“Hello thereno, please don’t touch me, we know the rules. Better, good. Games or rooms it is for you, lost one. Move along like a good man.”
“You see it’s pertinent that we speak. There has been, you see, rather a terrible error. I am not crazy.”
“Of course not, who told you so? But Don’t worry, we’ll have you all better for the holidays, run along now and no more of this crazy business, it drives me crazy. Ha ha, good one for me and a good day to you.”
“Really, you see I don’t belong here, not that it’s not a pleasant, clean, modern facility, but you see I was on a stroll and perchancing to see you walking a dog in the park”
“I’m sorry, you must be thinking of two other dogs. I haven’t got one.”
“That’s just the point, you see, it wasn’t a dog only I thought it was but it turned out to be one of these crazies and what it all boils down to is that I followed you here and you making an obvious, understandable mind you under the conditions, mistake seem to have thought that well, you’ll see it’s all a rather embarrassing account, that I was somehow a patient of yours, perhaps a rogue one on the lamb as you say. You see?”
“Right. Rooms or games it is. Run along. Here let me help you. Hymee, Raoul!” Two surly men also in whites, but bulging from them, came running out and roughly grabbing Nicolai began to drag him toward the door at the end of the hall. “Have fun now, don’t wear out our little brain. Good-bye.” The doctor turned his back to Nicolai and walked awayas Nicolai was led (dragged) awayand then turned up the passage through which Nicolai’d originally come. Back to the park and freedom; you bastard.
The two guardsthey surely (surely) werepushed him into the game room and left, as he might have done if he hadn’t been greeted by a great ovation. The inmates were standing in two lines opposite each other, cheering for him and making a path toward an empty chair which sat in front of a chess board which sat on a table which sat in front of another chair upon which sat (floating slightly on a cushion of gastral gasses) Stinky I. Nicolai could do naught, under these conditions, but sit too. Doing so, he noticed that the game of which he was to be a part was already under way, both sides, black and white, having already completed two turns. As he sat, Stinky I was contemplating a third and soon made it, clearing a passage for his queen to Nicolai’s king, a puny pawn only blocking the way.
“You are black. I started without you. I hope you don’t mind, but you have already made some good moves. Look I lost a pawn. Oh, and mate in one.” It was true, all except the matethat, it was clear, was not possible considering black’s untraditional Kt-KB3, in response to white’s P-Q4for Nicolai (in absentia) had captured one of his pawns. He examined the board closely and made, though no Nimzovich, what he considered to be a shrewd move: Q-K2; placing his esteemed monarch behind considerable protection. Stinky I looked at him as if in surprise and then giggled. “Sorry.” He pushed over Nicolai’s king causing it to topple off the table.
“Sorry?” This move was in no rule book he had ever seen.
“Yes, my queen has seduced your king. She’s very pretty.” The crowd moaned and once again he heard the shuffling of papers. But where are they storing their money without pockets? Seduction? This was a new chess strategy, albeit successful. I must remember it for the future, he thought, and then, I really must get out of here. However, Nicolai thought himself lucky because he had not lost anything as some had portended and because the game had ended quickly, leaving him time to figure things out. Then Stinky I unexpectedly lunged at him from across the table.
“Hug!” He hugged him tightly while his belly knocked many of the remaining chess pieces onto the floor. As he did this he whispered into Nicolai’s ear; then he left and the others organized into games of their own, mostly parchesi. But Stinky I’s embrace had more to it than affection, for his whisperings brought the news to Nicolai that he had lost something, and yet this loss might become an eventual victory if events proved fortuitous.
Construction, he said, of the hole had been continued by Silly Goose on the lower level and they expected it to be complete this evening. Nicolai would come along with them and fulfill a role to be specified later; a special purpose. Stinky I had arranged, through several contacts, a meeting between Nicolai and the administrator of the facility to which he would be summoned soon. While there, he was to complete two tasks: one, he would retrieve if possible all of his belongings; and two, inform a woman he would meet there, Stinky I’s girlfriend apparently, of their plans. He also mentioned that there might be some pains involved in this and Nicolai hoped that he meant trouble as opposed to the more uncomfortable sort. If all went well they would leave at 11:59. Midnight, he said, is too common and would never fool them.
