by Ralph Nader
Reptile Unrest
Still, not everyone was pleased with the latest offerings.
Watching all this was making reptiles uneasy and not a little envious of all the attention the mammals had been receiving. Earlier they were very upset when the original TRIAD’s Crocodile quit and cost them a voice among the managing trio. This quitter Croc was condemned as being self-indulgent and giving credence to the myth that crocodilians—which includes crocodiles, alligators, and caimans—were light-headed, unable to keep up with the Elephant and the Owl. “It’s about time you show humans what we can do, including the tools we use to lure our prey,” the reptile caucus menacingly said to the TRIAD.
This is not to say the reptiles simply complained. They told the TRIAD that they were preparing a story that would fit right into the latest series, which was highlighting positive relations between animals and humans.
The TRIAD was shown a segment the reptiles had prepared, for later broadcast, which honored a human and, fitting in with the latest craze, gave him an award.
On the tape, the TRIAD saw a congregation of lizards, pond turtles, snakes, crocodiles, the rare giant sirens, hellbenders, and the New Zealand tuataras, making quite the picture on the screen. Because she had been rarely seen, the three-eyed tuatara made the announcement:
“We hereby present our highest honor to our great zoologist and publicist, who has broken the vicious stereotypes of amphibians and reptiles for tens of millions of people and children in his books, drawings, and activism. His immortal name is Professor Robert C. Stebbins, who departed this earth at age ninety-eight, but left behind a record of protection and respect that changed how many humans view us. To him, we present the Grand Order of the Amphib-rep World: the first ever to a human.
“We found no better inscription for the award than the opening words of the Washington Post’s obituary:
If anyone could make lizards, salamanders, snakes and all manner of creepy, crawling things objects of wonder and even beauty, it was Robert C. Stebbins.
His well-regarded books, lectures and artwork made him a superstar among those who studied reptiles and amphibians, from world-famous scientists to weekend naturalists who hiked with his nature guides in hand.
“He kept us from being stepped on so often,” said a toad in Georgia.
“He gave humans respect for our innocence, our diversity and our ecological value,” said a black snake in Ohio.
“He showed how long we’ve been around and how mammals, including the human mammal, evolved from us,” sputtered the crocodile.
Then the salamander piped up, saying: “He even gave us salamanders a personality.”
“Our greatest of protectors and respecters and teachers,” they all cried out in unison.
Emergencies Keep Cropping Up
The TRIAD, after seeing the tape, told the caucus that they respected their viewpoint, understood perfectly well the reptiles’ grievance, and would give them stage time right after they broadcast news of another emergency.
It was a story unfolding at the southern tip of the state of Florida. A “mass stranding” of a pod of over fifty short-finned pilot whales was underway. Ten of the whales had died while forty-one others swam nearby, in shallow water, far from their food sources, which were about fifteen miles offshore in much deeper water. Rescuers tried to guide those six-thousand-pound cetaceans out to the ocean, but the whales did not want to abandon their dead pod-mates, notwithstanding the danger to themselves of being beached, along with that from the incoming sharks feasting on the carcasses.
One of the whales tried to explain why the surviving whales would not abandon their fellows. “We feel for each other. Our very sense of who we are is ingrained across our pod. We bond with each other no matter what, especially in situations where we do not know from where the danger is coming.”
“Whales are intelligent,” remarked a marine scientist, “but they cannot fathom that a deadly virus or sonar by the U.S. Navy may be the cause of this catastrophe. We humans cannot figure it out yet,” he added.
Following on the heels of reports of this tragedy, the emergency alarm went off again and another story came on, preempting yet again the reptile segment.
One Sumatran and five African rhinos lumbered onto the stage quite distraught. “Poachers are killing us off because some Chinese think our horns can reduce fevers and hangovers. In South Africa, nearly a thousand of us were shot down.
“Humans, you know there are not many of us in this world, maybe thirty thousand left. We’re losing our habitat to poor farmers. Rhinoceroses are in a serious situation. Our Javan rhino cousins in Southeast Asia are almost gone; we’ve lost contact with them.”
The Sumatran rhino looked up at the Elephant and said, “We’re going away like your kind. Can’t humans manufacture horns that feel and look exactly like ours and yours?”
The Elephant was at a loss for words. All he could do is look with sorrowful eyes and flap his trunk ever so slowly. The rhinos understood this sympathetic silent language and left the stage thinking they had done all they could do.
Reptiles Front and Center
No more emergencies were on the horizon, so it was reptile time at long last. Crocodiles, alligators, caimans, lizards, snakes, and turtles rushed to the stage, crowding it. “For centuries humans have mutilated us, making shoes, purses, headdresses, and who knows what out of our skins,” exclaimed the lead alligator.
“They treat us with ignorant cruelty as if we are brainless and exist only to open our jaws and swallow whatever is around,” added a giant crocodile. “Their imported pets have turned into huge pythons devouring us in the Everglades.”
The tortoise, the oldest of the reptiles, thought it best to define what a reptile is so as to give their presentation a factual basis as well as to scatter the crazy myths about their kind. “We are cold-blooded. Our body temperature depends on how hot or cold it is in our environment. We shed our outer layer of skin regularly.
