by Owner
“Can I talk to you for a sec before you go in?” Jax says.
We both look at Travis, who smiles and says, “I’ll wait inside.”
“Wanna sit?” she says.
My eyes are still transfixed on Travis walking away, trying to decide if he looks better coming or going. I can’t imagine going through this without him. I turn and find Jax already seated at the bench, so I join her. “Thanks for bringing him.”
“It’s no trouble. I was coming here anyway, Sage.”
“You were?”
A male nurse arrives, pushing an elderly woman in a wheel chair. He taps the automatic door button but nothing happens. Jax is up and at the door, pulling it open before he can react. “When you going to get that damn button fixed, Mr. Paul?” the woman says. He ignores her, nods, and smiles a thank you at Jax as he pushes the chair through. Jax punches the button with the side of her fist on the way back. The door swings open, surprising us both, making her jump to the side. We laugh as she flops back down next me. “I don’t want to keep you from your grandmother,” she says turning. “I only wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said on the phone.” The smile fades, her face goes serious. “I hate when things are weird between us. We’re not us.”
“I know,” I say, then pause. There were so many things I rehearsed in my head that I wanted to say to her, but they seem so petty now. I wanted answers, reasons for what my grandmother is doing. But I can’t waste her valuable time arguing with Jax and being jealous of their relationship. “I’m sorry I blamed you. My grandmother’s a strong woman. She makes her own decisions.”
Jax hooks her arm in mine. “Like you,” she says.
“And you,” I nudge her. After we sit quietly for a moment, I say, “Maybe I should get in there and rescue Travis.”
A smirk fills her expression.
“What?” I say.
“Your face sort of lit up just now when you said his name. Thought you guys were friends?” She has that sing-songy tone in her voice—the kind that says I know you cheated on your diet or watched porn during the free-movie preview.
“We are…at least that’s what he keeps telling me.”
“I don’t want you to get mad at me all over again, but I have to at least tell you to be careful.”
“I got it, and I am. He’s a good guy. He made a mistake and now he’s trying to make up for it.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I believe in Travis too. But I’m not sure he’s ready for a relationship.”
I don’t need to be reminded of this by every person I know, but I’m going to keep my cool. “I can be patient. I’m not the type of girl that always needs a boyfriend,” I say.
Her eyebrows rise. “Let’s change the subject. Quickly before you go in, what about Rose’s birthday?”
My heart does a nose dive to the pit of my stomach. Shit, that’s…when is that? I throw a toothy smile in her direction. “Did you have something in mind?”
“They always do this lame birthday set up here. Gather everyone up in the dining room, one of them plays happy birthday on the piano, deathly slow, then they put one candle on the cake because they think these old geysers are too sick or too old to blow out any more. It kind of pisses me off how much they baby them.”
I’m nodding through her whole spiel. Then she says, “But I was thinking we take her out.”
“Out?”
“Yeah, out.”
“I don’t know, Jax. I’d have to check with her doctor.”
I can tell she’s disappointed; the wheels are spinning in her head. Before she opens her mouth, I say, “Let’s talk later. I better get inside.”
When I check in, I’m told that Rose is in her room, resting in bed. I haven’t been in that room in almost a year. When we first brought her here, the place was empty and as cold as a hospital room, which made me instantly nervous. Yes, my parents said she wanted to be here, but it still caused queasiness in my stomach watching them unpack her things, placing pictures on the dresser, a plant in the window. Dressing it all up, pretending it’s her home, only about fifty times smaller. Guilt settles over me that I never questioned this living arrangement. I slow my steps as I approach her door and question why I had never concerned myself with whether this was the right place for my grandmother.
When I reach the doorway, I see Rose sitting up in bed, under the covers. Travis is sitting next to her, on the edge with one foot on the floor. I glimpse a bright smile on my grandmother’s face as she stares down at a small wooden box in her hands. A brown paper bag rests on the night table next to the bed. It hits me that this is what Travis was holding outside.
“You’re very skilled, Travis. Is Sage aware of how talented you are?”
They both turn to the doorway as I step in. Travis gets up and moves aside as if he was caught assaulting the old woman, but I imagine it’s to open a place for me. The tests today have worn her out. I can see that when her smile fades.
“How are you?” I ask, leaning on the bed and settling my hand down on hers. It’s bony, kinked, and unable to adorn rings any longer.
“A waste of time, those damn tests. Those weasels made me take my necklace off.” She laid a palm across the chained sapphire as if it were a lifeline. “But I’m better now, thanks to your friend here. Have you seen this lovely box?”
When she hands it to me, the first thing I notice is the top, decorated with a finely detailed carving of a rose. The grooves are painted with a matte red that makes the rose stand out. I run my hand over it, amazed at the professional workmanship. I had no idea Travis was capable of such artistry. My breath hitches, and I’m surprised by my reaction. “It’s beautiful,” I say in an exhale, feeling so much closer to him. Then I lift the lid to look inside. A gold name plate is attached to the underside of the top, engraved with Rose Lynn Douglas. The bottom is lined with dark blue felt. I close the lid and hand it back to her, then turn to look at Travis who is no longer standing there.
