by Owner
Ben sits on the bath mat in front of me, lining up bottles of nail polish. “Pink, pink, pink,” he says holding one up.
“Yes, baby. That’s right, pink.” I kiss his head. I hear the doorbell, so Eric will be looking for us soon. I cheerfully agreed to this little babysitting arrangement Ned suggested, saying it will be nice to have help to focus on the guests, the party. But we all know they think I won’t be able to handle the day. That I’ll have a breakdown in front of everyone, a repeat of that day at the beach. Eric must be wondering why I haven’t handed off Benny yet. It’s ridiculous, but I can’t let him go. He’s my security blanket perched on my hip, in my arms, or his little hand in mine.
I pull a Vicodin out of my pocket, worrying they are right about me. A few deep breaths while I stare at the pill in my palm, give me time to decide. You don’t do this during the day. Breathe. Focus. I stand, still holding it, and grab a cup from the sink. A knock at the door sends my heart to my chest. “Babe, people are arriving.”
“Just a sec.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be right there.”
I fill up the cup with water and stare at myself in the mirror. I hate that I look tired and probably older than I am. I widen my eyes, throw on a party smile to see if it looks real. Ben’s fingers find my sandals, run along the ridges, then over to my toes. He rubs a finger across my polish-free big toe. “Pink, pink, pink.”
A genuine smile replaces the faux one. Being present to witness your baby’s discoveries and connections is equal to finding little pieces of gold. I put the pill back in my pocket, swallow down some water before bending down to Ben. “You are such a smart boy,” I say, hugging him. “Let’s go to the party now.”
I open the door, and I realize how long I was in the bathroom when I see little heads dotting my patio. A few moms and babies in the kitchen. Three dads have somehow escaped to the living room. The doorbell continuing to ring. All of these people will be expecting hellos and greetings of some kind.
I take Ben in my arms and head outside. Eric comes from the kitchen to intercept my baby, but I push past him. I’m not ready to let go yet. Voices, music, footsteps, all fill my ears as I walk, chaotic and out of order. I rub Ben’s back in quick, awkward motions. Where are James and Sophie? My heart is beating faster now as I scan the backyard. Almost immediately I see Ned wave at me from the back. He is pushing James on the swing. One more. I nod up at Ned and continue looking around for Sophie.
Where is she?
Eric appears in front of me, scooping Ben from my arms. “Hey, babe. You all right?”
I hear him, but I don’t answer. Then Sophie comes crashing into my thigh.
“Mommy! Keeley came! Look.” She points to her best friend following close behind her. She’s surprised because I didn’t want to tell her and get her hopes up.
I’m about to lose it when I see Jax in a slow jog behind her. She gives me an apologetic look. I’m not sure if I can take all this, even with their help. My heart beats in my skull, exactly the way it did on that day I carried James to the car before driving to the ER. I smile, not knowing what else to do. I want to cry, but I fight it. I need to cry, to let it out, but I don’t have that option now so I’m growing angry. If I ruin this party, I will hate myself. When I see Keeley’s mother walk up, I manage to say, “Thanks so much for coming.” I look at Jax. My eyes beg her for help. She steps between us. “Drinks are in the cooler outside. Let’s take the girls out there.”
A second later, I speed walk down the hall, careful not to make eye contact with anyone along the way. Tears bubble before I get the door closed. Stop it. Stop it, you stupid idiot. I can’t walk out there with red eyes. Everyone will know. I pull open my side drawer and snatch a pen and paper. There is nothing to write. I wrote lists for the party, revised, rewrote, checked, double checked. Everything is done, and I can’t think of a single thing to write. “God Dammit!” I throw the pen and pad in the drawer, slam it shut, and collapse on the bed. I run my finger over the lump in my pocket. It’s not a big deal, just to help me get through the party. I’m hot from fighting the tears. A few dribble out, and I wipe them with the edge of my sleeve. A streak of black from my mascara marks the edge of my shirt, and I contemplate changing. Instead, I yank the pill out, and then place it on my tongue as I race for the bathroom to get a drink. Though it’s small, it skids down my throat as a horrid reminder of what I’m doing. I avoid the mirror when I leave the bathroom.