“Depending on which of our thousands of species you look at, you’ll see we can give birth by laying eggs or by having live offspring. Once born, we activate quickly. In less than half a day we can crawl, glide, and swim. But then we’ve had lots of time to practice, having been around for over three hundred million years.
“Our unique, really spectacular physical capabilities, we contend, would (if they were known) be more fascinating to humans than those of mammals and insects combined. But up until now we never had a chance during the one hundred hours to show these abilities, which should be the ones humans know about, real ones that could replace all the scary and slimy images humans have of us, and which they have used in their mythologies of horror.
“Getting to our skills, take the example of some of our lizard species that, when chased by a predator, can release their tail as a distraction. No problem, they just grow a new tail later. Another ability is seen in the chameleon, who has three-hundred-sixty-degree vision to see in every direction since it can move its eyes independently.
“Time is short. To learn about many more species-specific amazing physical feats, far beyond what humans and their technology can imitate, go to your National Geographic Society.
“Speaking for my large and vibrant part of the animal kingdom, I beseech humans to drop the derogatory language whenever you refer to us. Sure you have some of us as pets, but your very use of the mass marketing word “reptilian” to describe the least developed stage of the infant human brain hurts our sensibilities.
“We reptiles can match any other species with our care and creativity. Under the most difficult environments and facing numerous predators—alas, we are known to eat each other, not just insects and smaller mammals—we survive and proliferate. As we do this, we don’t see each other as ‘ugly, slimy, and stinky,’ to use phrases from you condescending world. We are not your enemies but your friends. Why, your scientists, who have no time for such stereotypes, have already extracted from us venom and toxins, which are employed in
developing drugs used to treat your heart and diabetic conditions.”
“We are grateful to learn about your scientists who understand our ways and look for manners in which to educate other humans so they can share their understanding. We welcome human efforts to save from extinction the few remaining Orinoco crocodiles. They once numbered in the millions, a hundred years ago, living on the banks of Venezuela’s Orinoco River. Then they were hunted to near extinction so they could be used for human clothing.
“We’re never going to rule the animal kingdom, but we’re here, there, and everywhere on land and on sea and we’re not going away.”
With those words, all the reptiles on stage gave their nod to the great tortoise, then 170 years old, and scampered or slid off the stage before a largely dumbfounded human audience, who was caught in a kind of cognitive dissonance between their long-held myths and the reality conveyed by the venerable tortoise.
Global Warming
For the last hour, not counting the emergency warnings and this last segment on reptiles, the TRIAD had been deluging the humans with stories that should be quite to their liking, as they highlighted and gave awards to humans who were revered by the animal world. The TRIAD knew it was almost time for the animal mating show, which would obviously be a great crowd pleaser, so they decided to chance depressing their audience by bringing up one of the most serious topics with which they were concerned, global warming and climate change.
The TRIAD made sure that on stage would be knowledgeable and sober representatives to discuss this universal alarm. The killifish came on screen with the latest worrisome scientific study. “Methylmercury is deadly,” he said. “I can’t excrete it. I’m getting more of it with the increase in temperatures. That affects humans who eat fish. The more mercury in us, the more it is concentrated in the larger fish that eat us. Then you eat them and increase your methylmercury. Up goes your risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks, kidney damage, and brain harm in children.
“You think I’m just a hysterical little fish? Why then does every state in the U.S. issue warnings over eating seafood containing mercury, especially for your pregnant mothers and tiny children? The mercury comes from burning coal, other mining operations, and everyday sources from your economies. We cannot prevent a bigger buildup of this dangerous metal that, along with warming, comes from you. So that’s where the solution has to come from!”
The tiny killifish made a big impression on humans. They murmured with anticipation when the eagle next came forward to relate how the melting of the glaciers from Alaska to the Andes will diminish flow of their waters to the great rivers, including the Amazon, if cold temperatures do not restore them every winter for annual melting.
The eagle spoke: “The permafrost is receding; animals like the polar bears, the walruses, and the seals cannot negotiate the ice flows. If they try, they may drown. If they don’t, they’ll starve.
“Oh, humans, especially the climate change deniers, go to the First Natives of the Western Hemisphere. They will show you what was then and what is now. Everything is connected. One broken link, and it starts to tear apart.”
The eagle fluttered its giant wings, which was enough to create patriotic feelings among the American viewers. “You can change,” advised the eagle. “Listen to your sun. It gives you the rays and the winds and the tides. There are no coals burning off mercury. It’s all renewable. Even though many birds are struck by your giant windmills, the price we’ll all pay if you don’t have more solar energy of all kinds will be far, far greater to us and everyone on the planet.”
And so it continued, with one species after another providing heartfelt stories of reality, not statistics or double-blind studies, but just telling viewers what they were living through, a situation that was getting worse and worse, with giant weather disruptions becoming more frequent; and the land, the vegetation, and the animal and insect life changing. All in all, they know their fate is tied to that of humans. They know their earth is trembling.
