She did want to. I wasn’t sure if it was because she liked the idea of being the private guest of a Manhattan nightclub owner—even one with a birth defect—or if it was just spite. And during the subway ride home that afternoon, she didn’t ask where or how I had spoken to Del. She pretended that the entire issue was unimportant, which was even worse.
“I’ll bring Casey,” she said. “Leigh told me that I could bring a guest.”
Casey was the Columbia guy. He was blond and good-looking and the mention of him reminded me that I didn’t have a guest to bring, but I didn’t feel bad. Normally I would have—I would have felt inadequate and unattractive and I would have spent hours pondering my uneven breasts—but this time I decided to be positive. I was going to see Del next week and he had kissed me and touched the curve in my back, and any guy who did such a thing to a girl had to have at least a smidgen of interest in her, didn’t he?
But Mom couldn’t know about that. I only told her that I wanted to go to a nightclub on New Year’s Eve and that Leigh’s cousin owned the place, and it was all perfectly safe because Leigh’s mother would be there and I wouldn’t have a single drink.
She puffed on a cigarette while I argued my case and then she demanded to meet This Leigh Person, as if I was five years old. But I agreed and Leigh stopped by on Christmas Eve so we could exchange gifts.
I gave her a sweater and she gave me an Eighty-eight-Shade Pro Eye Shadow Palette. It came in a glazed black case with a built-in mirror. She told me that Rachel had chosen this particular set because it was the appropriate match for my skin tone.
“Leigh is very nice,” Mom said after she was gone. We were in the living room while Dad slept upstairs, and she handed me a plate of homemade butter cookies. “You can go to the club as long as you come home at a reasonable hour.”
What a relief. I smiled and selected a cookie in the shape of a star.
The next day, Evelyn came to Brooklyn with Patrick and the boys. She’d lost seven pounds from the flu; her face was thinner, her eczema was almost gone, and she wore a royal blue dress with a Christmas present from Patrick—eighteen amethysts that formed a teardrop and hung from a gold chain around her neck. She whispered in my ear that they couldn’t afford anything extra this year, but she’d been feeling so low lately that Patrick wanted to give her something special, so he just put it on their MasterCard.
I fawned over the necklace. I smiled after Mom whispered in a relieved voice that Patrick and Evelyn were getting along better. I snapped a Polaroid of them on the couch as Patrick’s hand squeezed Evelyn’s leg and Evelyn’s head rested on Patrick’s shoulder. And when they kissed under the mistletoe that hung from our kitchen doorway, I cheerfully agreed with Mom that they were a beautiful couple. Then I hid in the bathroom for a while. I was so jealous that I almost cried.
nine
It was New Year’s Eve and there was a party downstairs. Summer and I were in her bedroom, and she was frowning at my outfit.
“It’s just too boring, Ari,” she said, glancing at the imitation satin blouse that was my Christmas gift from Patrick and Evelyn. Then she reached into her closet and started tossing things on the bed until she found something supposedly appropriate—a black suede miniskirt and a bustier similar to the one she was wearing. “I hate to be so critical, but you usually want my advice and I’m only trying to help.”
I knew that. But I couldn’t wear a bustier. Hers was pink with jeweled lavender florets and underwire that hiked up her breasts; I couldn’t imagine leaving the house in such a thing. “I can’t, Summer. That top wouldn’t look right on me.”
“Well, maybe not. I know you’re uneven up there. But it’s barely noticeable.”
She turned back to her closet and I felt the blood drain from my face, thinking that it couldn’t possibly be barely noticeable because she had noticed it. And Evelyn had noticed it. And God only knew who else. Now I wanted to forget this whole thing, but Summer distracted me by latching a pearl choker around my neck.
“There. It’s flashy but preppy. I know you love the preppy crap, Ari.”
Preppy crap. That made me feel fabulous. I felt even better when she said my pants were too loose and my shoes were dull, but I took her advice because she did have a lot of fashion sense. So I ended up leaving her bedroom wearing my blouse, her choker, the suede skirt, and a pair of black pumps that she never wore because they were too big.
“You’re going now?” Tina said.