Ah, but Stinky, he thought once alone, the joke is on you because once I have explained my situation to the administrator all mistakes will be rectified and while I walk out a free man you and your crazy friends will be counting down the hopeless minutes to failure, and even if you were somehow to escape you’ll never find me and won’t have needed me in any case. Special function, I will not be a special function. Nicolai returned to his room and awaited anxiously his summons.
He could not sleep for the anticipation in his veins. Life will be different for me when I get out. My money will come. Rifka, although I may have made an error with you, I will not let that bring me down, and if some time may pass before riches consume me then I have a nice gold ring which will bring me some repast I think. Come along already. There was a knock at the door. It was one of the muscle bound men from before. Orders must have been strict though because the man did not even touch Nicolai, but escorted him with courtesy and haste around the room, down the elevator, and up the hall toward the game room. Nicolai had not noticed before that marking the end of that hall, beyond the door on the right side, was an elevator. They entered this and using a key he had, the man (servant) brought them to the top floorwhich must have been quite a way up because it took a long time to get there. They exited this into a hallway going left and right and lined with several unlabeled doors; the line of the elevator shaft bisecting it exactly. He was told to wait and the other disappeared again into the elevator. He stood where he was left although he might have taken a seat on some chairs at the far end of the hall to his left. The two or three sullen looking individuals already sitting there, however, were sufficiently disconcerting for him to ignore that alternative.
He counted the doors; there were seven, eight if you included an old, chipped wooden one at the end near the seats. Nicolai did not count this one assuming it to be a potty, so there were seven, each of a silvery material and with a newly polished surface. Wait, wait, wait; that he did for a long time, then suddenly the wooden door opened and a disheveled man stumbled out. He was not a patient though because he was dressed in a suit, a dusty one to be sure, but never-the-less one distinguishing a man of some position no matter how minor. This man ran down the hall in a crazed fashion and passing him turned left around a corner that Nicolai had not seen before. A moment passed and Nicolai heard a large body of people laughing from that direction and after, a man’s voice queried, “Que?” and a door closed; all was silent again.
The door directly in front of him opened and a beautiful young woman with a cherry complexion stepped out. She was clothed barely, oh so barely, in a white dress. Her breasts, he noticed, were small but terribly perfect, and tiny dots of red, which he dreamed of connecting, lightly spotted her legs, arms, and face. Unless this woman was plagued with both a visual and olfactory deficiency she could not possibly belong to Stinky I. Musicians, he thought, get all the girls. “He will see you now.”
Nicolai entered. The administrator’s office was tremendous, at least ten times as long as it was wide; he noticed too that all seven doors from the hallway opened into this room. The only furniture was a desk up center, administrator behind that, and in front of it another chair, placed ten feet away and obviously reserved for visitors. Th
e rest of the room was barren except for the doors and the black and white (alternating) tiled floor. The girl followed him in and indicated that he should sit, she then took a post behind the administrator who was busily shuffling through some papers, head down, and clothed in the same garb as the other employees (woman withstanding). Nicolai looked past him and the girl at the only wall hanging in the room. It was a single, framed diploma. He scanned it, but could only make out that it was from a school of dentistry.
When the administrator looked up, Nicolai saw that the papers through which he’d been shuffling were bills, five crisp hundreds and assorted lower denominations; Nicolai’s money! He did not speak, so Nicolai took the opportunity, “Sir”
“Doctor,” the administrator corrected.
“Doctor, I believe a terrible wrong has been done me and once I explain my most unusual situation I am sure you will see that this is so.”
“When I heard that you wanted to see me, I said to myself, ‘Now why would this man want to see me?’ Being in an agreeable mood I answered myself, ‘Doctor,’ I said, ‘Doctor, you’re a man of culture and education, of extreme wealth and charm.’ and then I went on with my life forgetting about the whole thing until just now. Usually I see the patients only in cases of medical emergency, there’s a long waiting list to get in here, but since you seem to be so esteemed I made an exception. Now, what can I do for you?”
