Brad had said the same thing. So had Donna, and now the Mate. Did everyone know what a self-centered coward she was?
Jazz laid her hand on Olivia's shoulder and in spite of the dressing down she'd just received, she felt oddly comforted.
"Luckily," the Mate went on, "Fate kicked you in the ass, and you woke up. You put the blame where it belongs. On you. Terrence is a fucking asshole, but that's exactly what he was raised to be. You were raised better, and I'm proud of you for seeing that once your eyes were open. I'm proud of you for having the backbone to admit it and stick with it once you saw the light. You'll be stronger for it in the long run and the next time it'll be easier to stand for your pack." She gave the shoulder a pat. "There, now, it feels good to get it off your chest, doesn't it?"
"More like a relief, but it doesn't make me feel better. You shouldn't be proud of me, Miz Jazz."
"Save the Miz for when the pups are around. They need to hear you say it to learn to show respect. You're an adult. If I don't have your respect, giving me a title won't change it."
"You still shouldn't be proud of me. I'm a coward." There, she'd said it, the worst item on her list of shame. "I didn't fight back when they made fun of you because I was afraid. From my first week in college, I was afraid. I was too far away. I couldn't feel the pack. I was so lonely." And Brad was too busy working. How many times had she called only to have their conversation cut short because he had another run to make?
She remembered how her wolf had reacted when she saw Terrence sitting at that bar. Olivia saw now that it wasn't sexual interest like she thought. It was simply the recognition of another wolver. It, too, needed the connection of others of its kind.
"The same thing happened with Terrence. I was losing my college friends and knew I'd be lost again. It's a reason, not an excuse. I knew what I was doing when I made the choice to stay, and still, I did it. I was too cowardly to strike out on my own."
There was no understanding the Mate. Where Olivia expected a rebuke, she received common sense. Where she expected sympathy, she received a rebuke. Where she expected disgust and anger, she received sympathy. The Mate pulled her from her seat and wrapped her arms around her, enveloping her.
"Aw, honey. We're all cowards at one time or another."
"Not you."
"Even me." Taller than Olivia, she pulled the young woman against her chest and began to rock from side to side, suffusing her with understanding and love. "I'm so, so sorry. Part of this is my fault, Livvy. I was too new as the Mate. I knew how attached you were to the pack, and single minded bitch that I am, all I saw was that would mean you'd be coming back. I didn't see the other side of the coin; how lonely it would be for you, or how vulnerable that would make you. No wonder you suppressed your wolf. It probably drove you crazy with its loneliness."
It had. She'd listened to it every single night for months, and then it stopped, like it went to sleep. She was so grateful for its silence, she never questioned why.
"Please don't tell Mama," Olivia begged. "She kept asking how I was and I kept telling her I was fine. Just fine, Mama, just fine," she quoted herself with contempt. "They were so worried about me being on my own and I was too proud to admit that anything was wrong. I was a coward there, too. I was afraid of what they would think. I had to prove I was grown up. Knowing how I hurt will only hurt them."
"They'll understand, Livvy. Everyone will."
"No. You promised you'd keep my secrets safe. Telling them won't change anything. I've made mistakes, Jazz, big ones. Whether they were intentional or not doesn't matter. I used people; the pack, Brad, my classmates, even Terrence. Some of those people were hurt, and no matter how hard I try, some of those mistakes can't be fixed. I'll do what I can while I'm here, but it won't change my decision. I can't stay in Gilead."
"Can't or won't?"
"Can't. I was raised here, but I can't grow up here. I love this place, but I can't live here. It would be too easy to fall back on my childhood. I don't want to be little Livvy Dawson who came running home with her tail between her legs; little Livvy who needs her Daddy and Mama, no, the whole damn pack to take care of her. I don't want to be little Livvy who has to find a mate and settle down to raise a litter of pups because that's what Gilead females do. I'm not faulting them for it, Jazz, if that's their choice, but I want more."
