Before the word yes hisses past my lips, he leans away and shoves every inch of himself inside me. I cry out in both pleasure and pain. He holds still just long enough for me to catch my breath before he’s pulling out and driving back in again. His fingers dig into my hips and he pulls me back toward him so I meet his thrusts halfway.
“That’s so good. So, so good,” I moan breathlessly.
“Fuck yeah, it is,” he grunts, never stopping his movements.
He leans against me again and wraps one arm around my waist. His fingers search for my clit and hit right on the mark. My knees become weak, and tingles form in my lower stomach as he plays with the bundle of nerves. When he draws his hips back and slams forward again, he presses his fingers hard against my clit, and it detonates something inside me. I feel like I’m exploding into a million pieces, each one fused with something electrifying. My walls clamp down on him, and I barely register the deep growl he emits.
His fingers leave my clit to grip my hips with both hands, and just as my orgasm winds down, he starts fucking me with relentless strokes, bringing me back to the edge and hurtling me over. His body tenses behind me and he releases a deep groan. His forehead meets my back, where he kisses along my spine.
His hands slip up my chest underneath my shirt to my breasts, where he pulls me up from the wall. His softening cock slips free of my body, and I feel his cum leaking from me and sliding down my legs. It’s erotic as hell, and makes me glad we had the talk about not using condoms anymore. I love knowing his cum is seeping out of me.
When he twists me around and hoists me up, I wrap my arms around his neck and snuggle into him. Neither of us speaks as he takes me straight to the shower.
***
I’M HALF ASLEEP WITH THE soothing way Nathan’s fingertips run up and down my spine when his voice jerks me back to consciousness.
“Tell me about Avery,” he says quietly into the dark.
I’m mostly on my stomach with his body smashed up against mine. My head is turned away, so he doesn’t see my face scrunch up in pain. I know he feels the tenseness of my body though, because his fingers stop their caressing for a moment before they start again.
I pull in a deep breath for encouragement and turn to face him. I knew this conversation was going to happen eventually, and I think I’m ready. His hand goes around my back once I’m situated and he tugs me closer. He gets up on an elbow and gazes down at me, patience written on his face. I lock my eyes on his, needing that connection.
“I told you last night that I didn’t cope well with Jason’s death. What I didn’t tell you was how bad I let it take me under.” I lick my suddenly dry lips and forge ahead. “The pain was just too great, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I rebelled. Stayed out all hours of the night. Started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. The only thing that lessened the pain enough for me to cope was drugs. At first it was marijuana, but that soon became not enough, so I moved on to meth.” I turn my head away in shame, but he brings it back by gripping my jaw. Swallowing tightly, I continue.
“My parents knew something was wrong, and had tried talking to me numerous times, but I always pushed them away, insisting I was fine, just a little depressed. They didn’t know how bad it had gotten.”
“How in the fuck could they not know their teenage daughter was doing drugs?” he asks angrily.
“Because they were also dealing with their own grief over losing their son.”
Something hard flashes in Nathan’s eyes, and I flinch at the look. “That doesn’t mean they should neglect the kid they had left.”
I shake my head sadly. “It wasn’t their fault, Nathan. They did the best they could at the time. If they had any idea how bad it was, they would have done whatever they had to in order to help me. I made sure they didn’t know. I didn’t want their help. I just wanted the pain to stop. I was never high at home. I never brought the drugs home either. I just stayed away as much as I could. Although the drugs made me delirious, I knew what I was doing would destroy them.”
His mouth tightens as he contemplates my words. I understand his anger and reluctance to believe my parents didn’t just neglect me. I know deep in my heart they would have moved heaven and earth had they known how deep I had fallen in a hole. My parents’ love for me was every bit as strong as the love they had for Jason.
He gives me a stiff nod and his rigid body relaxes fractionally. I can still see the resentment in his expression, but it’s not as pronounced.
I drag in another ragged breath and continue, knowing the worst is yet to come.
