INT. FOYERNIGHT
The three men have already entered, VICOFFS leading the way. THE DRIVER is overly laden with bags.
ROOKA: Come vith me boy. I have something I vant you to see. And Valter, just put those things in Nicolai’s room.
WALTER (the driver): The additional ones too, Sir? They’re very heavy, Sir. It’d be much easier if I didn’t have to carry them.
ROOKA, stunned by this back talk, approaches him and slaps him across the face.
ROOKA: You vill carry them and like them. Here this too.
He picks up a large block of stone and places it in WALTER’s arms. WALTER begins to climb a large staircase, ROOKA and NICOLAI walk on.
INT. LIBRARY
ROOKA and NICOLAI enter a small room with many books and a large oak table. As ROOKA closes the door behind them we hear (from the other room) a loud scream and the sound of a man, many suitcases, and a large stone tumbling down the stairs.
CU. A painting hanging between two book cases. The painting is a portrait of ROOKA (a terribly realistic one for that) but of his head only, which is attached to the body of a large black bird, perhaps a crow or a pituitary charged blackbird.
MED. SHOT ROOKA
He is pointing toward the portrait.
ROOKA: You like it. (no question that) A local artist, very talented, but he cannot draw a torso for the life ov him. Makes everything into birds. I suppose style must supplant talent vhen necessary. He died very soon after completing this portrait, very mysterious circumstances. The others they say the Bogey man get to him. Bah! That is nonsense I have told them. The communists is vhat I say. They are everyvhere now, except here. They know to stay clear ov here, but they are veak. They vill someday be strong and I vill no longer perhaps possess the strength to protect my little rookery. Someday, perhaps.
ROOKA sits heavily in a chair.
ROOKA: Some days I think that it vould be so vhat if they did and a desire for Russia grows in me. I do not like this drear and gloom all the time. There is no vone to talk to! If only they vould call or write...like you my good Nicolai, good Vicoff. Vhy do I stay? To have the freedom to trade my petty stocks and bonds? No. For the freedom to read vhat I vill and write vhat I vant? No, vell a little. No. I protect not myself, but the Vicoffs! I vill someday be old and gone then and should these pigs oink! oink! have my fortune? That time is not yet though. Here, here...Vhat vas I going to do?
NICOLAI: You wanted to show me something, Uncle.
ROOKA: Yes, yes, now it is late though. Tomorrow vill be better. I must apologize. I have a pressing social engagement. There is a group ov flight attendants in from America and I am to show them some fangs...that is, sorry, things. You vere of course expected tomorrow and vill admit I have no alternative. I promise this vill be the only interruption to our visit.
NICOLAI: But Uncle, I certainly don’t mind at all, but you knew I was coming today.
ROOKA: Bah...not true. Vhat day you have?
CU. NICOLAI’s watch
It reads 9:00, October 31.
NICOLAI: It is the thirty-first.
ROOKA rises and crosses to a large grandfather clock in the corner. He opens the glass and turns the hands backwards until the date flips back to the 30th.
ROOKA: There now, ve have some extra time.
NICOLAI: But Uncle, it doesn’t vork...I mean work that way.
ROOKA: Nonsense, it works...that is vorks how I say it vorks. Now to bed. I have a busy day planned for us.
CU. ROOKA’s hand
He pushes a button recessed in the table. We immediately hear a sparking, electrical noise followed by footsteps clapping in the hall outside the room. A moment later, the door opens and WALTER enters.
WALTER: Yes, sir?
ROOKA: Valter, please show our guest to
his room.
WALTER: Yes, sir.
NICOLAI begins to follow him.
ROOKA: Sleep sound, boy. I vonce again apologize.
NICOLAI and WALTER exit.
ROOKA watches them go and then taking out a small bottle of Aqua Velva, dabs it behind his ears and sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. NICOLAI’s ROOMNIGHT
NICOLAI is already in bed and it is not as dark as it might be; a quick cut outside his window shows the reason for this to be a full moon.
NICOLAI closes his eyes.
FADE OUT.
AUDIO: (in the dark) a loud knocking. This continues for a second then...
QUICK FADE IN:
Same shot of NICOLAI as before, only it is morning now and bright. NICOLAI opens his eyes.
NICOLAI: (calling out) Yes?
WALTER: (opening the door) Breakfast, Master Vicoff.
NICOLAI: Thank you, Walter.
WALTER exits and closes the door.
INT. LONG STAIRWELLDAY
NICOLAI, now dressed, walks down the stairway from his room. We hear some activity below.
INT. FOYERDAY
Having reached the bottom of the stairs, NICOLAI continues across the foyer and opens a door at the far end.
