I started walking over to her and then I stopped. I wasn’t sure that just walking up to her would be the right approach. I needed to be more subtle. I almost laughed out loud. I was anything but subtle.
I walked over to Bryce, a friend that was sitting on the couch with his acoustic guitar and sat next to him.
“Hey, man, can I play a song?” I interrupted his conversation with two hot cheerleaders and he passed me the guitar without answering. I started strumming some chords to see if it was in tune and after adjusting a few strings, I started to hum under my breath to warm up my vocal chords. I closed my eyes for a few moments as the impact of what I was going to do hit me. This was such an important moment and I was so scared that I was going to mess it up.
“Da da dum,” I started singing and as I started to play the familiar chords to Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud,” people started gathering around the couch. It wasn’t a song that Sage and I had grown up with, but the words were meaningful to me. Also, I knew my voice was unique enough that when she heard me singing, she would know it was me. At least I hoped she would still recognize my voice. We’d spent so many nights together singing under the stars. Music had brought us closer together. Music was all we had in the orphanage. Songs gave us hope, made us feel love, connected. I knew how hard it had been for Sage to connect with me. I knew how hard it had been for her to let me in. I knew that. I knew I didn’t really have a chance in hell to win her back. But I’d fight the devil with my bare hands if I had to. I’d do whatever it took to show her I loved her. Absolutely whatever it took.
“Oh my God, I love this song,” one of the girls chatting with Bryce suddenly exclaimed and started swaying back and forth. I smiled at her briefly, but my eyes were surveying the room. Would Sage turn around? Would she notice me? Would she even care?
“Well me, I fall in love with you every single day,” I sang, and it was then that I noticed her shoulders stiffening. She’d recognized my voice. I would bet money on it. I watched as her face started turning around to face the sound of the music. My eyes were glued to her body as she turned in what seemed to be like the slowest slow motion ever. And then it happened. Her eyes met mine. I watched as her pupils dilated, I watched as her jaw fell open, I watched as she blinked rapidly as if not believing what she was seeing. And then just like that, her face turned blank and she turned back around again quickly.
No smile had come to her face, no wave of recognition, no happiness to see me, not even a sign of anger. She’d been indifferent. She didn’t even care. The way she’d just turned around so casually, as if seeing me for the first time in five years had meant nothing to her. Was her heart not beating as mine had when I’d seen her again just two weeks ago? Was she not floating on a cloud of oblivion? Did she really hate me that much?
My heart sunk as I realized that maybe there was absolutely no chance left. I stopped the song abruptly and jumped up off of the couch. I wanted to head over to her. I wanted to talk to her. Yet, I was scared. For the first time in my life I was well and truly scared. And I’d been through a lot in life. I’d been to hell and back. However, I’d spent the last five years dreaming of the day when Sage and I would reconnect. When I’d be able to explain to her. Show her, prove to her that I loved her. I’d hoped she’d be willing to listen. Willing to give me a second chance. But at this point, I didn’t think that was possible at all. I didn’t even know if I’d even be able to get her to talk to me.
I had to come up with a plan. A plan that would make sure I got to spend time with her. A plan that ensured she would have to listen to me. And as I spied the guys sitting at the table across the room talking to Nina, it suddenly came to me. I knew exactly how to worm my way back into Sage’s life.
Chapter Seven
Sage
My heart was racing, and as I stood there I realized that I hadn’t understood a word that Nina had said before she’d gone off to some table in the corner. I was blinking back tears and trying to remember how to breathe as I stood there in the middle of the room. I felt like everyone was staring at me. As if they knew that one of the most momentous times in my life had just occurred.
I had just seen Jacob. How was that possible? My Jacob. No, not my Jacob anymore. Or really ever. He’d never really been mine. I wanted to look around again to see why he’d stopped playing the song so abruptly. It had been Ed Sheeran. I wouldn’t have thought Jacob would have liked him. Not that I really knew anything about Jacob now. What was he doing here? I knew that he’d seen me. He’d been looking right at me as I’d turned around. Our eyes had met and for a few brief seconds, all had seemed right with the world again. Until I remembered that he’d left me and never looked back. Then I’d turned back around again. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to know him. I just wanted to pretend that this moment had never happened.
“Sage, are you coming?” Nina’s voice called at me from across the room, where she was now sitting at the table. I looked over at her face, recognizing that her lips were moving, but I wasn’t able to comprehend what she was saying. What was she saying? And where was Jacob? My whole body wanted to search for him in the room. I wanted to find him again. Run over to him. And just study his face. I wanted to stare into his eyes again. Wanted to memorize the blues of his irises, wanted to see if he still had the same silky eyebrows and the perfectly long eyelashes that I died to have. I wanted to see if his two front teeth were still slightly crooked. I wanted to see if he still had the small scar on his chin. And if his hands were still warm and soft to the touch. I wanted to just run into his arms and hold him. I wanted to press my ear against his heart and fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. I wanted to do all of those things so badly. I wanted to. So badly. Badly. But I knew that I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t. He was no one to me now. Absolutely no one.
“Sage.” Nina was jumping up and down now. “Come please.”
