by Sara Hubbard
He takes me by complete surprise and I’m confused, unsure of how best to respond. It’s been so long since he’s touched me, so long since I smelled his perfect blend of aftershave, mint gum, and musky deodorant. I touch his shoulders lightly at first, pat them hesitantly, but when his head drops to my shoulder and I hear him sigh, it’s like no time has passed since we played hide and seek by the light of the summer moon. I’m Annie and he’s Ethan, the guy who couldn't afford to take me on our first date, so he took me on a picnic by the Atlantic Ocean with poorly made peanut butter and jam sandwiches instead. He’s the man I loved more than my life. The man I couldn’t live without.
It escapes me for a moment why I pushed him away, why I couldn’t fight harder for us. But that nagging voice in my head reminds me, even as I stand here in his warm arms. I’m not good enough for him—not good enough for anyone. Isn’t that what my mother and countless foster homes showed me? And even if I was, circumstances pulled us apart.
I let him lean on me for a moment or two, rubbing his back to soothe him. Seeing his brother vulnerable and in a hospital bed with pumps and needles and bandages attached to him had to hit Ethan hard.
“It’s okay, Ethan,” I whisper in his ear. “He’s just fine.”
He takes a deep breath and abruptly pulls away, washing his hands over his face to try to hide his emotions. He was never very good at that. He wears his heart on his sleeve. Always. He turns from me and takes a few paces before spinning back around.
“It’s really good to see you, Annie,” he says, his voice choked.
“You, too.”
“Sure it is.”
He doesn’t believe me. Seriously? How can he think I wouldn’t be happy to see his face? To hold him in my arms? We meant everything to one another once upon a time. If he means it, why is it so hard to believe that I do, too?
“You work here?” he asks.
“Yeah. I finished school in the spring.”
“Congratulations.”
Sincere. I think. “Thank you.”
“You’re Manny’s nurse?”
I nod as I fold my arms protectively across my chest. “I was yesterday and today. I’m off work now, so I guess I’m not technically his nurse at this exact moment and Kiley is now, but I will be tomorrow—probably—because they like to keep us with the same patients for continuity of care and...” Shut up, Annie. I’m talking a mile a minute.
He smirks at me.
“This is ridiculous.” I brush my hair back and off of my face and in a strained voice, I ask, “Tell me how not to make this weird.”
“It’s just me, Annie. Same guy who fell asleep in your bed when I couldn’t stand the noise in my house. The same guy who took you to prom, kissed you under the stars and gave you chicken pox before high school graduation.”
“I almost forgot about that.” I glance up at the small circular scar that chicken pox etched above his left eye. I used to kiss him there once upon a time. Kissed all of his scars, new and old. He once told me he was collecting scars because he got more kisses. I called him a dork, but secretly I loved it. I loved that he loved to love me. It made it okay for me to love him back. Something I've never really been good at.
“I wish I could forget,” he says. His expression changes and it’s a mixture of sadness and anger.
I hurt him. I know it. But I had to. He loves hockey and he was always meant to go pro. Unfortunately, that meant he could never stay here in Nova Scotia, and I could never leave my Nan while she was sick and needed me the most. Besides, didn’t I always tell myself growing up I would never be like my mother? I would never throw my life into upheaval for a guy, only to have them use me and toss me aside. No matter how much I wanted to go with Ethan, I couldn’t give up school to follow him around while he traveled and played hockey. So where did that leave us?
Forever apart.
I didn’t tell him all of this when I ended things though. Nope. I had to spin it, had to piss him off so he would let me do what I needed to do. This resulted in my ranting about the girls I saw him with in the tabloids and how much I didn't trust him to stay faithful. Man, I thought he would come through the phone when I said that to him. I’ve seen him angry before, and he’s scared me more than a little, but I never felt his anger more than in that moment.
And I wonder why he never came back for me? I shake my head at my foolishness.
“I don’t know what to say right now...don’t know what to do. I thought you hated me,” I say.
“Oh, I did. Not sure if I don’t still. But I don’t really have the heart for it while you’re looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like the way you used to...before I left.”
“Ethan...”
“Don’t worry,” he says. “I got your message loud and clear. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though. If only for what we used to have before it got all complicated.”
He clears his throat and breaks away from our intense gaze. “So I was waiting for the doctor, but the nurses told me he wouldn’t be in until the morning. They kind of told me what happened, but didn’t go into too much detail.”
“Maybe you should really wait for the doctor.”
“No. I want you to tell me. I trust you, not some quack with a PhD and an attitude.”
I frown at him. He’s hasn’t had the best experience with doctors since his mom got sick. I suppose I can’t blame him, for the way they told his family about his mother. I was there, holding Ethan’s hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ the doctor said without a trace of emotion. ‘The cancer has spread. She’s going to die and if I could guess, I would say she has a month. Maybe two.’ Then he walked away, leaving Ethan and his family in shock and without any answers. I remember committing the doctor’s name to memory, vowing I would never let him care for me or anyone that I cared about, ever again. Sometimes, I see him around the hospital and, to my dismay, he’s still the same. Blunt and unfeeling. He delivers his news without thought for the hearts he shatters. I suppose he’s the reason I became a nurse. To make sure life-altering moments like that never happen again, that patients and their families are always considered and respected.