Movement out the window catches my eye, pulling me toward it. I watch the party in the backyard like some reality television show. My children, my friends, my family, all genuine smiles and laughter, enjoying life and each other, while I hide away—a mental patient closed in from the world. I continue watching as Ned and Jax shadow my children like Kardashian body guards. My husband attempts to look manly, holding our baby and talking to other husbands. I draw in one long cleansing breath and realize I am unbelievably lucky to have such caring people in my life. I would love to watch the whole party unravel from this window, but I know that’s out of the question. I give myself a few more minutes of bliss. Yes, I’m going to be okay. Then I head back to the bathroom, check my face, look in my eyes, deny what I’ve just done, and head back out.
In the hall I run into Sage and Travis, surprised to see them together. She peers right through my grin, returning a pity smile that confuses me because I feel great. We hug. “What can we do?” she says.
“I thought you couldn’t stay?” I answer. We both know her meeting excuse wasn’t the only reason, but I’m suddenly feeling the need to make all of our problems disappear. “What about you and Jax?”
Travis cuts in. “We’ll stay as long as you want us.”
He seems sweet, different than I remember. I’m not sure what he knows or if Sage is fine with his offer. They exchange looks, a pause, and then. “It’ll be fine,” Sage says. “Come on.” Then she puts an arm around me and leads me to the kitchen. I pour us each a glass of wine, sinking into this optimistic mood I’m in. Travis picks up a bottled water from the counter and slips onto a bar stool.
We both take a drink, and then I ask Sage about her grandmother just before I down the rest of my glass. I’m not catching everything she’s saying. My attention is diverted around the room, watching children play and people talk. It’s turning into a wonderful party. A darling little baby girl seems to be smiling right at me. Maybe a new baby is just what we need. I consider stopping my birth control pills. Did I take one today? My gaze stays locked on the little one until I feel Sage’s hand on my arm. “Are you okay?”
My head feels thick and heavy when I turn it in her direction. “God, yes, I’m great,” I hear myself say. “I’m just so freaking happy you came.” I turn to Travis who now looks much more handsome than I remember. “You too, Travis.” A tight grin appears on his face as he rises from the counter.
“You can’t be buzzed already, Em,” Sage says and then takes the glass from my hand.
“What? No, I’m just so excited you guys are here. You two make such a cute couple. Crap I forgot…just friends right? Right!” I give Travis a wink because he knows what I’m talking about. It’s only a matter of time before Sage snags him.
I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel Travis grip my elbow and guide me toward the hallway. I hear their whispers but can’t make out what they’re saying. For some reason I walk willingly, but I glance back over my shoulder. “I need to see the birthday girl!”
“Not now, honey,” Sage says.
In the room I collapse on the bed and giggle. “You guys bring me here for a confession?” I say lying flat. Then I sit up. “I won’t tell anyone about you two.”
Travis kneels next to me, touches my knee, rubs my arm. “What’d you take, sweetheart?”
Sage stands behind him with her arms folded. “She just had too much to drink. Maybe she started before we got here.”
Travis shakes his head, lifts my face to meet his, loo
king me in the eyes. My smile fades. “I don’t think so,” he says. “You don’t go from zero to sixty that fast without some help.”
I look at Sage whose face is a mix of shock and confusion. “Is that true, Emily?”
I get up, heading straight back to my window, the ground swaying beneath my feet. My eyes scan the yard, searching for my children. “God, why can’t you just let me be happy? That is what you all wanted.” How do I go from feeling so great to being angry again? Sage comes up behind, touches my hair. “Not like this,” she whispers.
“I’m going to leave you two alone,” Travis says. Before walking out the door, he adds, “Take your time. I’ll cover for you.”
My head and stomach join forces to send me spiraling toward the edge of a cliff. “I’m going to be sick,” I say, pushing past Sage.