Jazz voiced Olivia's thoughts. "Not going to rely on anyone but yourself, huh?" She nodded even though Olivia hadn't answered. "Don't leave yourself alone and vulnerable again, Livvy. Lone wolvers don't survive long out there."
"I know that, and I think I've found a solution. I've thought a lot about this, and I have a plan if the Alpha will help. He has brothers, both Alphas, out east, doesn't he? One of their packs has a school, maybe both do by now. I'd do whatever they asked if they'd take me in and give me a teaching position when one opened up."
She felt Jazz's interest. "I thought you'd given that up."
Olivia shook her head. "It was another of my many mistakes. No money in it. Would you talk to the Alpha, Jazz? I know it would be asking a lot considering how I've treated the pack, but it would give me a chance to start fresh and this time do it right, as an adult, a real one. Would you ask if it's possible?"
"Why? What is it you want out of this besides a chance to start over? There's a lot of money in Wolf's Head, you know."
"Is there?" Olivia honestly didn't know much about the Alpha's brothers or their packs. "I don't suppose I'll see much of it if I'm teaching. I've learned my lesson on that one, Jazz," she said earnestly. "I'm not saying I want to live poor, but I meant it when I said I want to do this right and I need to do it in a place where I'm not little Livvy. I need to." She knew what it would sound like, but decided to say it anyway. "I want to make a difference." She tapped her chest. "I need to fill the hole I have in here and I have to stop expecting others to fill it for me. I have to grow up."
Jazz was quiet for so long and so solemn, Olivia thought the Mate might be looking for a way to politely refuse, but then the woman smiled.
"Of course I'll talk to him and I'm sure he'll do what he can, but don't expect him to do it tomorrow. I know my Griz. He'll want to see some proof that you're not hell bent on finding another free ride. He wouldn't do that to his brothers or their packs. It would go a long way with him if he saw you making an effort to honestly reconnect with this pack before he recommends you to another. What do you think?"
"I'll do whatever I can to make this happen."
"That's the answer I was hoping to hear."
For the next half hour they made a list of the things the Mate thought Olivia should do. They were small things, none of which were particularly difficult, and some of which didn't make much sense, but Olivia wasn't about to question the Mate's requests. She'd do what was asked. Her future depended on it.
Jogging toward home, she left the Mate with a renewed sense of purpose and a feeling of hope.
"Livvy," the Mate called after her as if she'd remembered something important. When Livvy turned and ran back, Jazz was smiling. "I broke your mother's nose."
"I know," Livvy said, not understanding what that had to do with her situation. "Everyone knows."
She was in high school at the time so she missed the actual event, but Gilead was still buzzing over it when she got home – how on her first day in Gilead, the wild, blue haired newcomer had attacked her mother, and beat the ever lovin' crap out of her. The story was told over and over. People laughed about it now, even Ellie who had a slight bump on her nose to prove the story was true.
"Yep, everyone knows that I slammed my fist into the face of one the kindest and friendliest wolvers in Gilead when all she'd done was hold out her hand to welcome me. It was a huge mistake on my part, and the pack would have been within their rights to send me packing."
Olivia felt the warmth of the Mate's love suffuse her body as it spread out over the entire village. She knew that every member of the pack was standing just as she was, stock still
and basking in the glow of their Mate's impromptu blessing.
"Feel that?" the Mate called to her again. "Gilead gave me that instead. Your mother and this pack gave me a second chance. Remember that, Livvy Dawson. They aren't looking for money or retribution. They're looking to give you something precious. Don't turn away from that. Show them you're worth it, because you are."
Leaving the Mate, Olivia felt better than she had in a long, long time. She had a goal now, and a plan. She would do as the Mate asked, and leave Gilead with her head held high.
Chapter 8
The pups were across the hall, snug in their beds and sound asleep. Griz and Jazz were in the middle of a ritual that began before they were Alpha and Mate. By unspoken, but mutual agreement, the ritual was performed as lovers, not mates, or parents, and certainly not as leaders of their pack. It was a time to set aside their responsibilities as leaders and concentrate on each other. Jazz was fully aware that she was breaking that agreement, but time was short and action needed to be taken.
