by A. D. Ellis
“Where will you be sleeping?” I wanted to scream at her, but I held myself in check.
“I’ll crash on someone’s couch.” She shrugged. “I doubt I’ll be getting much sleep anyway, too busy.”
Heat roiled in my belly. I swallowed to keep the contents of my stomach from coming up. “So, my computer died today. Had to use yours to pay the credit card bill.”
Steph looked at me as if I was crazy. “Yeah, so?”
“Saw the texts.” I gritted out the words.
“I text a lot. You’re going to have to be more specific.” Steph rolled her eyes.
“Man, you said I’m clueless. Seems to me like you’re the one being obtuse now. Is it an act, or do you really not get what I’m saying?”
Steph crossed her arms and tapped her toe. “Get to the point, Kade. I’m running late.”
“You’re throwing away your boys and marriage for sex with an older man who reminds you of your father.” A statement, not a question.
She had the audacity to roll her eyes. Again.
“Not going to deny it?” I asked.
“Guess not. I mean, you saw the texts.” She shrugged and picked up her bag.
“That’s it? You’re having an affair, turning your back on our vows, and our history, and our boys.” I nearly choked on the last words.
“He gives me something I’ve been missing. You wouldn’t understand.”
I lost it. Anger crashed through me as I yelled, “How ‘bout you at least have the decency to try to explain it?!”
“I had a realization recently that my life hadn’t turned out the way I’d planned. I can’t be satisfied being a wife and a mom. I need more. I need the nights out, the parties, and the socializing.” Her words were smooth and calm in a disturbing way.
“And you need some old man servicing you instead of your husband? Do you need those two little boys at all?” I yelled, flinging my arm toward the pictures of Myles and Evan on the fireplace mantle.
“Kade, our sex life hasn’t been fulfilling since before I got pregnant with Myles. If you’re honest with yourself, you’d agree. I love the boys, but I can’t give them everything they need right now.” She walked toward the door.
“So what does this mean?” I felt helpless standing in the middle of the hallway.
“I’ll have my attorney draw up divorce papers. You can keep the house. Do whatever you want with it. I can’t keep up with a house right now. We can do this amicably, or we can make it really nasty. I hope, for the boys’ sakes, that you’ll agree to keep it all as friendly as possible.” She turned the doorknob. “You can use my attorney, too. He will be fair. We can work out a custody schedule.”
With that, she walked out and left me standing in complete shock and disbelief[PC26] at her cold indifference.
~*~*~*~
I sat on the couch in complete and utter disgust and confusion. Where had I gone wrong? I was a good dad, and I thought I was a good husband. Steph and I may not have had the perfect, romantic, fairytale story, but we had worked pretty well as a team.
Was it just the sex? I mean, I liked sex just as much as the next guy. Sure, there were times I knew she was frustrated or disappointed with our lack of sex. And, I accepted that real-life sex was never as spectacular as the movies made it seem. Was that it? Was she throwing away our marriage and hurting our children because the sex wasn’t good enough or often enough?
I texted Cam and asked him to let me know once the boys were in bed.
When he texted an hour later, I realized I hadn’t moved from my spot on the couch. Stuffing some clothes in a duffle bag, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I had no intention of spending the weekend in my house. I needed a break from anything remotely related to Stephanie.
Cam had texted to say I should come around back. I found him sitting at his fire pit, a cooler of beer by his feet, and the fire pit blazing.
“Pull up a seat, my man.” Cam toed a lawn chair with his foot and tossed me a beer.
We sat in silence for several moments. The pop and crack of the fire was the only sound in the darkness surrounding the lake. My thoughts came and went as I drained the beer and stared at the empty can in my hand.
Cam’s chair squeaked as he moved it closer to mine. With one arm swung around my neck, Cam pulled me into the classic bro hug. “Want to talk about it?” He whispered.
The closeness of my friend, the sincerity in his voice, and the massively fucked up situation I had recently found myself in were all too much. I lost it. Like completely broke down lost it. I had cried a few times in my life, but these tears were different. These were tears of loss and fear, frustration and anger[PC27]. I knew Cam understood my feelings.
As I leaned into Cam’s embrace, trying to get a grip on my emotions, a realization hit me like a punch to the gut. With the exception of hugging my boys, letting Cam hug me was the first personal, caring touch I’d had from anyone in months. When had Steph and I stopped hugging each other goodnight? When had she stopped giving me good morning kisses? The closeness warmed my soul, and the visceral reaction of my body started a fresh new round of waterworks[PC28].
Cam simply held me. He didn’t hush me. He didn’t try to stop my tears. He held me like one would hold a crying child. When my tears finally subsided and my breathing had calmed from gasping gulps to something at least somewhat resembling normal, I pulled away from his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I started, but Cam stopped me.
“Shut the fuck up, you have nothing to be sorry for. You’ve got a shit ton going on right now. You’ve got every right to break down.”
“You’ve got your own shit to deal with, I shouldn’t expect you to deal with my fucked up situation, as well.” I felt extremely guilty that I’d lost control when Cam was still mourning the loss of Deacon.