INT. DINING ROOMDAY
This room is much like others in the castle, old rock, tapestries, &c. Only in the center is a long table and presently, as NICOLAI enters, this is piled high with breakfast goodies. Additionally, and particularly however, ROOKA sits along one edge and in the rest of the seats sit young, giggling, blushing beauties, dressed, like ROOKA, in bathrobes.
MED. SHOT a laughing ROOKA places a grape in one of the girl’s lips, she nibbles on it.
ROOKA: (jubilant) Nicolai, come, come join us. Girls, this is my nephew, last ov the great Vicoffs! Sit. Sit. Sit.
NICOLAI sits and reaches for a sticky bun.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER
The table has been ravished of its food and now only ROOKA and NICOLAI sit there. As the scene appears, however, one of the STEWARDESSES, dressed now as such, gives ROOKA a peck on the cheek. He pats her behind as she walks toward the door where the other girls (also dressed to leave) are waiting.
GIRLS: (together) Bye-bye, Rookie!
They blow him a kiss and leave.
ROOKA: It’s Rooka, you crazy girls! (to NICOLAI) Ah...you see vhat a nutty life I lead. Now...(he rises)...I must sleep. I am so tired. Tonight, though, I promise is ours.
ROOKA sleepily walks to a door at the end of the room and goes through it. Briefly, before he closes the door, a descending staircase can be glimpsed.
NICOLAI lights a cigarette and rises, looking for a way to spend his day. A thought occurs to him and looking around first to be sure no one is watching, he enters the library into which he was brought last night.
INT. LIBRARYDAY
The room is much messier now, showing signs of some activity. On the previously polished table are strewn ROOKA’s cloak among some other items, including a forgotten brassier. NICOLAI proceeds to look through some of the books on the shelves and selects a large, well bound, unlabeled volume. Seating himself at the table he places it in front of him and blows some dust off of the cover. He slowly opens it.
CU BOOK
Opened to the first page. It is blank. A hand (NICOLAI’s) comes into frame and turns that yellowed page and we see another, upon which is writ a great many words. It is labeled at the top: 1793. NICOLAI turns another: 1794, and another: 1795, he next flips rapidly to the end.
NICOLAI: Sly dog, Rooka. A diary. Odd way to number the pages, must be continued from a previous volume.
He rises to collect another one of the books. However upon closing this present one, he knocks Rooka’s cloak to the floor. In its place, a now disturbed, tiny item spins again to its rest. When it stops, we realize it to be a bright, bright (glaringly so) wedding band. Before he can examine it further, the door opens and WALTER steps into the room.
WALTER: I have been asked to prepare your bath.
NICOLAI: Oh.
WALTER: The bath is ready, Sir.
NICOLAI: Fine, fine. Lead the
way.
They exit.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM
A steamy bathroom. The glass of the shower is closed and foggy as the shower is presently running. In the foreground, a fully dressed WALTER stands, sweating and holding a towel.
CUT TO:
INT. NICOLAI’s ROOMDAY
NICOLAI enters in a bathrobe, WALTER at his heals.
WALTER: Sorry about the bath, Sir.
NICOLAI: Never mind, good shower’s just as good sometimes.
WALTER: Yes, Sir, we’ve had some problems with the drain. Thought it was fixed only the plumber has mysteriously disappeared. They say the Bogey got him.
NICOLAI: Yes, yes. That will be all, Walter.
WALTER: Master likes it when I towel him off, shall I?
NICOLAI: That’s all right. That will be all, Walter.
WALTER: Yes, Sir, only
NICOLAI: Walter.
WALTER: Yes, sir?
NICOLAI: Please.
WALTER bows and backs timidly away and exits. NICOLAI proceeds to dress himself. As he is buttoning the last button on his shirt we (and he) hear a yell and a loud crash outside. NICOLAI rushes to the window.
EXT. FRONT OF CASTLE(through the window)DAY
On the ground below in a small indentation lies ROOKA, face down. He rises quickly, curses, and rushes back into the castle.
CU NICOLAI leaning out the window.
NICOLAI: Rooka?! Rooka?!
He runs to the door and opens it.
NICOLAI: Walter, come quick!
And then back to the window. WALTER presently enters.
WALTER: Yes, Sir? Changed your mind?
NICOLAI: Come here, look, I’ll swear I just saw
He is cut off by the sound of a yelling ROOKA as he plummets from a top floor window and sails hard to the ground, arms and cloak outstretched and flapping wildly. Again he crashes and again rushes into the castle.