Summer and I had just pushed through a crowd of guests on our way to the kitchen, where we found Tina staring through the window of her oven. The house smelled delicious and Tina looked exhausted.
“The car is outside,” Summer said. “I won’t stay out too late.”
Tina pursed her lips and swung around to the counter. She peeled a sheet of wax paper from a tray of deviled eggs and shook her head. “I’m letting you off easy tonight, Summer. But the next time I have a party at home or an event to cater, I expect your help.”
“You don’t have to work so hard,” Summer said. “Dad makes plenty of money.”
Tina was arranging eggs into a perfect circle on a plate. “Money has nothing to do with it.… I have a business and responsibilities. I have a reputation, you know.”
They got into a tiff that lasted until Jeff and the scent of cigars joined us. He said that everyone was asking for Tina. Tina said she would be there in a minute and she didn’t say anything else to Summer, so we left.
Once we were in the back of the sedan, Summer gave the chauffeur her boyfriend’s address. I had to move to the front when Casey got into the car, but it was better that way, because as I checked my makeup in my compact, I saw the reflection of Casey and Summer kissing and groping. She only brushed his hands away after they reached her bustier.
“Wait until later,” she said. “You’re so pushy.”
He was? She had never told me that. But I didn’t think about it for long, because soon we were on West Twenty-third and there were so many cars and people in front of Del’s building that the chauffeur had to drop us off way down the street. Summer was between me and Casey as we walked toward the club, and she kept saying “Isn’t this exciting?” while the wind blew her hair into my face. It slapped my nose, but I didn’t mind. Summer was right—this was very exciting. A strobe light flashed behind the windows in the two lower floors of Del’s building, and we bypassed an endless line of people who gave us the stink eye while they waited behind a velvet rope.
The entrance wasn’t the front door, which Leigh and I had used the last time we’d been here. It was on the side of the building. Summer and Casey and I waited there for Leigh so she could get us past the sinister-looking bouncer with the shaved head who was in charge of letting people in.
“What’s the club called?” Summer asked.
“Cielo,” Leigh said, suddenly behind me. “It means ‘sky’ in Spanish.”
That was an appropriate name. Before Leigh had gotten here, I’d been staring at the pointed roof of the building, thinking that it nearly skimmed the moon, wondering if Del watched the stars through the skylight in his loft on clear nights.
Leigh spoke to the bouncer. He stepped aside and ushered us in, and the music was so loud I thought my eardrums might burst as I listened to Modern English—drums and a synthesizer and a male voice singing with a British accent. Lights pulsated in bursts of blue and yellow through smoke-filled air, and guys and girls were lifting their arms and grinding against each other on the dance floor. I thought I’d made a smart move by taking my migraine pills before I left home tonight. The lights and the noise would have given me a massive headache otherwise.
Summer, Casey, and I followed Leigh through the crowd until we reached a crescent-shaped bar surrounded by people sitting on stools covered in faux zebra skin. There were lit candles on the bar, a mirror behind it, and bottles of Stolichnaya and Johnnie Walker Black that were poured by three bartenders.
Leigh said something to one of them, I c
ouldn’t hear what, and the next thing I knew we were behind the bar, going through a door into a dark room that I guessed was an office because it had a desk and a phone, and then there was Del, standing in front of us in black pants and a silk shirt with the first three buttons undone.
Leigh made the introductions. Del shook hands with Casey and with Summer. He kissed Leigh and he kissed me and I felt his hand on the curve between my back and my rear end, which got me all shivery.
“No underage drinking, please,” he said. “I’ll lose my liquor license on my first night.”
We nodded and Del said he had some things to do so he would see us later. Leigh and Summer and Casey and I went back to the club, where Casey found an empty barstool and stayed there because he wasn’t a dancer.
The rest of us were. We carved out a space in the crowd, and we danced to the blare of Wham! and Duran Duran until our feet were sore and we had to take off our shoes and dangle them from our hands. Summer kept taking breaks to visit Casey, but Leigh and I were afraid to lose our spot, so we stayed right there.