“Okay.” The word slipped out of my mouth as if by magic. I had no idea how I’d spoken the word. My whole body still felt like the room had frozen in time. And it was still beyond my comprehension that life was still continuing as usual. “Coming.”
“Hurry, I’ve already lost twenty dollars.” She giggled as she continued to wave at me. I frowned at her words. What did she mean she had lost twenty dollars?
“What’s going on, Nina?” I asked as I approached the table and saw that there was a stack of playing cards and chips on the green felt. “Are you playing blackjack?”
“Poker.” She giggled. “And I suck more than I thought.”
“I didn’t know you played poker,” I said surprised as I looked at the amused looks of the guys playing with her.
“I don’t think she knew either,” one blond skinny guy said, and he high fived the guy next to him.
“You wanna play, hon?” the skinny guy asked me. “Fifty-dollar buy-in.”
“You told me twenty.” Nina pouted. “She’s my friend, don’t try and fleece her.”
“I’m not playing.” I shook my head. “Come on, Nina, I think you should stop as well.”
“I don’t want to stop. I want to keep on playing. It’s fun.”
“It’s not that fun, if you lose rent money.” I made a face at her.
“You won’t pay my share of the rent if I lose?” She grinned at me.
“Um, I can’t afford to pay your rent if you lose all your money. You know I’m here on a scholarship.”
“I know. I’m just kidding, Sage.” She laughed at me. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to expect you to pay my rent. If anything I can just call my dad and he will send me more money.”
“Okay.” I smiled at her, though inside I was starting to feel sad for myself. I wish I had a dad to count on if things went badly for me. I had no one. I was all on my own. If things went wrong for me, then I had to figure it out on my own. I had no one to count on. No one that could help me if things went badly. It scared me when I thought about it and my future. If I didn’t find a job as soon as I graduat
ed, I would be screwed. My scholarship and loans barely covered my tuition and rent, and there was nothing to save for after graduation. I tried not to think about it because it made me anxious and scared.
“Come on, Sage, why don’t you join us. Just for one small bet.”
“Yes, come on, Sage,” the guys at the table joined in.
“You guys just want to take my money.” I shook my head. “I don’t even know how to play.
“It doesn’t matter if you know how to play.” Nina giggled. “It’s all just for fun.”
“I don’t want to play.”
“I’ll give you the twenty dollars.” She pulled some bills out of her wallet that was still sitting on the table. “Play with this and see if you can win back both of our money.”
“Nina,” I said, trying to indicate with my voice that I wasn’t happy with the fact that she was trying to pressure me into something I didn’t want to do. Didn’t she know that I was unhappy right now? Couldn’t she sense my change of mood? I wanted to tell her off. I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t being a good friend right now, but I wasn’t sure how.
I wasn’t the sort of person that knew how to address personal issues and conflicts. I was scared of how the other person would react and if they would be mad at me. I didn’t want Nina to be mad at me. I didn’t want her to stop talking to me and think I was a bitch. I knew I needed to be more assertive. In my brain, I knew that if Nina would drop me because I told her off for crossing my boundaries then the friendship wasn’t a very strong one in the first place. And, even though I knew that mentally, I also knew that I still wouldn’t be able to tell her how I felt. It was one of those skills that I needed to develop. That’s how I knew that I could never go into business management. I just wouldn’t be good at the job. I’d never be able to reprimand anyone.
I looked at everyone’s faces as they waited for me to answer Nina. All I wanted to do was leave the party, but I knew that she wasn’t interested in leaving anytime soon. I also knew that I couldn’t leave her at the party alone. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to her. Even though everyone at the party seemed like they were nice; I also knew that you couldn’t really trust anyone. Especially boys that were drunk and rowdy. They’d be likely to get up to any and everything. And I knew that a lot of rapes happened at parties. Not that I thought it would happen, but I knew that it could and that made me cautious.
“Sure, count me in,” I said with a sigh and looked around. “Where shall I sit?” I couldn’t see any empty chairs.
“You can sit on my lap,” one of the guys said with a lecherous grin.
“No thanks.” I shook my head.
“Let me get you a chair.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Get two chairs. I want to play as well.” A familiar voice sounded from behind me and I turned around instinctively, my heart thudding. I knew who it was before I even saw his face. How could I not recognize his voice after all those hours talking late at night?
“Hi, Sage,” he said softly, and my eyes stared into his. The words sounded so familiar and sweet rolling off of his tongue and I tried not to react in too visceral of a way. I couldn’t respond to him. I didn’t know how. What could I say after all these years?
“Hi.” I nodded and turned my face away from him. I was burning up inside. “Hello,” I said again. I didn’t want to say his name out loud for fear it would make me start shouting or crying. Or maybe both at the same time.
“Long time no see,” he said, with a crack of a smile, his eyes searching mine.
“Yeah,” I responded. There was nothing else for me to say at this point. I didn’t want to make a comment that it was because of him that we had fallen out of contact. It wasn’t for my lack of trying. I had sent him letter after letter and he had never responded. Why didn’t you respond to my letters? I wanted to scream and shout. How could you have left me? And the biggest question of all, did you ever love me? Though I wasn’t sure that I wanted the answer to that. It would kill me to hear him say no. It would absolutely kill me.