“Along with the need to make the pain go away, also came the need to feel something else, anything else besides that pain. Ricky was eighteen and one of the guys I hung out with. He was also the guy I gave my virginity to.”
Nathan stiffens, but I push on, needing to get this over with.
“One night, I was at Ricky’s house with him and a bunch of his friends. My parents thought I was at a girlfriend’s house for the weekend, but I was staying with him. We were all high.” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the fuzzy memories. When I open them again, I point them at Nathan’s chin. “I don’t remember much because I kept blacking out, but I remember waking up several times with Ricky or one of his friends on top of me.” My stomach turns at the memories. “I was so out of it that my attempts to push them off were too weak. Apparently, this went on all weekend.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Nathan snarls. My eyes lift to his and see barely contained rage in their depths. The vein in his temple throbs, and I’m surprised his teeth haven’t chipped from the way he’s clenching his jaw. “Tell me those motherfuckers are rotting in prison,” he growls. “Tell me right fucking now, or I swear to God I’ll kill them.”
I nod, thankful I can give not only myself, but also Nathan that answer. “They are. When I woke on Sunday, Ricky and his crew were gone. I didn’t know what happened at first, but bits and pieces came back to me, along with the soreness of my body. It scared me. Like really scared me, Nathan. I called my dad and he came and got me. One look at me and he knew what happened and took me straight to the hospital, then called the cops and a report was made. They found semen from five different guys. During the investigation, they found a video one of the guys made of them… taking me.” My voice breaks at the end, and I swallow hard. “With the video, it was easy to convict them. They each got twenty years.”
“Still not fucking enough,” he mutters darkly.
Before I can respond, Nathan sits up in bed and drags me over his lap so I’m straddling him. Pain and rage war in his eyes. I hate that he’s feeling those two emotions, but it warms my heart that he cares enough about me to feel them.
He places his palms on both my cheeks and pulls my head forward until his lips meet my forehead. I reach up and grip his wrists. He keeps his lips there for several seconds, and between the rapid breaths that meet my forehead and the hard thumps of his heartbeat against my pointer and middle fingers on his wrists, I know he’s trying to gain control of his emotions.
When he pulls back, I see some of the darkness has faded from his eyes, and I continue what I started.
“Five weeks after it happened, I found out I was pregnant.”
I close my eyes. I’ve been strong up until this point, but no matter how hard I try to push the tears away, they manage to slip free. Nathan wipes them away with his thumbs, but more just fall in their place.
I slide my eyes away from Nathan, afraid of what I’ll see in his eyes when I reveal my most shameful secret.
“I didn’t want the baby and told my parents that I wanted an abortion,” I whisper hoarsely. “I begged and pleaded, but no matter what I did or said, they wouldn’t agree, insisting that I would regret it later in life. I just….” I pause and clear my throat, forcing the words past my dry lips. “I didn’t even know which one was the father, and I couldn’t stand the thought of having a piece of one of them inside me. I wouldn’t let myself think
of the baby as a person, but a repercussion of what I allowed to happen. My parents had to approve and sign off on the abortion. They wouldn’t, so I looked at other ways to get it done. After a few months, I found a place that would do it illegally without parental consent. I didn’t want to go alone, so I called my best friend and told her what I planned to do and asked her to go with me. Jessika tried talking me out of it, but I was adamant. On the morning I was to go in, Jessika called my mom and told her. It wasn’t Jessika who met me at the clinic, but my mom. She broke down, right there in that clinic. She cried when we lost Jason, but she was completely devastated when she thought of me giving up the baby. She made me realize that the baby was not only a part of one of the monsters who raped me, but was also a part of me, and even more, there was a small part of Jason as well.”
I grip the sheet that’s at my sides with white knuckles, anxious in light of revealing that side of myself.
“That night, I felt her move for the first time. It wasn’t until then that I was truly grateful that my parents stopped me. It was like the baby, or God, or somebody knew I needed those tiny flutters. She became real to me, a blessing and a miracle behind all the ugliness.”
