by Sara Hubbard
“It doesn’t matter.” I wave him off. “I got into it with her and she took off. I found her at her Nan’s and we just hung out for a while.”
“So you know then?”
“That Nan died?” I narrow my eyes at him. “Thanks for that. Dick. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know till after the funeral. Then it just didn’t seem right telling you. What could you do then?”
“You didn’t even check up on her?”
“Why? She quit you.”
“Don’t be pissed at her for it.”
“I’m not. It’s just...am I going to have a relationship with her? After what she did to you?”
“She didn’t do anything to me.”
Manny laughs without humor. “She fucking destroyed you. You went off the rails, man. Drinking and fighting. You’re lucky you only got anger management and community service after knocking out that tabloid photographer. You could have gotten your ass thrown in jail—long-term.”
“Had nothing to do with her.”
“Bullshit.”
“Don’t blame her. Everything I did is on me, not her.”
“Still protecting her. Even after she broke your heart.” He holds his hands over his heart and mimics his heart beating.
I glare at him. Fool. He’s right, but I’m not about to admit to that. Yeah, I did go off the rails because I couldn’t handle my feelings. My mom once told me that even though I was big and strong, I had just as big a heart, one that was likely to get broken many, many times. That I felt things more deeply than other people. I told her she was foolish, but I liked that she thought of me this way. She’d tell me this while smiling at me, touching my cheek. Lovingly. I love the way she loved me. No wonder Dad changed for her. She was worth it. Just like Annie is. Mom was wrong though. Sure, I feel things deeply, but I wouldn’t get my heart broken over and over. Just once. By one woman.
“Screw off, man. Finish your breakfast. I got shit to do today.”
“Something or someone?”
“I swear to God—”
Manny chuckles and thankfully heeds the warning in my voice. I don't hear another word about Annie until I leave to pick her up a few hours later.
11
ANNIE
I wait for Ethan on my porch. I’m nervous, though I shouldn’t be. He’s the same as he’s always been. Loving, attentive, protective. My best friend. I guess it’s because a lot has happened in the past few years and we have so much to catch up on. And we have some difficult conversations coming... I can’t get away from how I left him. He deserves answers. Now I can give them, now it doesn’t hurt so much.
I gently rock back and forth on the swing, pushing off with my toes. The air is warmer today, almost like a promise of spring. In fact, I see some leaves starting on the trees by the house. I love spring. It’s perhaps my favorite season. Especially after long winters. Shoveling is my least favorite activity and I had to do so much of this year. We had one of the worst winters in decades.
I hear the gentle purr of an engine approaching and my pulse quickens. I lick my lips, and smooth my hair. I didn’t do much to my appearance, but then, I never do. I never have. I prefer not to be seen. Jeans and a button-down flannel shirt and fleece was all I managed today. This is Ethan. I don’t have to try with him. I can just be me. This thought makes me let go of the breath I’m holding.
He appears behind the trees and slows by the driveway, making his way down, the car swaying back and forth. I see the smile on his face and I mirror it. I feel like a girl with a crush and it embarrasses me. The heat in my belly rises up through my chest to rest in my neck and cheeks. Why does this feel so new?
I stand as he opens the door and jogs up the walk. We meet at the steps. He’s clean-shaven and his usually wild hair is combed back. “Hey,” I say quietly.
“Hey,” he says back.
“So where are we off to?”
He shakes his head. “It's a surprise.”
Okay. I like surprises.
He opens the car door for me and waits until I fasten my seat belt before shutting the door. In seconds, he rounds the car and climbs in, revving the engine. My hands sweat and I rub them up and down my jeans, still surprised at how much this feels like a first date. I know it's not and I don't want it to be. This is supposed to be Dutch and Annie. Just friends. I realize how foolish I was to think this day could happen like that. We’re not just friends. We never will be. Once we crossed that line something shifted in me—and I know it did for him, too. We can't go back. In this moment, I'm okay with that.
“Stop thinking,” he says as he puts his arm around my shoulders to look back and reverse the car. He flashes me a grin and I shake my head, trying to do what he asks.
“You know me,” I say. “Not sure I can turn it off.”
“Nothing happens today without your say so.”
“Okay.” I know he means that. The problem is my heart wants way more than my head. My head needs to win this battle, but it might not be strong enough.
We drive to the end of my road, turning off onto Forest Lane; a narrow street with more dirt on it than gravel. As we near the base of Greenhill, we climb up the winding blacktop, heading for the lookout. My mind is still spinning, but not about here and now. I’m reliving some of my favorite memories. The first time Ethan took me here, I was seventeen and he was eighteen. We were still friends then. In fact, I think I might have been dating someone on the football team—someone who hated Ethan with a passion. He eventually broke up with me because he thought I cheated on him with Ethan. No one ever understood us. We were always together. Always. But only after high school did we date—though it was brief. But I’ve never felt the level of completeness again as I felt when he held me and showered my face with kisses and promises of forever.