She was hoping the red, spiked heels, and the skimpy panties would keep him from concentrating too deeply on what she was saying. The sheer and silky kimono he'd given her last Christmas couldn't hurt, either. Unfortunately, Griz was good at doing two things at once.
He snapped his head to the side to look his mate in the eye to be sure she understood. "No."
Jazz pulled her hand back just in time. "Yes," she said, just as emphatically. "And please remember who's holding the razor."
His arm snaked around her waist and pulled her to stand between his legs. He grinned through the lather that surrounded his mouth. "Threatening to cut my throat?"
"Of course not," she said, returning his grin. "I need your help."
The hand at her waist relaxed. "I'm not in the matchmaking business, Hellcat. Individual problems are the Mate's bailiwick. Mine is pack. This has nothing to do with the pack."
"It has everything to do with the pack," she insisted as she wiggled in closer. "We need more pups."
"Then let's make another one." He tugged at the belt of her loosely tied garment and then slid both hands inside to spread the robe open and expose her naked breasts. He licked one rosy bud with the tip of his tongue, then puckered his lips and blew the dampness away.
She made an appreciative little hum in her throat. "As lovely as that sounds, you and I can't repopulate the whole pack," she purred.
"We could try."
"That is not a solution," she said, but playfully, and she didn't push him away when he addressed his attention to her other breast. "There are too many gaps between the generations, Griz, and they're going to get wider. Our numbers will fall as the old pass away and the young move on to what they think is a better life. We're doing better, but it's not enough. We have to give them more and better reasons to stay, to bring their mates home to Gilead, to raise their litters here. A school would be a good start."
He looked up at her and frowned.
She smiled and drew her finger down the center of his bare chest, following the fine line of hair down to the waistband of his jeans. After unbuttoning the riveted tab, she unzipped the fly to release his growing erection. She ran her finger down that line, too.
"Please, Griz?"
His chuckle was deep and raspy, aroused. "As much as I appreciate your efforts, Hellcat, I won't force someone to do what they don't want to. You of all wolvers should understand the danger in that, and from what you've told me, Livvy doesn't want to stay."
"Nobody said anything about forcing," she huffed, pulling back from her failed temptation. She rinsed the straight razor and resumed scraping the bristles from his face. "Gilead is a good place to live and Livvy Dawson is needed here. All I'm asking you to do is give me time to remind her of that. To remind them both of what they could have together." She ran the blade along his jaw and rinsed again. "I told her I'd ask you to talk to your brothers and you have. Now I'm asking you to keep what they said to yourself until she and Brad have a chance to make things right."
"And how's that working for you so far?"
"Not so well," she admitted, but added stubbornly, "So far. All I need is a little cooperation from the Alpha..."
"And there it is. You want me to meddle."
"So? Meddling isn't bad if it's done with love. Leonard and Mary meddled and where would we be if they hadn't?"
"That was different," he said gently. "Leonard understood the pack needed a new Alpha and Mate."
She pressed her forehead against his. "I know, and now that same pack needs a school. There's nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone. Leonard needed an Alpha for his pack, and Mary saw two wolvers who belonged together, and God bless them both, they did what they could to make both things happen. Mary was happy we chose to take our place in the pack, but she would have been just as happy for us if we didn't."
"Don't be too sure of that," Griz told her. "Mary Coburn was a wily old she-wolf."
"I know, but she was wise, too." Jazz pulled away and began shaving him again, caressing his cheek with the blade. "Like you said, it's the Alpha's job to see to the pack. It's the Mate's job to see to the hearts that live in it. Miz Mary felt what was in our hearts just like I feel what's in Brad and Livvy's. I didn't have to dig too deep to find it. Once they find it again, everything else will work itself out."
"And what will you do if working it out means they both decide to leave?"