CHAPTER 21 - JAX
If there was even a faint ticking of my biological clock, buried somewhere deep inside me, today’s party may have snuffed it out. Ned and I have the privilege of helping clean up after the twenty-some-odd little monsters who finally left this house, reluctantly dragged away by their ragged parents. Truthfully, I did enjoy spending a day in a world so different from my everyday life. For some reason this experience takes my mind to Dale and his wife. He was ready for children. I can see them having a baby soon, the image leaving me with a knot in my stomach. I don’t know whether it’s from regret about Dale or jealousy over the happy little family he left me to make.
I wipe down the three white patio tables, deciding to give up on two red stains that won’t come out. Thankfully Emily and Eric’s family helped some before they exited with a flurry. This mess is worse than the time the bar had dollar beers and open mic on the same night.
I toss a few plates in the already overloaded can. On the way back to the table, a hot dog chunk squishes under my shoe, causing me to slip. An arm catches me as I tumble backwards.
“Gotcha,” Ned says, then spins me around to face him. He’s holding me close, around my waist, looking at me in an odd way. A way I’ve seen more often lately. “That was fun today, huh?” he says with happy eyes. I can only look into those eyes for a second before turning away.
“Sure, if you like being slobbered on all day.” I unravel myself from him, grab a napkin from a table to clean off my shoe.
“You had a great time,” he says with an accusatory tone.
“How do you know?” I grab the broom from against the wall, sweep the crumbs and dust purposefully his way.
“I saw you. I could tell you were enjoying it whether you want to admit it or not.”
The idea of Ned watching me during the party leaves a strange mark on me. We didn’t spend a lot of time together today, but did exchange a few playful smiles from across the yard. And I happened to notice he looked sort of cute playing with James and the other kids in the bounce house. I wondered who had more fun. He’s such a child sometimes. A big, goofy kid who—I stop the thought before it turns into words coming out of my mouth. Instead I say, “So I had fun. Big deal. That doesn’t mean I’m off to snag a husband and squeeze out some puppies.” I fling some trash his way with the broom.
“Hey.” He grabs the handle, pulls me into him. “You’re such a lady.”
“Thank you.” Then most likely from pure exhaustion I spit out the most ridiculous statement. “Exactly the type of girl you avoid.”
“Says you.” His eyes find mine and lock in.
I’ve still got a death grip on the broom handle, but he’s not letting up either. He pulls me closer, bends down until his face is inches from mine. What is happening? This is not me and Ned. To flirt this much, it’s as if we are other people, not the life-long shit givers and smart asses. “I…”
The sliding glass door opens and the dog bolts out, followed by Sophie. Fred was shut in Sophie’s room for the party, so he’s got to be anxious to do his business. “Where’s your mommy?” I ask my party buddy.
“She’s laying down with Benny. Daddy’s giving James a bath.”
My heart breaks when I think of Emily and how hard today must have been. I’m sure she’s drained. I know she slipped away with Sage during the party, but since we’re still not talking, I didn’t ask Sage about it. “You’re being a big girl taking care of Fred.”
“I know. But I’m not picking up the poop. Uncle Ned, will you do it?”
We laugh and Ned says, “Sure.”
I have the urge to tell him what a sweet uncle he is. That what he did today was wonderful and selfless. But I stay silent, hoping he knows because Jax and Ned don’t give each other compliments.
By the time we get everything cleaned up, it’s late. The sun is setting. I need a beer and a couch, quickly. But when Ned suggests grabbing a six-pack and sitting on the beach, I figure that’s close enough. Plus it makes me remember something else I need to handle.
We park at the Grace Chapel church and walk to the table set up on the boardwalk. Coffee and hot chocolate have been provided for those less fortunate, looking for a little companionship or some guidance. Pastor Greg is chatting with an old woman, patting her hand. A group of three disheveled men wearing work pants and boots gather to one side.