“Okay, here are two chairs. Jacob, the buy-in is twenty dollars.” The guy arrived back at the table with a grin, I knew he thought that there would be an easy twenty dollars from me and most probably from Jacob. I stopped myself from grinning at the knowledge that he had no idea that I had grown up playing poker with Jacob. A deck of cards was the only game we’d had at the orphanage and we’d played a variety of different card games almost nightly for years. Not that anyone knew that, aside from Jacob and me. It wasn’t really the sort of thing I talked about and I wasn’t about to let everyone at the table know that now.
“No worries,” Jacob said as he took a seat, he winked at me briefly, his eyes twinkling and as he stared at me, I blushed. For a few seconds, it actually felt like we were still in the past. I took a seat and nodded at everyone as I accepted the twenty dollars that Nina was passing me across the table; with a very inquisitive look in her eyes. I know she was wondering how Jacob had known my name. I looked away from her as I didn’t want her to ask me something right now. In front of him.
“So, Nina, you’re big blind this time and Josh, you’ll be small blind,” the guy said as he started shuffling a deck of cards.
“We need chips first,” Jacob said as he indicated toward me.
“Money please.” The guy grinned and I handed him the twenty that Nina had handed me. He then passed me a stack of red and black chips and I placed them down in front of me. “The black chips are dollars and the red chips are quarters.”
“Nothing smaller?” Jacob asked the question that was on my mind as well.
“Well, the white chips are ten cents.” The guy made a face. “Do you really want to play with ten cents?”
“Yes,” I said, and Jacob gave me a smile. I looked away from him without smiling back at him. “Let’s get going,” I said and looked at Nina, trying to indicate that I didn’t plan on playing for a long time.
* * *
“Okay, it looks like Jacob and Sage were playing us this whole time,” Josh said as he handed out the cards. Jacob and I were the only ones left in the game with everyone else having lost their money. I could feel the tension in the air. Jacob was giving me a teasing look, but I was avoiding eye contact with him. He couldn’t know what I was thinking or feeling. He couldn’t know that I wanted more than anything to beat him at this moment. Oh, how badly, I wanted to beat him and take it all. I had gone up to a hundred dollars with Nina’s twenty and I was feeling quite proud of myself.
“All in?” Jacob said as he looked at his two cards.
“Feeling quite positive are you?” I said as I glanced at my cards and then back at him. I had an ace and king of clubs, and while it wasn’t the best hand, it was still quite good. I had a good chance at getting two aces or kings, or even five clubs. I knew that Jacob liked to bluff quite a lot and he would go all in with a three and four of different suits to make his opponents feel like he had a great hand when he had crap. I knew that this was all part of the fun for Jacob. Oh, how well I knew him. I stared at his face for a few seconds, trying to determine if he was bluffing or if he really had a good hand. I couldn’t tell from his expression. Though I guess I’d never really been able to read him that well. I’d never thought he would have left me as he had, and I’d been wrong then. Very, very wrong. I wasn’t going to let him outsmart me this time.
“How much do you have in the pot?” I asked as Nina gasped.
“You’re not really going all in are you, Sage?”
“Perhaps.” I shrugged. “So how much?”
“Three hundred dollars,” Jacob said smoothly, and I gasped.
“I don’t have that much.” I shook my head. “I can just go all in with what I have.”
“Or we can make this interesting,” Jacob said softly, and it was at this point, that I really looked into his eyes. His blue irises were piercing into mine, searching for something. I didn’t want to know what. I didn’t
want him to come with more lies and promises.
“That’s okay.” I shook my head.
“You haven’t even heard what he was going to say,” Nina said loudly, she was way too drunk, and I glared at her.
“I don’t need to hear. I’m not interested in making this any more interesting than it is right now.”
“C’mon, Sage, let’s just hear what he has to say,” Nina implored. “As long as you’re not trying to make this strip poker.” She pointed her finger at Jacob. “Sage is not the sort of girl that would be interested in strip poker. She’s a good girl.” She grinned at me and I tried not to groan out loud.
“No, not strip poker,” Jacob said with a sly smile. “I said something interesting.”
“So what is it?” I said, curiosity finally getting the better of me.
“I’ll tell you if you agree to it.”
“Well, tell me and then I’ll let you know.”
“You have to agree to it first.”
“But I don’t even know what I’m agreeing to.” I shook my head. “What am I, crazy?”
“I don’t know, are you?” he asked, and his question seemed loaded.
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not.”
“Fine, I’ll tell you,” he said, and he leaned forward. I tried not to notice how the front of his hair fell forward. I tried not to notice as he ran his fingers through his hair and how silky it looked. I stopped myself from leaning forward to run my hands through his hair. I took a deep breath. This whole situation was surreal. How could this be possible? I hadn’t seen him in years and yet here he was in front of me and we were playing poker like the old days, as if we didn’t have a care in the world. As if he hadn’t broken my heart. As if he hadn’t just stopped talking to me as if I were nothing.
Carry My Heart Page 4