So here I am, able to make Ethan suffer a little less by answering his questions. Making him wait for a doctor to find out about Manny is cruel. No, I can’t do that to Ethan. Not when I know he’ll only imagine the worst.
“The knife perforated one of his kidneys and they had to remove it. He’s on some pretty strong antibiotics to make sure he doesn’t develop an infection, but other than that he should be fine.”
“He can live with just one? It’s not going to cause any problems?”
“His other kidney is healthy and it’ll adapt to accommodate the workload.” I offer a tentative smile. “He’ll be fine, Ethan. I promise.”
Ethan shakes his head and leans back against the glass window to Manny’s room where the curtains are pulled closed. “All this for a girl.” His voice is acid and I know that comment was meant as much for me as it was for his brother.
“I guess so.”
“Idiot,” Ethan says, looking down at the ground.
I’ll ignore that. “Have you been home yet?”
Ethan glances at me in disbelief. “Why the fuck would I do that?”
“Because Manny is living there.”
He doesn’t look shocked, and I find myself irritated that he would let his brother stay there. I pace the hallway before deciding against minding my own business. “Your dad is a mess. He’s nothing but skin and bones and the house is in ruins. Manny shouldn’t go back there.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m taking Manny with me when I leave.”
Leave? The very word makes me feel as if I’m being strangled. Yes, we’re not together anymore and I don’t intend on starting anything up with him—especially since I’m with someone else—but hearing him say he’s leaving...it makes my heart break all over again. And it shouldn’t. I know that. I ended it. Not him. And I
’m sure he’s moved on.
“That’s probably a good thing...but your dad—”
“Fuck Dad.”
I open my mouth, but snap it shut. Not my business anymore. Their father is slowly killing himself and there is nothing anyone can do about it. But he needs help, even if he was a bastard to Ethan and Manny. It takes all the energy I can muster not to say this to Ethan. But in the end, I keep it in, and I’m proud of myself for it. Usually, I don’t have such self-restraint.
I glance at my watch and fidget with my hands. “Look, I should probably go, and I’m sure you want to spend some time with your brother.”
He scoffs at me, muttering under his breath.
What does he want me to do? Stay here and continue to have some superficial conversation where we dance around everything that happened between us? No, thank you. “I’m tired, Ethan. I just worked twelve hours and I work nights tomorrow. I need to get some sleep.”
“Right.”
I turn on my heel, silently hoping he says something to break this weird vibe between us. That he’ll say something to make me remember how comfortable I once was when we were around each other. I only get four steps away before he calls out to me, and I swear the sweet, quiet way his lips speak my name make me weak in the knees.
“Annie! You want to get a coffee?”
Just seeing his perfect blue eyes and his shy smile makes me want to say yes, but I can’t. I know it’s better to leave things as they are. Maybe now that he doesn’t hate me we can be friends, but open up old wounds and see how far that gets us.
“Thanks, Ethan. But I should go.” I continue walking, my whole body starting to shake as I put more distance between us. When I turn at the nurse’s station, I am surprised to look back and see him still standing there.
His face is impassive and from the set of his jaw, I can tell he’s angry. No, he’s pissed. That I didn’t have coffee with him? I don’t know. He couldn’t be mad about that. Could he? Maybe. I just don’t know.
And I tell myself, not very convincingly, that it doesn’t matter. The truth is, it does. It matters a lot.
He jogs toward me. The nurses eye me before scrambling around the counter of the desk to watch Ethan’s muscular body move forward, all sexy-like, his dark hair fanning out around his face.
I glare at them and they giggle quietly, folding their arms over the desk to enjoy their front row seats to my love life. “Oh, for crying out loud,” I murmur with a roll of my eyes.
Ethan reaches me and pulls me off to the side. “I need to get out of here for a little bit,” he says quietly so my co-workers don’t hear. “Hospitals...they...”
“I know,” I say softly.
“I’ll be here when he wakes up, but...”
“He’s on some pain killers and he’ll probably sleep until morning. You should get some sleep. You look...tired.”
“I didn’t sleep much last night. I didn’t even know Manny had surgery until yesterday.”
“I know.”
“So...let’s just put aside all the shit between us for a little while and you keep me company while I get some coffee.”
I bite my lip, considering.
“It’s just coffee, Annie.”
“I don’t drink coffee,” I tell him.
He smirks at me. “I guess I knew that. I don’t drink it anymore either.”
I can’t help the smile that follows. “An hour?”
“That's it.”
I turn on my heel and we walk in step to the elevator, the nurses clapping and whistling at us once we pass them. I’ll have to give them hell for that tomorrow.
“Friends of yours?” Ethan teases.
“Not anymore,” I joke back.
“I think they like me.”
“They don’t know you.” I bite my lip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“It’s fine,” he says, waving me off. “I know you’re teasing.”