That segment was necessary but a downer nonetheless. Pretty soon the TRIAD had to stop the flow of anguish and fear. They knew most humans had a tendency to turn off when facing up to such global perils and go from becoming depressed to becoming cynical. Unlike subhumans, they give up. The basic points were made. The media of the humans carried excerpts from the animals’ cries. More attention started being paid to the causes and solutions regarding climate change.
Cat’s Meow
It was time for some levity, or so the TRIAD thought. Cats had already appeared during the hundred hours. Still, the TRIAD considered, there are three times more cats as pets than dogs in the world. So, obviously, putting on more cats would make for a popular show, but it would have to be treated wisely because cats and their owners can become quite finicky in certain ways.
The TRIAD didn’t have a prescreened segment, but the cats said they had something ready to go. The TRIAD thought the pet cats would go through the expected prancing, meowing, airing of pet peeves with their owners, discussing of their relations with other cats, and then showing off their speed in catching mice, rats, and voles. They would probably let bird killing go unmentioned. Too many passionate birdwatchers would be angry. Even animals learn to self-censor.
Prompting them to put on this cat segment was also the popularity of a young cat in America, born with something like a cleft palate, which was interpreted by the YouTube crowd as a facial grumpiness, and merchandised by companies as a cat folk hero with all kinds of salable cat food, memorabilia, and likenesses offloaded to millions of viewers and friends. Clearly the cats would want to talk about “Grumpy Cat.”
In their private exchange prior to the cats coming onto the stage, the TRIAD admitted they knew very little about domesticated cats. Their experience, if any, was with the big cats in the jungle, the forests, and down by the ocean, although the Owl admitted whisking away some stray kittens for its meal. The Elephant commented that there appeared to be little risk in their letting these cats have a say in that they (presumably) had to have roughly similar character traits to those possessed by the big cats.
On the screen came the cats: dozens of them in all sizes, colors, ages and genders. Two females, burly and exuding cat sense, were given the mike. They minced no words:
“Humans, we have purred our way into your affections, rubbed against your legs with our head, body, and sometimes our tail, jumped into your laps, rolled over for your strokes, though we prefer our heads to be stroked, chased your mice, and got out of your way only to return from the outside before nightfall. Humans, we have arrived in our relationship where we take each other on our own terms; we cats do not try to alter your behavior, nag you, or expect you to adjust to us, like dogs do, nor do you try to breed us for certain tasks like you breed canines to be guards, herd sheep, or hunt foxes and quails. Our relationship seems to reflect the Buddhist ethic of restraining our cravings in ‘our’ households.”
The second female cat took over:
“But outside the household, you are our mass murderers. Because we have large litters, you’ve drowned billions of little kittens, euthanized adult cats that no one wanted, and driven millions more to fend for themselves in the wilds. This last group is known as feral cats, and they are often semi-starved when the birds are not around. You spray us, reshape a few of us for your ridiculous cat shows, or, the rich and famous among you, like to carry us in your arms as if we’re inanimate bunnies.
“We’re not here to flatter you. We’re hardly worried about extinction or loss of habitat. Given your garbage, you’ll want us for the mice, if not for your vanities—oh, what endless vanities that we cater to— licking you and cuddling with you. So, we want to give you some straight talk, not just on our behalf but on behalf of the entire animal kingdom.
“First, lay off the big cats. They are forest capstones, as your scientists have proven. Second, they’re all heading for extinction, led by the great white Siberian tiger. You use their likenesses as mascots
for your athletic teams, sell their image to the fans, yet you’re killing them off. Very strange! Even the businesses that use them in their ads or to open their movies seem not to care about their survival. Sure, you’ve got them in your prison-zoos, so pathetic to see such proud felines that also make us so proud, shuffling along in putrid zoo cages with none of their jungle skills and intuitions ever being used as they’re thrown a dead rabbit to munch on. So, please, lay off them, already!
“Second, the race between your conservationists/animal welfare groups and the raging corporate commercialists is being won by the ‘everything is for sale’ miners, loggers, and merchants. Not even a contest. That means you’re shooting yourselves in the foot. Animals and insects are part of your life-sustaining environment, your vegetation, your very being on earth. Is mass extinction your destiny? We pet cats are just saying what is on the minds of both the animal and insect kingdom because we don’t censor ourselves by nature and we have intimate access to you humans.”
Whereupon three tomcats, deeply agitated, leapt up, their tails erect, and let loose a synchronized mellifluous “We agree. We are united with all catdom.”
Cat experts, presiding over a domain in human society known as catification, had never heard such a sound before, though they noted the majority of female cats suddenly erected their tails.
Their time was up. The cats left the stage in the wake of an uproar among millions of human onlookers: confused or amused, startled or impressed, anxious or alert, repulsed or thoughtful.
Dogs As Peace Ambassadors
Well, that was not at all as planned. One thing was for sure, the TRIAD was very shaken. The expected levity segment was flipped upside down. The cats had told too much of the truth. That coming right after the depressing discussion of climate change was rattling human viewers. The one thing needed was something that gets everyone back together. A segment on peace among canines seemed to fill the bill.