“Is this one of those friends with benefits things?” I hear her ask.
I tear my eyes from the empty spot Travis left. “No, grandmother, it’s not.”
“He’s very handsome.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.” And then an awkward silence falls between us. This would be the time when a normal granddaughter would seek advice from her grandmother. But I stay silent. I still haven’t learned how to do this with her. Instead, I look to the door and consider going to find Travis.
“He’ll be all right for a while,” Rose says. Then she sets the box on her nightstand. “Tell me what’s happening with my money. Or should I say your money?”
“It’s still your money. But I do have some updates.” I open my binder, show her first a printout of the spread sheet the financial advisor helped me with. Then I give her a brochure from New Beginnings, a rehab center for teens and young adults. “I have some other ideas, but wanted to start with this one. They’re trying to raise forty thousand dollars to renovate their gymnasium. Apparently, exercise is very important part of the healing process. I know it’s small, but what do you think?”
Rose doesn’t even look at the brochure. She lets it fall into her lap. Her head leans back against the pillow as her eyes close. Deep sigh.
“Are you all right? Should I get someone?”
Her eyes open to the ceiling. “How can I make this any more clear to you?” She pauses and my stomach knots at the familiar tone. It’s the one that accompanies words of wisdom. Words that tell me exactly what I’m doing wrong. But then her eyes lock on mine, soften with a smile. “You don’t need my approval, Sage. I’m putting this in your hands. I trust you to make the right choices. Choices that will make you happy.”
I fight back the tears at this beautiful, unexpected, selfless statement. “I’m not sure if I can. I want to do the right thing. How do I make sure of that?”
“Let me ask you something. Why this place? Why was this your first choice?”
“Travis suggested it.” I hesitat
e, look to the door wishing he’d walk through it.
“It’s okay, Sage. I know all about it. He told me the first time he came here with Jax.”
“Oh, and you’re fine with him being here? With me being friends with him?”
“Do you really believe I’m that shallow?” She holds up a hand. “Wait. Don’t answer that. It really doesn’t matter. All that matters is right now. And now, Travis is a sweet young man that’s helping you through a very tough time. Okay?”
I smile, exhale in relief. “Okay.” I tuck a piece of loose hair behind my ear, then grab the brochure. “Travis is required to attend meetings here and he’s begun mentoring a few boys. I want to do something to help him the way he’s been helping me.”
“So you see, this is something that has meaning to you. Whether you realize it or not, you followed your heart to this decision. Continue to do that with the money,” she says pausing to collect herself, “and then for the rest of your life.”
Her words surprise me. My immediate reaction is to stiffen. This is the type of sentiment I longed to hear from her, or more importantly, from my own mother. I wonder if it’s too late for me to be the type of person that follows her heart in life. Will I wait until I’m on my deathbed? “I’ll try,” I say softly.
“I can see you two have grown close.”
“It seems like we are but…” My heart wants to pour it all out to her, but I can’t find the words. Then, I see something in her eyes; something I haven’t seen in, I don’t know how long. There is a knowing, a sensing of what I’m thinking and feeling without me telling her.
She puts her hand on mine. “If it’s meant to be, then it will happen when the time is right.”
I can’t help but be touched by this new Rose. But I’m also saddened that I will only get but a glimpse of her. A mere blip of a relationship. This thought keeps me from breaking down. I won’t waste our time together shedding tears.
We spend a few more minutes talking about New Beginnings. Then I tell her I plan to give money to Jax’s church and a charity Emily’s PTA is helping. She’s happy Travis and my friends have helped to inspire ideas, but she still insists I find something to be personally passionate about. I promise to keep the search going and keep her updated. I sit with her a while longer, listening to her breathe and watching the clouds out the window, until she drifts off to sleep.
Travis follows an orderly in, who says we should let her rest. I’m hesitant to leave since I didn’t say goodbye. I opt for leaving a note, telling her I enjoyed our conversation, saying I’d be back in a few days for another visit. But it wasn’t all I wanted to say, the regret hitting me as we arrive back at the car. I break down in Travis’s arms. He says nothing, only holds me as I sob into his broad shoulders. How can I experience such pain and comfort at the same time? With my eyes closed, nothing else exists but this moment. I can’t even tell how long it lasts. When my breathing calms, my tears begin to subside. I stay in his embrace, feeling the safest and most content I have in years.
CHAPTER 24 - JAX
It took some doing, but I’ve convinced Sage and Rose’s doctor to let her out for her birthday. The thought of her celebrating life in a place where people go to die makes no sense to me. And with Sage busy with her own little project, this gives me something to keep my mind off things. Things like the results of my second HIV test that I’m supposed to get any minute now. Or my feelings for Ned, and that he is taking me to Band Jam at Café Tonic tonight. Or the fact that my father was supposed to be in town last week and I never heard from him. I remind myself that all will be the way it was meant to be.
Growing up with an onslaught of letdowns has given me two gifts. First, to comprehend that things happen for a reason. Second, that you must accept people the way they are—receive from them whatever they are willing to give. It may be odd that I learned these lessons from an absentee father, but it is what it is.