That’s it. That’s the part of me I hate the most. I take a deep breath and wait. I finally bring my eyes back to Nathan. Understanding reflects in his gaze, but I have no idea what to do with it.
His hands, which are still on my cheeks, slide back until his fingers tangle with my hair.
“I still don’t understand,” he says. I frown because I don’t know what he’s referring to. “Why doesn’t Avery know you’re her mother?”
“Because I don’t deserve her.” I state the painful truth.
“How could you say that?” he counters. I go to object, but he places a finger over my mouth. “That day your mom showed up at the clinic…. Yes, she helped you, but it was you who decided to really listen to her. It was you who decided to not go through with it. You could have gone back to the clinic another day, but you didn’t. You chose to believe in the good that came out of such a horrific event. You gave Avery a chance to live.”
I’m crying again. I want to believe him so much, and a small part of me does. The day I went to that clinic was the worst day of my life. Not the day Jason died, or the days I was raped repeatedly, but that day, because I know my parents were right, and I would have never forgiven myself if I had gone through with it. It would have torn me up until there was nothing left. I don’t know if I would have gone through with it if Mom hadn’t shown up, but even the possibility that I would have scares me so much.
“What if she hates me?” I whisper my fear.
His smile is small. “She won’t. She may be confused and upset, but she won’t hate you.”
“How can you be so sure?”
He pulls me forward until I’m forced to lay my chest against his.
“I may have only been around Avery once, but once was enough. That little girl worships and adores you.”
I smile for the first time in what feels like forever, then drop my forehead to his chin. Hope blossoms in my chest at the prospect of Avery knowing I’m her mother, but behind that hope is the deep-seated fear of Nathan being wrong and Avery wanting nothing to do with me. I wouldn’t be able to cope if I didn’t have her in my life. It’s hard enough watching Mom take on that role when it’s been my dream for years.
Nathan lifts my head and stares into my eyes. “She deserves to know,” he says softly.
A tear tracks down my cheek, and his gaze follows it for a moment until it drips off my chin, then he brings his eyes back to mine.
“And you deserve to know her as the daughter you so obviously love.”
A sob leaves my lips before I can stop it, and I launch myself against him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I cry so much that my chest hurts and my breaths stutter. Nathan holds me, rubbing my back, and murmurs soft words into my ear.
I don’t know how long we stay like that; seconds, minutes, or hours, but I feel better than I did before all this started. Telling Nathan what I did lifts a weight off my chest I’ve carried for years. Both my parents and Jessika have told me repeatedly that I need to let go of the guilt, but it’s been hard listening to them because I’ve always felt I deserved to feel that way. Hearing it from Nathan though, someone who wasn’t there during those dark times, who wasn’t a witness to my downfall and near fatal mistake of terminating my pregnancy, is liberating.
For the first time in years, I feel hope.
ChapterSixteen
Emberleigh
I FEEL NATHAN’S HARD CHEST MEET my back as I stand at the sink rinsing dishes. Abby and Ava are at the bar dishing up and putting away the leftovers, so when his stiff cock nudges my backside, I stifle the moan wanting to slip free. He pushes my hair to the side and whispers kisses against the side of my neck. Goose bumps appear on my arms, and I shudder.
His chuckle is deep and does nothing to help the heat that’s quickly forming between my thighs.
“Everyone’s taking off, but we’re going to stay for a bit. Watch a movie.”
I turn in place and circle my arms around his waist. I tilt my head back to look at him. “Okay.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Abby looking at us. When she notices, she winks at me, then turns back to the bar.
A few minutes later, after everyone has left, we’re on the love seat while Tegan and Willow are on the couch.
“What are we in the mood for?” Tegan asks, sitting with his elbows on his knees as he browses through Vudu. When there’s no immediate answer, he makes his own suggestion. “Porno it is then.”
I choke on the swallow I just took and start coughing. Willow jabs him in the ribs as he laughs.
“Not funny, Tegan,” she scolds.
He shrugs. “I thought it was.”
