"So, sounds like Bradley Dearest is back in the twins' good graces."
That earned her a frown, but a frown was better than stone. At least it recognized her existence.
"I was never out of their good graces."
"Matt told me you were sleeping in Justice's truck."
"My choice, not theirs."
Livvy didn't know why she had this urge to be mean when only a moment before she'd been missing their shared laughter and his touch. Maybe because she was willing to remember what she loved about him and he obviously didn't share the same kind of thoughts.
"What brought you back? No clean laundry?"
"No, your mother does my laundry. She needs the money. Justice wants to go to college, too. He's hoping for a scholarship, but no one's counting on it. No one's counting on him coming back, either, not permanently anyway. You taught them not to hope and plan, just like you taught me."
The pain in those words hit her like a blow. They knocked the wind from her.
"You never used to be cruel," she whispered when she could speak. "But maybe I taught you that, too."
"No. I've always known how to be cruel," he whispered back. "Learned it from the cradle. You only showed me the cost of the lessons."
The crowd hushed as their Alpha began to speak. Livvy tried to listen, but Brad's words echoed in her mind. She didn't understand them, but heard the finality in them. That sound destroyed the last glimmer of her dying hope.
She vaguely heard the Alpha talk of his pride in their new Hall and his thanks to all those who contributed to yet another symbol of the renewal of Gilead as a pack. She felt that pride as he sent it out in cascading waves over the pack. She felt it, and yet couldn't share in it. None of that pride was hers to claim.
While others had worked for the betterment of the pack, she'd been off in her own little world, spending her money on expensive shoes and clothes and never contributed a dime or a minute of time back to the wolvers who'd given her the most.
Even Miz Ezzy, the lowliest among them, had contributed. When the Alpha called out his thanks, she was standing up front by a side door that someone had propped open to relieve the smell that came from her ragged clothes. Surely, Livvy thought, the woman had the money to buy clean replacements now that Gilead Castings was turning a profit. This thought was confirmed by Ezzy herself.
"I'd been saving up those checks the Mate give me. 'Cept for a bit of food here and there, I been livin' off the land most of my life. I like who I am just fine and don't need no fancy food or clothes to prove otherwise. I don't need those checks, neither. Don't want 'em. Cain't even read the damn things and that's a fact. Woulda fed 'em to my boys except the Mate forbid it.
"So when I heard folks talkin' about bringing some life back into this old place, I figured those checks might be some help, so you don't owe me no thanks, Alpha. No one does. Fact is, it's me owes you. This pack's looked out for me through the worst of times, and now I can return the kindness, small as it may be. You just promise to keep feedin' my boys with any scrap this place provides and I wouldn't mind a cherry pie now and then long as it ain't store bought," she added. "Chemicals, you know." She grinned as she looked around the hall, showing wide gaps between yellowed teeth. "Turned out right purty didn't it? Gonna take some doin' to keep it that way." That was a pretty coherent speech for Miz Ezzy, though she ended it in typical Miz Ezzy fashion by shouting and pounding her fist into the air.
"Pack comes first! Now when we gonna eat, cause them vittles is gettin' cold."
"Ezzy's got a point," the Mate agreed with a laugh. "Our first annual Community Christmas Dinner is set up in the other room. God grant that there be many more to come. Merry Christmas, everyone."
With calls of good wishes for their Alpha and their Mate, the crowd melted away. Livvy turned to find that Brad Seaward had melted away, too, and the hole in her heart she so desperately wanted to fill grew larger.
Chapter 20
Behind the hall that had once been their church were four more rooms that, according to Mama, had once been the rooms where Sunday school was held as well as meetings for prayer circles and the Women's Guild. These would be the new school's classrooms. Livvy avoided them all except the one where the food was served, and that was hard enough.
It was freshly painted in a bright and cheerful yellow. The white woodwork gleamed under the overhead lights. The rows of shelves beneath the sparkling windows were empty, awaiting their new employment. Modern white boards that had replaced the old fashioned black ones covered one wall. There were no desks, only a series of long, folding tables that groaned under the weight of the platters and bowls of food that cover their surface.