The elevator doors ding and slide open. Ethan waves me forward and then comes in after me. We don’t talk much on the elevator, but it’s not a bad thing. The silence doesn’t carry the same quality as it did earlier. It’s comfortable, like it used to be when we were friends. I miss comfortable silences. I’ve never managed to have them with anyone but him—not with friends, not with Charlie. Not even with Nan.
We reach his car in the parkade. He unlocks his doors with a button and like the gentleman I remember, he opens the door for me.
“Thanks,” I say.
“I treat a lady like a lady,” he answers back, making those butterflies dance in my tummy. I thought they’d vanished when he did, never to return, but somehow I know that he’ll always make me feel this way, no matter how many other men and women come between us. He’ll always be my first kiss, my first love, and my first partner. He’ll always be special and I know I will be for him, too. No matter if we can’t ever have more.
He climbs in his side of the car and pulls away from the curb. Every few seconds or so I glance over at him and in the dim light of the dashboard, I commit his features to memory. I mean, I’ve always had a vision of him in my mind, but he’s changed some. His jaw is a little thicker, probably from his constant clenching. His nose is a little more crooked from his regular fighting during hockey games. And his eyes, once bright with a sparkle, seem to have lost a little bit of their shine. I hope this doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. I don’t want him to ever be unhappy.
“How’ve you been?” he asks after clearing his throat.
“Good. You?”
“Perfect. Just fantastic.” Of course he’s lying. He doesn’t even try to hide the sarcasm from his voice.
“You sound it.”
“Well, my brother just got stabbed, so there’s that...”
“And?” I prompt.
“And...I don’t know. I suppose I got everything I ever wanted.”
“You’ve come a long way. I haven’t...um...been watching you play or anything, but I hear people talking and they say you’re game is improving. That you’re scoring goals and getting assists. That’s good, right?”
He shakes his head. “All those hockey games you came to and you still don’t know the game, do you?”
I make a face. “I went to support you, but it was never really my thing.”
“Yeah, I know. We never talked hockey. Sure, you’d listen to me, but you always made me talk about other stuff too. Now...no one wants to talk to me about anything but hockey.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
He bites his lip and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Nothing. Anything.”
“If you need me, I’m always here.”
“That’s not the impression I got from you the last time we talked.”
“Ethan... This is really hard. I just needed some time to get over you before I could be your friend again.”
“So you’re over me now?”
“Are you?”
He doesn’t bother to answer, but I sense his response when he grips the wheel harder, the muscles in his fists straining.
“I’m with someone now,” I say quietly.
“Hmm. I guess I knew it was only a matter of time...”
“What about you?” I ask.
He scoffs at me. “No. I’m not with anyone. Hard to tell the girls who genuinely like me from the girls who like Ethan Michaels, the hockey player.”
“Sorry.”
“It is what it is.” Ethan pulls into the parking lot of a diner just outside of the city. He shuts off the engine, but doesn’t get out and I follow his lead. “Let’s not make this weird, okay?”
“Sure.”
He glances at me, his gaze intent. “I mean it. Can we just be Ethan and Annie for a couple of hours?”
What the hell am I doing? I’m with Charlie. I care about Charlie. Ethan is here for his brother and after a few days he’ll be gone and that will be the end of it. There will be no proposal, no pleading for me to come with him, just like there wasn’t
when he was twenty and I was in my first year of nursing school. I’ll be left broken hearted and I can’t go through that again. I barely survived it the first time. But he seems so upset about his brother and I still care about him so much that I can’t say no to him. Not now. Not like this. He needs me right now, and I can’t turn away from him. Not after all we’ve been through together.
We settle into the booth at the diner. There are a lot of curious eyes on us and I know they recognize Ethan. It makes me smile at his accomplishments until a pretty waitress with a size zero waist and a dazzling smile comes over to take our order. She can’t take her eyes off of Ethan.
“Oh my God,” she says. “You’re Ethan Michaels, aren’t you?”
He smiles pleasantly at the girl.
“Can I get your autograph?”
“Sure.” He signs her notepad and after she stares longingly at it, she finally regains her composure and takes our orders. I roll my eyes as she walks away. “How often does that happen?”
He shrugs. “Often.”
“I bet you love it.”
“I did at first, but it gets old real quick. Then you get these people who cling to you because of what you do and not who you are. This business...” He shakes his head. “No one says no to me. Not one person. Everyone wants to please me, get me to endorse their products, sign their contracts, do this, do that for them. Sometimes I miss life before all of this.”
“You said it yourself, you have everything you ever wanted, Ethan.”
“Yeah,” he says. “But maybe nothing I need.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“Nothing. I’m just thinking out loud.” He takes the salt shaker and slowly turns it around and around on the table. A nervous habit? He never could keep his hands still when he was nervous.
My phone rings and I don’t move to answer it.
Ethan raises an eyebrow. “You going to answer that?”
No. I know who it is and answering right now will only make me feel worse than I already do. I know I’m not technically doing anything wrong. Ethan and I are having coffee, but it’s not just coffee. There is no ‘just’ when it comes to Ethan and me.
But the longer he stares at me, the worse I feel. I snatch my phone and hear Charlie’s sweet voice on the other end.