“Kade, you’re a dumbass sometimes. We’re friends, and we help each other. It feels good knowing I can be here for you like you were there for me when Deacon died.” Cam tossed me another beer. “I take it the conversation didn’t go all that well?”
I took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly as I contemplated the question. “Well, I mean, she admitted to the affair. So, in a manner of speaking, the conversation went exactly right. But, she has no intention of ending it. Says she’s no good to the boys right now. And told me she’ll have her attorney draw up divorce papers.” I replayed her words through my head for the millionth time, laughing bitterly. “Even offered to let me use her attorney, said he’d be fair in setting up something with custody. Says I can keep the house. And hopes we can keep things amicable.” I kicked at a rock, feeling only slightly satisfied when it landed in the fire with a thud.
“Fuck, man. I’m sorry.” Cam hadn’t removed his arm from my shoulders, and I had no desire to make him move. It felt good to have someone comforting me.
“I really don’t want to be in that house right now. Okay if the boys and I hang here for the weekend?” I knew I needed to be away from reality for a while for the shit storm to sink in.
“Sure thing. You’re always welcome.” Cam nodded.
“How are you doing?” I changed the subject.
Cam shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess. I doubt there will ever be a time when it seems easy, but I’m getting by.”
“I wish I could do something to help.” I toed the sand with my shoe.
“Having you and the boys here helps. Makes it not so lonely. The quiet times seem to be the hardest times.” Cam assured me.
We sat silent for several moments. When he moved his arm from around my shoulders to grab another beer, I felt an immediate chill at the loss of his touch. How messed up did Steph have me to make me long for my best friend to put his arm around me again?
~*~*~*~
The six of us spent the rest of the weekend working and playing. My parents and Cam’s parents came over Saturday and helped watch the boys. We cleaned the garage and picked up limbs and other debris that had washed ashore on the beach.
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br /> “Kade, what’s going on?” my mom asked. How did moms always know when something was amiss? I’d never been able to hide anything from the woman. She was a bloodhound when it came to me.
I was quiet for a moment while I debated what to tell her. Knowing I needed my family’s support in the coming weeks and months, I decided being completely honest was my best bet. “Have Dad come out here, and I’ll tell you both.”
After telling them everything, yes everything, I felt freer. My mom cried, and I worked to keep my tears at bay. Dad was angry. I could tell by the clench of his jaw.
“We will help you fight with everything we have.” Dad clapped me on the shoulder.
By the end of the day, Cam’s parents, Brenda and Don, also knew what was going on. I didn’t like feeling as if I was airing my dirty laundry, but it did feel good to know I had a whole team of people on my side. I didn’t want to make Stephanie look bad, but she had done a pretty bang up job of that herself.
By the time Monday arrived, I was both dreading what the week would bring and ready to get it over with. The papers were delivered at work by certified courier. I held onto them until I got home. As the boys were eating their dinner, I looked over the papers. Calling the number of the attorney Don Lewis [PC29]had given me, I made plans to meet with her the next day.
Over the next several weeks, I had contact with Stephanie only through my attorney. My soon-to-be ex-wife had basically fallen off the face of the earth according to my legal representation. Her work reported Stephanie was on an extended work-related business trip. For the time being, the divorce would be finalized, but custody would remain open until a later date. If Steph showed back up and wanted the boys, I was to contact my lawyer[PC30].
Two months later, I was still on-edge wondering if and when Steph would show up. The boys still asked about their mom, but they were asking less and less. It had been hard telling them she wasn’t coming home, because I wasn’t exactly sure when they would actually see her again. Evan was too young to understand, and Myles was upset but accepted that his mom had to go on a long work trip. I felt like scum of the earth lying to my kids, but the unknown made it too hard to tell them the whole truth. But, Stephanie had already hurt them enough, I didn’t want to add to the situation if I could keep from it.
We settled into our new normal. I’d basically been doing the single dad thing for quite a while before Steph divorced me and disappeared, so making it more of a permanent situation wasn’t difficult. The boys and I spent seventy-five percent of our time out at the lake with Cam and his sons.
“How is it that you sent me away when you needed to get used to being on your own, but, now that I should be getting used to being on my own, you’ve accepted us back with open arms?” I joked with Cam as we cleared a fallen tree from his yard[PC31].
“Easy. I wanted you to go home to spend time with your wife. I felt guilty keeping you here. But, now that you don’t have Stephanie at home, the boys and I are happy to have you back.” Cam shrugged as if it was an easy explanation.
Dropping the large limb onto the growing pile we planned to use for a big bonfire once school was out for the summer, I lifted my shirt to wipe the sweat from my brow. “Well, we appreciate being able to hang out here. Somehow it’s easier when the boys are all together. In theory, it should be harder, but it’s almost like they keep each other entertained. And having two pairs of eyes and arms is a lot easier than being on my own.” I knew Cam understood what I was saying, he had commented recently on how it was easier to have the whole group together.
“You should sell the house, or rent it out. Move out here with the boys and me.” Cam spoke nonchalantly as if he’d not made an offer that would ultimately change the course of our lives forever.
Chapter 5
Cameron
The words were out of my mouth before my brain even registered them.