Deep pans held huge roasts sitting atop roasted onions swimming in gravy. Steaks, pot roasts, and short ribs filled others. There were piles of pork chops nestled among noodles, ribs slathered in sweet and spicy sauces, and every kind of chicken dish known to the wolvers of Gilead. Roasted, fried, fricasseed, smothered, and casseroled, there wasn't a naked spot on the tables.
In between the meat, there were the requisite plates of deviled eggs and brightly colored concoctions of gelatin laced with vegetables or fruits disguised by the sweetness of the shimmering gel. There were bowls of mashed potatoes ready to be drowned in gravy, and roasted potatoes with carrots, onions, and celery. There were even a few bowls of green beans, peas, tomatoes, and corn. Breads were piled high in the center of each table.
There was more than enough food to feed the entire pack with plenty left over to fill the bellies of those who returned hungry from the Winter Moon run. It was a feast to behold.
Against the inner wall were more tables, these filled with treats seen only at this time of year. Even the poorest among them put aside a few dollars to spend on Christmas goodies. It was a tribute to the fellowship of the pack that all were willing to share the goodwill of the season.
This was Gilead, where pack came first, and pack took care of their own.
Livvy filled her plate like the others, but in spite of the tantalizing smells that should have had her salivating, she couldn't eat. Handing her plate off to Justice who was at that age where he could never eat enough, she wandered away from her family.
Her father followed her to the door through which they'd entered the hall. His hand caught hers as she reached for her coat buried among the many that were piled by the entrance. No coat check here, no tickets to prove ownership, only more folding plastic tables to hold the garments no wolver would dream of stealing.
"Livvybits." The pet name was one she'd given herself when she was a pup. It was a combination of Little Bits, as her father called her, and her name. No one but her father had ever called her that and he hadn't used it in years. "Tell me what's wrong," he said.
If he hadn't used that silly name, she might have been able to wave him off with some excuse about a queasy stomach and needing some air. Instead, her eyes filled tears and she buried her face in her father's chest. His arms closed around her with all the strength and comfort she remembered from her childhood.
"I can't stay in Gilead, Daddy. For a little while I thought I could go back to what I was, what I had. I can't."
Aunt Donna would have snapped impatiently, "What kind of nonsense is that? Of course you can."
Mama would have clucked consolingly like the mother hen she was. "Now, now, let's not make any hasty decisions. Give yourself time to think." As if Livvy hadn't been thinking since the day she decided to come home.
The Mate, well, Livvy had no idea what she would say since Jazz never reacted the way she expected.
"Thank God for that," her father said. He tightened his embrace just a little before he let her go and stepped back. He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Don't look so shocked. There's never any going back, Livvybits, only moving forward."
He dug out her coat from beneath the pile. "Put this on," he told her while he dug out his own. "Let's you and me go for a stroll. Out of earshot." He nodded toward the inner doorwa
y and winked at the sound of shuffling feet on the other side.
With his arm around her, Tom Dawson walked his daughter around to the back of the building and down the short path to the cemetery beyond. The path wasn't shoveled and the evidence of the twins' earlier visit was visible in the two tiny sets of prints that led to Dear Ernest's grave. The cement bench, perfectly sized for two and set low to the ground, was swept clear of snow.
Brad had done that little kindness for them. His much larger footprints circled the bench and Livvy could picture him wiping the snow away and stomping down the layer of snow at the front so the two could sit in reasonable comfort. His footsteps returned to the main path where he'd stood, ears freezing, while the two old ladies shared the celebration of the new Hall with the dead.
Her footprints should be next to Brad's, facing him while she warmed his ears with her hands, and scolded him in whispers.
The African violet the twins left on the headstone made Livvy smile sadly. It wouldn't last the night, but it didn't need to. Edith and Edna had paid their tribute and shared their happiness with the man they loved, and that was all that mattered.
To the right of the path, two graves stood side by side with a bouquet of red roses between them. Two sets of footprints led here, too. The Alpha and Mate must have visited before the pack arrived at the hall.