The blade stopped at the edge of his chin. "It'll break my heart, but I'll wish them well. I won't pressure them to stay if you'll help me bring them together. Brad needs to know that his past isn't a curse. He needs to know he's worthy of happiness." She followed the blade's recent path with her finger. "You, of all wolvers, should understand that."
"What about Livvy?"
"She's more like me."
"You mean someone taught her to swear?" he asked in pretended shock. "Do I want her on my side in a bar fight? Can she fix my truck?"
"Very funny, and in case you haven't noticed, I don't swear that much anymore. So no, she doesn't swear, not much anyway, and as long as you've got me, you won't have to worry about winning bar fights or fixing your truck."
She bent to kiss his nose, but he lifted her chin and caught her lips instead in a lingering kiss. Jazz welcomed it, enjoyed it, and then, undeterred, pushed him away.
"It's about pack, Griz. I thought every pack was like my father's. Livvy thought every pack was like Gilead. I know she didn't grow up in a bed of roses, but there were very few thorns. She was loved and cherished, pretty and sweet, and easy to like because she liked to please. She was smart and got good grades, and except for a little sneaking around when it came to Brad, she never caused any trouble. She took because it was freely given. She never had to work for any of it. She never met failure.
"She was Gilead's princess just like I was Queenie. Different packs, different reasons, but it's still one helluva shock to find out you're not nearly as special as you've been led to believe. I was lucky. Livvy wasn't. I met you and Gilead. Livvy met people who filled her head with growing doubts about the people she felt abandoned by. Then she met Terrence who filled her with doubts about herself. She's lost her confidence, Griz. She sees coming home as another failure. She thinks if she stays here she'll fall back into childhood. We need to keep her here long enough to see that isn't true."
"I hate to point this out, Hellcat, but isn't Brad part of the childhood she's rejecting?"
"He is, but I have a secret weapon."
"Care to share? Since it's obvious I'm not going to get laid tonight until I join the conspiracy."
Jazz patted his cheek. "I knew you'd catch on sooner or later."
"So, what is it, exactly, that you'd like me to do, other than order the virile male to hump the hot mama." If he expected her to laugh, he was disappointed.
"Force Brad to take the lead when the opportunity presents itself."
"I take that to mean you've already devised some insidious plan."
He shook his head and said what he always did. "What am I going to do with you, Hellcat?"
"I'm sure you'll think of something." She leaned down to kiss him and straddled his legs as she did so.
He laughed at the smear of soap that arced over her mouth when she pulled away. "Your mustache doesn't go with the sexy outfit you wore to soften me up."
"If you don't like it, you can always take it off."
"The mustache or the outfit?"
Jazz wiggled a little closer knowing her battle was won. "You're the Alpha. You decide."
~*~
Though the Mate hadn't specified a particular order for her goodwill errands, Olivia decided to begin at the beginning with a visit to Eban Hancock. But first, she had things to take care of at home.
She was up before her sister's alarm sounded and made it to the bathroom just as her father emerged.
"Morning, Daddy."
"Morning." He looked only half awake in spite of his shower and the mug of coffee in his hand. A slow grin brightened his face. "What has you looking so chipper? I haven't seen that kind of smile since you got home or you up so early for that matter."
Was she smiling? "I have things to do."
"Ah," he nodded knowingly, "Your Mama's right about that one ain't she, but don't go telling her I said so. Don't want that list 'o hers to get any longer." An alarm sounded from one of the bedrooms. "You'd best get a move on, then. The stampede's about to start."
Laughing, Olivia darted through the door.
She hadn't thought about Mama's Honey Do list in years. When Daddy lost his job to another layoff, or a short term job came to an end, he always suffered a mild depression. When he wasn't out looking for a new job, he'd sit at the kitchen table and stare at his empty mug for hours on end. Mama would coddle and coo over him for a few days and then she'd bring out the list of small repairs and chores that needed to be done. Daddy would look at the list and grumble.
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