“I love you,” he said, before our first kiss. “I'll always love you.” I didn’t say it back in that moment. I felt it, but I didn't believe in love, so I didn't trust how strongly I felt for him, the pull that always seemed to keep me close to him wherever he went—until he got on that plane to Philly.
I glance over at Ethan and he smiles. Then he reaches over and puts his hand around the back of my neck, caresses my skin with his thumb to send shivers to the base of my hair and down my back.
“The lookout?” I say, with a raised brow.
“No. I’m not that predictable, am I?”
I nod. Yeah, you really are. Sometimes, his unpredictability makes him predictable—at least where his temper is concerned. Very much so.
So it surprises me when he takes another turn to wind around the hill and then we descend, the car picking up speed until he slows to go over a bump in the road.
“Now I'm intrigued.”
He laughs at me. “We’ll be there soon. Talk to me while I drive.”
“What do you want me to talk about?”
“Everything. Tell me all about what I missed.”
“Hmm.” I shift in my seat, turning in toward him, my bent knee touching the side of his thigh. Absentmindedly he lowers his hand to rest it on my knee and begins caressing me again.
The reasons for my ending us start to escape me. Yes, I couldn't leave Nan. Never. But she's gone now. So why am I still resisting? If he asked me to leave now, could I?
“Stop it,” he says, slapping my leg. “Start talking.”
“Right. School was hard. I didn’t go out much, just spent a lot of time in the library, studying. But I finished school. With honors,” I say quietly, lowering my eyes.
“That's awesome. Nan must have been cheering for you.”
“Yeah, she was. Up front with her camera. I swear I couldn't see during my walk across the stage because of the flashes. Just click, click, click. She took ninety-eight photos that day.”
Ethan chuckles. “She was always proud of you. I’m glad she made it to your graduation.”
“Yeah...” I shake off thoughts of Nan. Thinking about her only makes me sad and I don't
want to be sad right now. I want to enjoy here and now and Ethan. “So I applied for some jobs, got some interviews. Rawdon called first.”
“You applied out of county?”
“Yeah, but just close by. I would have commuted to the city if I couldn't get a job in Rawdon.” I lean my head back against the headrest, Ethan's soft hands still rubbing my leg. My whole body sinks into the seat and the tension I often carry in my shoulders relaxes. “I've been working there ever since. I took a few weeks off when Nan passed, but then...I found it better when I kept myself busy.”
“And this guy, this doctor…how did that happen?”
“You really want to talk about him, Ethan?”
“You always used to talk about your boyfriends with me. And I'm curious. Especially since...”
“Since?”
“You told me you didn't want a relationship anymore. Obviously you changed your mind or you wouldn’t be with him.” He raises an eyebrow at me.
I put my hand on his. “Ethan, that's not what that was about. You know that,” I say, referring to our breakup.
“Anyway, go on.”
“We work together. We started talking during breaks. He’d come up on night shifts and sit with the nurses. One day he just asked me out and I said no. Then he asked again and again. Not pushy or anything, but persistent. Eventually I said yes.”
“And then?”
“Ethan, this feels awkward.”
“I'm interested.”
I sigh and continue. “I don't know. We hang out maybe a few times a week. I see him at work because lately I'm always at work. But he got more serious about me than I was about him.” I lick my lips. “I tried to break it off last night.”
He turns to me, his face serious. “Tried?”
“He doesn't want to break up so he asked me to give it some more thought.”
“And you told him to fuck off, of course?”
I frown at him. “No, I felt guilty. I told him I'd think about it.”
“And have you?”
“You're so pushy.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I need to end it. I just chickened out when he got upset.”
“So you're mostly single?” A sly smile creeps up along his lips and I punch his shoulder, forcing him to laugh at me and me to laugh at him.
Ethan turns down another road, between rows of tall, thick trees. I've never been here before so I sit up a little straighter, interested.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“You said you like surprises.”
“I lied. Tell me.”
“Nah. I think I'll wait.”
Another half mile down the road we veer to the left and that's when I see it. A large, factory-like building with few windows and double doors at the front. The parking lot is compacted dirt. I can’t remember what this place was once used for, a cannery maybe? The metal siding looks new, painted in a pale blue.
“What is this?”
“You'll see.”
He pulls over in front and jogs around the front of the car to let me out. He flips though his keys and when he finds what he's looking for he holds it out and we approach the double doors.
After opening the door, he ushers me in and I'm in almost complete darkness.
“I can’t see my hands in front of my face.” I’m frozen in place, not enjoying the mystery in the dark.
The door slams shut, making me jump. I must have made a sound, because I feel the warmth of his arms as they wrap gently around my waist. His breath is in my face and I’m swallowing hard, thinking about what it would be like to taste him. He leans in, “Good things come to those who wait.” His voice is soft, sexy and my body is aching, begging for him.
One of his arms leave my side and I close my eyes, expecting it to reach for my face, instead, I hear a click and bright lights shine from behind my eyelids. My eyes flash open and I look over my shoulder, surprised at what I find.