“Thank you doctor and don’t think I’m not appreciative, I surely am. It’s only that”
“Right, strap him in nurse.” They attacked him at once and in a moment he was bound tightly to the chair, the two of them above him. The doctor swung a bright light into the scene, and using his foot, somehow caused the chair to recline. Nicolai could not speak for disbelief and for the fact that his mouth was being stretched open by the doctor. “It’s a good thing that you took the initiative. Look at this mess. Look at that, nurse; and look at that nurse.” They did, she blushed, and then: “They’ll all have to come out. Don’t worry son, my daddy was a dentist. My tools, my tools!” He rushed over to the desk and began to sing, “The right tool for the right job...da dee dee dum, &c.” Meanwhile the girl was stuffing his mouth with cotton.
She paused when the doctor’s back was turned and leaned in, “What time?”
“Hmph?”
“What time? Hurry.”
“Tmphl.”
“What?”
“Tmphl.” She removed the cotton, “Twelve!” and replaced it again.
The doctor heard him, “Twelve? No, no you’ve got thirty-two in there. Thirty-two rotten, disgusting, puss-filled little toothies...but they’re beautiful to me. Open wide now.” He came at him with a prong, but Nicolai thought fast enough to kick him in the degree and while the girl was rushing to the doctor’s side, Nicolai was able to loose the straps that bound him. In his escape, he hadn’t the time to retrieve what was his; neither the money, nor what he noticed at the last second: his belt, Rooka’s jewels, around the doctor’s waist.
The doctor howled, “Hymee, Raoul!” The two thugs entered from the next to last doors, numbers two and six if counted from the left, and captured Nicolai in the process of opening number four. The doctor recovered from his injuries and rose. “Take this pig away. Take this slimy, foul-toothed, cavitatious man away. And you sir, I hope your teeth all rot and fall out.” They did, take Nicolai away that is, but he refused to help them. Let them drag me if they will. They did. While waiting for the elevator to arrive however, the nurse, the girl, came out to him and slapping him in the face, stuffed a large wad of bills down his pants then returned to the office and closed the door. The elevator arrived and they dragged him into it; on the bottom floor they dragged him out. Crying, he began to sing the song that Tom had taught him. He sang it once, then again, then again as they dragged him across the floor toward the second elevator.
Suddenly there was a loud din and two more thugs, identical in face and body to Nicolai’s, came from the other direction carrying a squirming, screaming, fighting Tom, and as the two groups passed each other, the old man screamed out, “Sorry my boy, you’re on your own this time.”
Raoul and Hymee dumped Nicolai in his room and locked the door. Both of the Stinkies were there and he described what had happened, but Stinky I did not seem at all surprised and when Nicolai showed him the bulk of money he’d been given, Stinky I deemed the mission a success. The hole was almost complete, all that remained now was to wait, which Nicolai was happy to do, being resigned now to his part in the plan.
Nicolai would intermittently doze off as he rested on his bunk, usually for the space of about half an hour and then he’d wake to see the Stinkies discussing points in the plan or scribbling notes and sketches on some large papers laid out on the floor. Each time that he would fall asleep he would have the same dream. It began with him in his apartment, he was happyperhaps he’d received his inheritance. He would suddenly get an urge to take a walk in the sun (in that reality spring, not winter, was approaching). He would then get into a slick new suit and stroll out the door, only the door had somehow gotten behind his bed and he had to climb over that to get to it. Opening the door, he was suddenly in the administrator’s corridor and at that point would realize that he had an appointment with him for which he was late; so he would begin running. The center door was again held open by the woman, but each time he neared it, he could not turn into it and instead continued toward the end and smashed into the wall.
Without fail or alteration the memory of this dream was with him each time he woke up. Finally, however, he was told that there was no more time for sleep, their moment was nigh; and even though each time he drifted into sleep he sorely wished not to dream that eddying dream again, the moment it was denied him, he desired nothing more than to try once again to make that impossible turn into the administrator’s office just to find out what fate waited for him there.