Kade gave a look that suggested he was waiting for the punchline of a joke.
Replaying my suggestion and realizing it made a lot of sense, I continued. “Seriously, you guys are out here most of the time. I’ve got the room. It would make things easier on all of us. Think about it. We could share laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning.”
Kade continued to stare, his face clearly showing his thought process.
“I mean, at least give it some thought. We could do it for a trial run. If it feels right and works well, you could rent the house or get it ready to sell. I mean, either way, the extra money would be nice now that you’re solely on your income. And, the attorney fees won’t be cheap.”
He lifted his arms, locking his hands together behind his head. It was Kade’s deep in thought stance. I’d seen him make it many times throughout our years of friendship.
“Well?” I prompted.
“The idea doesn’t suck.” Kade began.
I laughed. “Gee, thanks. I’ll take it as a compliment.”
“Are you sure you even want to suggest this?” Kade asked. “I mean, it’s one thing for us to be here a lot. It’s another thing completely to have us in your hair twenty-four seven.”
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t sure about it. And, it’s as much for my benefit as it is for yours. Why have both of us struggling to keep up a house and take care of our boys when we can combine and share the workload?” The more I talked about it, the more sense it made[PC32].
“What about everything going on with Steph?” Kade frowned.
Fatigue and stress were etched on his face.
“We can deal with all of that as it comes along. No need to borrow trouble from tomorrow when we’ve got enough to take care of today.” I said.
“Okay, I’m in. I mean, I want to talk to the boys about it and make sure they aren’t totally opposed to the idea. But, you’re right, it seems like a no-brainer. Having help with dinner, laundry, dishes, cleaning, and bedtime would be amazing. I feel like I’ve been struggling to get everything done for the past several months.”
“I hear ya. I always knew Deacon was a huge help, but having it all fall on me made me realize how much I counted on him.” My chest felt lighter with the thought of having someone to share parenting and household chores with.
“Yeah, I feel like I never get anything done completely or correctly because I’m trying to stretch myself to cover everything.” Kade agreed.
“So, this weekend we’ll get you guys moved in?” I was feeling excited about the prospect.
“Sure thing.” Kade nodded. “What about sleeping arrangements?”
“Well, your boys can have the guest room and you can share my bed,” I quipped, doing my best to keep a straight face.[PC33]
Kade’s brows shot up. “Um…,” he hedged.
Throwing my head back in laughter, I threw my arm around his shoulders. “I’m kidding. But, the look on your face was priceless.” I ignored the fact that the thought of Kade in my bed sent an unexpected flutter through my belly.
Kade grabbed me around the neck and knuckled his fist into my head. “Fuck you, man.”
We both laughed as we headed back toward the house.
“So, seriously, the boys can share a room. You can have the guest room.” I paused a moment to think about the arrangement of the boys’ room. “We’ll get another bunkbed for the boys.”
“Is it weird that I’m getting stoked about having our own bachelor pad?” Kade joked.
“Nah, every guy wants his own man cave, and we’ll have the biggest and best of them all. It will be like a campout, sleepover, and frat party mixed together.” I smiled at the thought.
“Well, as long as it doesn’t get as sweaty, moldy, stinky, and dirty as those three things, I’m good. We definitely need to keep up on laundry, dishes, and cleaning so that we don’t end up raising our boys in a frat house.” Kade shivered at the thought.
“Deal. Fun like a frat house but clean like the responsible single dads we are.” I held out my hand and we sealed the deal with a fist bump.
~*~*
~*~
The boys barely stopped chattering about their new room the entire weekend. In hindsight, we probably should have waited until school was out so the older boys could have the whole summer to get used to their new living arrangements. I knew bedtime with all four boys in one room would be rough for a while. But, the whispers and giggles coming from that room after lights-out were absolutely priceless. It made me smile to know my boys could have fun with their buddies when we were still adjusting to Deacon being gone[PC34][PC35].
Once the extra bunkbed was put together and the boys’ room rearranged, I helped Kade move into the guest room[PC36].
“Do you want to move in your big bed or keep the full that’s already here?” I asked as we brought his final box into the room.
Kade stood in the middle of the room, his face scrunched in concentration as he took in his new digs. “I think I’ll keep the full for now. If I find I can’t deal with it, I’ll move in the big one.” Kade started unloading the few boxes he’d brought from his house. A few pictures of him and the boys, some hair product, a brush, and a tray that looked to be a catch-all for his wallet, change, and odds and ends.
Plugging in his phone charger, Kade placed his phone on the bedside table under the lamp Deacon had purchased to brighten up the guest room. I thought Kade brought sunlight to the room more-so than the decorative lamp[PC37]. The thought gave me pause.
Kade emptied some loose change, folded money, and his wallet from his pockets. Placing them on the tray on the dresser, he paused and stared off into space for a moment.
“What’s up?” I attempted to break into his silent reverie.
Turning to me, Kade gave a sad smile. “I hadn’t thought about my wedding ring until just now. I mean, I’ve taken it off every day, but taking it off now seems more final.” Kade twisted the ring around on his finger.
“You don’t have to take it off if you’re not ready.” My heart hurt for him.