12
ETHAN
I’m nervous to show her my secret. I've been looking into this old building for the last six months, a dream in mind. All I had were pictures and memories I had as a child. Once upon a time, this rusted and abandoned building was where my brother and I used to come to play ball hockey. As a kid, I struggled to get ice time, and I had to save my money to buy equipment for hockey. After Mom died and Dad reverted to becoming his old drunk self, he lost his job. Anything my brother and I needed from that point on we had to pay for. I’ll admit I stole some stuff. Some pucks. Tape, some pads. I felt guilty, though and got a job soon after. Planted trees, mowed lawns, painted houses. I never had new things and all my stuff was second hand. But it was mine.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I've reacted to losing Annie, particularly my penchant for hurting people. I had to take a long hard look at myself. I wanted to do something to make up for all the shit I've done. So I thought about buying this building, helping some people who need help, like I did.
“Ethan?” Annie asks, turning to me, expectant.
I take her hand and lead her down the hallway toward the rink. We pass through the entrance to the ice. The stadium seating is already complete, though there are nowhere near the amount of seats I’ve become accustomed to. Recently, the ice was made and polished to a sheen. The Plexiglas is so clear I might miss it.
“I bought this place about six months ago. My job isn't forever and I know that. One injury and the game is over. So I thought maybe I’d set something up that I could work on, something that I could do if something happens. This is going to be a free rink for kids who can't afford ice time.”
“This is amazing,” she says. Her eyes light up and tug at my heart.
“I was going to have someone run it, maybe someone I used to play hockey with back in high school or maybe even Manny, now that he’s unemployed. He used to be pretty good at hockey. And I hear Talbot is still coaching, maybe he might want to come here. Do summer training camps and stuff.”
“Yeah, that would be great. I bet there are lots of businesses who might want to donate, too.”
“Now I'm thinking maybe I might come here in the summer when I have some downtime and help teach.” I look down at my feet, not sure how she'll feel about me coming back to town more frequently. Truth is, I didn't consider this when I came up with my plan. I was still too angry with her. Now it seems like the best idea I’ve ever had. I’ll have to wait for the doctor to get his ass out of the picture, but it seems as if he’s already been served his walking papers.
She walks over to me and looks up, forcing me to meet her eyes. “I think that sounds great.”
“Does it?”
“Yeah, it really does.”
I take her soft hand in mine and lead her to the stadium, toward two pairs of hockey skates, one in my size and one in a size I hope will fit her. “Um, size five?” I ask, unsure. I can't imagine her shoe size has changed much since she was nineteen. Aren’t your feet full grown by then?
“We’re going skating?”
“Why not?”
“Because I suck,” she says.
I know that. It might have even played a role in why I wanted to do this. My holding on to her, her holding on to me to help her up. All part of the plan.
She sits down and slides her foot into her boot and I lean down, cupping the back of her leg with my hand to lift it up and rest it between my thighs. I lace up her skate, and I feel her eyes on me, making me smirk with a certain level of nervous energy I’m not really accustomed to. I’m a pretty confident guy, but...I’m a kid right now. Desperate to get that first kiss from the girl who stars in my dreams. I set her foot down and then do her other before sitting down myself and lacing mine up quickly, like the pro I am.
She stands, unsteady on her feet. I take her mittened hands in mine and lead her to the ice. She wobbles and I wrap one arm protectively around her waist. Her scent hits me, that same lavender shampoo she used as a kid and I fucking love it.
“Do
n't let me go,” she says.
I pull her in close, touch her lips with my thumb. “Never.”
Her eyelids flutter. She looks like she wants to say something, but she presses her lips together and bites her lip, and I resist the urge to do the same. On the ice, I let go a little, turning to pull her along in my wake. Her top half wobbles back and forward until she almost loses her feet and I save her, pulling her into my chest and wrapping my arms around her. Our eyes meet, she bites her lip again, and I touch her cheek. When her eyes close I lean in, wanting so much to taste her, but fear stops me cold.
“I missed you,” she says so quietly I almost don't hear it. I lean forward to press my head to hers.
“Say it again?” I ask.
“I missed you.”
“You have no idea how much I've wanted to hear you say that.”
“It doesn't change anything,” she says, her voice quiet and sad. “I’m still here and you’re still in Philly.”
“You’re wrong, Annie.” I slow my pace, letting her catch up to me. “It changes everything.” And it does. She has no idea what I’ll do to keep her this time. I’ll give up everything for her, because I know how lonely I am without her.
Her face changes. I can see her spinning, and I need to stop her, so I pick up the pace, leaning back as I skate backward, towing her along. Her eyes widen and her ankles shake.
“Ethan!”
A little faster. Just enough to get her adrenaline going. I swerve to the left and right and she closes her eyes and tells me how much she hates me. All the while, I’m laughing at her and her quiet screams.
“Let me go,” she says, trying to remove her hands from mine. But I know how this is going to go and I don't want to let her fall. Still, I do what she asks, because I can never say no to her. “You sure?”
She nods and I let go. Her eyes snap open and arms wave through the air as she struggles to find her balance. When I think she might be okay, she proves me wrong and goes ass over teakettle. Shit! I race back to her, helping her dust off her jeans.