“Come, come,” they said, “It’s time to go.” There was a knock at the door. Stinky I went to it and knocked three times quickly, in response to that came two, then one, then two more knocks. He opened it and the nurse came in. He berated her for being late, and she explained that she had to wait for the administrator to fall asleep, but she had brought gifts. To Nicolai she gave two things: his belt and his watch, which she explained were no easy task to acquire, the administrator had taken a particular fancy to them.
“The watch,” Stinky I said, “good. Now we can go.” He took it from Nicolai and examined it. “This is wrong.”
“Yes, it is broken.” Nicolai replied and Stinky I began to shake.
“All ruined. Now we’ll never know when it’s time to leave.”
“Of course we will, man, you see,” Nicolai thought himself rather witty for thinking up this lie on the spot, “you see, I am a human clock. Don’t know why, but since just a tyke I’ve had this uncanny ability to know exactly what time it is at any given moment. I see it in my head. You see, daddy was a lemming.”
Stinky I looked up, “It’s true?”
“Absolutely, as Newton’s calculus. And man, my head’s blinking one minute to twelve right now!”
“Let’s go. Hurry. Hooray!” They lowered the girl into the hole first, Stinky II was next, then Nicolai, and then Stinky Inot without some trouble at first. In the room below, they met up with Silly Goose and his new friend, the rightful occupant of those quarters. Nicolai saw that Silly Goose had dug a hole in the floor there, and below he could hear rippling water. They next went through this hole and into a small boat below.
Silly Goose’s new friend spoke, “Cut her loose there on the port side. I know something of the sea if I may and I think if we let the current carry us we’ll be b-best.” He tripped on the last word; everyone was nervous. They took his advice and let the boat drift. Wherever they were, it was coal black and they floated in this manner for a while, occasionally bumping into walls which were slimy to the touch. Eventually, however, in the distance, a touch of light illuminated th
e water. Nicolai could see that they were in a long tunnel and that the water (through which he’d sometimes let his hand wade) was filled with all sorts of disgusting items; with this, the realization that Stinky I might not be producing all of the foul smelling air in the place.
“Light ho!” It was so. From there the mood of the voyagers took a turn for the better. The boat drifted out onto a still lake in the midst of a forest. The heat of the tunnel dissipated and the air was cold, but some them still found occasion to sing. Their song, oddly enough, was about pockets. They were all happy to be out in the fresh air and relished in the cold and the light of a full moon. The current had slowed a bit on the lake and Stinky I made Silly Goose row and all was happiness, happiness that is until Stinky II posed an interesting question.
“Stinky,” he asked, “when do we go back?” The others wondered this too.
“We’re not going back.” They were shocked by this; Silly Goose dropped the oars into the water and they floated away. “I’m going to Broadway. To sing.” They argued with him and Nicolai came to understand that Stinky I had promised them a trip to the tailor to have some pockets sewn on their pants.
“We want pockets! We want pockets!” They began to chant.
“Shut up you guys or I’m going to hit you! Shut up, I’m warning you guys one more time.” They didn’t stop and Stinky stood up (rocking the boat) and punched Silly Goose in the face. Nicolai jumped up to stop him, unsuccessfully, and tripping he fell hard onto the floor. Louder than that sound, however, was a distinct plop, a familiar plop, a plop that for Nicolai meant horror; he checked and yes, a second jewel had leaped from his belt.
The brawl might have continued if another sound, a pleasant one this time, had not lightly come over the water. It was laughter, joyous laughter. It was the sound of people; and ahead they could see them, sitting at tables, coming in boats, all laughing and talking gaily. Oarless now, to reach that point it became necessary for Stinky I to position himself in the rear of the boat, his discharges pushing them on. Soon they were surrounded by the other boats and as scared as they were, the excitement of the activity urged them on.
I Thought My Uncle Was A Vampire, But He Was Just A Creep Page 11
