ll break their hearts.”

  “Don’t you dare start guilt-tripping me.”

  “What about school?”

  “I hate school. I keep telling everyone and no one listens to me. I haven’t been to school since the day you kidnapped me. I told them my parents have split up and I’ve moved to Portsmouth.”

  “Fiona.” Lily’s face is contorted with disbelief.

  “Don’t start telling me how to live. You’re not exactly an advert for doing the right thing.”

  “Have you told your mum?”

  “Yes. She thinks it’s time I learnt to stand on my own two feet. She got me the job. She says I’ve relied on a man for everything and he’s let me down. She says this could be the making of me.”

  Lily rubs her chin. “What were you going to do? Leave a note?”

  Fiona doesn’t answer.

  “What about Dad?”

  “He’ll be ok, now he’s got you.”

  “But I don’t want to live with him, without you. I want to live with you, that’s the whole point. You’re my sister.”

  “Don’t give me that either. You weren’t the slightest bit interested in me; all you wanted was a dad. All those weeks of you watching us, you never thought about me, just him. You wanted a dad and now you’ve got one. Personally, I’m a bit tired of having a dad, of always having to do what I’m told the whole time.”