WALTER: Oh don’t mind that, Sir. Master is getting his exercise.
NICOLAI: He does this often?
WALTER: Yes. Is something wrong?
NICOLAI: (dazed) No, no. Thank you, Walter. Thank you.
WALTER: Master says to be ready for dinner at 6:00. Is there something else.
NICOLAI: No, no. That will be all. I think I should have a nap.
WALTER: A good idea at any time. I’m in need of one myself, but there’s the horses to bath and bridle, carpets to be unsoiled. I’ve got to repair the tapestry in the main hall and the plumbing of course, and
NICOLAI: Thank you.
WALTER: Yes, Sir.
WALTER exits.
NICOLAI looks again out the window.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
INT. DINING ROOM6:15
NICOLAI and ROOKA sit at opposite ends of the table, silently eating the meals set before them.
NICOLAI: (breaking the silence) I’ve just received word of some pressing business at home and am going to have to cut my visit short.
ROOKA: (genuinely hurt) Oh, no. Is this nothing that can vait? You have just arrived.
NICOLAI: I’m afraid not. I’ll have to go back tonight. I’ve already arranged passage if Walter could bring me to the train?
ROOKA: Ov course, anything you vish. I hope I have done nothing to provoke this action.
NICOLAI: No, nothing. (a pause) Why have you never mentioned your marriage?
ROOKA: Vhat?
NICOLAI indicates the ring from before, now on ROOKA’s finger.
ROOKA: This? (removes it) A trinket given to me by an old friend, for luck. It is nothing. You are sure you cannot stay?
NICOLAI: Unfortunately not.
ROOKA: If it must be it must be. Valter! Valter!
With the sound of ROOKA’s yelling and electrical sparks flying we
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENTEarly Morning
The camera is still close on NICOLAI in his bed. We zoom back now and the cloudiness in the lens begins to dissipate. The light of a young morning leaks in through the window. The voices are now silent and NICOLAI is still.
FADE OUT.
If Nicolai had a dramaturge handy and less pressing problems on his mind he might have written all of this down. As it was, the impressions of this strange night remained only in his brain; the negative of a poorly shot film abandoned mid-production. Perhaps it was exhaustion that gave these events their theatrical quality, or an overfed but ill-used imagination. Everything, however, the calls, this uncomfortable visit to Rooka’s and the memory thereof (that old network of past preserving pipes hard at work) came to him in this guise of consciousness and the details of it all were blurred in his head and if sleep had been allowed continued possession of his person, he might have forgotten the lot of it; this however was not to be. For as that nightmarish recollection of Rooka’s roost transformed itself into what might have been a nice, safe, successful sexual dream the phone rang and woke him up. “Hello?” he answered it.
“Disty?”
“Sorry.”
“Disty?” It was a familiar British voice.
“Is this that stupid policeman again? Hello?”
“Er...no, no,” the voice switched to a poorly done Mexican accent, “No, Señor. I think I have a wrong number. Lo siento, Señor.”
“Hello, who is this? Who is this? Hello?” The other party had hung up, but fortunately for Nicolai had brought back the memory of everything which had passed and particularly of some lawyers to which he definitely planned a visit.
Chapter 6
The offices of Shyster and Crooke were in a beat up brownstone on uptown Third avenue. Nicolai had at first been impressed by the towering office buildings surrounding the area and expected the law offices to occupy a top floor (or close to it) in one of them. He was wrong; for amongst the taller buildings stood several broken down little ones, sharing both residential and commercial space; that was where he found his fox. He walked around the block once, not quite believing he’d already found the place (and the sort of place it was; he saw, incidentally, his life draining, counterclockwise down a toilet), but eventually returned, resigned. After all, he assured himself, it’s just an adjunct. Outside hung two signs: one was a large black one with yellow letters reading, Nails; the other was smaller and hidden by the first, advertising the firm that he sought.
He wasn’t positive that he had the address right. In the melee and confusion of the night, he wasn’t even particularly sure what had been dreamed and what had actually occurred. Never-the-less, a matchbook with this address scribbled in it seemed to support an argument that everything had happened: that Contrari was in straights, and worst of all that he himself was facing utter dissolution. So with that assurance and an ounce of hope and not a pound more in his pocket, he found himself here. The being here, however, was no solace for the getting here, for even though he had not taken the same subway line which had carried him into the yesterday’s adventures, the one he had taken headed in the same general direction and he fully expected to see the park looming on his left hand when he came up from underground. He was relieved to find that this was not so, his current location being somewhat south and east of there.
I Thought My Uncle Was A Vampire, But He Was Just A Creep Page 13