A turning point came for me when Dad began dating a woman barely eighteen, about ten years his junior. He was attractive and appeared much younger than he was. She was afraid to tell her parents the truth about his age and the fact that he had a child, so he couldn’t show up to her house to pick her up with me in tow.
Thirty-eight minutes doesn’t sound like a long time. But when you’re ten and standing in front of a crappy liquor store, it’s an eternity. It wasn’t supposed to be that long. The few times it happened before when I was visiting him, he was back in three or four minutes. Her house was around the corner, where he’d pull into the driveway and she’d be watching for him out the window. Then they’d come back for me, and we’d all go to dinner or the movies. Apparently this time, her parents followed her out. They’d had some questions for my dad. Did he plan to get a real job? What were his intentions? Traveling with a band was a seedy lifestyle, one they weren’t sure they could approve of for someone in their daughter’s life. They’d talked about this the entire night.
I was a tough-enough girl that I hadn’t cried, but as the minutes ticked by, I actually believed he wasn’t coming back. I started devising a plan for how I’d get home. I had my lucky quarter in my left shoe. I could have called Sage or Emily. Not my mother, I’d thought. She and grandmother didn’t need another reason to put down my father. After a while, I walked into the store, passed up and down a few aisles. I’d never stolen anything in my life, but I eyed the beef jerky as I planned on how I’d survive on my own until I made it back to my house. I picked up a tall, thin beef stick, ready to slip it in my shorts, when I saw Dad’s car pull up.
“Jax, sweetheart, we’re so sorry,” he said when I hopped in the back seat.
The strange thing was that I wasn’t mad until he’d said we’re instead of I’m. I knew even then that taking responsibility was not his strong suit. But he turned the two of us into the three of us. It made me see I wasn’t a priority. Over time, I came to grasp that trying to change people is a waste of energy. I had a lot more than most, but I learned to focus it on things that made me happy in the moment. It definitely made things a lot more fun growing up but also caused disappointment in those close to me. So I shouldn’t be surprised that the day would come when I’m the one disappointed in myself…in my own behavior.
I sit in the waiting room of the clinic, with the weight of the last few months bearing down on me. Though I’m confident the results of this test will be the same as the first, I can’t help worrying that karma might have something else in store for me. Maybe this will be the life lesson I’ll have to learn. The thing that will finally get me in line with a normal life. A life closer to what Emily or Sage are living. No matter what happens, I’ll tell Ned tonight. It’s only fair that I’m as honest as he was. And then I’ll make some serious changes.
When I walk back to the room, I let out the breath I was holding when I heard my name. I try to read the woman’s expression as she looks at my paperwork. This lady should not be in the medical profession. She has a deep wrinkle between her eyes and her mouth turns down sharply, giving her a permanent pissed-off expression. She confirms that my second, and final, test is negative. The relief has little effect on me. I don’t know if it’s her staring at me with that scowl or that I somehow think I’ve gotten off too easy. She doesn’t let me leave yet. It’s their policy to discuss ways to protect yourself against HIV in the future. I don’t bother telling her this was the one and only time I’d had unprotected sex. That even though everyone sees me as this free-loving, irresponsible flake, I’ve actually only slept with three people.
When I get home, I notice the boys have cleaned the place spotless. Carpet is vacuumed; clutter in the living room has disappeared; the dishes are done. They didn’t know why I was going to the doctor, so I’m not sure what’s sparked this. There is ravioli bowling on the stove, with Travis stirring and Brady setting four spots at the table. I almost tear up as I watch them from the doorway. It’s as though I’ve stepped into a sitcom of my very own little family.
“If you guys are t
hrowing a party while I’m out, you’re both grounded.”
“Mama, you’re home,” Brady says. He gives me a long, tight hug, then says, “Gotta piss,” and walks out.
Travis sighs, shakes his head. “Sorry. I’ll work on that.”
“It’s okay,” I say. The smell of garlic makes me smile. “Trust me, I’ve heard way worse. So what’s going on here?”
Travis turns the flame down on the pot, then leans against the counter. His skin has darkened with the construction work he’s done outside, and his t-shirt pulls tight over his biceps. “I haven’t given you a dime since I moved in, and I’m making some money now.”
“What Brady gives me is fine. It helps a lot. You need to start saving, so you can get your own place.”
He smiles and I quickly add, “Not that I’m trying to get rid of you. Stay as long as you want. I just figured you’d need a new beginning.”
“I do,” he says, nodding. “I’m working on it. But I would have never been able to do any of it without you.”
“That’s not true.” I shrug, then give him a tiny grin. “I made it a little easier, that’s all.”
“Well this is a small thank you.” He turns to stir the pot again. Pours sauce in a new pan. “It’s the least I can do.”
I glance to the table. “But there’s four spots. Is Sage coming?”
The stereo in the living room blares on, a Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song. Travis leans toward the open doorway. “Cut it out, Brady! I said something mellow!”
“This is!” Brady yells back.
“Dinner music, dumb ass.”
“This is what I listen to when I eat dinner.”
I laugh at their efforts, so sweet and ridiculous.
Travis relents, turns back to me. “Your friend, Ned, called. Said you didn’t answer your cell. I invited him. Hope that’s okay.”