I saw Del in the distance, working the crowd, and I also spotted Rachel, who looked beautiful in leather pants and a metallic halter top, dancing with various men. I caught her eye and she waved, jangling a jumble of bracelets on her wrist.
“Who’s that?” Summer asked.
Her breath smelled of alcohol. I glanced across the club at Casey, who’d been sitting there all night with a glass in his hand, and I guessed that the glass had been refilled several times with something that wasn’t Pepsi. He probably had a fake ID and was sharing his drinks with Summer. I was sure that neither one of them cared about Del and his liquor license.
“Leigh’s mother,” I said.
Her eyes grew big and round. “Really? Jesus.”
We kept dancing and Summer kept crossing the room to be with Casey, and soon she started laughing too much and I knew she was drunk. Then she and Leigh and I got tired of dancing, so we stopped and found seats next to Casey at the end of the bar.
“Why did your cousin name this place Cielo?” Summer asked, yanking on her bustier, which had begun a downward slide.
Leigh was sipping a mock Pink Lady with an orange slice stuck on the rim. “His girlfriend is Spanish. She gave him the idea.”
Summer nodded and touched up her lipstick, Leigh ate her orange slice, Casey ordered another drink, but for me the party was over. Del had a Spanish girlfriend and I was such an idiot.
“Hey,” Summer said, reaching across me to tap Leigh on her sleeve. “Did Ari tell you I thought Del was your boyfriend?”
Leigh shook her head. What Summer said after that wasn’t meant to be cruel—she was probably trying to be sympathetic and use her counseling skills when she said she was sorry that Leigh’s boyfriend died, losing someone in such a tragic way must be horrible, blah blah blah. Summer’s eyes were glassy and her face was flushed, and she didn’t shut her mouth until Leigh opened hers.
“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” she said, and Summer looked even more offended than she had when I’d told her that Indian wasn’t the proper term. “You’re not supposed to be drinking anyway. My cousin asked you politely, as I recall.”
Leigh turned her head, gazing across the club. Summer was quiet at first. I knew she was formulating a good response, the way people do during the whole car ride home after they’ve been insulted at a party and they make a lengthy mental list of clever comebacks.
“You’re one to talk,” she said finally, as her bustier slid down and her cleavage bounced up. “At least I’m not planning to drive my boyfriend home tonight.”
Leigh’s face went pale and I thought I saw her lip quiver. “Fix your top,” she said. “You don’t want people to think you’re a slut.”
She shouldn’t have said that. Leigh didn’t know about the condoms on the locker or the nail polish on the bathroom wall. But Summer had never forgotten, and now her chest heaved up and down as she leaned across me again.
“Not that it’s any of your business, Leigh … but I’ve only slept with one guy. And I haven’t killed him.”
I cringed. Leigh’s eyes filled with tears. She jumped off the stool and shoved through the crowd toward Rachel while Summer muttered the word bitch and Casey put her coat over her shoulders.
“We’ll get a cab,” Summer said. “Right, Ari? Let’s leave.”
I watched her button her coat. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to find Leigh and make sure she was okay. Summer was angry and flustered, and she seemed to think I was too. I just sat there until she stopped buttoning and looked at me.
“Right, Ari?” she said again. “Let’s get out of here.”
I touched the choker she’d given me. “I don’t want to leave yet, Summer. I want to talk to Leigh before I go.”
Her mouth fell open. “Leigh? Why would you talk to her after what she said to your friend?”
What about what you said to her? I thought. But I didn’t say it; Summer was upset enough already. “She’s my friend too. I can have two friends, can’t I?”
Summer closed her mouth. She looked like I’d punched her. “You’ve never had two friends. I’ve always been your friend. You’ve always needed me to be your friend.”
I didn’t know what to say. There was a straw on the bar; I picked it up and started bending it in different directions. Now I knew why Summer had hated Leigh from the beginning—because it made her feel important to be my only friend. She was right when she said I had always needed her, and I supposed she wanted to be needed. I supposed everyone did.
“I never abandoned you,” Summer went on, shouting over the music. “When I went to Hollister … and I made other friends … I never ditched you. I was always there for you.”