I glance back at Ned, who’s trailing me like a shy boy as I walk past strangers and familiar faces. I’ve been meaning to speak with the pastor about Travis. There’s lots of repair work to be done at the church, so I was hoping Travis could be hired or at the very least get in some service hours.
“There’s my sweetheart,” I hear behind me as I wait for Pastor Greg to finish with the old woman. I turn and see a middle-aged, tattered man sitting in a camping chair. He rises, his six-four frame stepping toward me. Ned inserts himself between us, staring up at the dirty stick of a man.
“It’s okay,” I whisper in Ned’s ear. Then I step around him. “Hey, Willy. How ya been?” Willy’s going for the record for most jobs lost. Alcoholics have trouble getting up in the morning.
“I been better. Happy to see your sweet face, though.” He cracks a smile, gestures to the table acting as if it’s his home. “Can I get you something?”
“No thank you. I came to speak with Pastor Greg. This is my friend, Ned.”
“How’s it going?” Ned reaches out to shake Willy’s hand but is greeted with arched eyebrows and a stare. Ned shrugs, looks at me.
I glance back to see the old woman has finished. “We’ve gotta run now, Willy. Take care of yourself,” I say.
Willy raises his cup to us before sitting back down. “You too.”
“What’s with that guy?” Ned asks as we walk over to the pastor.
“He doesn’t like meeting people, especially men.”
“What about you?” he asks.
“I guess I’m special,” I say holding back a smile.
“I know,” he says.
Ned hangs back at the table so I can talk to the pastor. I get the feeling he doesn’t want to hear Travis’s name. He cringes whenever I say it. I spend about two minutes filling Pastor Greg in on Travis’s situation and asking if there is anything he can do. He is enthusiastic; he’s helped people in his situation before.
When we finish, I find Ned chatting with the old woman. I walk over, hear her telling him how he looks like her son Neil, only taller and less muscular. He’s being so sweet, so patient. Not the little shit I’m used to. I wonder if that’s simply what I always chose to see.
We finally head back to the car, pour our beer in plastic cups, and find a nice spot to sit on the sand, far enough away from the tide. The crashing waves are music to my ears, comforting and serene. We are both exhausted from the day. I lean into his shoulder, and he puts an arm around me. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I ask, then close my eyes for a few seconds.
“I don’t know,” he says. “Maybe I’m tired.” He takes a long drink of his beer, almost finishing it. I take a sip of mine and set my cup in the sand.
The sun has almost disappeared below the horizon. A chill spreads across my body a
nd Ned rubs my arm. “What happened in the backyard today, Ned?” I can’t stop myself. I need to find out what’s going on. Why our relationship seems to be floating in a different direction. He doesn’t answer, but his head turns to me. He wants me to look at him so I do. “What?”
“Shit, Jax. I have no idea. I’ve just felt so…close to you lately.”
“We’ve always been close.”
“Different close. Better close. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.”
“I know,” I say.
His eyes are fixed on me again, same as in the yard, and again I turn away. I’ve never been nervous around a man before, but something about this sends my insides spinning. Ned is a part of me, but not like this. And if we were to go down this road, I’d have to be certain about a few things. “What about you and Sage?”
“Jax, there is no me and Sage.”
I shoot him a “yeah right” look.
He responds with, “Why don’t you tell me about you and Sage?”
I wrap my arms around my knees, play with the sand at my toes. “You already know. She’s upset about what’s going on with Rose. She blames me.”
“And did you have anything to do with that? Is she right to be upset at you?”
He may be deflecting, but I’m fine with hashing this out. “Maybe she is. But I didn’t talk Rose into anything. She started this whole thing.”
Ned leans forward too, watches me play with the sand. “How do you mean?”
“Rose and I have led very different lives, yet I’ve always felt sort of connected to her. We’re a lot alike in some ways.”
“Yeah,” he says in a sarcastic tone.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I jam my shoulder into his, and instantly things are back to normal.
“You’re both rough around the edges,” he says guardedly.
“Is that code for bitchy?”
“Nooo,” he says.
It doesn’t bother me at all.