Nathan’s arm comes around my shoulders and he tugs me closer to him.
“How about some Fifty Shades?” Tegan suggests next, earning a scowl from Willow.
“Give me that.” She snatches the remote from him and starts scrolling the selections.
While it’s apparent from his sly look that Tegan was joking with the recommendation, I’m not totally opposed to it. I mean, come on. It’s Christian Grey. When is there ever a time that watching Jamie Dornan isn’t a good idea? I keep that thought to myself.
In the end, we settle on a classic: Ghost, one of my all-time favorite movies. The lights are dimmed, leaving just a soft glow in the room, and we all get comfortable. Nathan has his legs propped up on the table in front of us, ankles crossed. Grabbing my legs, he removes my shoes, drops them to the floor, and places them across his lap so I’m forced to lean against the arm of the love seat. I’m okay with this because it’s comfortable and he’s currently rubbing my feet.
After several minutes, his hand moves to my calf, where he starts working the muscles. A tingle of awareness makes its way up my legs until it hits the center between them. I try my best to ignore the feeling and keep my eyes pinned on the TV.
Even though his hand is still below my knee, his touch is tormenting me through the material of my leggings. My body is turning into a needy mess, and it’s all his fault. When he lightly caresses just behind my knee, a spot that’s extra sensitive, a soft moan slips out before I can stop it. My eyes immediately swing to Willow and Tegan to see if they heard, only to find them still watching the movie.
I’m just about to shoot a glare at Nathan, because he knows just what he’s doing, when I notice Tegan’s hand is high up on Willow’s inner thigh under her skirt. Her legs are closed and it’s hard to tell through the dim lighting if he’s touching her intimately, but from the clenched fists resting on the couch cushions beside her, I’d say he is or at the very least is pretty damn close.
I’m so shocked at the bold move with other people present that all I can do is stare at them. What shocks me even more is the slow dance of desire I feel forming in my stomach. My cheeks flush, and I force my
eyes away from them. They move to Nathan to find him looking at me with a darkly erotic expression. It’s not until then that I notice that his hand has moved midway up my thigh, still caressing the flesh.
“Watch them,” he whispers, so low I barely hear him.
“What?” I whisper back, my eyes widening. “No.” I shake my head.
One corner of his mouth tips up, then his chin jerks to them. “Look.”
Knowing it’s wrong and I should refuse, lustful curiosity getting the best of me, I slowly turn my head. Willow’s legs are spread wider. Not fully open, but wide enough for Tegan to touch her better. And touch her he is most definitely doing. The glow from the TV and the low lights overhead make it just bright enough for me to see the white of Willow’s panties and the lump of Tegan’s hand beneath them. Her head is tipped back against the couch, her chest pumping as she pants through parted lips.
A rush of air leaves my lips at the intense arousal that hits me. Moisture pools between my legs and my body trembles.
Nathan’s hand moves up my leg, closer to my pussy, and I hold my breath in anticipation. This is so wrong. I shouldn’t be enjoying this. I don’t know Willow or Tegan that well, but they’re friends of Nathan, and I was hoping if things worked out between him and me, I could call them friends one day as well. How in the hell would I be able to look them in the eye after seeing Tegan pleasure Willow?
Just then, Willow’s head lifts and her eyes lock with mine. My lungs freeze, and my hand stops Nathan’s from traveling up higher. We stare at each other for several seconds. I try to wipe away the look of desire I know has to be on my face, but I’m not able to any more than Willow can wipe away hers. She bites her lip and her eyes glaze over. Indecision wars inside both of us. She seems just as shocked and uncertain as I do.
Nathan told me Tegan likes to be watched, that there was one time he was part of his and Willow’s sex games, so it’s obvious Willow likes the same thing. It should bother me that Nathan’s seen Willow’s body, has touched her, but in this moment, it doesn’t. He’s here with me on this couch. Not over there with them. It’s my body he’s touching. It’s human nature to be turned on by watching another couple receive pleasure. I can’t fault him for it.
Watching Mine Page 14