I tossed the straw back onto the bar and looked at her. Her eyes were glistening. She was right again—she hadn’t ditched me, even though most people would have. She had still invited me to her sweet sixteen and hadn’t let me hide in the bathroom all night. She’d even stood next to Uncle Eddie’s coffin with me and put my thank-you note in his cold hand.
The strain between Summer and Leigh had worn me out. The music was deafening and I was tempted to jump in a cab and go home, but I couldn’t do that to Leigh. “I know,” I said tiredly, reaching over to squeeze Summer’s shoulder through her coat. “I just want to stay for a while longer, that’s all. It’s New Year’s Eve … and you know I never get to go anyplace.”
Summer tugged pink gloves onto her hands, looking at me disdainfully from the corners of her heavily made-up eyes. “Why aren’t you on my side?”
“There aren’t any sides,” I said, thinking that having two friends was more complicated than I’d ever expected. “I don’t want there to be.”
She shook her head. “There are always sides, Ari. And I hope you’re only staying because it’s New Year’s Eve.”
I was sure we both knew that wasn’t the reason, but we didn’t talk about it anymore. Casey said goodbye, and he and Summer walked away, pushing past people as they headed to a bright red Exit sign. I looked over the crowd and saw Rachel and Leigh across the room. Rachel hugged Leigh and led her away, and I watched until I couldn’t find them in the shimmery sea of people.
Then I watched Del. He was weaving in and out of the crowd, shaking men’s hands and kissing women’s cheeks, and every time he kissed a woman, he rested his hand on the small of her back. It was enough to make me wish I was back in Flatbush, eating Mom’s leftover cookies and waiting for that stupid ball to drop over Times Square.
I wasn’t sure how I ended up in the front hall, walking toward the staircase that led to Del’s apartment. I had spent a long time alone at the bar, watching people dance and kiss and gaze longingly into each other’s eyes while nobody gazed at me. Nobody except the sleazy overweight guy who kept offering to buy me an Alabama Slammer.
I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve to be hit on by someone like him. I had shiny hair and well-groomed eyebrows and I
was thin and above average height. I might not have been as sexy as Summer or as exotic as the image of Del’s girlfriend that I’d spent the last hour concocting, but I was better than this fat creep with his three chins and his tacky pierced ear.
So I had bolted. I had given up on finding Leigh. I’d forced my way through the crowd until I saw a door that I hoped would lead to fresh air and a cab ride home. But of course I’d chosen the wrong door, and now I was in the front hall passing the staircase.
“It’s all right, baby,” I heard a voice say, and it was Rachel, huddling with Leigh on the lower steps. Leigh leaned her face against Rachel’s neck and Rachel spoke in a comforting voice. They made me think of a widow and her child who’d been evicted by a greedy landlord. The two of them against the world.
It was a private moment, so I tried to sneak past. But when I heard my name, I turned around. Neither of them moved. They kept their arms around each other while Leigh apologized for ditching me.
“I’ll call a car to take us home, Ari,” she said, then turned back to Rachel. “You go inside, Mama. You were having fun before I ruined it.”
Rachel held Leigh’s face in her hands. “You didn’t ruin anything, baby.”
Leigh insisted. Rachel left and Leigh looked at me. “Let’s go use Del’s phone.”
I didn’t want to use Del’s phone. I didn’t want to see his loft with the exposed brick and the skylight with its amazing view of the stars. I wanted to forget about him, because how could I have expected that somebody like Del would be interested in me? The whole idea was preposterous. I just wanted the night to end.
I couldn’t tell Leigh that, so I went. She had her own key, which she used to unlock the red door; then she picked up the telephone and I sat on a couch.
There were no partitions between the rooms. I stared at Del’s bed on the far side of the loft. It was lacquered black with a mirrored headboard and rumpled sheets that dripped suggestively to the hardwood floor. There was a window next to it, and I saw gargoyles on the neighboring building. Or maybe they were dragons. I couldn’t make them out from where I was, so I walked to the window and pressed my forehead to the glass, but I didn’t see dragons or gargoyles. I saw spooky angel faces with apple cheeks and rosebud lips like Evelyn’s.
Other Words for Love Page 9