Livvy knew these two graves because she'd been there on the day they died. She'd howled out her mourning with the rest of her pack when they were laid to rest.
Leonard and Mary were the Alpha and Mate she grew up with and it was at Miz Mary's that she knelt. The old Mate had known what was in the young Livvy's heart. She'd felt it in her own, and she'd tried her best to prepare Livvy for the future. She remembered it like it was yesterday.
"You love him, don't you," she'd asked when they all thought Brad might be dead from the beating he'd received. "How does your wolf feel about that?"
Livvy knew how her wolf felt. She'd known it since the first time the she-wolf saw him. She was too embarrassed to say it in front of the other women, but Miz Mary knew, and she didn't try to dissuade the fifteen-year-old girl.
"You're full grown in body, but you still got some growing to do," the old Mate said instead. "If that boy's the wolver you think he is, he'll want the same for you as Harvey did for Donna and your Daddy did for your Mama. He'll want a mate with no regrets. Your Daddy claims you're smart as a whip and college bound. This pack is going to need folks with learnin' if it's gonna grow and prosper. You keep that in mind. I want your promise that you won't go running off and doing something foolish that both you and the pack'll regret later on."
Olivia had broken that promise and so many more. Brad had kept his. He was the man she thought he was. He wanted her to finish her education, not just high school as her uncle and her Daddy had, but college, too. He was willing to wait for her and in return, she had done what Miz Mary had made her promise not to. She'd run off and done something so foolish she would regret it for the rest of her life.
She fell to her knees before the grave.
"I'm sorry Miz Mary. I broke my promise and failed you, too."
Her father's gentle hand rested on her shoulder. "You haven't failed anyone but yourself, Livvy. Come on, get up before the knees of those jeans soak through. These are the graves I want you to see." He helped her to her feet, and then swung his arm wide over the cemetery.
Snow covered and clung to the stones, some so old the names were worn away. She knew that because she'd played among them as a child, never realizing what they meant.
"These were the wolvers who hung on through the good times and the bad," her father told her. "These were the wolvers who never lost hope, and if they clung to the old ways it was because the old ways gave them the strength to survive. If they didn't look too far to the future it was because that future was too dim. They only looked to tomorrow, but never lost hope that it would come, along with the next tomorrow, and the next. They built that future one day at a time. I didn't know any of these wolvers when I came to Gilead, but they're the reason I stayed."
"Not Mama?" she asked. She knew the story. Everyone did. How Mama's folks didn't care for the rough cut young wolver who came sniffing around their daughter, a daughter too young to know better. How Donna and Harvey, mated by then, provided a place and a means for the young couple to meet.
Tom laughed. "She was the start of it, I'll grant you that. She had my heart from the moment my wolf caught a whiff of her." He shook his head and became serious again. "But love ain't enough, Livvy, or so I thought back then. I had nothing to offer your Mama. Fact is, I was a no-account wolver from a pack of rovers. We travelled about in a dozen junk cars and trucks, camped where we could, did odd jobs when we could find the work, and stole what we needed when there was no work to be had."
Livvy couldn't stop her look of surprise. She hadn't heard that part of the story before, and Daddy was the most honest man she knew.
"Yep, your daddy has a past," he said, acknowledging the look. "Never saw a place like Gilead before. When an Alpha gave us permission to camp in his territory, we were usually set up as far from their pack as they could put us. Mostly, we only saw the older cubs curious about how we lived. Like runnin' away to join the circus, I guess, and we put on a good show, but the life we led was hard and leading to nothing but more of the same.
"Old Leonard was different from those other Alphas. He set us up in those fields right next to where the Alpha lives now. He invited us to join in. He was the one showed me these graves and told me about some of the wolvers resting here. He said they persevered. I didn't know what the word meant until he told me. He said these wolvers lived on hope. He told me how they built somethin' from nothin', and the wolvers of his pack were still trying to build somethin' from little more than nothin'. He told me how proud he was to be a part of that, and how proud he'd be to rest here among them someday.
"He was offering me a chance to be a part of that, too. He was offering me a chance to persevere, to give your mama and our pups more than I ever had. It was something I'd always dreamed of. Can't say I did the best job of it, but your Mama's still smiling at me in the morning and you pups turned out all right."
"You did do the best job of it, Daddy. No pup could ask for a better sire than you."
That earned her another hug. "Makes me happy you think so, honey, but I'm not telling you this 'cause I'm fishing for praise. I'm telling you this so you'll understand when I tell you I almost turned the Alpha's offer down."
"Why would you when it was what you always wanted?"
He shrugged. "Didn't think I deserved it. I'd done nothing in my life that said I earned the slice of heaven he was offering me. I'd lied and cheated and stole. Nothing could erase that part of me. That's where your mama comes in. She loved me, and she only saw the best in me. Still does. She showed me that it wasn't what I'd been, but what I was right then and what I would be in the future that makes all the difference."
He chuckled and shook his head. "I tried to tell her, but you know your mama, stubborn as the day is long. She wouldn't change her mind. She persevered." He smiled at his use of the term.
"Her love wore me down, made me want to prove her faith in me wasn't wasted. I still don't know if I'm deserving of it, but I thank the Good Lord for it every night before I sleep and I hope and pray that tomorrow brings me more of the same.
"Do you love Brad Seaward?" he asked, seemingly out of nowhere. "Truly love him, wolf and all?"
Startled by the blunt question, Livvy answered without thought. "I don't think I ever stopped." She knew her wolf hadn't. "That's why I can't stay, Daddy. That's the only reason I can't stay. I can't spend my days hearing his name, his voice, seeing him around the village. Even his footprints in the snow remind me of what I threw away."
Her dreams were worse. Sweet and tender, they were filled with laughter and lovemaking. They were wonderful dreams until she awakened to a sense of loss that was overwhelming.
&nb
sp; "Nothing will change how I feel. I can't turn the clock back," she said miserably. "It's too late for that."
"You can't turn it back, but you've still got time to rewind that clock and set it moving forward again. Perseverance, Livvybits, perseverance."
Livvy's laugh was bitter. "I know you think I can do anything I set my mind to, and I love you for it, Daddy, but this isn't about me anymore. It's about Brad, and he doesn't want me."
Her father waved that off with a laugh. "That wolver wants you more than anything in heaven or on earth. Any fool with two eyes can see it. That's the only thing that saved him from an ass whuppin' when he came to the house after you pulled that stupid stunt walking home in the cold."
The thought of her father giving Brad an ass whupping made her forget her misery if only for a moment. She giggled. "You would have lost the fight, you know."
Tom laughed with her, though with more chagrin. "There you go sounding more and more like your mama. She said the same thing. I'm too damn old to be running up against a young buck like Brad. So maybe that look in his eyes saved us both. You need to talk to that wolver, Liv. You need to make him talk to you. You need to put to rest whatever it is keeping you two apart."
"What if Brad doesn't want to talk? What if he doesn't want the same thing as me?"
"Oh, he wants it, honey. He wants it more than he knows."
Hope's glimmer began to shine again. Livvy did her best to tamp it down. "How do you know that? Have you talked to him?"
"Don't need to. It's that look in his eyes. It's still there if you look for it. It's the look of a desperate man hoping against hope. I've seen it before in my very own mirror."
"There you are." Coatless, Donna came rushing up the path rubbing warmth into her arms with her hands. "What are you two doing out here with the dead when we've got the living to tend to? You need to get on up to the shelterhouse and get that food and whatnot laid out for the cubs," she said to Livvy. "Don't think that feast in there is enough to keep young bellies full. They'll be looking for something five minutes after we get there. You mark my words. Your Uncle Harvey's got the track plowed and says your car'll be fine if you take it slow. They graded it out and filled in all the holes last summer. He'll be sending someone up to take care of the wood and the fire, and we'll follow along shortly with a truckload of hot chocolate and cubs. This is going to be the best skating party Gilead ever saw or I'll know the reason why."
Shifter's Magic (The Wolvers Book 8) Page 21
